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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sexist or just banter? I need to suss out if my boundaries are wonky

100 replies

LibrarianLilly · 27/05/2015 19:57

I really need opinions please! I have been seeing someone for two months. I'll start off with the positives...he is very funny, affectionate, passionate, full of personality and most of the time we absolutely click and get on fantastically. My concerns are around his view of women. He has made quite a lot of comments towards women which I feel are pretty derogatory but I will admit that I'm touchy about gender issues and he says I'm pushing a 'gender agenda' into the conversation unnecessarily all the time. I want to know if I'm being hyper-sensitive or if people think I should steer clear. I know it's really hard to judge but some examples are - we were talking about people having cosmetic surgery and he said 'mind you some women do age badly'. I argued that you could say that about men and he felt it was more obvious in women. He said he prefers to play a sport with men because 'women scream if they get hit with the ball'; he said women tend to get neurotic as they get older and men tend to get lazy. Last night he said he enjoyed his friend joking with me (friend was bit pissed) about women being wimps and that he thought it was great because I was too polite to take issue with the friend (friend was just being jokey and I didn't take offense).

I told him last night that I think he can be quite sexist and he said I'm being ridiculous and that he's like that about all people - that it's not just a gender-based thing. He has got a piss-take sense of humour and of course it doesn't sound like it here, but he's very intelligent and does make observations about people a lot so it's not like he's only commenting about women. He does have quite a few female friends and gets on really well with women. I think I've made him sound worse than he is here - in all other ways we get on great and genuinely 'click' and it could be that these are my insecurities but I'm very interested to know if people feel like I need to lighten up or if this is a red flag.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 28/05/2015 18:44

Those posters saying they are cool with it, what other groups of people don't you mind being the subject of mindless, offensive prejudice? Do you enjoy the company of racists? Seek out the friendship of homophobic people?

Offred · 28/05/2015 18:55

I have a really evil sense of humour and would laugh at awful things but not if they are meant or if I wasn't absolutely sure the person saying them didn't man them.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 28/05/2015 19:08

Sexist.
And the fact that he doesn't seem to understand why makes him even more so.

StaceyAndTracey · 28/05/2015 19:14

Well done, you have worked out he's a areshole aftre only 2 months. You are smarter than me,it's taken me much longer

Now walk away before you waste any more of your life on him

OTheHugeManatee · 28/05/2015 19:21

Sounds like a sexist twat to me.

Gfplux · 28/05/2015 19:23

If it bothers you then end the relationship so that you both can move on.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 28/05/2015 20:28

I would be done at the time he spoke to you about being with another woman, whether fantasy, in the past, present, whatever. It is hugely hugely hugely disrespectful. He is setting the stage for you to do the "pick me" dance.

I also agree with previous posters who said he is grooming/testing you to see how much of this disrespect you will put up with. Of course he will minimize it, but don't let him talk you into minimizing your own feelings.

If you don't want to dump him, keep him for entertainment value, but don't let your heart get involved...which is using him as much as he is using you.

ImperialBlether · 29/05/2015 09:30

My concerns are around his view of black people. He has made quite a lot of comments about black people which I feel are pretty derogatory but I will admit that I'm touchy about race issues and he says I'm pushing an "anti-white agenda" into the conversation unnecessarily all the time. I want to know if I'm being hyper-sensitive or if people think I should steer clear. I know it's really hard to judge but some examples are - we were talking about people having cosmetic surgery and he said 'mind you some black people do age badly'. I argued that you could say that about white people and he felt it was more obvious in black people. He said he prefers to play a sport with white people because 'black people scream if they get hit with the ball'; he said black people tend to get neurotic as they get older and white people tend to get lazy. Last night he said he enjoyed his friend joking with me (friend was bit pissed) about black people being wimps and that he thought it was great because I was too polite to take issue with the friend (friend was just being jokey and I didn't take offense).

