AIBU to think my sister is an utter bitch??? [[names edited by MNHQ]]

[zoelikesjam]

Right, so this time last year, well in march,I was invited to go to Australia for my sisters engagement party. Turned out it was a big surprise and they actually got married on that day. I have two other sisters, and S (the bitch from hell) had N and B(two other sisters) as bridesmaids. She totally left me out of the wedding and I was devastated. Anyway, I never said anything as I didn't want t spoil her special day an just left it at that. When I got home, after a month it was my little sister's birthday and they all went out for a meal. S posted something on facebook and because i was ill at the time I took it nastily. She posted about how nice it had been to go out with the whole family etc etc and I took it to heart and pulled her up about it. We got into a little bit of an argument and everything about the wedding came pouring out, about how left out i felt etc etc. S turned round to me and said I had been lucky to get invited as she wasn't even going to invite me so I should have been grateful. I lost my shit, told her she was a selfish cow and blocked her on everything. We've not spoke for over a year.

The this weekend she sent my OH a message saying she was coming over to England and could he arrange for her to spend some time with my three little ones. I wasn't happy about it, but didn't want to upset the children so said to P it was okay. P sent her a message saying, basically, "Z's happy for you to see the children, but I think you should both apologise to one another and kiss and make up"
S then sent P a really snotty message saying that I didn't deserve an apology, she did. And how she had never really liked me or got on with me.

I lost my shit big time, and sent her a message saying we were busy that day 'and besides, did she really think someone who she'd never gotten on with should let her spend time with children who are so much like their mother?'
I know I probably shouldn't have said that, but do you think it deserved this response??? This is what I got back

"Wow! You really are a very low person. I hope you can deal with yourself. One day if you don't poison your children i WILL make contact with them and tell them what you have done and the type of mother you are. I hope for their sakes the NEVER EVER turn out to be just like their mother...I am totally shocked you think this is the right way to behave by punishing your children...I will be telling everyone you have done this and I am sure they will realise you have reached a new low. You should think about that. Oh and just one more thing, just so you know how ridiculous you are, you lost your children and as a result they live with people you don't get along with"

Two years ago I got really sick and my three little ones had to go live with their father, and the youngest went to her Nana's. Last October J&L came back to live with me, as it was made very obvious they were not being looked after properly. Their step-mum had gone back to full time work, and it seemed like Dad couldn't cope, so they came home as I was getting much better health wise and it was apparent they couldn't stay with dad. My youngest has stayed with her Nanny and her father(Who I get on with wonderfully) as she is well loved, well looked after and very settled.

Having spoken to my mother and step-father, they are both in agreement with me that what she has said is vile and I am well within my rights to never let her see the children again. My mum is a little devastated though, she agrees what S has said is some terrible things but, whilst I have to do what I think is right, maybe I should be the bigger person and let her see the children.

So I called mum at 4am(They live in Australia), talked the whole thing through with her and step-dad, and they are very much on my side(Thank god) as the stupid stupid girl forwarded the messages to all of my family(sisters, mum, etc etc) and instead of making me out to be unreasonable she included what she replied to me and all my family is disgusted with her.
I sat down and had a long hard think about it all this morning, and decided I would be the bigger person, so I wrote out this email.

"Despite your vindictive, spiteful, bullying nature, I will prove to you I am not a bad mother. You need to get your facts straight before you start spouting off bile and nasty vile words. I am far from a bad mother. I have brought my children up with respect and manners. An as for my children living with people who I don't get along with, once again you need to get your facts straight. J and L(My two eldest) live with me, and have done for quite for time now. And the only reason A doesn't is because, once again I am a bloody good mother and do not wish to disturb her as she is happy and healthy where she is living. And fyi J(My ex husband) and I get along wonderfully.

