Dh's affair with the bottle.... some perspective please

[LittleLionMansMummy]

He's had a relapse.

To cut a long story short, things came to a head last year due to him drinking vodka on the sly and hiding bottles of it. I don't mean he downs bottles of it every day but he was using it as a crutch, topping up on it in the evening and hiding it which I knew wasn't a good sign. I knew he'd been doing it but finally found the proof and confronted him. After several failed promises to clean up his act it nearly finished off our marriage. We also have a 4yo ds. He decided to go to Drink Sense and there have been massive improvements in the past 6 months - no drinking on the sly, our relationship has improved, his relationship with our ds has improved and we've been very happy.

And then tonight - boom. I realise he's slurring his words a bit and has that old facial expression and memory loss back again. I confronted him, he initially denied it, promised he hadn't had vodka etc etc - same old story. I said I'd ask him one more time for the truth and he told me, said how sorry he is, how he's let everyone down again and again has no idea what triggered it. After a lot of tears from me I asked him to give me some space. He's sitting in the garden now. I also heard him on the phone to his Drink Sense counsellor asking for an appointment as he's had a relapse.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I love him to bits and have seen how much effort he's made over the past 6 months. He's a fantastic Dad and I don't want to break my family up. But where do we go from here? I was just beginning to get my trust back and it's been completely shattered. He sat on the floor 6 months ago and begged and begged me not to leave him. How can his memory be so short? If I stay, is this what i have to look forward to every few months or can he regain control and do we stand a chance of sustained happiness? Any experience or thoughts/ wisdom greatly received.

You can't do anything until he reaches rock bottom.

Almost finishing off your marriage wasn't enough. You moved on, he had no real consequences so things have slipped back to how they were.

It is good that he has called his counsellor.

I think you need to ask him to move out if possible until he has proved he has it under control. Perhaps actually losing you even temporarily will be the kick in the arse he needs.

I did consider going to stay with my parents for a short time as they live close by, but don't want to uproot our ds. I am not sure how practical it would be to ask him to leave either. As I work ft dh does a lot of drop offs, pick ups at the cm etc and he's very hands on in terms of childcare. I'm not sure i could do it all on my own, especially as I commute to London a lot.

You'll need to learn to if he keeps drinking. It's positive that he has phoned his counsellor as it shows he isn't in complete denial. To be brutally honest it's impossible to know whether he will manage to conquer his addiction. My DH swore on his children's lives that he would never drink again, but he did, because he was an alcoholic and his addiction was too strong for him. What you have to do is take care of yourself and your child. I really feel for you. I've been where you are and it is so hard. Take care.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Alcohol is a cruel mistress.

You married an alcoholic. Why have you stayed in this marriage at all, for your son?.

Your H's primary relationship is still with drink and you and everyone else are still coming a dim and distant second. And no he is not a fantastic dad at all. He is breaking up the family by his actions and he needs to move out now. Where he goes is not your concern, your concern now should be primarily for your son and you and not him. Where were your consequences for him last time around?. You supposedly as a couple moved on and things stayed pretty much the same as they've always been. Look at the roles you have played in this.

As for rock bottom well he could go onto lose everything and still choose to drink afterwards.

Does he work currently or drive?.

It is true that there is almost no chance that the alcoholic will stop drinking as long as other people remove all the painful consequences for the alcoholic.

I am so sorry but what has happened here is of no real surprise and he will likely continue to relapse as well. What is the longest time period in your memory has he actually gone without alcohol?. Read the "3 act play" that is alcoholism. That is you and your DH.

Where is your own support; have you yourself spoken to Al-anon?. They can be very helpful to family members of problem drinkers.

You have a choice re this man, your son does not?. Do you want him growing up seeing this as his "normal"?. This is not the legacy you want to be leaving him; he could well grow up to have a raft of emotional problems caused by his dad's alcoholism and you as his mother acting as enabler. He's not going to exactly say, "thanks mum" if you were to stay with his drunkard dad.

You ultimately have to step off the merry go around that is alcoholism because you are still playing a number of roles in this as well, as a co-dependent, provoker and enabler. Its not doing you any favours playing out those roles.

If anyone should leave the marital home it should be him. Where are the consequences from you here?.

I would seek legal advice re separation if you have not already done so. You do not have to act on it straight away but knowledge after all is power.

He has done amazingly well. There will be times when he falls off the wagon and it's how he deals with that which matters. It's an addiction not something he has that much control over. It's how he handles his set back that matters

Am I right in thinking OP that you yourself grew up with an alcoholic parent?. History is simply repeating itself here.

Do not put your son through it particularly if you saw alcoholism yourself as a child.

I agree with flabulous

Yes my dad is an alcoholic.

I don't know what consequences I play out. Ultimately I don't want to break up our family. No i haven't stayed with him for our son, but things are never as straightforward after you have children. I love him. He's a good man. He isn't violent towards me, he's not abusive and in all other ways he's a genuinely lovely man. He doesn't stagger around drunk and certainly doesn't appear to be a 'drunkard'. He has a good steady job, has never been out of work, is generous with his time, love and affection. That's why I stayed, because I love him and I love our family, and we've been so happy while he's been on the wagon. That's why I'm so confused about how to handle this now.

