Dh's affair with the bottle.... some perspective please

[LittleLionMansMummy]

He's had a relapse.

To cut a long story short, things came to a head last year due to him drinking vodka on the sly and hiding bottles of it. I don't mean he downs bottles of it every day but he was using it as a crutch, topping up on it in the evening and hiding it which I knew wasn't a good sign. I knew he'd been doing it but finally found the proof and confronted him. After several failed promises to clean up his act it nearly finished off our marriage. We also have a 4yo ds. He decided to go to Drink Sense and there have been massive improvements in the past 6 months - no drinking on the sly, our relationship has improved, his relationship with our ds has improved and we've been very happy.

And then tonight - boom. I realise he's slurring his words a bit and has that old facial expression and memory loss back again. I confronted him, he initially denied it, promised he hadn't had vodka etc etc - same old story. I said I'd ask him one more time for the truth and he told me, said how sorry he is, how he's let everyone down again and again has no idea what triggered it. After a lot of tears from me I asked him to give me some space. He's sitting in the garden now. I also heard him on the phone to his Drink Sense counsellor asking for an appointment as he's had a relapse.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I love him to bits and have seen how much effort he's made over the past 6 months. He's a fantastic Dad and I don't want to break my family up. But where do we go from here? I was just beginning to get my trust back and it's been completely shattered. He sat on the floor 6 months ago and begged and begged me not to leave him. How can his memory be so short? If I stay, is this what i have to look forward to every few months or can he regain control and do we stand a chance of sustained happiness? Any experience or thoughts/ wisdom greatly received.

You say he's great with ds and that he does his share of the childcare while you're at work. Are you sure you can continue to leave him in sole charge of ds if he's relapsed?

You are in a bloody awful situation, he may kick it, chances are he wont, at least not for a long time to come - the amount of friends I have that have given up on their marriage exactly because of this is frightening. I feel really sorry for you, you should not have to live like this, or your children.

Only you can decide if he's actually worth the chaos he is causing, you sometimes have to be selfish, can't help but think you and your kids will be a lot happier not living with him.

I am sure he is sorry but usually they still think alcohol is more important to them.

Sorry Haffdonga, I should have been clearer. We both work full time, he does a lot of the nursery/ cm drop offs/ pick ups on days when i go into work too early or get out late. So he doesn't have sole charge - mostly we're all in the house together and pitch in as and when needed. His drinking, when he does it, is in the evening when ds has gone to bed and I am around. He's not drinking during the day - I'd know in an instant if he was because I've become finely attuned to his mannerisms.

In terms of family finances Garnett we have separate accounts and neither of us has access to the other person's account though we're quite open about what's in there. Some bills come out of mine and some out of his, but I wonder if we need a joint account so i know exactly what's coming in and going out and I'll pay my money into that each month.

LLMM: So what actually are the harmful effects of his drinking at present?
He's not violent or verbally abusive
He's not driving while drunk
He doesn't suffer debilitating hangovers
He's not spending more than the family can afford
He's not failing at work

This is what I mean about hysteria and silliness - don't forget that the 'rehab' industry is profitable in many cases (not so much AA, but AA is basically a cult). So there are a lot of people who have a vested interest in diagnosing alcoholism - and others who just love to meddle.
Other than the fact that he drinks more alcohol than some people do, what is the problem?

And before everyone jumps in waa-ing and baa-ing about how it will Get Worse, well it might rain hammers tomorrow. There are no guarantees. But it's not generally a good idea to behave as though things are much worse than they are.

Dh is going to return to his weekly appointments.

Ah, so he'd stopped going to his meetings? That was a clue. I think he thought he'd got it all worked out and knew what to do - bollocks. He was giving himself permission to start drinking again.

You simply aren't equipped to deal with this, probably less so because you grew up around alcoholism.

Asking him to move out for a few months whilst he works on his sobriety is not the same as ending your marriage. I would also suggest that weekly contact with an alcohol counsellor is not sufficient for him and he should be seeking more intensive help, whether that is AA or another addiction service.

Did he admit to anyone other than you that he had a problem with booze before?

A book you may find helpful is this one.

SBG: and you guarantee all those things yes.

spent 13 years with a highly intelligent man who worked and did a degree in engineering at the same time, was a high achiever, you name it, nobody would have guessed. Yes on the outside it looks all rosy.

On the inside it usually goes much like this:

He's over the limit in the morning from last night's drinking
Your sex life dies because the alcohol corrodes his desire and ability
You are forced into a situation you neither asked for or want
Of course his finances are being compromised if he's drinking to excess

As for having hangovers, I bet he has terrible ones.

And, nobody knows if he is failing at work, you are not there.

It's not hysteria to not want your partner to drink to this extent.

tribpot - it was a programme he enrolled in, so it was never intended that he'd continue going forever - the counsellors there assess when they believe someone is ready to effectively be 'discharged'.

And yes, he's had to tell people he was struggling to control it and so stopped because it was noticed he wasn't drinking on family occasions.

I have to agree with SGB to some extent about the hysteria.. and I don't know why certain posters are railing at you OP, given that you haven't really done anything wrong!
I think you need to spell it out to your husband that your are running out of faith in him and make it clear how you feel about the over drinking.
My Dad was an alcoholic too mostly functioning, and while it did kill him younger than he should have died I don't feel particularly damaged by it. He was quite a selfish man,and would have been selfish as a sober man also I think.