Did you read Vivacia's (excellent) post, OP?

thegreysheep · 29/05/2015 16:36

"Those posters saying they are cool with it, what other groups of people don't you mind being the subject of mindless, offensive prejudice? Do you enjoy the company of racists? Seek out the friendship of homophobic people?" Excellent point Vivacia and what other group of people would tolerate being told they have an agenda when calling out such remarks - a "race agenda", a "homophobic agenda"?

ClawofBumhead · 29/05/2015 18:56

Do you become quite serious and red-faced if he says these things? He could just be taking the piss for amusement.

Vivacia · 29/05/2015 19:27
Confused
StaceyAndTracey · 29/05/2015 21:17

No of course she shouldn't become serious when he makes racist remarks , she should laugh. Because racism is so amusing .

And if you call it " taking the piss " then it's even more funny

ClawofBumhead · 29/05/2015 21:56

It's just that some of it sounds like a man taking the mickey out of a po-faced person by saying more shocking or outrageous stuff.

I know if DP gets on a high horse about a topic it can be highly amusing to go full Frankie Boyle on the issue and watch them get more annoyed. Some of us just have a tatting sense of humour. :)

ClawofBumhead · 29/05/2015 21:57

Bah stupid autocomplete. *twattish sense of humour, not tatting

StaceyAndTracey · 29/05/2015 22:11

Yeah, the standard defence of every bigot , mysogenist, racist, homophobe , anti Semite

" you have no sense of humour "

There's people in jail tonight because of their religion or sexual orientation . hundreds have been murdered this year because of religious hatred or racism . Women and girls who are trafficked and abused.

Ha bloody ha

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 29/05/2015 22:36

Great post VivaciaStar. If ever I'm in doubt about whether a comment is sexist I substitute "women" for "black people". It's amazing how it becomes so much more obvious.

Offred · 29/05/2015 22:38

Yeah, some people are just disrespectful bullies... Hmm

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 22:40

It sounds most amusing chez bumhead

if somebody purposefully wound me up and enjoyed my resultant discomfort I would consider them neither a partner nor a friend

DollieDagger · 29/05/2015 22:50

Sorry OP, this guy sounds like a sexist dick. Bin him off and quit while you're ahead.

Claw, maybe you're not aware but zillions of bullies over time immemorial have employed the type of ~humour~ you're describing. And they're unpleasant dicks too.

ClawofBumhead · 29/05/2015 22:54

Oh wait, you mean you don't approve of a quote "twattish sense of humour"?Controversial.

DollieDagger · 29/05/2015 22:58

Approval has nothing to do with it. I just don't find ~being a twat~ that funny (probably because I'm not 14) Smile

Offred · 30/05/2015 06:49

People tend to find being a twat most 'funny' when the target of the twattery is someone they consider lesser than themselves or when they are trying to be cool and be liked by the person being a twat...

Overall thought the clue is in the name really... 'I'm a twat! Isn't that funny!' Response from the majority of people over the age of 14 will be 'errr... No, you're just a twat'...

sakura · 30/05/2015 07:16

Only comment I have to make is:
It's a myth that women age badly. We have more regenerative cells than men and better health in general because of our XX, which is the reason women live longer despite being poorer than men.
So an 80 year old woman may look like she's "aged badly" but her counterpart 80 year old man will probably be dead and therefore not looking very good at all.
Likewise a 60 year old woman may look like she's "aged badly" but a 60 year old man will be balding, frail and have a host of health problems.
40 year old men look okay but 40 year old women look about 10 years younger than those men. Men of this age still look good but women have so much energy. It seems to me that women's energy increases when they've been through the menopause. A friend and I were discussing how surprised we were that our mothers in law had so much more energy than us.

That's all I wanted to say.

Fadingmemory · 30/05/2015 07:21

I wouldn't want the anti women comments but he sounds like a bore and that is much worse in my view.

AlternativeTentacles · 30/05/2015 07:39

I know if DP gets on a high horse about a topic it can be highly amusing to go full Frankie Boyle on the issue and watch them get more annoyed.

That's nice.

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