Please help- husbands hygiene and habits

[LadyLampShade]

Hello all, I'm here looking for helpful advice to deal with my husbands longstanding neglect of his health and personal hygiene. Sorry, it's quite a long one! I'm 27 and he's 31.
Yes I have been aware of his lacklustre routine and knew what he was like before marriage, but I am now at my wits end. We have been together 9 years, married for 3, have just bought our first house and are planning a baby. The emotional side of our relationship is great and our daily lives together are just what we want, but...
He very rarely brushes his teeth (3-4 times a week) and only believes he needs to shower/bathe every other day (bear in mind he cycles to work and spends one night a week in a sweat box music studio) he is lax with his hand washing regime and doesn't make deodorant his best friend. The bottom line is he is lazy, and just can't be bothered with the effort. I struggle to understand why he can't take 10 minutes in the morning to brush teeth and use deo as a bare minimum before heading out the door.
On the mornings he does get up to shower, he makes sure he gets up at a time so that he can return to bed for 20 mins before getting up 5 minutes before he needs to leave, claiming he doesn't have time to brush his teeth or use deo. Drives me completely mental. 2 years ago it cost us £300 in dental bills, and he seems happy with the fact his teeth will probably just fall out of his head one day. We have talked about this MANY times and I've tried various approaches. I asked him to understand what it might be like for his work colleagues to sit next to him after he has cycled 5 miles in his shirt without deo, ive told him I'm worried about his dental health and my personal health when he doesn't hand wash, and also it pleasent to kiss him when he hasn't looked after his teeth for a few days. He also can't bear to throw away his clothes/shoes until the physically fall apart!

I love him very much, he looks after me and understands my sometimes over emotional state! We enjoy creating our home together, cooking together, going on holidays and recently started exercising together. He makes me laugh, feel loved and always has time for me. He is much loved by friends and family, my family love him and I have a great relationship with his parents.

What can I do to help and encourage him to improve this area? It's starting to eat away at me and create tension. He's recently told me to stop 'telling me what to do, you make me feel like a child' and Ive stopped the reminders, so he's stopped the hygiene! Help!

[expatinscotland]

'( I do decide the majority of things, book holidays, do the shop, help him to decide what to cook for dinner etc. I've talked to him about being more proactive in these areas but he says'you're better at than I am/I don't know how to do that/I can't see the mess or washing up like you' gah :-('

You are well on your way to becoming one of the thousands of posters on here who go on to have children with people like this and then find themselves at the ends of their tethers after doing all the lifework for an entire family for years and years and years.

This person is lazy.

If you are happy with a lazy person who will contribute sperm and some money, while you carry the entire family in every other way, then go for it, but don't delude yourself it will be anything other than you as a lone parent with a glorified sperm donor/babysitter.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

violet would it not make a difference if the person is taking exercise? If I don't exercise, I don't need to shower daily, just a quick wash to freshen up. But if I go cycling, running or otherwise exerting myself there's no way I would want to stay like that all day, all night, all the next day (more exercise) and all night. He must really really smell if he doesn't use deo or wash and his colleagues will have noticed.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

And I agree with expat you say you only have one problem with him, but actually, you have a whole big problem which is he doesn't do much personal hygiene, or cooking (deciding what to get) or housework or indeed any running of the household. You are well on your way to doing everything, and whilst his love of animals may be charming at this stage, it won't be when you have a small baby, are sleep deprived and need him to start pulling his weight around the house and in the hygiene department, for both himself (even less time to wash with a baby around) and the baby- or are you planning on doing absolutely everything yourself, even reminding him when to wash and cooking all his dinners?

This is not a small problem, honestly it isn't.

[Baconontomato]

Gosh what a heated thread! Well, fwiw I lived with three French students at college and what you've described was pretty much their norm. None of them were ill, or passive aggressive, they just had s different idea of what was standard hygiene. It wasn't to my personal taste but c'est la vie!
Calm!

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

Sorry, I thought you said he loved animals, I see you said your family and friends all love him too. Do you think they have noticed he's not that clean though? I love my stepmum, she's a lovely person, but she absolutely honks a lot, she's from a culture where people don't always use deodorant/wash as much and honestly, all her clothes smell of sweat and so does she. It doesn't affect how I feel about her as I don't have to get that close! But you might be slightly deluded that everyone hasn't noticed.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Melon - your teeth will honk, trust me. Try licking your wrist of a morning, let it dry and have a sniff. That's what your gob smells like.