I do think that people will do what they choose to do and it's down to you to decide what you can and can't live with, then stick to it for your own sake.

I was not at all surprised to read that this man had relapsed.

What OP has done has not helped anyone least of all her own self or for that matter her own H.

Did he make a bargain with himself re his drinking (tried to control it)?. Its a behaviour that alcoholics often do. If he is an alcoholic then he should not be drinking at all. It should not have mattered to anyone else that he was not drinking on family occasions. He had good reason not to drink.

If you truly want to help him OP you have to help your own self first. That also means amongst other things properly addressing any co-dependency issues you have.

My dad's family are heavy drinkers. My dad, verging on alcoholic at points, I remember hearing him being sick in the toilet every morning during bad times. One uncle has been in rehab twice. Another rarely drinks now but is a problem drinker when he does - throws up, wets the bed...

I grew up bloody hating the addictive side of alcohol and would never have married a man with a drink problem and before we married DH drank once or twice a week and never at home, but guess what!! Since our children were born my DH developed a drink problem and although he's cut down recently, he still drinks every day.

My point is nothing is guaranteed. It's not as easy as just not marrying someone who drinks heavily. Maybe we have a future-drink-problem-radar and are attracted like moths to a flame?!

Does she have "co-dependency issues"though? Isn't everyone who is in a long term relationship with children fairly dependent on one another? I guess there is some back story to this that I don't know ?

The only back story Ifnot was that i posted here 6 months or so ago - but I've summarised it in this thread. As for codependency, i am sure this should mean something to me with all my qualifications in psychology but for the moment it passes me by. But reading between the lines it appears this is somehow my fault.

Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family.

Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behaviour.

Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviours that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited.

Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.

And not its not your fault. All this began in your childhood when you yourself grew up with alcoholism being present in your familial home. You were taught how to be co-dependent. That certainly did not help any.

You can only help your own self ultimately OP and your son. What do you want him to remember about his childhood?.

Yes i can identify with those behaviours and feelings from my childhood Attila - it's helpful that you've articulated the meaning and i recognise them in my younger self. However ironically my experiences with my dad have meant that i am more aware of my own needs and by no means see myself as a rescuer. And I've explained that i don't cover for him. I am very much more open about my needs than i ever was as a child. I just want a marriage and a happy family, with a future.

One thing this definitely is NOT is your fault, LittleLion. I don't think any poster has meant to imply that. By propping him up you may not be helping but this is not your fault, and you can't fix it.

Lion, I identify very closely with your reluctance to lose the security and closeness in your relationship. The problem I had and I guess the spouses of most alcoholics have, is that living with an alcoholic, even one who seems to function relatively well and who has longish periods of sobriety, is scary and unsettling. I still remember the horror of playing hunt the vodka bottle. And it's not hysterical to point out that alcoholics do get worse as their addiction deepens and it begins to affect their physical and mental health. In my case, I waited far too long for things to change. I thought I could help him, but the truth is I couldn't. Hiding bottles and bank cards, fitting breathalysers, antabuse, rehab...none of it will work unless the alcoholic has made the decision to stop.

it's important to disregard anything said by AA or other 12-step programmes as they are dangerous, unscientific nonsense with the highest relapse rate of any kind of intervention going.

Crikey, SGB, what an extreme and hyperbolic statement.

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? I doubt it.

AA is not everyone's cup of tea but it has certainly helped a lot of people, myself included. And I'm very sceptical of any study saying that 12-step programmes have 'the highest relapse rate of any kind of intervention going'. That may be the case but how the hell has the data been gathered? AA is completely anonymous and doesn't even keep a list of members' names. There's no reliable way to track members' success. I presume that you could track the people who have been ordered to attend AA as part of a court judgement (this happens in US courts!), but those people who are forced to attend AA are much more likely to have a high rate of relapse than people who walk into AA of their own volition.

I don't go to AA to understand the "science" behind addiction. I go because it's free group therapy, where recovering alcoholics talk to other recovering alcoholics about how to get sober and stay sober.

I'm sure other types of intervention could be equally effective or even more effective, but how many types of intervention do you know that are widely accessible and free?

Sorry to derail your thread, OP, but if I were you I would absolutely go to Al Anon. There you will hear other people say what Attila has said very well on this thread. In the end, no one and nothing can help your DH stop drinking unless he decides for himself that he's ready to stop. It's not your fault and it's not your responsibility.

I would second marfisa's comment about Alanon, Lion. From my own relatively recent first hand experience the people my husband met in AA were the people who understood him best, and who saw through the lies he was telling himself and others. They took their recovery seriously and were determined to pay it forward and share their experiences with others. In my opinion if my husband had stopped mocking and really listened, their 'one day at a time' approach would have been the one thing that might have saved his life.

AA might 'work' for some people but give credit where credit's due - the people themselves gained control over their drinking. They reached the point where they were ready to stop, and the involvement of a dubious pseudoreligion was coincidental.

Thank god some members came on to argue against the presentation of AA as a cult! Why don't you read up about cults, SolidGoldBrass , and then compare them to AA? Where is the charismatic leader of AA? Where is the social control? Where are you compelled to attend AA meetings?
Ime AA attenders are extremely aware of the nature of their addiction and work hard to understand themselves and the lies they have told themselves in the past in order to justify drinking again. They understand that they can't control alcohol, it controls then, and that's why they decide to abstain. A lot of people don't like, or are frightened of, the idea of never touching alcohol again - I wonder if denouncing AA as a 'cult' stems from this fear.