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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Completely insane and ridiculous. I know.

89 replies

ScaredKittyCat · 06/06/2015 22:37

I will try to keep this short. My husband is a horrible, selfish, cheating, lying tosspot and I hate him. I despise him.

I dream of a life without him. I dream of a life where I am not married to a sleazy cheating dirtbag.

But, as ridiculous as this sounds, I can't leave him because I am scared of being in the house alone at night. If I leave, I will have to do this. And I absolutely can't.

I can't see how I can ever do it which means I have to tolerate infidelity, lies and his vile attitude. He knows this. He wins.

Will live ever get better than this?

OP posts:
Original poster
ScaredKittyCat · 06/06/2015 22:38

And by scared, I mean terrified. I literally can't sleep in a house on my own.

OP posts:
Bluestocking · 06/06/2015 22:40

More info please. Do you have children? Do you live near family and/or friends?

beaglesaresweet · 06/06/2015 22:40

how about taking a lodger?

beaglesaresweet · 06/06/2015 22:41

btw I sympathise, I'm not as bad but not too far off!

Original poster
ScaredKittyCat · 06/06/2015 22:41

And by 'live' I meant 'life'. Sorry. Tired and emotional.

OP posts:
totallybewildered · 06/06/2015 22:41

well, literally, you obviously can, you just haven't yet. How many days do you think it would be until you sleep? It won't be more than three, you will get so tired, you wouldn't be able to stay awake. And how many days do you think it will be before you are used to it and not afraid any more? 10? something like that, I'm just guessing. So for the sake of 10 days, you are going to put up with how many years unhappiness?

CalleighDoodle · 06/06/2015 22:42

I used to be the same. Now i find the earlier i go to ved the easier it is. And having my ohone in my hand and lit up gets me from the switch to my bed. So actually i clearly am still the same, but i have coping methods!

DelphiniumBlue · 06/06/2015 22:42

Get a lodger, move a sibling or cousin in, let to language students. Or get used to being scared, it might horrible to start with, but you'll get used to it.
Can't be worse than being married to the man you describe.
Or move into a flat share. You do not have to stay with him.
Is he threatening you? Just wondering why you are so scared.

Original poster
ScaredKittyCat · 06/06/2015 22:42

We rent so can't take in a lodger. I have a nine month old son. Family live nearby, but we aren't close. I would never tell them about this.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 06/06/2015 22:43

It gets easier x

beaglesaresweet · 06/06/2015 22:43

are you in a detached house, OP? there is another solution, moving into a large flat or maisonette with a garden, so you always have neighbours, but of course many people don't like living in flats (and moving isn't an option for all, I know).

BackInTheRealWorld · 06/06/2015 22:44

I was scared of slugs....to the point that I would sit on my doorstep crying til someone walked past and I could persuade them to come in at get rid of them for me if my partner wasn't home to do it.
Now he has moved out I can do it myself.
Sometimes it takes having no choice in the matter to stand up and get on with it. It's very empowering.
Obviously it would be better if I just moved to a place that didn't have a slug problem in the kitchen but I can't afford that. I can afford salt though. Killing those fuckers on a daily basis in the winter I am!

FenellaFellorick · 06/06/2015 22:45

Would you consider going to the gp and asking for cbt?

Have you always had this fear? Can you remember a time before you had this fear? Is it possible that he is at the root of this fear?

Original poster
ScaredKittyCat · 06/06/2015 22:45

I can't move into a house hate because of the baby. I can't get a lodge because I rent. I have literally nobody to move in with me.

I honestly do not think I would ever get used to it.

I think I might be stuck with him forever. This makes me feel like there is just no point in anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScaredKittyCat · 06/06/2015 22:47

I have always had this fear. I struggle even with him in the house. I would be hysterical on my own.

OP posts:
ginmakesitallok · 06/06/2015 22:50

I hate being in the house on my own at night with the kids. DP is going away next week for 3 nights and I'm dreading it, but of course can't tell him, because I'm an adult and adults aren't meant to be scared.

I double check all the windows and locks, leave a light on, have my phone beside me in bed, and still can't sleep.

But it wouldn't stop me from leaving DP of I needed to. Would a counselor help?

cakedup · 06/06/2015 22:54

It sounds like a phobia and you need treatment. Go to your doctor and explain how bad it is, they can refer you to CBT. Also there are some excellent therapies out there if you can afford them - I've known 'tapping' to help people including my sister who was petrified of flying but within months of therapy got on a plane to the States as she'd only dreamed of doing.

Get the help with the phobia, and be free of this idiot. I think I would rather be hysterical than live with someone like that.

Original poster
ScaredKittyCat · 06/06/2015 22:56

I don't think any sort of therapy would help. I think there is no solution - I just have to live with this bastard forever.

If I didn't have my son I would just rent a room in a house share. If I rented a flat I would probably feel better, but don't know how I can't make that happen with no money!

OP posts:
MagentaVitus · 06/06/2015 22:57

Would a pet help? I'm on my own at the minute and the dog is keeping me sane!

trinitybleu · 06/06/2015 22:57

If I am ever alone, I take DD to bed with me, have a lamp on so I can see the room immediately and have TV / music on low all night so I can't hear any of the normal house noises of pipes contracting etc.

Am sure you've tried all this though. Some cbt might help?

Original poster
ScaredKittyCat · 06/06/2015 22:58

He knows that I will stay with him because I am too scared. I hate him so much.

OP posts:
griselda101 · 06/06/2015 22:58

cbt is really helping me get through a phobia and a difficult time at the moment.

just ask your GP to refer you, once you have mastered your difficulties leaving him will be easy!

you will be surprised how quickly change can happen.

you said you can't get a lodger because you rent, but surely your agency / landlord would redo the contract to have another person (housemate type?) on the lease?

beaglesaresweet · 06/06/2015 22:58

OP, so would it help to have close neighbours by moving into a flat?
Is it break-ins you are scared of, or do you just hate being in the dark by yourself?

Original poster
ScaredKittyCat · 06/06/2015 22:59

This sounds mad but I actually don't think anyone has ever been as scared of anything as I am of being alone at night. I really mean that. I don't think I can be helped?!

OP posts:
griselda101 · 06/06/2015 23:01

also you sound very defeatist, the first thing you need to change is your attitude as if you don't believe anything can change it never will and you will be unhappy for ever...!!

you must accept there's a possibility you can change

add to this you have a young baby, no wonder you are feeling low right now, maybe there's some PND going on as well, so at least see the GP about that.

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