Please help- husbands hygiene and habits

[LadyLampShade]

Hello all, I'm here looking for helpful advice to deal with my husbands longstanding neglect of his health and personal hygiene. Sorry, it's quite a long one! I'm 27 and he's 31.
Yes I have been aware of his lacklustre routine and knew what he was like before marriage, but I am now at my wits end. We have been together 9 years, married for 3, have just bought our first house and are planning a baby. The emotional side of our relationship is great and our daily lives together are just what we want, but...
He very rarely brushes his teeth (3-4 times a week) and only believes he needs to shower/bathe every other day (bear in mind he cycles to work and spends one night a week in a sweat box music studio) he is lax with his hand washing regime and doesn't make deodorant his best friend. The bottom line is he is lazy, and just can't be bothered with the effort. I struggle to understand why he can't take 10 minutes in the morning to brush teeth and use deo as a bare minimum before heading out the door.
On the mornings he does get up to shower, he makes sure he gets up at a time so that he can return to bed for 20 mins before getting up 5 minutes before he needs to leave, claiming he doesn't have time to brush his teeth or use deo. Drives me completely mental. 2 years ago it cost us £300 in dental bills, and he seems happy with the fact his teeth will probably just fall out of his head one day. We have talked about this MANY times and I've tried various approaches. I asked him to understand what it might be like for his work colleagues to sit next to him after he has cycled 5 miles in his shirt without deo, ive told him I'm worried about his dental health and my personal health when he doesn't hand wash, and also it pleasent to kiss him when he hasn't looked after his teeth for a few days. He also can't bear to throw away his clothes/shoes until the physically fall apart!

I love him very much, he looks after me and understands my sometimes over emotional state! We enjoy creating our home together, cooking together, going on holidays and recently started exercising together. He makes me laugh, feel loved and always has time for me. He is much loved by friends and family, my family love him and I have a great relationship with his parents.

What can I do to help and encourage him to improve this area? It's starting to eat away at me and create tension. He's recently told me to stop 'telling me what to do, you make me feel like a child' and Ive stopped the reminders, so he's stopped the hygiene! Help!

[damnstatistics]

Oh no!
My OH's personal hygiene is pretty poor and I hardly ever mention it to him.
I am talking - infrequent showers, changes underwear about twice a week, wears shirt for 4 days, trousers with stains on, bites nails constantly - and worst of all he smokes and really does stink of smoke a lot of the time.
It is not funny - and I do not get close these days.
Am I neglecting him by failing to mention it and draw his attention to it? I am sure other people notice.
Now I am wondering if I am being passive-aggressive by refusing to 'be mum' and tell him to put on a clean shirt.
Why does he do this? I know his upbringing would have taught him about regular hygiene.
Could it be depression / low mood linked with not going out very much?

[Gabilan]

"Could it be depression / low mood linked with not going out very much?"

Could be although sometimes, as mentioned upthread, it can be difficult to tell what's depression and what's being a lazy arse (and I speak as someone with depression). I don't think you're in the wrong but if it's preventing you from getting close, I think bite the bullet and talk to him about why he's not washing more often.

[BertrandRussell]

"Now I am wondering if I am being passive-aggressive by refusing to 'be mum' and tell him to put on a clean shirt"

It's not being mum to say "this is disgusting- shape up or leave"

[Sallystyle]

OP, I do not shower every day and sometimes I only brush my teeth once a day. I am nearly 34 and have never had a filling. My husband would tell me if I smell and so would my children.

If I was to exercise then yes, I would probably need a shower but if I am not being active I can go every other day.

I have a son who is on the spectrum and he hates washing. He is 14 and it is a daily struggle to get him to clean his teeth and wash and he doesn't care if he smells at all and he would happily sleep in his clothes and wear them the next day. When he hasn't got us there nagging him I don't know how bad he would let his hygiene become. It worries me.

I hope you manage to work it out OP. I don't think he is vile or anything, and in general I think we are far too obsessive with hygiene, but if he is smelling of BO the day he isn't showering then that is just unpleasant.

Good luck to you

[TheBug]

Didn't read the whole thread so apols if this has been said, but bear in mind that the things that piss you off in a partner before you have children, really piss you off when you do.