Men put me on a pedestal and then emotionally withdraw/disappear

[LePamplemousse]

So this is the pattern I've worked out, and it's a pattern that's happened in almost all my relationships:

1. Meet man, date man, man seems lovely, after a while sleep with man
2. Man treats me like a princess (not that I like that term)
3. After sleeping with man/developing relationship with him, he continues to constantly go on about how lovely I am/try to do things for. At some point, man flips from being totally into me to going cold/distant and withdrawing to the point where I break things off, or he does, or he cheats on me.

This doesn't happen immediately after first time sex, which I'd understand a bit more, but after we have developed the beginnings of a relationship.

As far as I know, I am not clingy/needy/scary or doing anything that should put someone off.
So what am I doing wrong?! Can someone help me figure it out.... Really fed up with my dating track record.

I completely relate to this OP.

I date men, albeit cautiously to begin with, I build trust and they are just lovely and great and treat my amazingly. So I let them in a little bit more and they continue to be lovely and give me no reason why this can't be a serious thing. It starts getting serious and I wonder if it's freaking them out but then they start talking about moving in and kids and marriage etc in the future. Then just when I think I can't have found anyone more perfect BAM! They suddenly, without warning, become cold, distant, they show me no affection and spend more and more time away from me until eventually they disappear altogether.

I don't have a fear of being on my own, I actually quite like being on my own. I've always enjoyed my own company. But there will always be a side of all of us that wants to love and be loved. It's just human nature and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I know it's hard, but try and keep the faith. At present, I have no faith in men or relationships because I experience exactly what you do and am doing at the minute with my current partner. I hope you have a bit more luck in the future :)

Craving intimacy but trying to hide that aspect of yourself: you and (the younger) me both, Pamplemousse.

Two pieces of advice - stop checking their facebook pages, and stop trying to be cool about wanting emotional attachment when you're not cool. There is no quicker recipe for disaster (in my experience) than falling for a guy hook line and sinker but trying to pretend you're comfortable with something casual.

Be honest about yourself, your feelings and your needs. You'll scare off the twats faster (so less time wasted on your part) and when you meet a guy who can meet your needs, he'll be there because he wants you as you are.

Thank you very much for your post Bubblegum, what you describe is really helpful because it's EXACTLY what happens to me, again and again. This time feels harder as I really liked him, he introduced me to all his friends, told his parents about me etc and really did indicate he was really into me. But hey ho.
And Lurcio, I think you're so right about maybe being a bit more honest, a bit earlier on. Really helpful advice - thank you.

You're welcome. I've been with my current partner for almost two years. I've met his family, been away with them even, he's met my family and is quite close with them, I've become friends with his brothers and their girlfriends... I've known him for about 4 years and we were quite good friends for a while. It was a kind of "vetting him out first" thing I tried. Our relationship has been amazing, we have so much in common, we were the best of friends, had so much fun together and were still very much in love, always doing nice little things for each other, to be honest it was perfect. Then a month or so ago he just changed suddenly, no explanation. Now there's no affection, no passion, no intimacy, he spends as much time away from here as possible and when he's away he makes no effort to call or text me. It's at this point I'm starting to wonder what is wrong with me that makes guys want to be with me one day and then not be bothered about me the next :( I totally feel your pain

I agree with Offred.
Nothing wrong with you, except perhaps you might be looking for men in the wrong place.

• politeness, yes...Treating you like a princess ... no. That's fake and unsustainable.

• they often drop BIG hints about wanting to settle down/marriage/kids

...That's not a good sign at all, it's moving too far too fast. Genuine, sincere partners take their time about big commitments (there are lucky exceptions, but that's what they are - exceptions).

• Going on about how lovely you are... that's clingy and needy behaviour from THEM. Again, not that healthy. Say nice things, but don't go on and on.

These guys sound as if they like the idea of you. Not you, yourself. Hence you are put on a pedestal, and then dropped when a better idea comes along.

Men like this are best avoided at all costs.

I think you're dating men who are using the net for sexual partners rather than actively seeking a ltr. They're not old enough to be looking to get married, and I'd imagine the net is a very handy way of trawling for fish.

I would go for men over 30.

That's interesting trackr- you must be right but I really hadn't seen it that way at ALL. And that's really interesting about him liking the idea of me- this weekend, I was much more myself around him, sharing my opinions in a group (not in a really loud way, but just giving a small viewpoint on things like breastfeeding and the election) and making his friends laugh on another occasion, and at both these times he was completely silent and not that into it. So maybe my real personality was something he just didn't like.

Bubblegum I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, it's hard after a few months even, after years it must be awful.

Agree there is no 'way a man works'. There are ways some men behave that they have in common because they share a fundamental belief system like sexism for example...

