Please help- husbands hygiene and habits

[LadyLampShade]

Hello all, I'm here looking for helpful advice to deal with my husbands longstanding neglect of his health and personal hygiene. Sorry, it's quite a long one! I'm 27 and he's 31.
Yes I have been aware of his lacklustre routine and knew what he was like before marriage, but I am now at my wits end. We have been together 9 years, married for 3, have just bought our first house and are planning a baby. The emotional side of our relationship is great and our daily lives together are just what we want, but...
He very rarely brushes his teeth (3-4 times a week) and only believes he needs to shower/bathe every other day (bear in mind he cycles to work and spends one night a week in a sweat box music studio) he is lax with his hand washing regime and doesn't make deodorant his best friend. The bottom line is he is lazy, and just can't be bothered with the effort. I struggle to understand why he can't take 10 minutes in the morning to brush teeth and use deo as a bare minimum before heading out the door.
On the mornings he does get up to shower, he makes sure he gets up at a time so that he can return to bed for 20 mins before getting up 5 minutes before he needs to leave, claiming he doesn't have time to brush his teeth or use deo. Drives me completely mental. 2 years ago it cost us £300 in dental bills, and he seems happy with the fact his teeth will probably just fall out of his head one day. We have talked about this MANY times and I've tried various approaches. I asked him to understand what it might be like for his work colleagues to sit next to him after he has cycled 5 miles in his shirt without deo, ive told him I'm worried about his dental health and my personal health when he doesn't hand wash, and also it pleasent to kiss him when he hasn't looked after his teeth for a few days. He also can't bear to throw away his clothes/shoes until the physically fall apart!

I love him very much, he looks after me and understands my sometimes over emotional state! We enjoy creating our home together, cooking together, going on holidays and recently started exercising together. He makes me laugh, feel loved and always has time for me. He is much loved by friends and family, my family love him and I have a great relationship with his parents.

What can I do to help and encourage him to improve this area? It's starting to eat away at me and create tension. He's recently told me to stop 'telling me what to do, you make me feel like a child' and Ive stopped the reminders, so he's stopped the hygiene! Help!

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

And stating your teeth are not dirty is ridiculous. Do you think that bacteria is visible to the naked eye?

[gamerchick]

How do you know melon if you haven't been to the dentist in almost a decade?

I'm assuming you eat?

[Melonfool]

I didn't say I didn't brush my teeth.

I posted to support the OP because all this rubbish about how everyone must have these very specific standards of hygiene is way over the top. And her issue is about how her husband reacts to her discussing it with him not about some non existent standard everyone must meet.

And because my standards are not exactly the same as yours, because my behaviour somehow threatens your cosy world view, you round on me like a bunch of school ground bullies. Like people have to the OP.

You may note that I am not the only person on this thread who has said they don't clean their teeth every day, and don't necessarily shower every day. So it's not entirely outwith the realms of possibility that people can exist who behave differently. And no, I am not depressed and I don't have mental health issues.

And it's funny how no one has asked why I don't brush my teeth every day (and when I said I don't brush them every day wondered how often I miss - it's probably about once a month, though it is true that I never brush them at night) isn't it. It's just the perceived wisdom that doing so is the "right" and
thus the only way.

[catmaze]

My DH only showers when he feels like it and he is the unsmelliest, unsweatiest person ever. . My DB never brushes his teeth and had 1 small filling in his 40s.

I require much more maintenance. We are not all equal.

[Heyho111]

?? People have huge opinions when they know so little about the reality of the posters life.
There is one problem in your relationship that's all. It sounds like you are well matched. Very often one person is the organiser or makes more of the decisions. If that suits the relationship then that's great. Don't question it.
May be make a schedule and stick it above the sink. Teeth, shave, shower and deodorant.
Another by the loo. Toilet, wash hands.
They are prompts to help him get in the habit. Another note stuck on bathroom door saying schedule so it reminds him to do it if he's exiting without completing it.
Have a chat and say it needs to be done. It will be done and the schedule and me nagging you'll get you in the habit.
Pack him work clothes in a bag each night to change into in work.
Have a laugh make a snellometer and set it to pong alert and hand it to him whilst wearing a peg on your nose.
Try the schedules and don't ruin a marriage if your happy. Happiness is worth holding onto tightly.

[GnomeDePlume]

I agree Heyho111, 100%

[LadyLampShade]

heyho111 thank you, this is the kind of thing I was looking for

We have discussed a plan to help him, he knows the changes must come from him, and we plan to talk about things in a few weeks to see how he's feeling/getting on and then probably start using visual prompts

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

Good luck, I hope it works and gives him the lift off he needs until he can keep himself clean without being reminded.

