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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Completely insane and ridiculous. I know.

89 replies

ScaredKittyCat · 06/06/2015 22:37

I will try to keep this short. My husband is a horrible, selfish, cheating, lying tosspot and I hate him. I despise him.

I dream of a life without him. I dream of a life where I am not married to a sleazy cheating dirtbag.

But, as ridiculous as this sounds, I can't leave him because I am scared of being in the house alone at night. If I leave, I will have to do this. And I absolutely can't.

I can't see how I can ever do it which means I have to tolerate infidelity, lies and his vile attitude. He knows this. He wins.

Will live ever get better than this?

OP posts:
cleowasmycat · 06/06/2015 23:41

I was scars to be in the house alone for 35 years, then I had CBT and now it's fine. Try it !

cleowasmycat · 06/06/2015 23:44

Sorry. Stupid phone repeats itself.

teatrailer · 06/06/2015 23:44

Blimey cleo you were really, really scared.

cleowasmycat · 06/06/2015 23:45
Grin
Original poster
ScaredKittyCat · 06/06/2015 23:48

Thanks for the suggestions. I think I will have to do it eventually. I just think after one night (if I could even make it one night) I would end up begging him to come back just so I could sleep.

OP posts:
griselda101 · 06/06/2015 23:56

yes but you wouldn't if you managed CBT or something like that, you wouldn't need to

in the short term you could ask friends to stay over or something

mrstweefromtweesville · 07/06/2015 00:01

Its ok.
You can be helped.
You can sleep with lights on.
You can have the radio on.
You can have a family member to be your 'buddy' who you can call if you're scared.
You'll learn to love it.

Italiangreyhound · 07/06/2015 00:12

I used to feel very scared in my parents house at night as an adult alone, when they went on hols, and only stayed there once alone on my own - to my memory (I invited friends over or went to friend's houses!).

I had anxiety attacks about 16 years ago and I had CBT (Cognitive Behavioural therapy) for anxiety about 15 years ago. Before I got married.

When I married and moved in with my husband I felt different about our house together and now feel very safe.

I am quite security concious and maybe I will always be a slight scardy cat so we have locks on all doors and windows and a burger alarm.

Please go and see a counsellor for your fears and anxiety, to work though these issues. You husband sounds like a prick and you need to get strong to take him on. I would also suggest marriage guidance counselling or some help there but I have not read the whole thread only your initial post and some later comments and I am not sure how bad your marriage is. I think you should take care of your concerns and issues around anxiety first.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 07/06/2015 00:51

Can you doze off on the sofa with the telly on?
Can you get a telly for the bedroom?
I have to have radio 4 on to get to sleep. It started after a panic attack and I just need voices as a distraction. Beta blockers help with the rising panic too.

SelfLoathing · 07/06/2015 00:57

I don't think any sort of therapy would help.

This is very irrational thinking. Just as is your phobia of being alone in the house. Millions of people do it every day for years. How many lonely widowed OAPs do you think there are living alone? More frail and vulnerable than you but managing to have good nights sleep and get up in the morning.

So you must realise your fear is a genuine and debilitating phobia.
Equally you should really accept that genuine psychiatric disorders can be treated.

You really need to see a GP about this and urgently.

Atenco · 07/06/2015 07:06

Yes, I'm sure proper therapy would cure you OP but, apart from that, I shared houses when my dd was small with other single mothers. Look for a large enough house, rent it and advertise for other people to share with you.

Cancookdontcook · 07/06/2015 08:14

Some kind of hypnotherapy would work within one or two sessions. It sounds like your fear is so great that you are scared to even try treatment for it.

I used to absolutely hate being on my own at night and spent many sleepless nights in fear, especially when I lived on the ground floor. Years later, it doesn't bother me whatsoever but I have gradually lost my fear.

I think you need to tackle yours head-on. It can't be healthy for you to live like that, even if he is still in the house.

Speedbird85 · 07/06/2015 08:29

Hi Scaredkitty, does your horrible partner know you are this scared to be in the house on your own? Is your fear tangled up in the thought of him being the man trying to get into the house at night, attack you and abduct your child? Were you this scared to be alone in a house at night before you knew him?

Original poster
ScaredKittyCat · 07/06/2015 09:12

I just think that no amount of talking through this fear will help. I can't see therapy working at all.

Before I lived with him I lived in a flat share for about three months. Before that I lived with my parents. The whole time I lived alone I was terrified, and that was with a flat mate!

I think maybe an alarm system and a dog would help. But I am too scared to try.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScaredKittyCat · 07/06/2015 09:13

He knows how scared I am. He knows I am trapped - probably why he thinks he can get away with everything all of the time.

