Friends who don't turn up to weddings after RSVP-ing

[Marmaladybird]

We had a small ceremony with only the capacity for a set number of guests. A lot of people we wanted there didn't get invited as people had RSVP'd stating that they would be there so every place was taken.

Fast forward to the day and lo and behold, 12 people didn't show up (5 couples). Three of those couples were invited to(and were enthusiastic about) the ceremony too.

A mixture of old friends, family and workmates with an assortment of excuses from car accidents to no babysitter letting them down.

I am fuming - not only that we couldn't invite friends because of this but because of the cost of those places. They could have said no.

Should I just forget it and chalk it up? Does this happen a lot? I am really upset about it.

No shows are a PITA, but at our wedding we had the converse : friends had just split up so we invited them separately and carefully sat them well away form each other.
She turned up with the other man and threw a wobbler when it was pointed out that he was not on the list or the seating plan

There's a clear difference between someone who genuinely can't make it for a legitimate reason but makes a real effort to let you know that you're in their thoughts and a no-show with no explanation.

The latter is just bloody rude and thoughtless and shows that your big day, your time spent planning and the money you've spent matters little to them. That's a friendship deal breaker for me.

And dp agrees, so there.

There was a no show at a friend's wedding a few years ago, one of our gang just didn't show after RSVPing yes. He texted a relative of the groom with a flimsy excuse about work (another friend works with him, so we know it's bullshit) and never contacted the bride or groom to apologise or congratulate them. It was the final, rather large, straw and none of us speak to him any more.

However, OP. If these people have real (or plausibly real) excuses, and are usually reliable, give them a break. Sometimes things happen that just can't be helped.

FWIW One of our witnesses was a no show
It panned out when we found out what had happened.

We had two no-shows to our wedding ceremony and breakfast,;both were DHs friends and both claimed to have forgotten we were getting married. This was despite them attending the stag-do a week to the before the wedding. I was beyond annoyed at the time not least because there were a couple of really good mutual friends we could have invited instead and the wasted expense (£81 per head IIRC). Looking back, it didn't really matter but I remember feeling very aggrieved by it for a good while. It's natural, it's one of the most important day of your life and it cuts deep when people who you consider to be friends don't seem to appreciate it. In your case OP, who knows they're all probably genuine reasons but do sympathise tha 12 no-shows for a small wedding is galling. Howver,, try and focus on the positive and in time, the hurt and rage will fade.

I had 2 couples no show to my wedding. Both of the men had appendicitis. I saw both the scars as well, so definitely no excuses there!

My sister doesn't like going to weddings. She doesn't like it if she isn't the centre of attention. She prefers to rock up at the reception with some big drama made up excuse about the car breaking down. I thought doing the same stunt to both our cousins who are sisters was especially shirty though.

It's pretty common. Looking back I'm amazed I had a sit down meal both times when a buffet means at least you don't have empty seats staring at you.

Stuff does happen to everyone, of course, and it will eat away at you less if you accept the excuses as true.

One of our no shows quite openly said she had been to see Will Young instead [hmmm]

ah you have my sympathy, that must be so upsetting. I think you just need to take a deep breath and move on though as it will just niggle away at you otherwise.

Should I just forget it and chalk it up? Does this happen a lot? I am really upset about it.

Yes it does happen a lot. But never mind OP, this is preparing you for the hell that is your dc's birthday parties...

We had a few no shows. A couple of my parents' friends were taken ill and couldn't come (no biggie) and the then-H of a friend just decided not to come as we were more her friends than his.

I once no-showed to a wedding: I was in labour at the time and did manage to text them the day before (12 hours into said labour) that I wouldn't make it. I tried to get the baby out quickly so DH could pop into the reception, but it wasn't to be and she wasn't born til the evening, so he couldn't go. I think the B&G have forgiven us!

So glad it's not just me and my guests. I was getting a little paranoid.

I don't think I'll be holding any long term ill-will, nor will I be cringing (?) that I was disappointed/upset about it.

We have the DC's already Noodles - children's birthday parties bring me out in hives...The mere mention of a party bag or parachute games sends a shiver down my spine.

I was once really I'll (not contagious) when some friends got married. I got my then other half to drive me to the church and see the wedding and apologise to the couple and her parents who'd paid for the wedding that I was not well enough to attend the rest of the day - and they could see I really wasn't. I insisted, after the event, paying the cost of my place. The parents said I didn't need to but I put my foot down. If a group of people arrange to do something like a theatre trip or going to a gig at £60 per head and something happens and you can no longer go and you can't get a refund, you don't expect anyone else to pay for you. I think weddings are the same but realise I'll be in a tiny minority.

I don't even remember if there were any no shows at my wedding. I am honestly a bit bamboozled as to why anyone would place any kind of emphasis on it or read anything into it. Surely with weddings you choose whether you want a bigger but cheaper do so you can have everyone you want there as well as everyone you are meant to invite or a smaller but more expensive one where you limit numbers and end up excluding people and you must all know that you aren't the centre of the world and that your wedding may well be a bit of a ball ache to lots of people and that some people are going to flake and some will have unforeseen events... Just not important. When you pay for the wedding you pay for the wedding why allocate someone a cost or see it as a test of their morals/friendship?!

If someone stopped speaking to me because I was ill on their Wedding Day I'd be glad to be rid of them tbh!

That wasn't aimed at you op - know you haven't stopped speaking to ppl over it!

My sister is doing the bigger but cheaper one - registry office then a party at my mum's house. We did smaller but more expensive, mainly because I utterly hate weddings and wanted to just do registry office with witnesses but xh wanted big for everybody so we compromised in the middle.