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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm sorry or actually not. But I just rang his wife and told her that he is a cheating lying bastard

101 replies

IHaveToldYou · 25/05/2015 18:35

Sorry for the NC but I needed to get it out of my system. I have called my ExP's partner and told her that he is a liar and a cheater and was sleeping with the two of us at the same time while making up stories. I do feel very happy with myself. He is a bastard and can't treat women as some sort of convenience to pick and drop at his leisure.

OP posts:
NoIsNotACompleteSentence · 26/05/2015 18:09

You didn't say you felt proud, you said you feel "happy" that you "got it out of your system"

I do feel for the woman who has just had her relationship destroyed, just like the OP did, it seems distasteful to me to take "happiness" in that.

And I'm not identifying, I'm haven't been the OW, so it's not projection. In fact I don't usually post on OW threads. I just felt you were being unkind.

The man is at fault, not this woman if she was unknowing of the OP's existence.

Joysmum · 26/05/2015 18:10

Good for you.

Whatever your reasoning, woman can now make her own decisions.

I'd want to know if I'd been cheated on and can quite understand if it came from a place of hurt as much as empowering me and hurting him.

You did the right thing by calling and being calm and answering any questions she might have had.

Hazelraphael · 26/05/2015 18:17

good

i would have done the same

amarmai · 26/05/2015 18:21

some posters seem to identify with the man!

Mom2K · 26/05/2015 18:29

Ok...it's not our job to troll hunt. If you have a problem with the OP and believe this isn't legit, then report it. But to repeatedly question the OP when she has supplied answers (i.e. - 'wife' being a typo) then let it go. Carrying on like that when this may be a legitimate post is disruptive and childish.

And to be fair - it isn't an unusual feeling to be "happy" when you know you've set a situation straight. Yes the other woman in this scenario may end up feeling hurt and confused just as the OP did at the beginning...but the bottom line is that no one is being lied to now. Both ladies know what is going on and hopefully the lying, cheating scumbag will get what he deserves.

If I was the lady that the OP called - I would have wanted to know, and even if I was hurt over my DP's despicable actions, I would have been grateful for being informed. If I was the one making the call - I wouldn't have wanted to hurt anyone...but I imagine I would have felt a sense of relief at doing the right thing. The right thing is always to reveal the truth in these situations IMO. Yes it brings pain, but that's only temporary. The benefit of living an honest, legitimate life long term, with someone who actually respects you (or on your own as some would prefer) is worth it.

I don't believe that those of you saying she shouldn't have said anything (regardless of the motive) would really want to be kept in the dark if your partner was cheating. And if that's true...well that's a sad way to live. I wouldn't want to live a lie. I would want to be able to make a choice about the reality of my relationship.

S0mmer · 26/05/2015 22:03

I don't identify with the 'ow' as in, ever having been one, but I don't think that it's a case of two legs bad and four legs good. People make bad choices, out of loneliness, low self esteem, a connection. It never seems to happen to me mind you, I'm interminably single but I'm assured these things happen to others. And honestly, some of the unpleasant and nasty remarks you read about OW on mumsnet, you'd swear we were talking about rapists, paedos and murderers. It's ridiculous imo.

redshoeblueshoe · 26/05/2015 22:30

I think you did the right thing. I know some people do bury their head in the sand - but from what you've said you had a proper conversation with info' that only you two would know.
I would want to know

BitOutOfPractice · 27/05/2015 05:21

Mom2k in fairness to Jan45, it was the op who called her a troll first in one of her massive sarcastic rants.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of what you did op you have done yourself no favours with your sarky aggressive posts. I think your tone here and your obvious glee at fucking your exDP over is what has made some people question what you did

madwomanbackintheattic · 27/05/2015 05:47

I'm with Jan all the way. Those that want to believe it was a 'typo' in the title can carry right on, but it looks rather like the bitter vengeful OW realised the thread wasn't going the right way and invented the 'typo' to come off as the 'real' partner instead of the wicked witch. Nice bit of reinvention.

It's all a bit sordid, tbh. And posting about it in glee is a bit tacky, however good it felt to get it over with. But you know, whatever floats your boat. At least you are both now rid of the little weasel, whoever was cheating on who initially.

Give yourself another congratulatory pat on the back while you ponder what else to do with your life.

YesThisIsMe · 27/05/2015 07:54

I guess the normal reason for telling is so that the misled woman knows that her DP is a cheating bastard and doesn't live in ignorance.

But in this version the other woman knows full well that he's a cheating bastard because he cheated with her she just doesn't know he's cheated on her as well. So there's not the same obligation to tell?

Mygardenistoobig · 27/05/2015 08:09

So the op was with her dp then she found out he was seeing another woman.
The ow didn't know about op.

Op rings ow and tells her dp is/ was not single.

