I have made a total mess of it all

[Whatthefuckhaveidone]

Nc for obvious reasons.

I don't even know where to begin with the mess I have made.

I am not asking for sympathy, or even understanding but some guidance would be good if anyone can help.

I tricked the loveliest man in the world into believing my child was his. To begin with I did think the baby was his, a lot went on and we weren't really getting on, we lived apart and he wasn't happy about the pregnancy.

I did the first appointments etc alone and realised that baby wasn't his, but thought he was going to leave anyway so just kept it up.

The problem being that I fell head over heels in love with him when he had a change of heart early on and I let everything spiral out of control to the point I'm at now. He has looked after me, supported me and pretty much given up his life for me and all I have done is lie to him.

He told me he knows baby isn't his and he is willing to stay with me and raise baby if I tell him the truth.

The truth is I have no idea who baby's dad is, i got myself into a situation I couldn't control and was raped. It was my own fault I wasn't careful and didn't take the precut ions I usually would to prevent anything happening (I work in other people's homes)

I don't know how to say the words to my boyfriend. I don't know how to admit what happened and I'm scared to say the words out loud and have them real and out there. I'm scared what that will mean for my baby, I'm scared about it all.

I have made such a massive fuck up and I don't know how to fix it. Please tell me what to do

It was not that long ago, less than a year. :(
And you have a baby out of it. It's not something you can easily forget.

If you are not prepared yet, I wouldn't lie, but would rather tell him that it was only once, and that I'd prefer to talk about it when I was ready and could he please not probe too much into it. He should respect you and, actually, realise that what happened was a bad experience for you.

But I'd try and be as honest as possible.

Your child never needs to know. You do not need to report it.

But you do need support to come to terms with it in your own head either via www.rapecrisis.org.uk or an appropriate decent counsellor.

This can of worms will continue to corrode and eat you from the inside out for the rest of your life and your DC will not have the healed Mother they deserve. You need to take back the power by seeking help to heal.

You do not need to report it OP. Many, many women don't report it and that's fine. You've got so much to deal with, with the baby and your partner, just focus on getting through that.

I think it's really important to tell your partner the truth, because truth will always out. If you don't tell him now, it will come out eventually. It's a huge burden to shoulder alone, and it's a major deal to lie about something so fundamental in your relationship.

If you feel like you can't tell him then show him this thread, or write down what you've told us here and give it to him to read.

Everyone's advice had been excellent, I'm so sorry this happened to you . I too would suggest your talk to a rape helpline and see if discussing it with someone knowledgable in the subject might clear your head a little.

Personally I wish you would report the rapist as he is a criminal and deserves to be punished for his crime, but I respect your decision to leave it in the past and protect your child. Be aware though that secrets can be corrosive over time and you are going to be keeping a lot of them it sounds, forever.

Thank you all for your advice.

It didn't go so well today, we are no longer together. He has been nice about it, and can get over the fact baby isn't his, but he can't trust me due to the fact I lied throughout the pregnancy.

I'm hoping that he can forgive me but it's not looking good. I have no idea how to move on from this now.

I've broken his trust and I've broken his heart.

He didn't want to hear your story, or you didn't want to tell him?

So sorry. :(

I told him, he listened, he understood my reasons and everything and was supportive, then as some of the things I had said and done during the pregnancy to back up the lie I created came out I could see how hurt he was and what I had done to him. He said he would find it hard to ever trust me again because of them.

What do I tell my baby in future? Either I don't know who the dad is because i was drunk or something or baby's existence is down to me being raped. I can't do either of those things.

My bf will now have to tell his family that I lied, tell his friends I lied, move back to where he comes from, et his nsme off the birth certificste I can't believe this is happening. What a fucking mess

What you tell your baby is not something you have to decide now.
As you go through the process of healing you can find the best way to tell your baby as much of the truth as possible without trauma.

Concentrate on raising your child now and get support for yourself.

Give him a bit of time. Obviously you were pretty deliberate about lying to him and he has to process that. It will be hard.

But now you need to focus on taking care of yourself. You are not to blame for having been raped, and you need to get that out of your head.

Whether you report or not is completely up to you, you don't owe anyone anything and if you don't want to deal with that you don't have to. But do get support to help you process your feelings.

If your bf doesn't decide to stay with you, then your baby will just not have a father. It will be what's normal for him/her, and that is that. You will be his/her wonderful mummy and that will be enough.

In order to have his name removed from your dd's birth certificate you will need to produce a recognised DNA test which excludes him from being the father.

It seems to me that on the offchance he may the father, you are both best advised to wait until a DNA test excludes him before he starts making announcements to family/friends etc.

If you are claiming/intend to claim income support for yourself and dd it's my understanding that you may not receive full entitlement if you do not give the name of her father.

