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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have you ever gone on strike at home? I intend to and need tips to keep me on track

53 replies

voluptuagoodshag · 27/05/2015 14:16

That's about it really. I don't mind being a SAHP, I even enjoy aspects of it but keeping all the plates spinning without so much as a please or thank you (and yes I do point this out) is taking it's toll. I can almost expect it from the kids but everyone including DH makes me feel like a total dogsbody. I speak out about it, I'm assertive and it all goes pear shaped. So I'm on strike. No dinner in this house tonight. No housework. If anyone is anything less than pleasant to me I'm going to take myself into another room without saying a word. Don't know how long I can keep this up for but I need to make a stand. Has anyone ever done this and how did it go?

OP posts:
GammonAndEgg · 27/05/2015 14:24

No tips, I'm afraid. What is it that's pushed you to this edge?

BadgersArse · 27/05/2015 14:25

I am not sure this is a good way to tackle it.
Have you talked about what you do and what H does?
What you expect the kids to have done?

Or just say fuck it and get a real paying job? Grin

SurlyCue · 27/05/2015 14:30

My mum stayed in bed for 3 days once. Grin not sure if it had any impact. I dont remember anything changing.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/05/2015 14:32

There was no point at all me going on strike as XH really didn't give a shit whether any housework got done or not. (And as he was the one at home a lot more, "not" tended to be the default.) What you need to watch out for is the situation where your going on strike impacts more on you more than them. Will they really care if you don't cook or wash up? Will they just order in pizza and leave the boxes piled up on the sideboard? sort of thing. You may find you need to be a bit cunning.

May09Bump · 27/05/2015 14:34

Yep - absolutely no impact. Found booking myself some time away - just a hotel in the nearest big city / town - where I could sleep, read and shop on my own, worked much better. They realized how much I did, I didn't organise anything for them for that weekend - just left them to it.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/05/2015 14:35

ach, too many "mores" in that sentence, you know what I mean anyway.

PoppyBlossom · 27/05/2015 14:43

What's your goal? I can see them ordering takeaways and thinking they've had brilliant fun. What's the core of the lack of respect? That they don't believe you work hard/do very much? That its taken for granted that it's your role? That its your only/primary contribution? Ultimately I see a strike of this nature hurting you more than the rest of the family.

sproutsmum · 27/05/2015 14:57

I find that changing the wifi password and holding it hostage for ransom ( laundry , dishes , hoovering etc ) to be effective , that and the lead for the x box , chargers for ipads and laptops and also also lifts to activites , the shops etc can be pretty motivating for the kids , the hubby meh not so much.
If talking about the issue with my pouty man child didn't help, explaining that i will be leaving with my pre -packed bag, bottle of wine box of chocs and a good book for a week helped ( but then i was very calm and quiet when i did this and he knows that means i really have reached the end of my rope).
Beacuse I am evil when p*ssed off, I did it on a school night explaining that he was also their parent and would be needing to arrange childcare for the next day so he could work or take the day off.
I also left a massive list of stuff that needs doing including dirty uniforms and P.E. kits and and no food in the fridge so he had to go shopping too.
I then walked off with my stuff and car keys and turned off my phone for a good while. I made it uncomfortable enough for everyone without my help that they appreciated what I actually did for them. I didn't actually need to stay away , but I was willing to do so.
He got the point and we talked about it, now when I am frazzled and ask for help people get the hint that they haven't been pulling their weight.
But then , i'm a stroppy moo!

Original poster
voluptuagoodshag · 27/05/2015 16:20

Hmmm so a strike isn't a good option then.

What pushed me to the edge was feeling like no-one actually had my back. Like I said, kids I can expect but I've repeatedly had this conversation with DH. I'm not a shirker and I can actually keep on top of things but it's the sheer lack of basic pleasantness. I've also been struggling with ill health recently, nothing major but how nice would it be for someone just to do something nice for me for a change.
There has been a build up in the last few weeks: some examples include me working in garden along with DH, he goes indoors asking if I'd like a spot of lunch. Perfect I say. Then half an hour later I'm wondering if it's ready, I go in and he is sat on the sofa having made his own.
I knew he'd be home at an odd time last night so texted him to give me somenotice and I'd ??sort him something to eat. When he got home (I had 10 mins notice btw), it was almost ready but he blustered around the kitchen in a mood. I had given DS an instruction to put something away he'd left in his wake which DH then told him to leave so I had to go and repeat all of that. I took something of DHs to shop for repair, not a word of thanks. He'll point out what I haven't done rather than be thankful for what I have. DD a hormonal nightmare so am trying to deal with that with no helpful input from him.

