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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Completely insane and ridiculous. I know.

89 replies

ScaredKittyCat · 06/06/2015 22:37

I will try to keep this short. My husband is a horrible, selfish, cheating, lying tosspot and I hate him. I despise him.

I dream of a life without him. I dream of a life where I am not married to a sleazy cheating dirtbag.

But, as ridiculous as this sounds, I can't leave him because I am scared of being in the house alone at night. If I leave, I will have to do this. And I absolutely can't.

I can't see how I can ever do it which means I have to tolerate infidelity, lies and his vile attitude. He knows this. He wins.

Will live ever get better than this?

OP posts:
thenightsky · 06/06/2015 23:02

You poor thing Sad

Night is only the same as day, but with different shades of light/dark.

Could someone you trust stay with you for a few nights till you get used to them?

Where in the country are you?

BackInTheRealWorld · 06/06/2015 23:02

I think it is a total cop out to say that you have to stay with him no matter what solutions anyone comes up with.
Yes it might seem easier to stay in that situation and moan about it, but ffs 'easier' doesn't equate to 'better'.
Can you really not be bothered to fucking TRY any of the solutions offered?

Original poster
ScaredKittyCat · 06/06/2015 23:02

I am scared of a break in, rather than being alone. I am frightened that men will break in an assault us or kidnap my son.

OP posts:
Toastandstrawberryjam · 06/06/2015 23:04

I used to be terrified when my DH was away. He used to work away all week and I would barely sleep at all. Would pace the floor hysterical at night envisioning any kind of scenario. What if I died? The house caught fire? Someone broke in? My fear was massive.

Fast forward 17 years and he moved out a few months ago. It's bloody lovely. I'm not saying that fear isn't somewhere on the edge of my thoughts, but being with him was far scarier.

Plus I have a dog now :) She helps massively,

MagentaVitus · 06/06/2015 23:04

Would your shitty husband be much good in a break in though? Would he defend you and DS? Sounds like he'd just save himself tbh, and him not being there wouldn't make a scrap on difference to your safety!

griselda101 · 06/06/2015 23:05

sounds like you have some PND going on, if you get help from your GP they could prescribe something that might help, or get you the therapy you need

you're probably hormonal and sleep deprived and having irrational thoughts (add to this your DP being an arse is making things much worse too - I went through this!).

believe me things will get easier on the parenting front in time, I'm not sure how it is at the moment but if you can take control of any PND or general MH issues the other issues may get a lot easier and you will get stronger.

Smooshface · 06/06/2015 23:05

Could you get an Au Pair? help out round the house and stay with you for free board, but don't know if it would count as lodger in that case? I know nothing, except you need to find a way to get brave. This sounds awful for you Flowers

TendonQueen · 06/06/2015 23:07

I know a little of how you feel as I have always felt more comfortable in a building with others in too. I liked living in flats and student halls for this reason. So I think you need to focus on the best route to making this doable, which looks like getting a flat. What about a big flatshare? Such things do exist. If you looked at places where student accommodation is advertised there'll be that sort of thing. I would even consider a room in a house share because your son's still young enough for that for now, and it will help you break the pattern and get away from your husband.

lagirafe · 06/06/2015 23:10

OP - have you thought of an alarm?

I just had one installed as have come from a violent relationship and am now on my own with the children. Part of the unit comes off and you can take it upstairs when you go to bed. You then set the downstairs zone to be on and if anyone breaks in during the night they will set off the alarm immediately.
It's also got a panic button thing which you can press in an emergency and that will set it off too.

Quite good for peace of mind.

I also think the big flashing box on the outside of the house would mean any burglar would rather choose a house without an alarm.....

GiddyOnZackHunt · 06/06/2015 23:10

Anxiety? Caused by something like living with a tosser?
Seriously you can get help and I do understand the fear. But sleep is something that will happen eventually no matter how you try to stop it.

Shockers · 06/06/2015 23:12

Your anxiety will be heightened by your current situation (those stress hormones have to surface somewhere!)

While he is still there, start counselling with CBT therapy.

Go to Boots and get yourself some Berocca to take every other day and Calms for a couple of hours before you go to bed.

Get proactive with your mindset... then get rid.

Good luck.

Original poster
ScaredKittyCat · 06/06/2015 23:15

lagirafe - how much does a system like that cost?

OP posts:
Jux · 06/06/2015 23:20

ScaredKittyCat, isn't it worth trying to sort out you fear? Please talk to your gp about it, and ask for therapy.

Your life could be so much better without your h, and your child will have a better life if you live apart from h.

Please see your gp. There are therapies for phobias which have been successful, and you could be free of it and your h, and living a happy life with your child. Please talk to your gp.

thenightsky · 06/06/2015 23:21

Where the hell do you live that this is an issue? Shock

lagirafe · 06/06/2015 23:22

I didn't actually pay for the installation myself but mine is with ADT and I saw on their website it was £99 or thereabouts.
The monitoring I have to pay myself and that's £25/month. It doesn't call the cops or anything (that's more expensive) but it calls numbers you've given them.
So in my case (not so worried about burglars more my ex) it would call my best friend who can then assess the situation and call the police if necessary. You can add a few numbers in case none picks up etc.

teatrailer · 06/06/2015 23:24

My DD was like this, so we fitted small alarms on every single door and window. She finds it reassuring that if she wakes in the night and hears a noise she knows that no body is in the house or an alarm would have gone off. She never watches or reads anything scary in the evening either.

She's coping, she had no choice when her partner left.

BackInTheRealWorld · 06/06/2015 23:27

If your bloke is as horrible as you say he is then you will be able to get a place in a refuge.
After a few weeks of that you will be DYING to get a place of your own.
I suppose it depends on how badly you want to get away?
Or how happy you are just slagging him off and staying put.

cleowasmycat · 06/06/2015 23:33

I was scared of being alone in the house for 35 years. Then I had CBT and now it's fine. What a relief!

cleowasmycat · 06/06/2015 23:33

I was scared of being alone in the house for 35 years. Then I had CBT and now it's fine. What a relief!

cleowasmycat · 06/06/2015 23:34

I was scared of being alone in the house for 35 years. Then I had CBT and now it's fine. What a relief!

cleowasmycat · 06/06/2015 23:35

I was scared of being alone in the house for 35 years. Then I had CBT and now it's fine. What a relief!

cleowasmycat · 06/06/2015 23:40

I was scars to be in the house alone for 35 years, then I had CBT and now it's fine. Try it !

Lovelydiscusfish · 06/06/2015 23:40

You poor thing - how awful!
This might sound ridiculously over simplistic, but how about sleeping with the light on? In fact, all the lights in the house on (apart from your ds's room, obviously).
This is what I did when I lived alone, after bastard exH left - otherwise I would not have slept a wink. I am nervous in the house alone to an extent that I think would really surprise all that know me. But with the lights blazing, it was surprisingly fine.
Also had a knife under my pillow, a cricket bat under the bed, and phone and door keys next to my hand. Whatever it takes to make you feel safe.
Good luck!

cleowasmycat · 06/06/2015 23:40

I was scars to be in the house alone for 35 years, then I had CBT and now it's fine. Try it !

cleowasmycat · 06/06/2015 23:41

I was scars to be in the house alone for 35 years, then I had CBT and now it's fine. Try it !