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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lied to my dh

56 replies

Draggingoutalie · 03/06/2015 19:08

have n/c btw as I'm paranoid
I recently contacted someone on mumsnet regarding advice on my ds prospective school, which is where he has started now at nursery to help settle in for September. This person was very helpful and told my dh that this mum was really helpful etc etc then I realised the mum was actually a dad. I had been speaking to a bloke? How to tell dh this mum was in fact a man. My assumption, my mistake

Rewind a few years, I had been speaking to my ex online and dh found out, this was during a bad patch. We are still in a bad patch but I've decided to stay for ds. Dh can be borderline emotionally abusive as in he is very insecure even more so after the 'online affair' as he calls it

I don't know what to do, when I told the dad I said " i thought u were a mum and my dh thinks I've been speaking to ur wife, I'm not sure how he will take it as he dislikes internet anonymity". He said he understood and would let his wife know or something

We met him the other day at school, he introduced himself it was very awkward and I tried to make it seem I knew his wife. My dh wasn't comfortable as he doesn't like men speaking to me and I don't want to rock the boat so I just said "ah I bet his wife has been telling him everything about us that's how he knows who we are" now eventually I will see his wife on the school run and because my dh has a couple weeks off work he will be accompanying me.

This is so difficult for me as I don't want to speak to this woman as i will have to pretend we've been chatting. I have not contact her dh since on mumsnet. I have tried best to ignore him when I see him so he doesn't speak to us and let the cat out of the bag as he seems too 'comfortable' around me yet his wife will not know who I am

Sorry for this post I'm really worried and am considering leaving this school to avoid this awkwardness. I feel awful for the dad as he's been so helpful on mumsnet but in RL he will see I don't want to talk to him to stop dh noticing what's really going on. I just wish I had told dh the truth as soon as I found out but I didn't want him to think something weird went on somewhere. He already dislikes the dad for trying to talk to me.

What shall I do? I don't want to contact the dad again as I think it'll make things worse. Why should I trust him? He may make life difficult? I wish dh wasn't so paranoid but that's him and I have chosen to stay with him for ds but it's causing me a lot of anxiety to the point I just feel like changing schools. It's an independent school so smaller class sizes so more interaction with them, which on a normal day is fine just not in this situation.

Please help

OP posts:
wheresthebeach · 03/06/2015 21:18

You're tying yourself up in knots because you're married to a controlling loon.

The issue isn't an on line conversation.

HootyMcTooty · 03/06/2015 21:21

The sense of panic in your post is really distressing. You accidentally talked to a man, on an anonymous Internet forum. Please please please see how wrong it is that you cannot do that without your DH becoming abusive.

You say your staying for your DS, why? Genuinely, do you want him to grow up to think this is the normal way to treat women? If you're treading on eggshells this much, it's not just harmful to you.

workingtoohardmum · 03/06/2015 21:45

You've had an 'Online Afair' as he calls it because you're deeply unhappy ...you were seeking emotional support elsewhere because your weren't getting any from him. ..probably still aren't ....I'm sorry ..goodluck

Jengnr · 03/06/2015 21:52

There will be men at the new school too.

The problem isn't other men it is the one you are living with.

AnyFucker · 03/06/2015 22:03

where have you gone, op ?

Atenco · 04/06/2015 05:01

I think you know this is not a good way to live, but you think it is a valid sacrifice to make for your son. But I'm afraid your son will not thank you for it.

SevenDrunkenNights · 04/06/2015 09:08

Please come back and talk to us, OP.

I do think you know deep down that this is no way to live. I'm not sure what you were expecting us all to say, and it must be shocking to read unanimous replies like this.

It took me several threads over several months (plus counseling and reading many books including Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That) until the penny finally dropped, and I started to see that yes, ex was being abusive.

But I refused to believe it for so long. I wanted to have the happy little family so, so badly. But it could never be happy with such a dysfunctional relationship at the core of it. Now that ex has gone, I am calm and happy and my DC feels safe and secure - living in a house without arguments or tension or disrespect.

twistletonsmythe · 04/06/2015 09:34

Please call Women's Aid and get rid. Unless you want your son to turn into his father and treat his future wife in this way - then this is what you must do.

And your anxiety and terror - will miraculously disappear once you get rid of this controlling arse.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 04/06/2015 09:43

Rewind a few years, I had been speaking to my ex online and dh found out, this was during a bad patch. We are still in a bad patch but I've decided to stay for ds.

It's not a bad "patch" if it lasts for years

OP You're involving innocent people in this bizarre set up and that's not right. Why should a perfectly nice couple have to check what they're saying because of your dickhead husband? Why should your son believe this is how relationships function?

Aren't you all worth more than that?

cailindana · 04/06/2015 09:50

He has banned you from speaking to half the population of the world?? Seriously? And you're so sucked into this weirdness that you have landed yourself in this bizarre situation where you're lying about new friends and having to pretend you've been chatting to someone you don't even know. Honestly it sounds like some weird torture situation where a prisoner is kept afraid so that they won't escape.