I think that is perfectly reasonable.

TallulahFallula · 27/05/2015 08:19

I don't understand why the OP is getting a hard time. I really don't.

There are numerous threads on here by women who have been cheated on. Quite often they run and run. Part 2, part 3 etc and the OPs get nothing but hugs and support. Try suggesting some of them are bitter and you'll get 175 posts tearing you to pieces.

The OP of this thread is understandably bitter and as far as I can see hasn't done anything wrong.

What's the problem with her, hmm? Is her username not sufficiently whimsical? Not enough sad faces in her post? What?

BitOutOfPractice · 27/05/2015 08:22

I think it's the glee at hurting someone else that did it for me tbh

I wouldn't want to hear from the ow that my dp was a cheat.

MotherFluffer · 27/05/2015 08:49

I think you did the right thing. No doubt the woman will be hurt and feel like shit for a while but it's better she's away from this cheating lying turd of a man.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/05/2015 08:50

Oh yes, I think we can all agree he's a turd.

prorsum · 27/05/2015 08:50

It's interesting to read the critical posts on this thread.

What paragons of virtue you must be, going through life never causing pain to another person. We all cause hurt, difficulties and inconvenience to other people at some point. Directly or indirectly.

In this case the man was a lying cheat, op was hurt and therefore told the person he was cheating on her with; it may have been a wife or dp, so what? Ow is having a difficult time but now at least can make a choice on whether to stay with him based on a fuller picture of who he is.

Some women actually like cheating bastards.

Gilrack · 27/05/2015 09:05

I wouldn't want to hear from the ow that my dp was a cheat.

Obviously, nobody wants to hear their partner's cheating on them!

But, if they are, the most reliable source of this information is the 3rd person in the relationship. They're the only one who can supply all the missing pieces of the picture.

Unless the cheat's undergone a Damascene conversion or you've spent thousands on a detective, no-one else can clarify the facts of your own life. Not the friends & colleagues who've covered for them; not the staff at places they went to; not the dribs & drabs of clues you get from phone and bank statements. You will have to interrogate them all, sifting through the details for mismatches, and still only get an outline of the picture. Working with the third person, you both save yourselves the hassle.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/05/2015 10:52

Giltrack I typed that with direct, bitter experience of exactly that scenario. Not just "in theory".

My situation was different in that the ow knew all about me

But I felt particularly humiliated by the obvious pleasure she took in letting me know. That's the bell that rang in my mind when I read the op. The pleasure involved

BitOutOfPractice · 27/05/2015 10:53

Giltrack I typed that with direct, bitter experience of exactly that scenario. Not just "in theory".

My situation was different in that the ow knew all about me

But I felt particularly humiliated by the obvious pleasure she took in letting me know. That's the bell that rang in my mind when I read the op. The pleasure involved

BabyGanoush · 27/05/2015 11:26

It is not the right thing to do.

OP was not concerned for the wife's happiness

She acted out of malice and spite, how is that ever" the right thing"?

GlitterTwinkleToes · 27/05/2015 11:40

OP I think you done the right thing here!

If my DH was screwing someone else I would want to be told, and yes it would hurt like hell but better to know what a lying cheating bastard he was then carry on with his lies.

The negative comments have really surprised me though, there are plenty of threads about OW and the OP has had plenty of support, but in this case, because the OP has told the OW what exactly he's been up to she's all bitter and vengeful. Hmm

Jan45 · 27/05/2015 13:36

I'm with Jan all the way. Those that want to believe it was a 'typo' in the title can carry right on, but it looks rather like the bitter vengeful OW realised the thread wasn't going the right way and invented the 'typo' to come off as the 'real' partner instead of the wicked witch. Nice bit of reinvention.

I just don't buy the typo, the words are completely different for a start and the OP only corrected herself when someone pointed it out. I think the title thread is correct.......call me a cynic if you so wish.

Preciousbane · 27/05/2015 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gilrack · 27/05/2015 14:14

The only OWs (there were many) I feel bitter towards are the ones who befriended me. That was malicious.

Had any of them taken the trouble to clue me up, they'd have done me a big favour regardless of their motives.

Original poster
IHaveToldYou · 27/05/2015 14:16

To be clear, I am not revelling in someone else's pain. I infact feel a lot of rage and anger. No one in this scenario is or was married. He effectively has been having two relationships at the same time. She wasn't just a casual fling on the side, he was to all intents and purposes her boyfriend - she informed me. I told her that it was the same for me.
A lot of the anger I feel is towards myself because now looking back it was so so obvious but I just naively thought I was reading into things a bit much. In the end, it was me that found out about her, then he managed to convince me she'd been a fling and was now settled on making us work. Some of the stunts he pulled were astonishing and I can't believe I fell hook line and sinker for all the lies and deceit.

OP posts: