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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lied to my dh

56 replies

Draggingoutalie · 03/06/2015 19:08

have n/c btw as I'm paranoid
I recently contacted someone on mumsnet regarding advice on my ds prospective school, which is where he has started now at nursery to help settle in for September. This person was very helpful and told my dh that this mum was really helpful etc etc then I realised the mum was actually a dad. I had been speaking to a bloke? How to tell dh this mum was in fact a man. My assumption, my mistake

Rewind a few years, I had been speaking to my ex online and dh found out, this was during a bad patch. We are still in a bad patch but I've decided to stay for ds. Dh can be borderline emotionally abusive as in he is very insecure even more so after the 'online affair' as he calls it

I don't know what to do, when I told the dad I said " i thought u were a mum and my dh thinks I've been speaking to ur wife, I'm not sure how he will take it as he dislikes internet anonymity". He said he understood and would let his wife know or something

We met him the other day at school, he introduced himself it was very awkward and I tried to make it seem I knew his wife. My dh wasn't comfortable as he doesn't like men speaking to me and I don't want to rock the boat so I just said "ah I bet his wife has been telling him everything about us that's how he knows who we are" now eventually I will see his wife on the school run and because my dh has a couple weeks off work he will be accompanying me.

This is so difficult for me as I don't want to speak to this woman as i will have to pretend we've been chatting. I have not contact her dh since on mumsnet. I have tried best to ignore him when I see him so he doesn't speak to us and let the cat out of the bag as he seems too 'comfortable' around me yet his wife will not know who I am

Sorry for this post I'm really worried and am considering leaving this school to avoid this awkwardness. I feel awful for the dad as he's been so helpful on mumsnet but in RL he will see I don't want to talk to him to stop dh noticing what's really going on. I just wish I had told dh the truth as soon as I found out but I didn't want him to think something weird went on somewhere. He already dislikes the dad for trying to talk to me.

What shall I do? I don't want to contact the dad again as I think it'll make things worse. Why should I trust him? He may make life difficult? I wish dh wasn't so paranoid but that's him and I have chosen to stay with him for ds but it's causing me a lot of anxiety to the point I just feel like changing schools. It's an independent school so smaller class sizes so more interaction with them, which on a normal day is fine just not in this situation.

Please help

OP posts:
nancy75 · 03/06/2015 19:13

Honestly? You should leave your husband, he sounds like an arsehole. I'm sorry that's probably not a great help, but you are an adult, you can talk to who you want and if your husband has s problem with it then that's his problem.

Crazyqueenofthecatladies · 03/06/2015 19:15

Your husband isn't borderline abusive, from the way you act he's got you 100 under his control. And your son is soaking up this relationship model like a sponge. The poor child and his poor future partners. Get help.

Weebirdie · 03/06/2015 19:16

Please make today the day you decide to move on from this nightmare of a relationship.

handfulofcottonbuds · 03/06/2015 19:16

You've done nothing wrong. Who knows who is male or female on here? You asked for advice and it helped.

I'm not sure why you were talking to your ex online years ago, that wouldn't sit well with me but your DH has no right to tell you who to speak to and make you so worried.

You sound pretty scared of him Sad

NerrSnerr · 03/06/2015 19:18

If your husband makes you this worried about telling him that someone was helpful over the internet then there is something wrong. He sounds awful, not wanting you to speak to other men. That is not right at all.

Tequilashotfor1 · 03/06/2015 19:18

Fuck! You havnt done anything wrong! I wouldn't say your DH is borderline abusive, I would say he is full arsehole abusive - look at the job he has done on your self esteem!

This isn't normal! You need to look at the situation here, you havnt done anything wrong and your shitting your self and feeling guilty about it.

You need to leave - for your sake and your kids.

ohhello · 03/06/2015 19:19

Jesus, your partner is so cb trolling you need to see things rational, you haven't done anything wrong, your partner is nuts and controlling your every cintact with the world. You seriously need out f this relationship, you aren't doing your son any favours staying in it.

Joysmum · 03/06/2015 19:20

I wouldn't be in a relationship where I had to lie. How is it helping your DS you not being able to be you and having a liar for a mum?

You're turning into somebody you aren't for a relationship that's runing who you are.

luckiestgirlintheworld · 03/06/2015 19:47

Do you realise you just wrote 'my DH doesn't like men speaking to me'? Do you know how fucked up that is? You have a child. It's not fair to stay with this man.

