When will he man up?

[choccybear]

We have been together 8 years, it's been 5 with children. He was a gardener/roofer when we met (ex-actor) and due to having two children in quick succession, our only option childcare wise was for his to retrain as a childminder. We could not afford nursery fees for two in London. He never had a spare penny, and my wage at the time would only have covered one child's nursery fees. His work was not regular, no sick days, weeks with no income etc. Whereas I have a steady job as a teacher.

Anyway, skip a few years, we have recently relocated abroad to an International school, I am a teacher and he is a TA. Our children have full time free schooling now. However he still earns a pittance. I pay for a maid/nanny and all bills including food. Which means I never have spare cash to spend on myself, well I say never, but maybe once a month a get my nails done/buy a dress etc (all on the cheap). Basically, I have had enough of having a husband who can't provide for me. He never pays for a restaurant/bar bill and never says 'thank you' when I do.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to man up, get a career, learn to drive (I do all the driving) and provide for his wife and two children? In addition to this, he drinks heavily, avoids tidying up, cleaning up, organising anything, the list goes on! I feel like he takes me for granted. He is now 43. Old enough to think like a grown up and now shirk his responsibilities, no? If we earned an equal wage, we could go on holidays and basically not be skint a week after payday.

Of course, when I try to discuss this he talks in vague terms of applying for PGCE, post-grad course of some sort etc. next year. But this has been going on for years too.

I want someone to treat me for a change. But also, long term, I really want him to provide for his children as they grow up (still in EYFS) and have a pension or savings for his old age (which let's face, it is only 20 or so years away)

Two nights ago, I tried to address the problem, he called me 'nasty and mean'. Then the next day, he had only two beers, followed by a cup of tea in the evening. A cup of tea in the evening is unheard of for him after midday. I stupidly thought 'ooh this is progress'.

Any way come Saturday evening, we both had a beer watching a movie and I asked him to set the table whilst I was cooking. A reasonable request? Oh no, apparently I was giving him 'orders'. I bloody give up. I told him this was a perfectly normal request, one which he could have just offered to do without me asking but he didn't, hence why I have to ask. It's all tits up again.

Is there such a thing as an 'enabler'? Am I enabling him, by having a drink with him now and again, thus normalising it?

It is impossible to talk about normal things with him, without him getting defensive. Having a laugh, fine. Me asking him 'Why did you put a plate and bowl out for the children?' turns into me 'having a go at him.'

I swear he's like Jekyll and Hyde.

I think you're enabling everything not just the drink, not intentionally obviously. The fact that you're running his life smoothly for him around the drink is more of the issue. But remember - you did not cause this and you cannot cure it.

It's clear that he's not the kind of person it's possible to negotiate with, so I would be focusing on getting out rather than trying to understand him.

Seriously op, if you really think he has a drink problem and you want him to stop, then you can't drink either. Surely you know this?

You do sound a bit of a nag, sorry.

Agree the drink is the problem. And yes, if that has been established and agreed upon, you are on the wagon with him. Because otherwise, you're treating him like a child and making up rules about when and where and why. How can you say 'this is okay' on one occasion and THE EXACT SAME THING is suddenly not okay a week later? Just cold turkey it, the both of you. Make it a competition, or source of bonding or something.

He doesn't sound like someone you should be with tbh. I think you're being unfair re career/money, if he's a 'failed' actor or whatever he must be feeling very unfulfilled and a bit lost, and yes he did take time out for the kids. Women quit work every day to raise kids and never have a job again, I very rarely see any of them being questioned. Although I can also see it from your side, if he's capable of more and it would improve all of your lives, it does appear he's coasting/being lazy. It just seems that you're incompatible. Can you see that changing? Is he capable of it? Are you? It's always a two way street.

The posters telling you not to drink to control his drinking are way off.

To quote the full Al Anon slogan: 'You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. And you can't control it.'

You cannot be responsible for keeping his drinking in check and even if you try it won't work.

Please do not get into competition or try and bond over cold turkey with an alcoholic.

Not to control his drinking, to help. Is it not easier to give something up when A) someone is doing it with you and B) the thing you're addicted to is no longer around you or your house?

I am of course talking about someone who has 'a bit of a problem', not necessarily a full blown alcoholic. If he's that bad he should be in a facility or in some sort of step program, no?

Like others, I don't think you can marry a jobbing actor / gardener / TA / childminder and suddenly expect them to have a lucrative career at a later date. Surely you screen for compatible levels of ambition / earning potential early doors (while accepting that in a marriage of LTR nothing is guaranteed)?

The drinking / laziness is a different thing and completely unacceptable. Even if he fixes that though, at 43, he is not suddenly going to walk into a job that can 'support' you in the short term.

He hasn't given it up though has he, he won't even accept he has a problem. And if he's not going to take responsibility, then her drinking or not drinking is not going to make any difference.

He should be on a 12 step programme. If he were, and he were sincerely trying to keep on the wagon, then the OP not drinking around him would have a point.

Putting aside the alcoholism, for which I think you should separate anyway.

On the financial side of things, I am not quite sure what you expected... Surely it was always clear that his earning potential was limited?

My DH has often criticised my poor contribution to our joint finances, my lack of savings, my low wage...but funnily enough, I was actually (like you) a teacher for many years. My teaching salary was fairly pitiful in his eyes! After all, one woman's high earner is another man's lightweight :)

Just slip the 'you don't contribute financially' boot on for a minute and see how it feels...in fact I will tell you how it feels - unvalued.

I am not defending your DH in the least, as he sounds like a pretty poor specimen of a father and a man - but this is an insight into how he might be feeling.

Do not modify your life or your habits in order to produce any desirable effect in him. This is unhealthy, and it is controlling when it's all boiled down. Plus, you should know by now that this man will neither lead nor follow, so leading is not going to work anyway.

The drinking problem is his, his to acknowledge, his to tackle, his to take responsibility for.

Also, in the event of separation and a struggle for custody, he can point to you stopping as evidence that you have a drinking problem. Don't rule out any unreasonable accusation in the event of separation, and try to anticipate issues.

Have you considered the possibility of cutting your losses here? Many posters see that course of action as a no brainer, but you have not addressed comments about calling it quits and letting him sink or swim on his own..

You actually seem very caught up in the gerbil wheel of the relationship. What are you hoping to gain in the relationship?