Men put me on a pedestal and then emotionally withdraw/disappear

[LePamplemousse]

So this is the pattern I've worked out, and it's a pattern that's happened in almost all my relationships:

1. Meet man, date man, man seems lovely, after a while sleep with man
2. Man treats me like a princess (not that I like that term)
3. After sleeping with man/developing relationship with him, he continues to constantly go on about how lovely I am/try to do things for. At some point, man flips from being totally into me to going cold/distant and withdrawing to the point where I break things off, or he does, or he cheats on me.

This doesn't happen immediately after first time sex, which I'd understand a bit more, but after we have developed the beginnings of a relationship.

As far as I know, I am not clingy/needy/scary or doing anything that should put someone off.
So what am I doing wrong?! Can someone help me figure it out.... Really fed up with my dating track record.

Or not depending on if your view people's individual perspectives as being important or not - which we clearly do with it being a forum n that

tiptoes into thread now descended into uncontrollable giggling at the inept and illogical Lying.

OP... I expect you're too polite to say but don't read that article, honest. I would report myself but I don't want MNHQ to know beyond all reasonable doubt that I was having a Stepford-moment-that-ran-on-a-bit... sorry! ??? rinse and repeat...

ahem

... You sounded just like OliviaMumsnet then, AF, uncanny it was...

Bloody hell Bubblegum, why would you put up with being treated that shoddily?

Ehric - boys apparently do tend to fare worse in terms of emotional development than girls from their mother's (or primary carer's) lack of responsiveness. Been studying this recently. The research was from the 90s, so maybe something more recent shows that this isn't the case...

Anyway, back to the OP. I think it's just a case of wrong men, too. Maybe this initial playing it cool followed by the "real you" isn't helping, but a lot of us are naturally "cooler" whilst getting to know somebody.

People bring a lot of baggage to potential relationships; for some people (possibly more often men, as they are traditionally the 'pursuers', but not necessarily), chasing is more gratifying than the destination. It's either because they are immature and need novelty, or because they are stuck in a teenage ego phase (still immature too) and are looking for hard-won validation. Once they've broken you down, they've had their fix. You are right that it's not about sex, but about emotional acceptance. In the same way we remember glowing with pride when a particularly obnoxious teacher seemed pleased with us, for lots of people it just seems to count more when that acceptance wasn't easily come by. But fundamentally, all this boils down to is that you are dating insecure boys.

Keep looking.

I see the same dynamic on here, actually. People get fangirl crushes on the most spiky and unpleasant posters, because they rate the odd pleasant interaction with them as somehow more valuable than being treated warmly by somebody who is generally easygoing. The hard-won prize is more esteemed. But genuine friendships and relationships are formed here between people who actually get along, because it happens when they see the real person rather than chase the status of joining a perceived Cool Gang. Does that make sense?

If the men are in their late twenties, it might still be too early for them to settle down and so they got cold feet. Were their friends' starting to get married? That is usually the impetus to couple up.

I think there are lots and lots of single men out there who are players and love their freedom too much. It is also a hallmark of the dating sites!

Personally I doubt I would want to live with a man full time again as I enjoy the independence and space I get from having learned to survive as a single parent. I feel proud of having learned to break away from depending upon a man to provide me happiness and have developed myself into a better more well rounded less needy person.

It would just be nice to have one who loved me and respected my need for space and autonomy without him feeling threatened or unappreciated. A man who helped with gardening and DIY and somebody to go on holiday with. A part-time role model for my 10 year old boy. Somebody to go out on a date with and feel attractive and wanted and special.

Other than that relationships are often a lot of compromise and hard work in my experience......!

You are with the wrong men and when you meet the right one there will be NO game playing EVER.

If you meet the right one they probably will talk about marriage and kids straight away. It is only natural. That is not a red flag in itself.

I just think that Lyin's article was sexist. We wouldn't like to see something like that generalising about women.

However it certainly holds some universal truths and I'm going to read it again.

I am guilty of expecting my partner to share his emotions because I'm sharing mine, and it just leads to disaster.

I know nothing about online dating , because I'm so old

So this might be bollocks

But when I read your OP,I thought

These men are just saying what they think the Op wants, so they can get her into bed. They never meant a word of it and they are still seeing other women or at least looking.

Then they get bored and move on.not because the Op is boring, but because they never wanted monogamy in the first place .