I agree in the main with trackr but not her conclusion. I don't think it's so much that they like the idea of you but not you yourself, but simply that they're looking for short term affairs. However nice you are is irrelevant, because they're not going to give you more than 3 months, because they're not looking for a relationship.

I really don't think it's as calculated as that they don't invest because they were never looking for a long term relationship. I think men in general are looking for emotional connection as much as women but for some reason op has a pattern of attracting men who can't actually make that real connection. I do believe that the 'commitment phobic' or 'avoidant attachment style' or whatever you want to call it person is very common and more common among men than women. In my work I almost always see women with the anxious attachments and men with the avoidant. I wonder whether some parents are more likely to ignore a boy's emotional needs than a girl's or are more likely to become emotionally dependent on daughters. There must be a gendered element to why male dysfunction tends to differ from female.

My partner is an identical twin. Both brought up in exactly the same way. I often find it strange that they are, when it comes to relationships, so different. His brother, although still fairly immature for his age, has been with his girlfriend for 4 years. They are still very much in love, he posts photos of them doing stuff together, spending quality time together, he talks about how she's his soulmate and his favourite person and they spend all the time they can together. He is totally committed to her and they're desperate to buy a house together and are saving up money for a deposit.

Then there's my partner. Who was a bit like his brother to start off with. But now, I get nothing from him. He avoids me as much as possible, when he is here he gives me no affection, if you didn't know us and saw us walking down the street you'd think we were just mates or maybe that we actually didn't know each other at all. I tag him in photos of us together and he doesn't accept them. He wouldn't dream of going onto social media and saying nice things about me. I have a house yet he makes every excuse under the sun not to move in. And despite me giving him an out by saying if he's not happy then he should just leave, to which he said he doesn't want to be without me, he gives no indication to me or anyone else that he is actually in a long term relationship with me.

It does make me wonder how one can hold down a loving, committed relationship and the other has no concept of how to do so when they are literally identical twins with identical upbringings having had identical life experiences.

Insult my post all you like, I only wrote the couple of lines at the beginning and the end - everything in between these ==== is not my work at all and I'm happy about that, I didn't even type it - copied and pasted it en bloc.

I posted it because it was in my inbox and I'd seen OP's post. Pick it apart all you want, honest. I agree with Lurcio, if you have to do this much thinking and analysing, it's not worth it.

lying I am actually going to defend your post and can say from personal experience giving a man space is a very very good thing. It requires no psychoanalysing at all in fact quite the opposite. Its about having the self esteem and 'courage' for want of a better word to trust that you are worthy enough for the love of that man that you can be apart from him and know that he's coming back and your relationship isn't threatened - much the same way as you can spend time apart from your mates without fretting that their feelings about your friendship will somehow change/diminish if you're out of touch for a few days!! It doesn't make sense. relaxing about the relationship actually gives it firmer foundations (as long as the foundations are in place of course).

www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/when-a-guy-withdraws/ same author I think. Of course the RIGHT man will not do this, but then not every man is going to be right man, is he?

If all some men want is a fling then they can just be honest about it surely. After all not all women want a permanent monogamous relationship.

Hmmm Could it be.....

a. they are getting off on the fact that the woman they are seeing wants the whole package from them which feeds their ego.

b. they have deeply ingrained misogynistic beliefs that a woman doesnt/shouldnt like sex if its not in the context of a serious relationship .

I tend to give men like this loads of space....

I don't see why it should be hard or why so much thought should be put into trying to retain (especially) a new relationship but really any relationship at all...

If you're doing all this you're basically trying very hard to make something that is wrong fit.

If someone blows hot and cold that's not acceptable. No psychoanalysing required, just move on, either alone or back to dating.

quit the Internet dating

they all seem much of a likeness to me

lying I thought you must have posted that as a joke

I was trying to be helpful, AF :(

I don't know why he keeps getting into my inbox, I usually direct him to spam or delete him with absolute relish but, I saw OP's post, and lo, he popped into my inbox with this utter tripe helpful thing. I did Ctrl-A too quickly to stop myself and spammed helpfully posted it here and caused brain freeze/fog for everybody. I'm sorry.

lying have some conviction!! there's nowt wrong with what you posted. Trying to see things from a man's perspective isn't illegal (not even on MN - yet! )

that's not a "man's perspective"

No it's not illegal but there's trying to see things from another person's perspective and then there's having the weird belief that men are one homogenous lump who have A way of thinking...

People are individuals. Being a man is a state it isn't a belief and it's holding to a particular belief that causes similarities in thinking not states of being. You can't lump all men together (or all women) it's insulting as well as silly.

Lying -

It's THAT man's perspective anyfucker

And as offred just rightly pointed out he's an individual - so his perspective is as valid as the next persons.