J and L ARE busy that weekend, they will be visiting their father, however I was willing to reorganise that so you could spend some time with them. Now, despite your vindictive nature I am still willing to let you spend a little time with them. However you now have a slight problem. When you sent me those sickeningly horrible messages the children were with me when I received them. They are now perfectly aware how much you have hurt and destroyed me. J categorically does not want to see you, and L is undecided. That is your doing, not mine I am afraid. Despite your nasty nature I am still willing to set something up so you can see A and to show I am not the evil bitch you are making me our to be, I will be happy to talk to j and l and try and convince them to spend some time with you.

I will be a grown up, unlike you, and make a profuse apology for the email I sent you last year, however I don't take back what I said. You have hurt me over and over, but I can't say I am surprised, it is after all in your nature.

I don't wish for a response to this message, as it would probably make me change my mind again, and I will feel compelled to stop you seeing the children who are so much like me. That was the main message I was trying to get across, that if you don't like me or get on with me, why would you want to spend time with children who are just like me completely?

As for me not apologising, One, I did send you a Christmas present to sort of break the ice, but on not hearing from you I left it at that. And two, I wasn't going to say sorry for you hurting my feelings, why should I? However, I will be the bigger person and apologise for my attitude and the way I spoke to you.

Anyway, as I said. Don't hold your breath that J and Lwill want to spend any time with you, but I can sort out some time with A."

What do you think? Was that the grown up thing to do? My mum thinks it was, and apparently I wasn't too harsh on her, just told her a few home truths. So with Mum's blessing I've sent that email to her.

Sorry that was so long winded I just needed to get it off my chest and needed a little support. This has just been such a massive set back its unbelievable, This whole saga has devastated me and I never thought she could act in such a spiteful horrible manner. I am, and have utterly broken my heart over this, and it has sucked me further in to the black hole I was just starting to drag myself out of.

OP if your sis makes you feel like crap just go no contact, as a few other posters have suggested. I don't get on with my sister at all - she emigrated last year gave me a mouthful before she went, all about stuff that happened before we were even 10 years old. I annoy her by not rising to anything she says at all...she has shit to say via other family members. But, I don't care.

Some people tell me we "should" make up because we are sisters. I couldn't care less. My brothers are lovely, we get on well they're always there for me. My sis gets on well enough with my DDs - they've 20 & 19 so I let them get on with it. They don't get involved, they don't need to.

Im happier without my sis around - she hasnt a good word to say about anybody or anything & she runs my mum ragged about this & that nonsense. You'll feel a whole lot better, I think, if you simply accept the 2 of you don't get on, just go no contact & don't get drawn into the whys and wherefores of your reasons why, and thats that

Of course if you want stress and drama in your life, you'll continue as you are. I don't think thats wise though. You've your own little family unit now. Get on with enjoying them.

I would suggest cutting contact completely.

A person who treats you this badly has no right to a relationship with your children.

It should be fairly easy as she lives in Australia, although I would be prepared for her to try and contact them via Facebook or whatever as they grow.

But I wouldn't let a person who felt that way about me, who spoke to me and about me in such a nasty way, have contact with my child.

In fact I am NC with my PILs, which has also meant that they haven't seen DS since he was 21 months old. They are cruel and vindictive people who have put him at risk of physical harm more than once, once by picking him up by his neck as he was crawling around the room and once by telling a lie about DH's sibling having a hereditary disease, which they would give us no real details about, making us think it was the reason we lost a child to stillbirth. We had DS booked in for blood tests to find out if he was seriously ill (they told us the disease could be terminal). They've tried to break up our marriage countless times too.

So I don't say cut contact lightly, it's something I've done and I know what the repercussions can be with regards to the wider family. We only see DH's sister now, the rest of the family we don't see any more.

But I feel it's the best thing for me and my son, I know I'm putting his best interests first. He doesn't need people like them in his life, putting him at risk, and your children don't need a person like your sister in theirs.

And neither do you, in my opinion. You sound quite fragile, and I mean that with no offence intended. But you say your health has suffered in the past and a person like this in your life causing your stress and pain can't be helping you.