Charley50 · 03/06/2015 19:55

My dad was like this with my mum. She wasn't allowed to speak to any men, including her own, and his, relatives, without getting accused of (basically) wanting to fuck them.
It was awful. She became very isolated, and even though they split up 20 years ago now it still affects her to this day. It was impossible for her to rebuild many of the friendships and lovely extended family relationships she was forced to give up.
So my unbiased advice is.... Get rid!! However hard it is. Flowers

SevenDrunkenNights · 03/06/2015 19:59

Oh god, please leave this man. Your OP made me feel sick. Life is too short for this rubbish, you are being badly controlled, and please think about your child, who will grow up to think this is normal behaviour.

Imagine not having to deal with your husband day in day out. Doesn't it seem like bliss compared to this bullshit?

NerrSnerr · 03/06/2015 20:02

I'm just imagining the conversation I would have had with my husband
'Remember I told you a woman helped me on mumsnet?'
'Vaguely'
'Turns out it was a man'
'Oh'
'Cup of tea?'

Skiptonlass · 03/06/2015 20:03

He doesn't like men speaking to you? So you can't have a professional conversation with half the planet?

Sorry, but that's absolutely unacceptable on his part. You've been chatting to a human being on a non sexual, completely innocent subject concerning your dc. Their gender is irrelevant. I chatted today with the chap in the office next to me about the bewilderingly complex Swedish parental leave system. He gave me some tips and links to check out. Absolutely no difference to me speaking to a female colleague about it.

My Dh has female friends, I have male friends.

Your husband is controlling to a frightening degree. This is NOT normal. Please seek help! Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is normal?

tribpot · 03/06/2015 20:12

But you hadn't done anything wrong. Now you've lied to your DH but only out of fear of his complete over-reaction to the news that the Mumsnetter whose advice you had sought was a man not a woman. So what? How could you have known? And even if you did, I say again, so what?

Please don't leave this school - you are demonstrating quite clearly how you cannot live your life in fear of your H's jealousy.

Joysmum · 03/06/2015 20:15

I'm just imagining the conversation I would have had with my husband
'Remember I told you a woman helped me on mumsnet?'
'Vaguely'
'Turns out it was a man'
'Oh'
'Cup of tea?

And that's a normal reaction for you. Don't model and abusivearriage as 'normal' for your son.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 03/06/2015 20:16

But your child will be very affected by having a 100% anxiety ridden mother...That rubs off...You are demonstrating a life model everyday for your child. In addition, your son will imprint how a man treats a woman from the demonstration from his father. This really is not good. So sorry to sound harsh, but imho, you made the wrong choice. You should leave the marriage for the sake of your son. And not for one minute think it is suspect to leave an abusive relationship for you , children or not. It sounds like it is not mentally healthy for you to be around your husband.
Sorry you are going through this.

AnyFucker · 03/06/2015 20:29

It must be awful to live like you do

You sound like a scared rabbit in the headlights

Please end your marriage and fgs, don't withdraw your child's school place to avoid having to pretend conversations you haven't had

Charley50 · 03/06/2015 20:31

Yes. It is a massive mistake to stay 'for the kids' as growing up in this environment is so damaging. You are probably scared of the repercussions of leaving him, and staying 'for the kids' is a way of pretending your aren't scared. It's totally understandable to be scared in this situation but leaving is still the answer. Sorry you are with someone like this.

Hoppinggreen · 03/06/2015 20:35

Bloody Hell, don't leave the school, leave your controlling dick of a husband

AnyFucker · 03/06/2015 20:43

op, you can't live like this

will you have to leave/stop visiting every supermarket/dr surgery/library/shop/swimming baths/hotel etc etc every time you converse with a man ?

JessBear123 · 03/06/2015 20:44

The fact it turned out you were talking to a man it is a non issue, not even worth thinking/worrying about.

You haven't done anything wrong! Flowers

ALaughAMinute · 03/06/2015 20:57

WTF?

Get out!

clam · 03/06/2015 20:57

Blimey, he hasn't half done a number on you, hasn't he? You sound terrified of him and his ridiculous reactions.

Pensfriends · 03/06/2015 21:06

OP my alarm bells are ringing loudly. This is exactly how my ex was. At the time I actually thought it was an almost normal way to behave. For the sake of your DC please leave.

newnamesamegame · 03/06/2015 21:11

OP in a normal, healthy relationship it is acceptable to have a conversation with a member of the opposite sex without having to feel guilty and try to cover it up afterwards. Its even possible to be friends with a member of the opposite sex.

Can you not see that you've gone through an elaborate subterfuge to try to prevent your husband finding out that you spoke to a man... that is f*ed up.

I'm sorry but I think your relationship is beyond repair. I've never met anyone in real life who actually tries to prevent their partner speaking to someone of the opposite sex.

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