Please help- husbands hygiene and habits

[LadyLampShade]

Hello all, I'm here looking for helpful advice to deal with my husbands longstanding neglect of his health and personal hygiene. Sorry, it's quite a long one! I'm 27 and he's 31.
Yes I have been aware of his lacklustre routine and knew what he was like before marriage, but I am now at my wits end. We have been together 9 years, married for 3, have just bought our first house and are planning a baby. The emotional side of our relationship is great and our daily lives together are just what we want, but...
He very rarely brushes his teeth (3-4 times a week) and only believes he needs to shower/bathe every other day (bear in mind he cycles to work and spends one night a week in a sweat box music studio) he is lax with his hand washing regime and doesn't make deodorant his best friend. The bottom line is he is lazy, and just can't be bothered with the effort. I struggle to understand why he can't take 10 minutes in the morning to brush teeth and use deo as a bare minimum before heading out the door.
On the mornings he does get up to shower, he makes sure he gets up at a time so that he can return to bed for 20 mins before getting up 5 minutes before he needs to leave, claiming he doesn't have time to brush his teeth or use deo. Drives me completely mental. 2 years ago it cost us £300 in dental bills, and he seems happy with the fact his teeth will probably just fall out of his head one day. We have talked about this MANY times and I've tried various approaches. I asked him to understand what it might be like for his work colleagues to sit next to him after he has cycled 5 miles in his shirt without deo, ive told him I'm worried about his dental health and my personal health when he doesn't hand wash, and also it pleasent to kiss him when he hasn't looked after his teeth for a few days. He also can't bear to throw away his clothes/shoes until the physically fall apart!

I love him very much, he looks after me and understands my sometimes over emotional state! We enjoy creating our home together, cooking together, going on holidays and recently started exercising together. He makes me laugh, feel loved and always has time for me. He is much loved by friends and family, my family love him and I have a great relationship with his parents.

What can I do to help and encourage him to improve this area? It's starting to eat away at me and create tension. He's recently told me to stop 'telling me what to do, you make me feel like a child' and Ive stopped the reminders, so he's stopped the hygiene! Help!

[IonaNE]

LadyLampShade his hygiene routine could do with some improvement, he is a lax with household chores but at the end of the day he treats me well.
I'm sorry, LLShade, but this last bit sounds alarming to me. I hope it works out for you.

[Jan45]

Jeezo, we try and advise and get slated for it, OP, you re in complete denial about how wonderful he is, not one person has felt that from what you have written, ignore at your peril, nothing will change.

[expatinscotland]

'It's too late to beat myself up about it so I need help to change. '

Change what? Because if it's him, good luck with that.

[ImperialBlether]

He doesn't put you first if he won't even keep himself clean, OP.

[Jan45]

A 5 mile cycle then goes into work and stinks out his colleagues, I bet they all secretly moan about him.

I don't think this is personal to the OP, he actually doesn't give a fuck about anyone.

[ArgyMargy]

Habits are easy to establish with a bit of effort - they don't always need to be taught in childhood. For example I never used moisturiser until quite recently and now I put it on every day. Because I don't want more wrinkles than absolutely necessary. There does need to be motivation, however, and perhaps this is what OP and/or her OH can find through counselling.

[flimflamflarnfilth]

Hi again Lady
I understand why you have gone on the defensive. My DH has a lot of flaws that would be deal breakers to many. Example being, what was a deal breaker for his ex isn't for me.
If anyone listed my DH's flaws and insinuated I was silly or deserved what I got, I'd be feeling pretty fed up and defensive too.
That being said, posters have offered their perspective, which is sort of what you asked for.
If you can, look for the advice you found helpful and discount anything you're not interested in exploring.
I think pp saying about getting a routine going is a good idea. He has one already, just a bit of a dysfunctional one. You know him best, you know how to bring him round in other areas of your daily life. Try to apply the same tactics to the areas you want to change.
Don't give up on MN. If we all had the same ideas this site would have tanked long ago.

