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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sexist or just banter? I need to suss out if my boundaries are wonky

100 replies

LibrarianLilly · 27/05/2015 19:57

I really need opinions please! I have been seeing someone for two months. I'll start off with the positives...he is very funny, affectionate, passionate, full of personality and most of the time we absolutely click and get on fantastically. My concerns are around his view of women. He has made quite a lot of comments towards women which I feel are pretty derogatory but I will admit that I'm touchy about gender issues and he says I'm pushing a 'gender agenda' into the conversation unnecessarily all the time. I want to know if I'm being hyper-sensitive or if people think I should steer clear. I know it's really hard to judge but some examples are - we were talking about people having cosmetic surgery and he said 'mind you some women do age badly'. I argued that you could say that about men and he felt it was more obvious in women. He said he prefers to play a sport with men because 'women scream if they get hit with the ball'; he said women tend to get neurotic as they get older and men tend to get lazy. Last night he said he enjoyed his friend joking with me (friend was bit pissed) about women being wimps and that he thought it was great because I was too polite to take issue with the friend (friend was just being jokey and I didn't take offense).

I told him last night that I think he can be quite sexist and he said I'm being ridiculous and that he's like that about all people - that it's not just a gender-based thing. He has got a piss-take sense of humour and of course it doesn't sound like it here, but he's very intelligent and does make observations about people a lot so it's not like he's only commenting about women. He does have quite a few female friends and gets on really well with women. I think I've made him sound worse than he is here - in all other ways we get on great and genuinely 'click' and it could be that these are my insecurities but I'm very interested to know if people feel like I need to lighten up or if this is a red flag.

OP posts:
Offred · 27/05/2015 20:47

Who'd want to teach a grown man how to understand that the half of the population that they belong to are people too? Blah... Not appealing...

wallaby73 · 27/05/2015 20:48

As soon as the word "banter" is used.......you just know.

Twinklestein · 27/05/2015 20:48

There must be better sperm in the pool than this, surely.

eurochick · 27/05/2015 20:50

Next time he starts with the generalisations, substitute black for women. It's sad that sexism is so far behind racism but that might make him understand how unacceptable his stereotypes are.

MyRightFoot · 27/05/2015 20:51

he sounds like a young man with dubious views. i was similar when i was younger, but i was influenced by people who saw the good in me.
i dont think we should bail out of a relationship or friendship for that matter, if we can see the person is basically ok. life can be a great learning curve and we all should accept that maybe the other person has something to teach us.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2015 20:54

MRF, perhaps you should take him on as a Work In Process ?

I would hope that op has better things to do with her time

AnyFucker · 27/05/2015 20:55

Progress

AnyFucker · 27/05/2015 20:55

or is it Process ?

never mind, you get the gist

Offred · 27/05/2015 20:59

It's a fair point that but personally I kind of err on the side of feeling women aren't the keepers of men's morality and given that all adults are capable of being responsible for themselves and people should be equal in relationships I just wouldn't take on a parenting role in an adult relationship.

BeCool · 27/05/2015 21:06

constant judgements about other, sweeping generalisations based on gender (and race/nationality too?), sexist jibes all equals ignorance to me. very boring. he'd get right on my last nerve PDQ

MyRightFoot · 27/05/2015 21:10

offred i wouldnt suggest a parenting role and if this guy is age over 30 i would tell op to move on. sadly some people are raised by parents who pass on these views, as i was. im just glad that there were people who came into my life who showed me the way.

TurnipCake · 27/05/2015 21:12

It's like this two months in?

Nope. Not worth the hassle.

Offred · 27/05/2015 21:21

What are you suggesting then when you suggest women should teach men they are in a relationship with not to be sexist?

MyRightFoot · 27/05/2015 21:32

offred i said not a parenting role, i dont dispute that teaching or influencing someone in your life can be a positive thing for both people. if i had only friendships with people who shared my views i would have missed out on so much and wouldnt be who i am today. only op can decide if theres enough decency in this guy that she wants to take it further.

Offred · 27/05/2015 21:36

But friendships are an entirely different kettle of fish surely. We are also not talking about individual differences but someone having a relationship with a person who is a gender they either consider to be, talk about as or treat as less than them and that that partner should be generous enough to teach them the error of their ways...

I enjoy teaching my children.

I enjoy mutual learning in equal relationships but in a relationship where one partner is educating or re-educating the other that is taking on a parenting role.

MyRightFoot · 27/05/2015 21:45

offred i didnt just mean friendship, i have had an ex boyfriend teach me about gender equality because i had been raised with skewed ideas. i am grateful for that and have no problem with saying he taught me. not all of us are fully formed at a certain age, not all of us grow up with good role models. likewise i taught the same ex how to eat properly, he didnt have a clue about food, diet was disgusting and to this day he thanks me for that.

sexndrugsnsausagerolls · 27/05/2015 21:54

From what you've written, I think he has come up with some dubious comments. But I am going to disagree with pps as I don't think he sounds intrinsically bad. I have made some Ill informed comments in my time,I hope I would not be wholly judged on them. Talk to him about how you feel. See what he says, then decide.

Offred · 27/05/2015 21:58

Ok but it isn't a healthy dynamic for a relationship is it?

sexndrugsnsausagerolls · 27/05/2015 22:05

Offred - I don't think I agree with you about the parenting role. I think I learn from people I meet all the time, I have my ideas challenged, I find new ways of looking at things. I don't get it right a lot of the time. Maybe OP's DP is learning too. Maybe not. How can we tell?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/05/2015 22:06

Of course he's a sexist! You need to ask?

Offred · 27/05/2015 22:54

It isn't about learning from people it is about you suggesting op should teach her bf how to not be sexist. Of course people learn from people all their lives. I'm just saying taking on teaching your partner how to behave and what to believe isn't a healthy relationship dynamic.

AlternativeTentacles · 27/05/2015 23:00

The best way to teach men not to be sexist is not to have anything to do with sexist men. Ive never heard 'gender agenda' before and just that alone would make me walk away.

Id be more than a little worried that i was getting on so well with someone so prejudiced against the female sex.

Boomerwang · 27/05/2015 23:05

In private does he treat you the way you'd expect a sexist to treat you? I had a boyfriend who would laugh and agree with others and their sexist comments, but didn't make them himself. He treated me like a princess and made me feel amazing every day, but in public he'd be a 'bit of a lad' shall we say.

If he makes too much effort to 'be the man' and insist on you 'being the woman' in private then I'd guess he's been indoctrinated and if you're not into missionary subservience then you have a decision to make.

sexndrugsnsausagerolls · 27/05/2015 23:52

At no point have I suggested op should teach her bf how to not be sexist, as I am sure you are aware.

MyRightFoot · 28/05/2015 00:02

i see it more as op pulling him up on these comments as he says them and having a rational conversation about it. ie, instead of complaining 'thats sexist', ask him why he thinks its acceptable to say that. its not accepting his 'im only joking' defence but pointing out he is insulting 50 per cent of the worlds population. maybebuy him some feminist books to read. if hes basically a good guy he will embrace it. if hes a sexist pig he will dump op sharpish.

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