Op, you have tried to help him and he isn't listening. There is a limit to how much we can help someone who doesn't want help and you have reached it.

If he decides he wants to do something about it then I'd recommend transactional analysis based ratio ship counselling www.counselling-directory.org.uk/transactional-analysis.html but be careful this isn't just another thing that you sort out for him.

[GnomeDePlume]

OP I think that pocketsaviour's post about the army approach to this may be quite helpful. In the army it is called Personal Administration. One of the first lessons new recruits get is how to wash themselves, shave etc. Many of the young people who go into the armed forces come from dysfunctional homes where the basics have got missed. Sounds like your DH is no different.

If this is a relationship you want to keep and it sounds like you do then why not start with the basics? 'Have you brushed your teeth?' 'No, well go and do it now'. Every Single Time.

I think that most people have areas in their lives where a bit of work wouldnt go amiss. For your DH it is personal hygiene.

[expatinscotland]

Did they expect someone to run their lives for them, too, Bacon, because this OP is doing this for both of them.

This is classic because it's never just about how it's never just about a lazy washer. This person is lazy in every other respect of life.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

Bacon I know what you mean, as I said in my previous post, my stepmum is from a different culture and there are slightly different norms around washing. However, in the UK nowadays with the PoundShop selling all personal hygiene items for a pound, it's not generally considered ok to smell of BO.

If you stayed in touch with your French students, I'm pretty sure that they would have very different practices now in later life. Norms have changed- in the 70's washing your hair once a week was fine, and people just went around with lank greasy hair, sometimes startlingly so, but that was normal. You never ever see chip shop hair any more, you just don't.

[Athenaviolet]

I'm going to come at this from another perspective, OP.

My standards of personal hygiene would horrify most of the posters on this thread (doesn't bother DP).

However with me a lot of it is related to my autistic traits eg I have sensory issues and don't like the sensation of water on my skin.

So I'd want to rule out whether your DP is on the spectrum before deciding a course of action.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

Good luck op and I really hope you get this sorted. As others have said, don't try for a child until your relationship is solid. This may seem like a minor niggle now but if left to fester you will become deeply resentful in the future.

[MatildaTheCat]

Ladylamp, I had a similarish situation with my DH and his teeth. He was sort of in denial because every time he went to the dentist,guess what,something bad happened. Thus = dentists are bad news! should be avoided. He would brush very quickly at bedtime and rice with mouthwash for five seconds in the morning. His gums were appalling and he lost a tooth.

So, I found a fantastic hygienist whom I used a lot and really trusted. I explained the problem and said if I can get him here once, we have one chance only. She approached his mouth in a very matter of fact way, no shame or blame and tackled his mouth over four long appointments. He now has an appointment every three months. In between he still isn't brilliant but has improved. He now knows I am not lying when I say gum disease is linked to heart disease.

It was a long road. He got annoyed with me,too if I nagged. I guess it's a real fear/denial thing. Bad teeth are nmore than unattractive,they are a health risk. The washing and deodorant issue I don't have but it does indeed sound as if he missed part of his childhood, the kind where parents nurture you and nag you into good habits. I think he can move on but needs to understand he is not a grungy teenager any more and we are judged on our appearance.

God luck with your discussions.

[Momagain1]

What mental state were you in to accept further dates with someone who can't or won't take minimal care of his body for himself, much less to please you, was a crazy thing to have done. That you have carried on to the point of marrying and planning a family is astounding. No one is so wonderful that this shouldnt have been a deal breaker already.

As Annie said, this attitude will eventually carry over into other situations. How to care for the house. How to deal with neighbors. And, thousands of decisions about any children.