[OliveCane]

Ok about the bath every other day, ask him to use this deodorant, it really truly works wonders:

www.chemistdirect.co.uk/sure-men-maximum-protection-fresh-scent-anti-perspirant-deodorant-stick

(you can buy from boots/superdrug).

I don't know what to suggest about the teeth though - could you just keep reminding him?

[GnomeDePlume]

Hi OP I feel a lot of sympathy for you and also for your DH. In many ways I wonder if my DS is a little bit like your DH. I hope that my DS can find someone who genuinely loves him for who he is as you seem to love your DH.

My DS at 16 still needs to be reminded to shower/brush teeth. I dont know, perhaps he always will. This is part of him being him. However, what we have learnt is that getting cross doesnt work, it just turns into white noise. What does work is de-dramatising the whole thing. We remind, he does.

Good luck with this.

[Athenaviolet]

Op yes I think it's unfair how you have been treated on this thread.

And quite frankly a lot of the comments are quite disablist against autistic people.

If different people who know him in real life have mentioned him possibly being on the spectrum then he definitely need to go to his GP and ask for a referral for a professional assessment.

The actions you should take to remedy this situation are entirely dependent on whether this is the root of it or not.

Also if you are thinking of having dcs it would be better for you to be prepared for potentially having a dcs on the spectrum, as it does seem to often run in families.

[peggyundercrackers]

some of the answers on here have been absolutely astonishing - people making aggresive assumptions about OPs DH and his habits and behaviour when really none of you know him or how he behaves. I cant believe people have suggested he is angry and needs medication - how can you come to that conclusion from what OP has written? your all fucking deluded.

like some others I don't shower every day - I certainly don't smell. I don't brush my teeth every day and I don't have a smelly mouth - ive licked my hand let it dry and guess what absolutely no smell at all. I go to the dentists regularly but am always told how good my teeth and my gums are and how well I look after them... not everyone is the same so stop tarring everyone with the same brush.

[Tambaboy]

I'm going to go with the fact that you mention he might be on the autistic spectrum. I know 3 adults with this issue and all of them are on the spectrum. One of them is a colleague of mine and he really, really smells. I think he is under sensitive to smell and he doesn't realise how overpowering for the rest of us his BO is. He has already lost several teeth due to poor dental hygiene. The same goes for the other 2 who are family members.

Another family member who is nearly 18 , also in the spectrum, still needs visual schedules for his hygiene routine.
It might be a sensory issue. DS has ASD too and hates the feel of showers and brushing his teeth. Until recently he would refuse to lather his hair with shampoo.
Maybe it's something you could both explore.
good luck.

[LadyLampShade]

I don't know why some of you thnk my marriage is 'alarming' it's very hard to convey feelings and people's tendancies on the Internet. I have had some very useful, insightful responses on here that have helped me to understand and talk with my husband effectively. Some of the posts have been downright unkind and assuming all sorts about me and my husband, and not offering help at all, just using it as an excuse to voice harsh
personal opinions rather than give useful help.

I Had a heart to heart with my mum about my feelings and she made me feel a lot better, as I was starting to feel sick reading all the comments here.

I will be asking for this thread to be removed, and certainly won't be back again. But thank you to those who have been kindhearted enough to give me a little support.

[gamerchick]

As much as you might want to run away now OP it's too late. What's been said on this thread will stay in your mind as you observe your partner and his habits.

Melon that's seriously rank.. When people say things like that it always reminds me of a past cleaner we had at the place I work at. She couldn't understand why people were complaining about the smell in the toilets she was responsible for because she had a limited sense of smell. Just wouldn't have it.

[silveracorn]

Ladylampshade and Athena I'm glad you both mentioned the autistic thing. I wrote a post suggesting that was a possible reason but deleted it (because it feels like I go on so many threads saying - ah but could it be autism over stuff that NT people find socially unforgivable but which is more usual in AS people).

