Friends who don't turn up to weddings after RSVP-ing

[Marmaladybird]

We had a small ceremony with only the capacity for a set number of guests. A lot of people we wanted there didn't get invited as people had RSVP'd stating that they would be there so every place was taken.

Fast forward to the day and lo and behold, 12 people didn't show up (5 couples). Three of those couples were invited to(and were enthusiastic about) the ceremony too.

A mixture of old friends, family and workmates with an assortment of excuses from car accidents to no babysitter letting them down.

I am fuming - not only that we couldn't invite friends because of this but because of the cost of those places. They could have said no.

Should I just forget it and chalk it up? Does this happen a lot? I am really upset about it.

Those sound like legitimate reasons to pull out to me? Nobody plans for a babysitter being ill, or someone rear ending them at a roundabout, surely?!

Accidents do happen and I guess a few people will flake out at the last minute - it's only because your wedding was so intimate that you noticed, because twelve out of three hundred wouldn't show. So yes it does happen a lot.

That said, it does seem like a pretty big proportion of your guests were absent so I'm not surprised you're upset.

But you're MARRIED so who cares.

I can understand why you're upset, but it doesn't sound like flakey reasons these people couldn't attend. They couldn't have foreseen that their babysitter would let them down or they'd be involved in a road collision, so how were they to decline the rsvp weeks ago?

I only had one no show at our wedding, but no advance warning (so full cost of meal) and no apology or explanation afterwards.
Bloody rude

12 out of a small wedding is unfortunate.
did they let you know so that tables could be reset?

Most were on the day or the day before so we couldn't reset.

It will die down, I suppose, but it's so annoying.

A plea for understanding from me. We were invited to a wedding about 3 hours drive from our home. Like yours it was a small event, and totally fabulous. On the day of the wedding our toddler had a very high temperature (unusually for him) and although we had a good babysitter we were so worried that he might end up really ill and we might have to hightail it home that we called the grooms to cancel. The upshot of it was a very frosty response (understandable) and no more invitations to their parties etc. It's a real shame because we had been really looking forward to going, but I do understand. I suppose what I'm saying is that mostly people understand a lot of preparation goes into a wedding and won't cancel without a good reason. It was just really unlucky for you that there were 3 cancellations, it doesn't mean they don't care about you. Give them and yourself a break.

We had one no-show at our relatively small wedding, although I didn't realise until part-way through the day. A few days later, we texted them to check if they were ok and it turns out that having been seriously ill earlier in the year (serious operation), they had an anxiety attack about being away from home for the day and what might happen if they got ill on the day. As a result they couldn't face coming along and were clearly quite embarrassed when we got the full story out of them.

A friend of mine got married in December during heavy snow and about a dozen guests couldn't get there because the driving conditions were impossible.

It is annoying, but most people don't drop out of weddings at short notice without a really good reason. Try not to dwell on it.

I know - I'm not usually an arse about things like this but I think because there were so many it's got on my nerves.

I haven't been frosty with anyone but I'm not running around after anyone either, IYKWIM.

I'll get over it...I really should be concentrating on being married rather than who turned up, I suppose you're right, MrsHathaway.

I had 4 not turn up. No excuse, nothing. Had the places set and they never came.

I haven't spoken to any of them since. It was a very clear indication to me that they no longer valued our friendship.

A friend rang my future MIL a few days before my wedding to say she wasn't coming. MIL didn't tell me. I was looking for her in the church as I had very few guests. I'd rather have known before the wedding.

We had to miss the wedding of an old friend because my husband was taken ill that morning and at the time of the service was having a scan because the doctors were worried he had a brain tumour. I explained this and she has never spoken to me since. Apparently it wasn't a good enough excuse

12 is a big number of last-minute no-shows, so I can fully understand why you're upset, but I really do think it's something to try to forget about.

I think most people understand that weddings are costly affairs and wouldn't cancel last-minute without good reason. Those who would aren't worth dwelling on at such a happy time.

Congratulations on the marriage, by the way :)

We had 2 no shows at our wedding. Neither bothered letting anyone know.

When we saw them later one didn't give a reason and one 'was skint'. I know weddings are expensive to go to but I had offered this person a seat on a minibus that was going from where he lived which cost a fiver.

I don't speak to either of them anymore.

I had three no shows at wedding number one. One had sent a card saying she couldn't make it because of an amazing new job that meant she had to fly out on the Friday. One said she was skint (but was supposed to be helping out on the day!) and just never turned up. The last told me many years later (didn't see him for 10 years) that he was all dressed up in the morning, but couldn't come because he was in love with me and couldn't watch me get married to someone else (I had no idea). I think my response was a general splutter. I haven't seen him again since that time. I think he had gotten over me in those 10 years :o

My wedding consisted of 28 guests. Out of those, one came to the ceremony but bailed for the reception and one turned up at 9pm (after the meal), insulted me, smoked spliffs with my (ex) in laws and refused to book into or pay for the room he had reserved and the hotel had kept for him despite having a waiting list for rooms. The hotel tried to charge us for his room the next day, I refused and gave his address.

I've never spoken to either of them again - the latter was exH's friend anyway. It is annoying but you just have to suck it up.

I would be fuming. I'm paying a lot per head and if they agree to attend then they should! Illness etc is acceptable obviously but most people that flake just cba to come!

I think I'm annoyed because I don't know if their excuses are true...I'd never accuse them of lying though so I'll just have to get over myself.

I have no reason to think they'd lie, to be fair.

I'd rather people were no shows with poorly kids than dragged them along because they don't want their fun spoilt. Like the lovely lady who insisted her weeping, pale 5yo ds panned out on a dining chair was just a wee bit run down. He gave a good swathe of the guests norovirus including the bride and groom who were supposed to be honeymooning in New Zealand the next day. Who wants that wedding gift?!

We had a relatively small wedding and two weeks before a male friend whose wedding I hat attended the year before at great expense rang with some bullshit excuse about not being able to attend.

I had been close friends with him for over 20 yrs and didn't receive a card, text or anything on the day.

I haven't spoken to him since and I never will. It was one thing not attending our wedding but not even acknowledging it was too much.

I had a small wedding with no shows. Some I didn't mind was they were poorly. Others were just flakey, 2 with no reason and one forgot she had a work thing. The meals were brought out anyway and people ate them / shared them out apart from the vegan one which no one else wanted!

oh dear we have always been to weddins but a few years ago my boyfriend had really bad d and v the day of the wedding, went white and couldnt get out of bed. He nearly passed out several times and was scared to leave him as didnt leave near anyone at the time. sent a bottle of champagne to the family and apologised but i felt awful :( x

If you have no reason to think they may lie then surely you'd be concerned for them rather than cross? - the people in the car accident, do you know if they are ok?

I can totally understand that it's disappointing to have that many no-shows but I think you're taking it all very personally, when maybe they've had to cope with sudden adverse events and actually would have preferred to have made it to your wedding!

I had several very late pull outs for my wedding and like others on this thread, I've cut them out of my life. I thought I was a bit strange for doing this but after reading others have felt the same I feel much nicer about it. I mean if someone is flaking on your wedding day what are they worth to you? Illness excepted of course. I think ours was about £250 a head. That bothered me less than the individual party packs I had handmade for their kids though

How small was your wedding op? I bet it was lovely anyhow. We had one no show at our wedding breakfast - he forgot he told us after!

We invited loads of people to the ceremony and the evening who we couldn't invite to the meal (I realise that's a major crime on MN but quite normal in my social world) and none of them who came to the evening came to the ceremony, despite the fact they said they would, and we laid on additional refreshments for them for after the ceremony