[Momagain1]

BACON you are being awfully silly to assume what they were doing was French, instead of being a trio of young people indulging themselves at not having to do what their parents arent there to tell them to do.

my UK husband did not use deoderant when we met, nor shower daily. He maintained that people in the UK didnt, that it was a US hang up. In the decades since, I notice plenty of deoderant gets sold in the UK (but not so much the antiperspirant considered normal in the US) and I know how much his single mum pinched pennies and tha she taught them to wash with a sink of water instead of a tubful. So my now Dh was washing daily, just not as throughly as I expected. He began showering daily and after working out after this discussion though. And I switched from constant anti-perspirant to deoderant as needed as he doesnt like perfumey smells on me. i am a less fanatical shaver too. In both cases it was a matter of wanting to be attractive to the other. We have never really spoken much about it since. We both cycle through times of suiting ourselves or the other. OPs husband doesnt appear to give a shit what pleases her, or rather, she hasnt expected him to.

[Momagain1]

My OH doesn't always wash his hands, but as he says to me - he only held his willy to wee, his willy isn't dirty, he didn't pee on his hands, how is it different to holding/touching any part of his body.

melon What do they teach nursury nurses then? Wee and poo arent actually the reason you wash after the loo. All but the littlest children can usually manage not to get any on themselves. A man's penis does indeed have bacteria growing on it. Bacteria that is fine on skin, but potentially hazardous if transferred to his mouth, nose, or eyes because he hasnt washed, and then rubs his eyes or eats with his hands.

It's a good thing you two have each other.

[Jan45]

He doesn't want help, he wants you to accept his disgusting habit, which he has probably had for years, it's nothing to do with mental illness, it's learned habits that being dirty doesn't matter. Perhaps it didn't and doesn't to him but it sure as hell does to you, in fact nobody can expect to have an intimate relationship with anyone on a regular basis if they are not prepared to keep themselves clean.

In reality, he'd have turned me off so much I doubt I'd have much love left for him.

[IonaNE]

Sorry, this is not going to be helpful, but op, how could you have been 9 years with a man with his hygiene habits? I don't think I'd last 2 consecutive days and he'd never make my DH - or my BF.

[Melonfool]

Some people here are more than hyperbolic, they are frankly offensive.

[JessiePinkman]

I've been down this road & it didn't end well. Resentment festers.
Mh issues aside, it is a basic lack of respect for you. Have you told him that? I would give up on the mothering aspect as pp have said its just leading him to rebel.
Tell him others have noticed?
Write him an anonymous note?
Send him links on the link between gum disease & heart attacks?
Withhold sex?
I thought about all these but never did them, oh except the last one of course
Good luck

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I am sorry you feel somewhat worse than you did this morning.

Both of you have played a role in how this relationship is playing out now; he as well as you need to take proper responsibility for it particularly if you are thinking about having children.

I am not suggesting that you have not taken responsibility for your actions but he certainly has not and you've carried him. If this is to continue then changes from both of you have to take place, this needs to become a more equal adult relationship because its certainly not that at present.

Is he at all receptive to now receiving any form of outside help?. What about you?. I ask this as you cannot do this on your own (you tried that and ended up further mothering him instead. Unsurprisingly he rebelled even more). There are reasons as to why he is behaving as he is and it is certainly in both your interests to find out why. Maintaining your current positions is not an option.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Facing the reality of your relationship is painful and can definitely make you feel shit. That's not to say you shouldn't have posted though!

I'm not saying all the posters here have it bang on the money, and he sounds lovely in many ways. Having said that you are definitely in parent/child modes together aren't you? And you are trying so hard to fix a problem that is not yours to fix.

[LadyLampShade]

I can accept that our roles are not as they should be, and I am willing to change that. His parents have this kind of relationship, his dad knows nothing about running a house. his mum admits to not making him do things growing up and has apologised to me about it numerous times!

Counselling may be the next step.

[Happyfriday]

The thing is op you are minimising now and I understand you regret starting this thread but you posted on here at your 'wit's end'
and you told us it drives you 'completely mental'.

So things were already pretty extreme without posters telling you he is out of order and that his behaviour is not acceptable.

[FantasticButtocks]

I would not focus on helping him. instead, I would frame this in terms of what you find acceptable or not. Tell him that you like a clean man, and ask him to respect your wishes. It is not about telling him what to do. It is about stating what you need and asking him to respect this. It is insulting actually if he expects you to tolerate this, if you have told him how you feel about it and he ignores what you say.

He needs to grow up and take responsibility.