So rather than strike perhaps then I'll just not make his dinner, feed the kids (age 10/11) and then sod off. Actually he's mentioned that he's built up a fair bit of time off so I'll tell him how to put it to good use and I'm going on holiday.

OP posts:
ChickenLaVidaLoca · 27/05/2015 16:27

He sounds obnoxious.

expatinscotland · 27/05/2015 16:27

'Like I said, kids I can expect'

At 10 or 11? You are just perpetuating the cycle by skivvying for them. They have chores to do and if they don't get done then they lose privileges.

Stop skivvying for your husband. When he asks why, tell him it's because he doesn't give a shit.

Iflyaway · 27/05/2015 16:33

He made lunch just for himself after asking if you want some?

Shock
WanderingAboutRandomly · 27/05/2015 16:35

It sounds like your DH has been an arse but I wonder how much you thank him for working. Is it possible he thinks you take him for granted as much as you think he takes you for granted.

Im a SAHM and I have had times where it all seems a bit relentless but I would never have liked to swap with my DH and have to go to work instead.

Littlemonstersrule · 27/05/2015 16:41

What if he also decides to go on strike by not handing over his wages that pay for everything?

With that age children, there's no need to be home during the day and you don't mention he begrudges you not working. You could return to work and split the household tasks but if you choose not to work then doing the cooking and housework isn't too much to ask really.

mix56 · 27/05/2015 16:47

I know exactly what you are saying. but agree striking is only going to mean that they do nothing for days, then you come home to bedlum & its even worse.
But I do go silent, & they all know that its the calm before the storm.
OH is actually the messiest pig in our house, so he doesn't notice if I down tools.
However if I just go silent, zero reply to their demands for various items. help with lists, so no loo paper, no clean clothes for him.

example of silent treatment:
Child: I need a new red biro for tomorrow"
Me: "No"
"But I need it",
"ho hum" shrug
"Whats for supper"
"no idea"
"where are my trainers ?"
"where you left them".

I supply minimum food, do not serve it up. & take mine a start eating...
If anyone kicks off I leave the room
BY GOD IT IRKS THEM !!!!
sooner or later one of them asks when I will stop sulking.
"not sulking, helping myself instead of you thankless leeches".
attitudes change for a while .........

mix56 · 27/05/2015 16:48

not sure where "help with lists" came from..... skip it !

mix56 · 27/05/2015 16:56

It is nothing to do with being SAHM. its being noticed as a living thinking being, & not an appendage.
It would seem that it is sadly the father's role model that screwed it up with my children for a long time. (If he helped, said thank you, nice dinner etc, the kids would too.)
It has however improved a lot now they are old enough to leave home !

WanderingAboutRandomly · 27/05/2015 17:07

Mix I found the levels of appreciation shot up again when my older DC actually left home Smile. Whenever they come home they are falling over themselves to thank me if I cook them a nice meal. They really appreciate it at last

Fudgeface123 · 27/05/2015 17:10

littlemonsters, he gets time off...when does OP get any?

Littlemonstersrule · 27/05/2015 17:24

Given during term time the children are out of the house for at least six hours five days a week unless the OP lives in a mansion or a farm then that's plenty of down time. Normal housework doesn't take hours every day.

Kept on top of in the morning, then there's only an evening meal to be done at night and any packed lunches.

Jan45 · 27/05/2015 17:42

Thank him for going to work - what??? They are his children, would he rather fork out half his wages on nurseries.

It must be severe if you are thinking of going on strike, you sound like a slave to him and your children, you either sit down with them all and attach chores to each of them or suck it up.

Jan45 · 27/05/2015 17:44

he goes indoors asking if I'd like a spot of lunch. Perfect I say. Then half an hour later I'm wondering if it's ready, I go in and he is sat on the sofa having made his own.

Oh My God - just read this, I would have hoped he bloody choked on it, unbelievable.

Vivacia · 27/05/2015 17:50

In this house, if you are in the house (i.e. not at work or school) then you are equally responsible for chores). I can see that this wouldn't work if whoever was at home was sat on their arse all day whilst others were at school or work. But we love and respect each other and so that isn't a problem.

So, whilst he's at work, do all of the house work, have a nice meal prepared and made etc. Once he and the children are at home the dish-washing gets shared.

Meerka · 27/05/2015 17:53

Maybe the OP does appreciate her husband working and bringing home the wages.

It's entirely reasonable to expect appreciation from him in return

It's also time to get your children to do their chores and look after themselves a bit too. Otherwise they'll grow up as unappreciative as your husband.

ChucksAhoy · 27/05/2015 18:00

My DM did this! She gots sick of being treated like a dogsbody and stopped washing my DFs clothes, cooking his dinner and doing the weekly shop. It took a while for him to come round but he does a lot more around the house now. Does still expect to get congratulated for any small task though Hmm