Your priority is to your children and your own wellbeing. And your sister sounds like poison. It's okay to let people like that go. There comes a point when you realise you can't control someone else's behaviour, only your response to it. And sometimes the best response is to walk away and put yourself first.

I wish you well OP, and hope you will be okay.

Why do you want your sister to see your children? She's made it very clear that she does not like you and is happy to badmouth you to other people. This is not the sort of person I would want anywhere near my own DCs. Is it the case that you would like a good relationship with this sister? Sorry to say I don't believe it will ever happen going by what you have said. Sometimes that happens. Look to those people who do support you positively, not those who bring negativity into your life.

Well done though for getting two of your children back and being selfless in your decision to leave the third in the stable environment that they were used to. That must have been a difficult decision for you.

I don't think saying "despite your vindictive nature I am still willing to let you spend a little time with them" makes you the better person. Not unless your sister's Pol Pot.

I think your reply has probably added fuel to the fire your sister has made. It comes from a place of hurt and anger.
Having said that, your sister sounds irrational. Do you know what her original issue with you was? It sounds like she's been determined to needle you all along. If she didn't know your older 2 children were back with you, why was she asking you to arrange her visit?
I think you should just tell your mother that you don't need the aggravation from your sister and won't rise to her threats.

Op your sister sounds horrid, but you are adding fuel to the fire by sending her those messages. When you were left out of the wedding, I woukd have distanced myself from her and gone totally NC with her, including the kids. Yiu ate nit behaving in a grown up way op, it's tit for tat.

For whatever reason it's clear from her email that she thinks you are toxic op and lucky to be given her 'olive branch' wedding invite. So why subject your kids to that?

I know full well what a relative thinks of my dad and I hate it. I always feel the need to defend because frankly my relative is wrong and deflecting. if your sister can email like and call you toxic then either in word or action she will upset your kids by sharing her opinion.

Don't do it. Just don't bother. Not unless you repair your relationship.

I think that you took the family emigrating very badly and felt abandoned, not being involved in the wedding made this feeling worse. You have mentioned a few occasions when you have been ill and this has impacted on your relationships with people around you, is it possible that this is the case with your sister. Sounds like emotions run very high in your family and this isn't helpful for anyone. You need some support to bring that level of emotional expression down to a less damaging level. Of course you can't do that for others, only for yourself, is there anyone who can help with this?
In the meantime, don't send anymore emails. It's not helpful.

Your sister sounds like a total cunt.

You said things in the heat of the moment: they can't be unsaid but I wonder how many people would react calmly and rationally to someone as loopy as your sister. Go NC with her and keep your kids well-clear of it. Let them make up their own minds when they are old enough.

Now you have the opportunity to be the bigger woman and walk away. Don't give her any ammunition, but likewise don't let her blackmail you. She's already gotten the reaction she wanted, why let her piss you off any further?

Yanbu

Cut her out. You deserve peace.

i'm confused to be honest. If it was a surprise wedding then how come your 2 other sisters were bridesmaids? Did they know it was a wedding or did they just happen to turn up in bridesmaid dresses? Likewise with your parents. Were they dressed for a wedding or not? I'd be having issues with the whole family keeping it a secret from me to be honest

Robin-all my family live in Australia. They all knew about the wedding, but as far as we were concerned it was an engagement party so we were all dressed up. I was devastated she left me out as for my wedding she was so involved and helped me a great deal. I honestly don't know what her problem is with me but I am certain it is down to my illness.

Yes I felt abandoned when they emigrated. I couldn't go with them as my two children's father wouldn't have allowed it.

I'm surprised that things were all fine before the wedding. It doesn't sound like your sister thought like that.

Can I also pick you up on the fact that your youngest child lives with someone else? If you are better now I think it would be best for her to make a gradual transition to be with her parent and siblings.

You should have written the letter in rough, then left it a week before sending it. A letter sent in heated emotion is never a good thing. It would have been better tweaked to take out your digs at her.