I was going to say what FlabulousChix said. It is not unusual for an addict to have a relapse, but it's how he deals with it that is what matters. One after six months is ok, but if it's every six months it's not.

I'm sorry to say that it's a case of he stops again he has to remain stopped (did he stop drinking by the way, or by none on the sly do you mean none hidden from you?) or you have to leave him.

You cannot do the pattern of lying and arguing about drink, you giving the umpteenth ultimatum, his stopping, and repeat.

I am usually pretty hard hearted on these threads but given your description of the incident and his reaction I would be tempted to give him one last chance.

Did he say what triggered his relapse? If anything?

He is what could be termed as a "functioning alcoholic". He is functioning, well for now anyway and he has relapsed again. Its of no surprise to me at all that this has happened and it could keep happening for many more years to come as well. He will always be an alcoholic.

How many times have you made your own excuses for him, how many weekends ruined, how many times have you covered for him before now?.

Alcoholics often make bargains with themselves. Did he make bargains with himself and or this counsellor re his drinking; did your man think he could control his drinking by actually drinking less?. Did he actually drink also whilst having counselling, if so the signs for actual recovery are not looking at all good. He is really paying lip service to his alcoholism if any of the above is the case.

The alcohol is really controlling him, not the other way around. Its controlling you as well. You do love him but love is not enough and his primary relationship is with drink. Alcohol is a cruel mistress. He thinks about where the next drink is going to come from.

You need to fully recognise your own roles in this as well because you are certainly acting them out.

You need outside support for your own self here if you do not already have this and it would be a very good idea for you to attend Al-anon meetings. Do make time to go to one particularly if there is one near you, at the very least talk to them and read their literature.

You will have to accept that if you stay with him, he may never completely control his addiction. As others have said, you need to ensure that you are not enabling him & Al-anon is good for helping in this regard. I don't know about drink sense, but he sounds like the sort of addict who should never drink. I would not say LTB, addiction is a horrible curse for the addict, as well as those around him, but you will have a tough life as the partner of an addict. My prayers are with you.

Thanks for all your comments.

I really don't think I'm enabling his behaviour - and I have thought long and hard about this. For a start I have never had to 'cover' for him precisely because he's so high functioning. I've never called in sick for him, he never appears hungover. I don't cover his memory lapses - he has to deal with those consequences though to be honest they've been so insignificant he hasn't had to deal with much at all. If I am enabling his behaviour by continuing to love him then I'm guilty, but I have never excused his drinking and he is aware it is his lack of control. I am past the point of trying to explain it and i don't blame myself at all. I have confronted him however, so if that means I'm a provoker (?) then maybe I am.

My instinct is that he self medicates. He has poor self esteem and doesn't cope well with stress. He's quite anxious, highly strung. Just my observation and I gather something that was pointed out by his counsellor.

I haven't been to an al anon meeting. The one near me is on a day and at a time that I can't make due to work. I do understand that I need to look after myself though and it might help me see things more clearly, so I'm going to see if i can change arrangements so I can attend.

Dh is going to return to his weekly appointments. I have told him that even if he has not been completely truthful with me then he needs to lay all his cards on the table in confidence with his counsellor. Our conversations are very awkward at the moment. I'm not angry any more, I just feel a little empty and hopeless.

Alcoholism is truly a family disease, it does not just affect the alcoholic.

If you do not think you are enabling him (and I would still state that you are doing this simply because you are there and have given him no real consequences for his actions) do you think you are helping him instead?. What do you think you are doing?. You are frankly too close to the situation to be of any real help to him, not that he wants your help in any case. You are playing out the usual roles that the non alcoholic does in such relationships and those are all enabling ones. They only give you a false sense of control and certainly do not help him.

It is true that there is almost no chance that the alcoholic will stop drinking as long as other people (that includes the counsellor he is seeing) remove all the painful consequences for the alcoholic.

He can currently hold down a job but for how long now?. He is on a slope facing downwards and you and your son are going down with him.

Your son is learning about relationships from the two of you; what are you both teaching him here about those?.

Of course your H is self medicating; alcoholics do self medicate but look at what such self medicating has done to him. It has not solved the underlying problems that he already had. Alcohol is a depressant and acts as such. Unless he properly address the causes then nothing will ever change and you will both act out the 3 act play for the next goodness knows how many years.

If you cannot attend a meeting (and to be honest you really do need to go to those) at the very least contact Al-anon by phone and read their literature. I hope you can come to some arrangement with your employers so you can attend; I think it would really help you.

Your H has lied and will continue to lie to everyone around him and to himself. At the very least you need to start detaching an awful lot more than you have done to date.

