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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How often does your DP go out?

79 replies

BlueBananas · 03/06/2015 20:43

I'm sure this has been done before but the search bar is throwing up some really random unrelated results at me Confused

Anyway how often does your DP/DH go out? And when they do what kind of time do they get in? Do you know where they are/who they're with when they're out?

At this point I just feel like I've lost all sight of what's normal and acceptable

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 04/06/2015 09:00

DP rarely goes out in the evening without me. If he has work related socialising, we often go as a couple - we met through work related socialising and know lots of the same people. He's a Gentleman-who-lunches - a group of his good friends have lunch together every 4-6 weeks for a gossip. He never goes out with friends alone in the evening. He breakfasts or lunches with his friends en tete-a-tete several times a week.

2rebecca · 04/06/2015 10:11

I looks as though most women are happy with their husband going out for hobbies but not going out mainly to drink and recurrent late drunk episodes.
I like a man to have hobbies but don't want a man with a drink problem.

Original poster
BlueBananas · 04/06/2015 10:15

Well this is depressing

DP is 28, we have two DC (4&5) and I'm 18 weeks pregnant
He goes out every night, and some days at weekends
I never know where he is/who he's with/what he's doing, if I ask him he's just "out" or he's "got stuff to do"
He doesn't drink and drives everywhere he goes so he's not out on the lash, I know his "group of friends" but he always says he never sees them, he hasn't seen them for months etc so he's not with them
Sometimes he gets home at midnight, sometimes 4am, others 8am

OP posts:
CatsCantTwerk · 04/06/2015 10:18

Dp goes out twice a week on a tueday and thursday, Leaves around 7.30 and is normally back just before midnight.

CatsCantTwerk · 04/06/2015 10:19

Oh Dear op. That really does not sound good at all. You really have no idea where he is going?

MrsTedCrilly · 04/06/2015 10:23

Rarely, for a poker night every 6 months maybe? He's a home bod!

2rebecca · 04/06/2015 10:33

Has he always gone out like this? I couldn't live like that. He's not really in a relationship with you he's just someone you share a house with at the moment.
Time to discuss the future of your relationship even if you are pregnant.

Original poster
BlueBananas · 04/06/2015 10:57

We've only lived together since last year and yes he's always gone out a lot, he'll go through phases where it's more often then phases where it's less. It's a lot at the moment

I've tried to talk to him about it but honestly it quickly descends into him screaming & shouting so I don't bring it up very often. He says I'm trying to control him by always wanting to know where he is Hmm and will take it to the extreme and start telling me when he's going for a wee, then when he's washing his hands etc
I don't really know what else I can say, if he doesn't want to be around us I can't force him to be can I

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/06/2015 11:08

I'd be thinking other woman and telling him not to come back in your shoes going solely on what you've said.
If you live apart would he make you a priority?

2rebecca · 04/06/2015 11:10

You can't force him to be with you and discuss his activities with you , but you can decide whether or not you want to live with a man who seems to show so little respect and love for you.
Usually if you love someone you want to spend time with them and share what you are up to with them.
No-one screams and shouts at me. Difficult if you have always had this sort of relationship. Did you discuss how things would work when you moved in together? Did you get somewhere together or one of you move in with the other? If you moved in with the kids to join him can you easily move out again? Are the kids his, you said "we" have 2 kids so I presumed they were.
If my husband never told me where he was going and went out a lot he would soon be my exhusband, especially if he expected me to do all the child care.

lynniep · 04/06/2015 11:24

Never. I wish to god he would. I always feel guilty when I go out (once a month if that) and I'm pretty sure I would feel less so if he did as well. He is not a people person. He likes to take a walk of an evening (to the local, where there is a big sports screen) where he will probably chat randomly to people. But he will not actually arrange to meet anyone. I don't think he has any 'friends'. Just acquaintances.

Squirrelsmum · 04/06/2015 11:36

He teaches a martial arts class two nights a week, trains for himself another two nights, home by 8 at the latest, depending on the weather he might go for a ride with the boys or go sailing on an afternoon over the weekend, home by dark.
We are both homebodies and even on the nights we go out for dinner we're home by 9.
Our kids are teens now though so it's not a issue if he isn't around of an evening. That said if he was behaving like your P I'd probably tell him to keep on going. What is the point of living with someone if you don't want to spend time with them?