StaceyandTracey, I see why you think that but I don't think that is always the case, although it will be at times.
I met someone lovely who was a very genuine person but I feel what happened was it wasn't the right time for him, we got on really well and both felt like we'd met someone that was right for us but unfortunately he wanted to go travelling for a few years before he settled down with a family so it ended at the 3-4 month mark as these relationships do.

It's annoying because he was four years older than me but I am more mature and settled, I'd probably have to meet someone ten years my senior to have a chance of settling down!

There's no right or wrong formula - you'll either find something real or sustrainable with someone or you won't. I think in these days of texting all the time etc the whole thing is magnified by all the perceived contact you've had with this person - it is no way indicates longevity until you get to the bounce and find out if your compatible long term which we as women I think are guilty of making that decision unilaterally in our head sometimes so it's a surprise when a guy follows his gut and ends it.

CuttedUpPear... You're right, it is, it's a TERRIBLE article. It's honestly not mine , it was mis-posting at its absolute worst; serendipity in reverse, if you will. At the exact time I saw OP's thread, that article popped into my inbox, it dodged my spam filter... instead of relegating it straight to the bin, I posted it... here....

I swear I've learned my lesson... :(

I'm giggling (in a fond way) at your "Stepford moment" comment, Lying. I've seen you on lots of threads, and it did sort of occur to me at the time that it didn't really seem like the sort of thing you'd post!

I think that this pattern of initial intensity then going off you is really common especially in internet dating. I have listened to more than a few tears over the years from my friend who used to meet guys, it would all move fast, they'd be sleeping together, having fun, it would all be going well, then there'd be a time when they went off her, or had a 'talk' about taking things slowly, or about seeing more than one person and every time she would think it was her- but to a large extent, I think it was them. The internet seems to be populated by lots of Peter Pan types between 28-40's who are just going from woman to woman repeating this pattern- and would rather have another roll of the dice with another online date than actually settle for the lovely person they've already found.

My advice to her was: look for actions not words (words being cheap). Also get and read 'he's just not that into you' because actually, when she told me about the guys, often their behaviour was anything but loving- cancelling dates, too busy at work, having more than one partner at once, hung up on ex - they had been giving her subtle signals that they weren't that into her or into a long-term relationship, but she just chose to hear the sex and closeness and 'hints' about wanting to settle down as actual intentions towards her (which they weren't). Once she'd read 'He's just not that into you' she started to see the late/busy/hot cold guys for what they were and not the start of an amazing romance, this freed her up to find a nice genuine consistent guy- and settle down.

I think parents do tend to genderise their children from babyhood actually and this does impact on the caregiving they receive. People decide that boy babies are more robust and tough, even in infancy when their needs are identical to girls. Once they reach toddlerhood they are more likely to receive parental acceptance if they are stoic and 'masculine' rather than 'girly'. This is the kind of conditional parenting that leads to avoidant attachment behaviour in adults. Whereas girls are 'cute', 'mummy's girl' 'best friend ' etc which can spill over into being confidante and emotional crutch for the mum. Or 'spousification' for daughters and fathers. This is more likely to lead to anxious/ambivalent attachment.

I honestly don't think all these men are game playing shaggers. I think it's far more likely to be an emotional dysfunction issue.

But the Internet and modern dating norms do validate this type of relationship pattern and you are more likely to find this kind of man online, hopping from woman to woman.

So many responses that I won't reply to them all, but this has been extremely helpful, thank you. Self esteem feels restored today and ready to face the world again. Feel much better and nice to hear it's not just my fault, although I still think there are a few things I will do differently next time. Thanks everyone.

Thoughts:

1. You are somehow picking up liars/fantasists, lunatics or men who are cynically after something and off once they get it

1. Something about you is not apparent but becomes apparent later, or starts to grate, like:

• annoying
• clingy
• smelly
• seem properly scary or stalkerish
• off-putting personal history
• a bit racist
• obsessed with some dreadful music or tv that cannot be escaped
• are one of those snipey women who puts a man down lots (I think most young guys would rather be fed feet first into a tree pulper than become the old guy who settled down with such a person)
• pseudo-intellectual idiot
• have a previously undisclosed career as a professional table dancer or kitten stomper
• withdraw emotionally or sexually after a bit when you become comfortable
• have a horrible laugh
• pisshead
• dreadful personal habits
• sleep talk terrifyingly loud obscenities in a man's voice like the girl from the exorcist (you may laugh, this happened to me once with a girl I met at a club - cue me running down the road at 3am getting dressed as I went)

My bet would be on 1 to be honest, the pattern seems to well established.

*Thoughts, it's probably one of:

**seems to be well established