But he does want help and acknowledges the problem. He is not in denial and has sought professional help. I think this is a big difference. He is not blaming others, denying there's a problem and allowing things to continue as they were. He accepts responsibility for his actions and has sought help accordingly - external help. I have supported him with that.

So sorry you're having to go through this OP. Can understand it must all feel a bit hopeless at the moment. I've stayed when others wouldn't because of my wedding vows... Rightly or wrongly. With my DH it's money more than drink at the moment and it's hard not to enable someone when them hitting rock bottom would be the end of your security and stability too.
If he hasn't drunk since October that's better than some. Many drinkers will have a relapse before they give up for good. Others will continue to relapse forever. If only we could have a crystal ball!

Sorry, I probably haven't been very helpful. Just wanted to say I know how torn you must be feeling.

Will also agree that some people will never change, however your DH does seem to be trying. Hope it works out whatever you decide. Make sure you look after yourself.

But he is denying it- he only came clean after you confronted him several times last night. Your op says that he denied it at first to you.

I think you are also in denial about how serious this is.

My dad is an alcoholic who sought help several times (unsuccessfully) - mum stayed because he was seeking help. In reality he carried on as usual and was enabled by my mum. My childhood was horrific (I guess you know some of that with your own dad). My dad also held down a job etc, at first. It didn't take long for him not to function.

Please please think about this long term for your own and your child's sake, as well as your dh.

Thank you sleepless, it does help to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. A big reason for me to go to an al anon meeting. As the daughter of an alcoholic i could have gone one of two ways - become an alcoholic or marry one. My sister did both. My other sister is like me, though her H is barely functioning and hasn't had a job for a year. I don't know whether to feel 'lucky' about this Apologies for my gallows humour. Sorry you're going through it too.

I would have to agree with Olivia's response here and you married an alcoholic. He has continued to lie to his own self as well as you.

He may well repeatedly relapse and may not recover particularly in the event he does make bargains with himself as to the amount he drinks. He will anyway be an alcoholic for the rest of his days.

If you really do want to help him you yourself would not shield him from the consequences of his actions. If he does want help then he should seek it without any prompting or him telling you that he is going to speak to this counsellor again. He should also be doing that without involving you in any part of that process. You are certainly not helping yourself nor him currently and you really do need outside support as well.

One generation i.e. your sister and you have already been profoundly affected by alcoholism (its truly a family disease). Do not let your son become a part of that damaging legacy going forward, you really do not want history to repeat itself.

I am also the daughter of alcoholics. It is totally uncanny how we attract addicts (or people like that are attracted to us).

I actually went to counselling to understand the reasoning behind that. It was fascinating. I would suggest it because it has totally opened my eyes.

I think you are being very supportive and trying to help him as best you can. It sounds like he is also trying to stay in recovery from what you put in your post and relapses can happen. I'd put a plan in place to try and avoid relapse again - if you feel the need to drink do this/ contact this person/ talk to the counsellor first etc and then continue to make it clear that you love him and want him to be well but you are not willing to go through another relapse because if he does X will happen (e.g you will ask him to leave). It sounds good that you will be going with him to his AA class. I really hope things start to look up for you all and look after yourself xx

As another daughter of a functioning alcoholic there is a third option which is marrying a man with no alcohol problem as I did. It's just not something I could tolerate having seen my mum put up with it for so many years.

In answer to your original question of whether this is it now, relapsing every few months, well obviously no one can answer that. My own dad did give up drinking of his own accord, now won't even have brandy butter, red wine sauce or mouthwash with alcohol in it. However this was after years and years of promising to my mum he'd stop drinking and after he'd already lost any respect I had for him. He's not had a single drop of alcohol in 20 years and he's a much better man for it but I won't ever forgive him, ever. He eventually gave up after a failed suicide attempt, no counselling or anything which just proved to me he could've done it earlier and been a decent dad and husband.

So I'm afraid I have no advice to offer, only you know your situation and feelings . I'm just sharing my story.

You have my sympathies, as does your ds.

I think, given that you have said he is a high-functioning alcoholic, never violent or abusive and able to fulfill all his commitments, you might at least consider accepting the situation for the time being. If things change and he begins
*spending more money than the family can afford
*missing work or messing up his tasks
*becoming aggressive
*spending too much time sleeping off his hangovers

Then reconsider. Remember that you don't have to make a lifetime commitment to accepting his drinking and you can change your mind and throw him out at any time.

People are encouraged, these days, to get very silly and hysterical about 'addiction' and it's important to disregard anything said by AA or other 12-step programmes as they are dangerous, unscientific nonsense with the highest relapse rate of any kind of intervention going. Their models of addiction are based on superstition (and there is some good recent research suggesting far more effective ways of dealing with problem drinking/drug taking).

It does seem like there must be a middle option that isn't quite as nuclear as some are suggesting is the only choice.

Could you not take control of the family finances, so he can't let the addiction affect those, and possibly fit one of those breathalizers to the car so that it won't start unless it produces a clear result.

If he drives to work, then the car thing would be a pretty good daily barometer of his state for you and for him.