OP posts:
blondegirl73 · 07/06/2015 09:20

I am v anxious about lots of things and what helps me is being informed. What are you scared of? Fire? Make sure you have smoke alarms etc. The fire service will come round to advise you I think if you ask. Break ins? Speak to your neighbourhood police for advice... Knowledge is power.

TTWK · 07/06/2015 09:50

The vast majority of women killed in their own homes are killed by their DP. I think about 2 women a week or something like that are killed at home by husband/boyfriend. Hardly anyone gets killed in their own home by a stranger. Only in films.

Statistically speaking, all women are safer when husband is away, and that must be even more so when husband is vile!

OP, no one is going to kill you and kidnap your kids, but if it did happen, it would be your husband that would do it. So kick the fucker out and sleep easier!

Bluestocking · 07/06/2015 09:55

OP, there are all sorts of things you can try. CBT, sharing with a friend or family member, living in a block of flats where there are neighbours around, all the things PPs have suggested. But you will always be able to talk yourself out of trying any of them. What do you actually want to do? Do you actually want to separate from your nasty OH, or do you want to stay in what has become your comfort zone, even if it's vile?

FenellaFellorick · 07/06/2015 09:58

It is hideous to be so afraid Thanks
It is quite usual to feel nobody in the world has ever felt as frightened as you and you've got it worse than anyone else ever - but that's not true. It is part of the phobia.

I had a needle phobia so bad that I discharged myself ama many times rather than have a cannula. I preferred to die than have a needle. I needed surgery that would ultimately save my life and i refused because it would mean needles.
That is when I realised I had to get help. I did. It took months of cbt andit was hhe'll. But I got there. I had the surgery and I can tolerate needles (i need regular injections)

I don't love it! And I have a set of rules people must obey but I get through it.

You can to. But only when you stop putting up these mental barriers to getting help.

There are many things that can happen in life that can take control out of your hands. At that point, If you haven't dealt with this, It will break you.

You have a choice, You can run away from it your whole life and hope that nothing ever happens that means you dont have a choice. Or you can take control of it, face it and manage it.

It's not going to be easy. But it's not going to be worse than spending the rest of your life living like this.

Speedbird85 · 07/06/2015 10:12

he knows how scared I am. He knows I am trapped - probably why he thinks he can get away with everything all of the time.
So, the fear that you have had for a long time of being on your own at night in a house is now being used to keep you a prisoner of the man you once trusted to care for you and look after you?
Scaredkitty, do you have a close friend, sister or work colleague who you relate to? If this same situation were to be happening to her, what would you advise her to do?

Anniegetyourgun · 07/06/2015 10:19

The fear of being alone with a small child is not irrational, as bad things can and do happen sometimes (although not very often - that's why it's news when it does, you never hear about the millions of homes that are NOT broken into - and there are a host of precautions that can make you a whole lot safer). However, the degree to which it has paralyzed you is way beyond what's natural. The really ironic thing is that you're so scared of strangers breaking in, which hardly ever happens (and if it did they'd be after your money, not your baby!), that you are actually sharing your home with one of the nastier men you'll ever meet.

Can you say why you would feel unable to confide in your family? Are they not at all supportive?

pocketsaviour · 07/06/2015 10:33

OP, so sorry you're feeling like this.

Have you experienced a break-in in the past? Was that how this phobia started? If so, you are probably experiencing some PTSD which is exacerbating the symptoms of your anxiety. This IS treatable with techniques such as EMDR, CBT and exposure therapy. BUT you have to put the work into it.

It sounds like you are very isolated. Can you confide in your HV or GP how unhappy you are and that you want to leave? Let them help you.

Polyethyl · 07/06/2015 10:56

Is there a reason you're so scared? Have you had a bad experience whilst alone in your home, in the past?

MrsDeVere · 07/06/2015 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hollybananas · 07/06/2015 11:23

Scared can you privately look into renting somewhere and negotiating with the landlord to put in the alarm devices (paid for by you?).

I am the same but have got used to DH being away for work now. I have exactly the same fears. One thing that struck a cord with me was when a female friend who lives alone was talking about having to leave her parent's house so she could have a night on her own again after visiting for Xmas. I couldn't imagine how someone could look fwd to it! But if she can do it regularly without worrying about break ins then I thought so can I. I sleep with phone next to me with 999 punched in ready and we have an alarm. It just gets easier with time.

Bizarrely I sleep better with earplugs in - how that is going to help when someone is breaking in I don't know!

My fears come from bad experiences as a child - is there anything in your past you could confront to help combat your fears? I hate to think of you living with someone who disrespects you so much - he will be wearing your defences down even further - you may find much more resilience away from him.

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