Original poster
BlueBananas · 04/06/2015 11:48

Honestly I don't think he's with another woman - I know I sound like a naive idiot but I don't, he's left me twice for other women (years ago) so tbh I think he'd just leave again, I don't think he'd cheat
I have said that it looks like he's cheating a few times but of course he denies it

2rebecca yes all the kids are his, and he moved in with us, I own the house
We didn't really discuss things when he moved in, it was just a natural progression after we'd got back together and he was spending most of his time here anyway, so I wasn't expecting him to disappear when he moved in officially

Last night I said to him if he went out then not to bother coming back and I'd take his stuff to his mums today, and he didn't go out so I don't know, just Confused just don't know what is going on

OP posts:
Imnotbeverley · 04/06/2015 12:00

Even if he isn't with another woman, he doesn't sound very kind or supportive. The assumption is that you will care for your shared children whilst he swans about doing as he pleases.

I wouldn't be ok with that. You need a supportive partner who cares about your needs, wants to spend time with you and shares his life with you- not shouts and screams when you dare to ask what he might be doing with his time.

Makes me quite cross

CandyLane · 04/06/2015 12:08

Op this must be so hard for you.

What's your gut instinct? Does he stay out during the week too? From what you've said it does sound like he's either with another woman or up to something dodgy.

To answer your original question DH rarely goes out, occasionally goes to the pub to watch football at the weekend.

Nights out are usually just specially occasions like a stag do or an annual trip to the darts, or a family party etc. I always know where he is, maybe not at every point during the night but I have an idea of where he is. Always gets home later than he said he would but never past about 2am and he's always ridiculously drunk to the point where I want to make him sleep in the shed, but it only happens about twice a year so I let him off.

Op your DP sounds quite abusive the way he is trying to make you feel like you're not entitled to ask where he is.

2rebecca · 04/06/2015 12:11

Is he young? He sounds very immature and when you talk of taking his stuff to his mum's it makes it sound as though he moved to live with you from living with his mum and is treating you more as a mum substitute than an equal partner and co-parent.
Young men and women living with their parents often don't give their parents details of where they are going just a rough time of when they'll be back. he needs to have it made clear that you are not a mum substitute and if he chooses to live with you it's as an equal partner and that he shares in looking after his kids and discusses his activities with you. If he wants to be a lodger he can find somewhere else to lodge.

mariposa10 · 04/06/2015 12:18

BlueBananas these type of threads always have quite predictable responses. If you ask a specific question, certain types of people will answer. It's like when someone starts a thread about how often people have sex- you get masses of posters saying they're swinging from the chandeliers six times a week. It's not representative of the population!

Also, I suspect a lot of the people replying to you are quite a bit older than you and your DP so of course they don't go out as much.

Having said that, if you have an issue with him going out too much then you need to have a calm discussion without descending into insults. Just try to keep a clear head and be strong about what you want from him. You have a right to know where he is and what time he's coming home, that's just manners.

ScorpioMermaid · 04/06/2015 13:10

Never.

neither of us do. I'm 30 hes 32. We go to weddings when invited and we will go out together on our own or with a couple of friends for a meal and cinema on a birthday. It suits us to a T.

We like to call ourselves anti-social Wink

ScorpioMermaid · 04/06/2015 13:17

Wow OP!
that's sounds like a crappy situation to be in. cheating or not he doesn't sound like he's taking the relationship seriously at all.

TheWordFactory · 04/06/2015 13:51

OP are you sure you want another baby with this man? He doesn't sound like he's very good to you.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 04/06/2015 13:57

OP.that's terrible. He has no respect for you at all.

Whatnext2015 · 04/06/2015 14:23

I've pm'd you x

BackforGood · 05/06/2015 00:40

Well, your last post has put him WAY over the bounds of 'acceptable'

  1. to be 'out' so much when you have young dc that need looking after
  2. to not discuss where he's going / been
  3. The sheer amount of time he's away from home (when it's not for being at work)

This isn't really about how much he goes out, but is about his lack of respect for you / the fact he doesn't seem to see you as an equal partner in this relationship / the whole 'hidden life' bit.

Isthereeverarightime1 · 05/06/2015 08:13

Never drinking but goes fishing regularly thankfully he goes usually once a week at the very least he is due for a week in July Grin there has been odd occasions of him going out drinking but maybe three times in last 8 years lol we do go out with friends together though

HazleNutt · 05/06/2015 12:30

Quite often - for a run, mostly. Sometimes to see a movie I don't want to see, and to pub with friends, a few times per year maybe. As we have a toddler and I'm pregnant, he always checks before if that's ok with me. And I always know where he is, with whom and when I can expect him to come back. Which is never in the morning! Seriously, he does not come home the whole night and thinks you have no right to ask where he was??

Going out every single night, not telling you where and screaming and shouting when you ask are certainly not normal.

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