[User543212345]

LadyLampShade how is/was his self esteem? I wonder whether his lack of self care is tied into him not valuing himself a huge amount. I say this because you said in an earlier post that he bends over backwards for other people, often to his own detriment, and his treatment of you when you were dating (the walking you home before walking an hour back to his, which is very sweet imo) maybe shows that he doesn't value himself as highly as he values other people? It's not a huge leap from there to see him think that he's not worth the effort of keeping himself clean etc, which can then lead to habits being formed that aren't particularly sanitary.

[laurierf]

LadyLamp - I'm a bit taken aback by some of the responses in this thread too. To be honest I know a few people like this and they are not mentally ill, childish or lazy (no way could they be described as childish and lazy if you look at other areas of their life). And (in relation to what pocket - I think- was saying) I was talking to a guy in the army who said it is very common to take on people who have to be taught how to look after their personal hygiene because they've never had to do it before.

Anyway, a very close friend of mine has a DH who is similar. She worried that checklists would be too childish but as it turned out he likes it - he found it easier not to have to think about things and try but get it wrong etc. Unfuck Your Habitat is a blog that has daily/weekly/monthly checklists for cleaning so she used that to share out household tasks and did similar for his personal daily routine and then one for the kids when they arrived. It took a bit of time but it worked and she said it helped her a lot too with her own organisation. Good luck.

[CheapSunglasses]

It's not great form to post asking for opinions and advice and then go on the attack when it's not what you want to hear. The posters you've thanked and agreed with are the ones saying you should continue to treat this as your problem to solve and take responsibility for mothering him.

Personally I think Heyho's suggestion is very depressing. Micro managing him like a potty training toddler.

You won't have the time, inclination or patience for it when you have an actual potty training toddler to deal with.

I hope he sorts it out OP. But after 9 years of nothing changing it's not looking optimistic is it?

Keep trying to make him change if you can be bothered. But as a back up plan maybe decide what your line in the sand is and what action you'll take if he crosses it.

Don't TTC until you see a significant improvement. No significant improvement in six months? He goes to counselling. Etc.

[Athenaviolet]

melon

I'm the same, I don't have the habits that damage my teeth. Not needed a filling for almost 20 years.

DPs teeth are so much dirtier than mine and he brushes twice a day. I don't ever do it more than once a day but do it at least every 2/3 days.

I floss once or twice a day or even more if needed though as I feel that flossing does a better job of making my teeth feel clean than brushing.

This showering every day thing is so recent. When everyone had immersion heaters they got put on once a week for everyone to have a bath. Did everyone really smell that bad in the 80s?

[Queenofwands]

OP, there will be reasons behind your DP persisting with this behaviour and they will probably be complex. Things like an element of the fact you are with him despite this, making him feel more loved. If he was neglected as a child (for whatever reason)he will have felt shame and your reminders will bring him back to that time. Having said that I believe if you support him with the checklists and the shirt packing, it will raise his standards and he will improve greatly. It may take as long as 6 months but given that lovely guys like him don't grow on trees ( as the other posts here demonstrate) well worth the investment. If you do it in a loving way it could help ....not hinder his confidence issues. BTW you sound like a lovely partner too, and I hope you sort this and start your family soon.

[LadyLampShade]

Why is it that so many of you think that me trying to help my husband is micro managing and ridiculous? I've been with him for 9 years because I love him and we are happy. I came here looking for support and a few tips to help me help him. I'm NOT ready to Give up on my marriage over this, nor do i think us having a child will turn me into one of the many women who complain on these websites. I got defensive as many posters began attacking me and my relationship, telling me my husband has mental health issues/an anger problem/doesn't give a f about other people as it simply isn't true. I was even questioned about my mental state when agreeing to further dates with him! FFS! He has many other values to me and the people around him, and these far outweigh the issue I want to address and help him overcome.

It is a problem, but not a dealbreaker to me, but something that can become a daily irritant, hence my frustration. Much like the many husbands out there that don't contribute To daily chores. Perhaps regularly leaving a used mug next to the dishwasher will be considered the behaviour of a passive aggressive person with severe mental health issues, because they dont give a a f about the people around them and their personal environment. The assumptions made here about me and my husband do not compute.

[BertrandRussell]

Maybe because one adult should not have to help another adult to remember to clean his teeth and wash his hands?

