I went to bed with a heavy heart in the early hours of yesterday morning, djrmrcbhyvf, in part because of the thought of you wandering the streets and sleeping rough at a time when you are so vulnerable and also because of my concern that the stridency of some of the responses you've received may have served to make you feel even more isolated from the 'mainstream' and even more fearful of the outcome of the forthcoming ICPC.
As those responses came after Chopin's account of what was undoubtedly a harrowing experience for her and which, in fact, embodied your worst fears realised, it wouldn't be at all surprising if any spark of hope you may have had that your experience would be any different has been completely extinguished by some what you've read here.
If that is the case, my love, you need to know that your reaction to the report you were given on Friday is not markedly different from how many mentally healthy mothers would react as it is an entirely natural response for a parent to seek to sacrifice themselves in order to ensure the survival of their dc.
This was not you getting it wrong because you are not as mentally together or on the ball as others; it was you doing what you believed was best for your dc and in other circumstances I have no doubt you would be praised for your selflessness.
However, I suspect that your decision to leave your home so peremptorily on Friday night may have also been prompted by feelings of being unsupported or misunderstood by your dh/other family members and your absence may have subsequently been the cause of some consternation among them, particularly if you failed to annouce it.
We are all capable of doing things we may subsequently come to regret, or which may make us feel that our cause is even more hopeless than it was, and the events of the last few days may have left you feeling that there is no point in fighting what, in your present state of mind, may seem inevitable.
If this should be the case, I suggest you divest yourself of a considerable amount of the pressure you are under by simply taking the path of least resistance and allowing whatever will be to happen because, at the present time, you are not in any condition to be able to argue your case in such a manner as to alter those decisions which you believe have already been made.
Let's be blunt and remove any doubt that your belief may be attributable to some paranoid delusion or other, as the fact is that this particular conference has only been convened because the alleged concerns of significant emotional harm to your dc caused by you/your illness have been substantiated insofar as your local authority's Childrens Services is concerned.
In order to substantiate those concerns, some or all of those present will have communicated with some or all of the others prior to the conference and a strategy meeting will have taken place to determine what is considered to be in the best interests of your dc.
Make no doubt about it; it would indeed be a most unusual, not to say unique, Initial CPC if decisions have not already been made regarding what provisions should be put in place to safeguard your dc.
(As an aside: you're only crazy as a fox, honey, as all of your gut feelings are spot on but, nevertheless, I doubt this will be sufficient to provide you with the reasurance and comfort you are so desperately in need of.)
To continue: the social worker responsible for compiling the report is under obligation to explain the purpose of the conference, who will be attending, the way in which it operates, and appraise you of the complaints procedure.
You should also be told in writing that you have the right to be accompanied by a friend or supporter/advocate to enable you to put your views to the conference or to speak for you if you feel unable to speak yourself, together with details of any local advice or advocacy services and the conference complaints procedure.
If you do not feel able to attend alternative means should be provided to enable you to communicate with the chair, or your advocate/supporter can express your views within the conference on the day .
NB If you appoint a solicitor to act for you, s/he can only attend in the role of supporter in compliance with Law Society guidance Attendance of solicitors at local authority Children Act meetings which, in essence, means that s/he cannot adopt an adversarial position or cross-examine participants. That said, it is often the case that the presence of a solicitor at meetings of this nature can serve to concentrate minds.
The voice of the child/ren is of crucial importance to CPCs but, nevertheless, their declared wish not to attend must be respected. It's understandable that your dc have said they do not wish to attend when the meeting will be held at their school and they will be pulled out of lessons/break time with all that implies in terms of raising the curiousity of their peers - some of whom may recognise the social worker(s) or other attendees as they make their way to and from the car park to the room which has been set aside for the conference.
While it may be convenient for the teaching staff who have been invited to attend and it can be argued that the child/ren will be away from their lessons for less time than if they were required to travel to another venue, it seems to me - and to many others - that holding CPCs at their schools is not the best way to gain the trust of children who may themselves be in crisis.
As this is an initial conference and as it is highly unlikely that, even if you were fighting fit, you will be able to ensure that your views/wishes/preferences prevail on the day, if you are not up to attending you are best advised to appoint a supporter/advocate to speak on your behalf, report the outcome back to you immediately or shortly thereafter, and give you feedback as to what each of the individual attendees contributed to the decisions that were made.
Please don't think that by not attending this first conference you will be in some way letting either your dc or yourself down. I am cognisant of the fact that the overwhelming consenus here is that you should attend, but it appears that few are able to comprehend that to do so may cause you significant emotional harm.
You are in an extremely fragile state of mind and my concern is that a word, a look, or some turn of phrase from one of those present (as in those who, albeit temporarily, have dominion over you and your dc) will send you spiralling back to the dark place you have so recently emerged from.
Those accustomed to attending such meetings may have no conception of how daunting it can be to enter a room full of strangers, some/all of whom have made provisional judgements relating to your capability as a parent and, effectively, explain yourself to them in the hope that you can prevail on them to change any unfavourable opinion(s) they hold.
Even for those who are mentally robust, these meetings can be the equivalent of a trial by ordeal and more especially when any hopes of speedy resolution are met with the inflexibility of the bureaucratic mindset.
I make no apology for the length of this post as its intent should be clear for all to see. I know you are determined to 'stand on your own two feet', OP, but you need a strong arm by your side to safeguard you.
Needless to say, my invitation stands and you can call me at ANY hour of the day and night.