You need to leave this psycho, asap.

guineapig1 · 04/06/2015 11:13

Another one urging you to end this relationship. Your husband's actions are controlling and unhealthy. How long before he bans you from speaking with other men you might come across on a day to day basis: teachers/doctors/accountant/man at the bank/gas meter guy/petrol station checkout etc. You can't avoid men because your husband is a nutjob. What kind of example is that for your son and his future relationships?

Out of interest do you work? If so, you must come across men in work I'd imagine? How does your husband respond to that? If not, I'd urge you to get a job ASAP, it will help you both with confidence and financial independence.

HellKitty · 04/06/2015 11:28

You initially didn't lie to your husband, you assumed that the MNr that helped you was a woman. You have now turned a simple 'sorry it was a man, I thought it was a woman' into a long story that 'her' husband now knows all about you and you'll have to pretend to know the mum even though you don't and who will probably wonder who this crazy lady is. You have had to make up this immense story to please your husband to the point where it'd be easier (for you) to pull your DS out of school. Ridiculous. So your DS suffers to keep him happy. You suffer daily to keep him happy.

I dread to think how many knots you'd pull yourself in to come up with the 'having to leave school' story.

LTB. With knobs on.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 04/06/2015 11:31

Hi OP. I'm a man. My expertise covers harassment law, risotto, HGVs, and not being an arsehole in sore need of a kicking.

Is there anything you'd like to ask me?

ScorpioMermaid · 04/06/2015 13:22

LTB. seriously. you sound terrified OP.

OvertiredandConfused · 04/06/2015 13:49

Your "D"H doesn't like men speaking to you?! That's 50% of the population. And presumably he doesn't speak to any women other than you?

You sound so stressed and scared about what should be an innocent mix-up. Please think about getting some help to view your relationship from a more objective point of view and then take the steps you need to make sure you and your DS are living a normal, happy life with your DS having appropriate role models.

however · 04/06/2015 14:00

In a regular marriage, this would simply be a non event. He really has done a number on you.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 04/06/2015 14:12

It's also really not normal that, if he has a couple of weeks off work, he will be accompanying you on the school run. Why? Because you can't be trusted? Because a random man might cross your path?

How about you contact the wife, explain that your husband is an abusive twat, and ask if she can pretend, if it comes up, that she's been the one communicating with you? Embarrassing and all, but if you want to stay with a man like that, needs must I suppose.

ginagslovechild · 04/06/2015 14:19

OP, read your OP again from the perspective of it being your daughter or sister who has written it.
Your dh sounds absolutely pathetic, and tbh and I'm sorry if this is brutal, but so do you.

As others have said, what example is this showing your ds?

JustLikeMe · 04/06/2015 14:22

Dragging can I point out to yoou that you didn't initially lie to your DH. That was a genuine mistake.

Then the 'lie' about knowing that guy's wife isn't a lie in my eyes. It's a protection mechanism. Very different.

You are stressed and afraid. So afraid you are thinking to change the dcs school just to avoid a random man that you've only talked to once (aka you don't knnow him what so ever). So afraid that something might go wrong, that a man might say the 'wrong' thing, that you act on the assumption that everyone can be a 'threat'.

If one of your children was in that situation, what would you tell him/her? If it was one of your dearest friend who was so afraid of her DH reaction, what would you tell her?
Would you tell her that it's OK and that her DH is right and she needs to put things right? Or would you tell her that her DH is over the top and really it's a non issue? Would you tell her to stay 'for the children'? Even if it means that you might want to change school several times because 'of a man'? Can you see how that would be detrimental to your dcs?

GatoradeMeBitch · 04/06/2015 14:33

Your post is awful, really awful. What you describe is such a non-issue to people in normal relationships. I don't even know what to say Sad

Hissy · 04/06/2015 15:02

My dh wasn't comfortable as he doesn't like men speaking to me

My ex was like this, gasfitters, meter men, men in shops, men walking in the street (I had to keep my face down and averted)

Your son will be a man one day. his friends will be men. He may have male teachers, headmaster...

You need to see love that this is not normal, it was for me for a long time, but it's a horrific way to live, it left me agoraphobic and terrified of life. My son was 5 when we split. Within DAYS you could see him blossom and bloom.

You didnt lie, you were mistaken, not your fault and not an issue. REALLY!

Pumpeedo · 04/06/2015 15:07

You poor love. You've done nothing wrong. You can't live like this, you need to leave him. Good luck and stay strong Flowers

IonaNE · 04/06/2015 15:10

Your husband does not like men speaking to you?! Where are you, Iran? If you are in Europe, OP, then your husband is seriously messed up.

diddl · 04/06/2015 15:23

"My dh wasn't comfortable as he doesn't like men speaking to me "

Oh good grief.

What should you do?

Leave your husband!

motherinferior · 04/06/2015 15:25

OP, look, nobody thinks this is normal behaviour. Honestly. It's not you.