At some point your dd will want to know who her father is and may want to make contact with him and I suggest you make contact with www.rasasc.org.uk/ who will NOT press you to report what took place to the police, but who will be able to advise you on the above and/or arrange for you to receive counselling.

Firstly sorry he can't see past it , however he has a lot to process and I think you need to give him time. Is there any possibility it could be his? I think a DNA test is the next step.

The income support thing is out of date.

Focus on moving forward. I think this already opens a can of worms for you regardless. I thing you do need to get support for yourself and plan your way forward..It may be one day at a time at the moment

What did you decide to tell him in he end? I'm sorry to hear that it didn't go the way that you hoped.

Is it, Star? Do you know when it changed?

Things have been much better today.

I think we stand a chance, he forgave me for everything I have done. We have had a good chat and he wants to help me work through what happened. He isn't telling anyone, and he doesn't want a dna test, he wants to keep his name on the certificate for now.

Thank you all for your advice, now things are as sorted as they can be with my bf I am going to start thinking about getting help for the rape.

So glad to hear it. He sounds like a good'un. Hope it all works out for you and that you can get the help you need.

Glad he's calmed down and is starting to work through his emotions about it all as well.

I wish you the best for the future, please make sure you get help to come to terms with the rape.

That is an incredible outcome you cannot blame yourself for what happened at the time and how that trauma impacted your behaviour all you ever did was try to keep a lid on things, hoping for the best for the pain to go away - some deep level of denial that it happened perhaps. But you have done the brave and honourable thing and life will get better. This secret would just eat you from the inside out and ultimately destroy/tarnish all your relationships in some way if not dealt with. Please, please seek high quality specific counselling to heal - if not even for yourself - then for your DC. I do wonder if you can anonymously report this rapist as he will have done it before and since - he might be known to the police - he might even be on a sex offenders register or this might be enough for the police to reopen a previous case?

Hope you are ok, OP. Please get help to come to terms with the rape.

Thank you all again for your advice.

Things are amazing considering what I have done.

My boyfriend has offered to pay for me to get counselling and he has been so supportive and understanding. He is finding it hard to be the same as he was with baby but he is getting there. We aren't in the same place we were, but in a lot of ways it's better because there is no secret anymore.

We had a very honest chat about the rape, he has stated that he would support me in going to the police if I wanted to, but when I pushed for an answer he said he would prefer I didn't, he is baby's dad and going to the police would make it harder for that to happen. I agree with this entirely, but am very conflicted because the guy who raped me probably will do it again, I can't imagine it's th first time he has done it either, the thought of him getting the opportunity to do this again because I didn't report is something I'm struggling with massively, but i really need to do what is best for my baby.

It's going to be a very tough few weeks and months, and I already feel like a shit parent by lying to baby from before birth and forever more.

What is best for your baby is that she doesn't have a dm who is conflicted by thoughts of what she should or shouldn't have done and, in the fullness of time, she has a right to know if the man who raised her is not her biological father.

Rapists rarely confine themselves to committing one offence and, from the little you've said, it seems that your attacker may have a continual supply of women he can victimise as he did you.

Please make contact with www.rapecrisis.org because they are best placed to advise and source counselling for you - as stated before, you will NOT be placed under any pressure to report

As it appears you've based your belief that your boyfriend is not the father on pre-birth scans, I strongly urge you to commission a DNA test from one of the online laboratories as it's entirely possible that you're wrong.

Glad you two are talking...However the decision on whether to go to the police or not is yours to make.

I agree I think you need the DNA test to find out one way or another. I think for both of you even if you pretend it will be the elephant in the room if you don't find out.

Regardless of your descisions I really think you need professional support. You will be much freer to say what you need without worrying about someone else reaction.

I agree with pp about getting DNA testing. Do not rely solely on the scan dates. I know they say they are accurate but I don't think they were with mine

I know I should get a dna, the thing is when I do, and when it comes back that baby isn't my boyfriends (which I'm 99.99999 certain it will) then it's real. It's almost easier this way.

I know baby has a right to know about the biology but that leaves me explaining that baby's biological dad is someone I don't know, so baby will think less of me and hate me or know the truth and hate themselves

If it helps, your child doesn't have necessarily to hate themselves because of their dad.

Children of abusive fathers do not necessarily hate themselves. They are different people, who make different choices.
My son is one and he knows his dad made poor choices but he knows it's not reflected on him.

If your child is loved by you there is no reason to think the worst will happen.
The question is (for yourself): do you love this child and want them?

I adore my baby and despite everything I have done since the minute the test came back positive.

I just can't picture how a conversation about how my baby only exists because I was raped would ever be a good thing. It's so difficult