Lied to my dh

[Draggingoutalie]

have n/c btw as I'm paranoid
I recently contacted someone on mumsnet regarding advice on my ds prospective school, which is where he has started now at nursery to help settle in for September. This person was very helpful and told my dh that this mum was really helpful etc etc then I realised the mum was actually a dad. I had been speaking to a bloke? How to tell dh this mum was in fact a man. My assumption, my mistake

Rewind a few years, I had been speaking to my ex online and dh found out, this was during a bad patch. We are still in a bad patch but I've decided to stay for ds. Dh can be borderline emotionally abusive as in he is very insecure even more so after the 'online affair' as he calls it

I don't know what to do, when I told the dad I said " i thought u were a mum and my dh thinks I've been speaking to ur wife, I'm not sure how he will take it as he dislikes internet anonymity". He said he understood and would let his wife know or something

We met him the other day at school, he introduced himself it was very awkward and I tried to make it seem I knew his wife. My dh wasn't comfortable as he doesn't like men speaking to me and I don't want to rock the boat so I just said "ah I bet his wife has been telling him everything about us that's how he knows who we are" now eventually I will see his wife on the school run and because my dh has a couple weeks off work he will be accompanying me.

This is so difficult for me as I don't want to speak to this woman as i will have to pretend we've been chatting. I have not contact her dh since on mumsnet. I have tried best to ignore him when I see him so he doesn't speak to us and let the cat out of the bag as he seems too 'comfortable' around me yet his wife will not know who I am

Sorry for this post I'm really worried and am considering leaving this school to avoid this awkwardness. I feel awful for the dad as he's been so helpful on mumsnet but in RL he will see I don't want to talk to him to stop dh noticing what's really going on. I just wish I had told dh the truth as soon as I found out but I didn't want him to think something weird went on somewhere. He already dislikes the dad for trying to talk to me.

What shall I do? I don't want to contact the dad again as I think it'll make things worse. Why should I trust him? He may make life difficult? I wish dh wasn't so paranoid but that's him and I have chosen to stay with him for ds but it's causing me a lot of anxiety to the point I just feel like changing schools. It's an independent school so smaller class sizes so more interaction with them, which on a normal day is fine just not in this situation.

Please help

A reasonable man and a healthy relationship - this would not be a big issue. Please consider if it is in your best interest and your child's to stay with him. Your child will learn from the way your partner treats you and this may affect their future relationships. Please think about yourself xx

OP, can I ask what you are expected to do at work? Are you not allowed to talk to male colleagues? Are you even "allowed" to work?

Wanting to keep our partners happy is normal. Having to tie ourselves up into knots and get into a state of paranoia and anxiety to maintain that happiness is definitely abnormal. Please try and take a view of your relationship from the outside. It's fucked up and weird.

Oh OP this sounds awful. You r DH is controlling. Not borderline. Way way way over the border into Arseholeland.

I agree with Joysmum. If I even bothered to mention this scenario to DP, he would say "oh". Possibly we would have a chat about how me make assumptions about people online that can turn out to be off the mark. Then we would move on. If we met on the street I would say to my DP "Oh DP this is the man who helped me on MN - remember, we laughed because I assumed he was a women!" and that would be that. No drama. No anxiety. No jealousy. No problem.

Your scenario is not normal and not healthy

I realise all this will be hard for you to read. I hope you're OK

Hope you're okay OP

Listen to yourself! You are already thinking it is preferable to put your son though changing schools rather than upset your husband. This is putting your abusive DH before your lovely DS. So, in what way are you staying for your son? Be honest with yourself, self-sacrificing martyr mum, or another person scared to change their own life but dressing it up as such. This will be your life, he will not relent and will dig in more the more you let him get away with it as he can see the control is working. I LTB'd, best thing ever. A whiff of unfounded jealousy would be enough to show the door these days - luckily my BF is an absolute dream :-)