[Queenofwands]

Lady take no notice of those who point their "judgey little fingers" as Elton John once said. At the end of this you will have a lovely Husband with clean teeth, because you supported him in getting over a hangover from a sad time in his childhood. What is easy for some is not easy for others. He will come round and I am sure you will enjoy a lovely family life together. We all need help and support sometimes, isn't that what marriage is about? Being a team?

[LabradorMama]

I'm sorry for the way you've been treated on this thread OP. Despite the hygiene issue - which you are aware of and are attempting to resolve with your partner - your relationship sounds wonderful.

Perhaps that's why you've been treated the way you have.

I wish you well, I hope you can get this problem sorted out

[Happyfriday]

I think 'helping' him op, whatever form that takes, isn't going to make any difference. You've been doing that anyway.

He's not going to change after 9 years is he? And he's certainly not going to change when you have children either.

I wish you all the best anyway.

[Jan45]

What a load of old bollocks, the way the OP has been treated, if you don't like the truth, don't post, that simple.

You will find throughout the thread that 80 if not 90% of posters think it disgusting, how cycling 5 miles then going in straight to work without even using deodorant is expecting too high a standard is beyond my comprehension.

OP, it's up to you, manage him all you want but it will be a lifetime commitment on your behalf.

[CheapSunglasses]

I guess I'm a bit confused about what the issue actually is.

If you go by what posters like Melon are saying then it's actually fine to have a lax attitude to hygiene and it's none of your business what he does in that regard. What's your problem?!

But you say you're 'at the end of your tether with it'. Why? You find his lack of hygiene off putting but it's been like that for years. So what is it that's actually got you to this point? His repeated ignoring of your pleas for him to change? The fact that he can't change or rather, won't change despite knowing your feelings on the matter?

Are you at the end of your tether because he shuts down any discussion on the subject by storming off in a strop? Is it the learned helplessness you find frustrating? His inability to take the initiative and his need for you to spoon feed instructions?

Is it symptomatic of a wider issue whereby you do all the heavy lifting in the relationship and he takes a child role?

How do you want him to change? Simply be more hygienic or a wholesale shift in attitude to become more self sufficient and proactive?

Have you 'tried to help him' throughout all your years together? Or have you just left him to it and tolerated it and it's only now that you want to try and help him change?

If it's not all that bad in the wider context of your relationship really, then why are you prepared to put enormous amounts of time and energy into making him change?

[CheapSunglasses]

And if you've been trying to change his hygiene habits for the whole length of your relationship, why do you think you'll succeed now?

I think there's stuff going on here that you don't want to acknowledge tbh.

[Lolipoplady]

I haven't read the full thread, but I just wanted to say that it strikes a chord with me as I am in a similar situation - although it is improving slowly.

My DP was not brought up to brush his teeth regularly and was never taken to the dentist by his parents. He was not brought up to have good hygiene around food preparation and hand washing either (I see this at his mum's house - am loathe to eat there because it is, quite frankly, dirty), although he does shower every day and use deodorant so his body is clean.

I've found that 'mothering' him has helped. It's got him into the routine of brushing his teeth twice a day and although I had to remind him to start with, like a child, he mostly does it himself now. I've not managed to get him to visit the dentist yet though, which he desperately needs to do because his teeth are in a terrible state. He is frightened - his mum seems to have built it into a huge issue because she herself is afraid of dentists, and she has passed the fear on. He was also scared of needles and scared of going to the optician, but by me making those appointments for him, and going with him (again like a child) he has managed to face those fears and get the glasses and blood tests that he needed for his health.

I don't know if any of this is helpful but I just wanted to say that I can sympathise, and you are not alone in having a husband like yours.

[hollieberrie]

I struggled with self care when I went through a very difficult time. I was so down that I literally didn't care about washing, cleaning teeth, changing clothes etc. Is it possible he's depressed / angry / has low self esteem? My counsellor said it's not uncommon when you suffer from those kind of things. It's a kind of internal hurt and anger that you direct at yourself apparently . Or alternatively he's just a lazy

Haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this has been discussed already OP x

[Melonfool]

"If you go by what posters like Melon are saying then it's actually fine to have a lax attitude to hygiene and it's none of your business what he does in that regard. What's your problem?!"

Well, I certainly didn't say anything like that.

[ScrambledEggAndToast]

Ooh yuck OP. All I can think of it sweaty balls and I feel sorry for you. Here You need to give him a serious talking to, either he starts washing properly or < insert suitable punishment >