You are not being the bigger person because before every statement you basically have a dig saying she's spiteful, nasty nature, vindictive, not being grown up.

Also I don't understand why you would tell your children about the emails?

What your sister said was awful and it would have been better just ignore her letter and her request to see the kids. Silence speaks tons and you wouldn't have lost face.

Tell us more about your sister. Is she younger? What sort of person is she?

That sounds so hard to get your head around, not being able to go with them. My sister felt like this when we all moved to different parts of the country, we were still only a couple of hours away but it hit her hard and she could have come if she had wanted. So I'm not surprised this hurts.
Sounds like she doesn't cope with your illness well at all. In fairness it can be very hard to deal with the fall out of mental health problems, for everyone, you haven't gone into detail about what has happened in the past but your description of what happened with your kids sounds traumatic for all of you. So she may be angry and upset about this. However, (and it's a big however), her emails are awful and so are yours, if she can't or won't keep it calm and pleasant then you can, for your sake and your kid's sake.
My best friend's mum has bipolar, she has had a difficult relationship with her sister for years and on the face of it her sister is much nicer than your sister sounds they have really struggled to maintain a relationship at times when friend's mum is ill but Aunty has been a strong source of support for friend and her brother. I honestly think that they might not have coped without Aunty's support. I guess what I'm saying is that if you stop thinking with your emotions whilst you can, it might be a good thing for your kids to have contact with supportive family so that when you are not able to think without your emotions influencing your thinking and behaviour so strongly your kids have as much support as possible.

Zippey, A lives with her father/Nanny and has done for two years. She is very settled and happy where she is. She comes and visits me every weekend. I didn't think I was a goo idea to upset her schooling and routine just because I want her back home with me. Also, and this is very very selfish of me, but I don't feel well enough to have a young child with me just right now. J&L are 10&9, M is just 6. She wants to come back to live with me though, and I've had a talk to her father, who I get along with, and we have agreed to sit down and have a talk in the summer holidays and decide her 'future'.

Tandem-I just explained to the children that sister had been horrible to me, and that was why I was so upset.
She is two years younger than me, and my only 'real' sister. My two other sisters and brother are half siblings and i have two step brothers, all whom I get on very very well with.
Sister is a Paleo vegan, and a Buddhist. However she has always been a spoilt selfish little thing. She is very much my fathers golden child, but I'm a mommie's girl so that doesn't really matter. My step-father doesn't get on with her at all due to her nature.

But she is my sister, and I love her very much :(
I will hold my hands up and say I probably shouldn't have sent the message I did, but damn she hurt me.

It must have been awful staying here when everyone left for Australia

sorry, just realised i've used little ones nickname, A&M are the same child

for Mnhq, they have been very helpful here.
OP I think you are being affected by your
MH problems and need to get some help for this. Perhaps all this upset is making you feel worse. I would forget about this situation with your sister and focus on your health. Go back to the GP or to your health care team and explain how recent events have upset you and are affecting your recovery.

Is M the same child as A in your original post? Trying to keep up with the initials.

X-Post, thanks for clarification.

Oh, I do feel for you.

I'd go NC with her.
The less you have to do with her the better.

If she sees your DCs you will be worrying about what lies she will tell them.

Have you asked your sister what her problem is? You say your relationship was fine and she was a bridesmaid at your wedding too, why did she suddenly just turn on you?

As for now, I really think you should cut contact. I'm assuming this was a serious illness you had that means your children had to live elsewhere, so her describing this as your fault is inexcusable really.

She has no respect for you, or your children (who suffered through it with you), to use a serious illness as a stick to bash you with.

I doubt she even wants to see the children tbh.

Why don't you tell your sister that you love her and feel hurt?
You're both very hot headed and ready to express anger. Maybe one of you needs to reach out to try to mend your relationship.
If she was there for you at your wedding and you got on well once, then maybe you can again?
I'm all for trying to have one last go before you go no contact. You both need to take a step back and express yourselves without anger.