DS2 is autistic and hates the feel of water on his body, especially his face. he has a bath every day but he has done since birth, and cleans his teeth twice a day, as minimally as he can. And he has to be nagged to wash his hair every other day. I spray aftershave on him as he heads out the door for school, otherwise he'd smell a bit musty even though he has a daily bath. I think he probably doesn't wash that thoroughly, even though we've done the 'rub 10 times under each arm pit as a minimum' talk 100s of times.

We talk A LOT about how hygiene is part of self care and self esteem. But recently I've been very preoccupied with family problems and when he came to me with two huge spots on his face, he admitted he hadn't washed it for a fortnight. I usually wash it for him even though he's 12, and put a face mask on to get rid of the blackheads. But I worry that once he's off to college he'll lapse. It just doesn't register as important to him. If OP's DH came from a family that didn't have a rock solid routine on hygiene, that would make it even harder.

[Offred]

If he doesn't like being treated like a child he could choose to stop behaving like one. It's not much fun being pushed into mothering a grown adult who should be your partner either...

[IonaNE]

I am quite surprised at how many people on this thread say they don't shower every day. I shower every morning - you are under a warm blanket for 7+ hours, sweat and normal secretions (even when you aren't hot), cling to you (you can always smell a person who has just got out of bed). I shower every evening because I won't get into a clean bed and into clean pyjamas with the day's sweat, dust, deodorant etc. on me. And if I go, say, running at lunchtime, then I obviously also shower after that. Admittedly I'm not from the UK but where I grew up this was the minimum expected personal hygiene in society.

[Offred]

And my xh is not autistic but as soon as we got married he stopped bothering to wear deodorant. He does everything else but just that one thing was horrendous having four kids under 5 including baby twins it was absolutely soul destroying to actually manage to change the sheets only for them to be absolutely stinking, and I mean stinking after one night.

It's so, so inconsiderate...

[meerschweinchen]

As a very simple suggestion - what about an electric toothbrush? Really easy to use if he's a bit lazy! Might it help get him into a better routine?

[Athenaviolet]

silveracorn

I'm glad it's not just me then that 'sees' autistic traits on an awful lot of men threads!

[Athenaviolet]

Mn not men!

[Melonfool]

"Melon that's seriously rank.. When people say things like that it always reminds me of a past cleaner we had at the place I work at. She couldn't understand why people were complaining about the smell in the toilets she was responsible for because she had a limited sense of smell. "

What is seriously rank?

I don't have any problem with my sense of smell so I don't know what you're talking about.

Why can't people accept that everyone is not the same? My teeth simply do not need to be cleaned twice a day, they don't develop plaque like other people's either - I know what dirty teeth look like and mine don't look like that. Years ago I remember being amazed at a bf showing me his teeth in the morning and they had this sort of fuzzy white stuff round the gaps, that's why people clean their teeth. My teeth never get like that, never. I don't have anything like that, my teeth always feel smooth and people often tell me what good teeth I have. And I don't have gum disease and my teeth are not dropping out. I have one small filling from when I was a teenager.

I think not drinking coffee and not drinking alcohol much (and never having smoked, not even tried it) probably helps, but I don't do that to keep my teeth nice, I just don't like it.

But I do agree that those of you who have wine in the evening, smoke and swig foul coffee all day probably do stink, so do need to clean your teeth several times a day. But I don't (see, we can all be nasty and judgmental - I'm starting to get the hang of this).

The issue for the OP is that husband is not listening to her valid concerns and changing his behaviour to show her he cares about her opinions. The issue is NOT that there is some rule that we have to wash x number of times a day.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

My ds brushes his teeth before bed, definitely doesn't smoke or drink coffee and his breath is a bit nasty first thing. I promise you melon your mouth will smell disgusting in the morning, but seemingly you have developed an immunity to the smell.

[Melonfool]

Right - so because your partner's breath smells, mine does as well? You've never met me.

See, judgmental.

Anyway, I never said my breath didn't smell in the morning. I said my teeth were not dirty.