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Original poster

Friend (woman) stayed at DP's house?

68 replies

PinkPearlClutcher · 25/05/2015 09:30

My DP and I live a few hours apart right now. This weekend he had arranged for a couple of old friends (man and woman) to come up Sunday night for a night out. He asked whether I minded it being just them as I've never met them and he wants to catch up properly. I was a bit pissed off but agreed.

Then yesterday afternoon it turns up the man couldn't come so woman was coming on her own. For the record I have no doubts that this was a last minute change and not pre-arranged. But I'm so upset and angry about it! I just feel like Ive been kicked out for another woman to come and stay!

I know I'm probably being jealous and controlling and I'm trying not to be, so I made it clear I was upset but didn't make a big fuss. But today I've woken up alone at my house, and I HATE the fact she's there at his house.

Would you have let this happen? Would you be ok with it? And how on earth do I get over it and stop feeling so resentful?

OP posts:
Lj8893 · 25/05/2015 09:37

I don't understand what's the difference between her staying there with another man, and her staying there without the other man. Presumably she stayed in a separate room to your dp?

Pinktartan · 25/05/2015 09:40

I would have be probably felt tea little put out in the firsts lace...surely he would want you to meet his friends and join them on a night out. How long haven oh been with your dp?

However, If it is in the early stages of your relationship, I would be more forgiving and accepting of the situation. Do you know his wider circle of friends and family? How involved are you in each other's lives?

Pinktartan · 25/05/2015 09:42

Sorry accidentally posted too soon before proof reading. Try and ignore the typos!

ALaughAMinute · 25/05/2015 09:42

First of all he wanted to see them on his own (without you!) and then the man couldn't make it so the woman stayed at his place on her own!!

No, I wouldn't be okay with it!

Why weren't you invited? Why didn't they arrange it for a later date if the man couldn't make it?

It all sounds very odd to me!

What is his relationship with this woman exactly? How does he know her?

KongKing · 25/05/2015 09:45

Do you trust him?

thelastthneed · 25/05/2015 09:46

I wouldn't be happy with being asked to stay away in the first place. That would bother me more than the female friend staying alone...

Lj8893 · 25/05/2015 09:47

Yeah sorry that's what I meant in my first post. I would have felt put out in the first place, but wouldn't have felt more put out at just the woman staying. Unless there is an underlying issue there?

bjrce · 25/05/2015 09:56

The very fact that he asked, would you mind that you didn't come and he only wanted to be alone with them. screams red flag, why would he not want you there, that doesn't make sense, although perhaps it does to you.

Being suspicious, there is always the possibility that the OW was never coming, but as you know you DP will never admit this.
Sorry doesn't sound good to me. Have you ever met either of the couple, I am not assuming they are a couple by the way.
Even if there is nothing going on, it wasn't a very nice thing for your DP to do, by not inviting you, speaks volumes about how he feels about you.
I agree with the PP, if the man couldn't make it and he so wanted to meet just them, why couldn't he cancel for another date?

OttiliaVonBCup · 25/05/2015 09:59

Don't you trust him?

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 25/05/2015 10:02

"Would you have let this happen?"

You realise you have no right to control what another adult chooses to do, right? You don't control him, you don't allow him some friends and not others.

Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't trust him, end it. If you do trust him, back off, get a grip, and work on your issues before he ends it for you.

Leviticus · 25/05/2015 10:04

If he lives a few hours from you it would be easy to have a crafty shag behind your back, wouldn't it? No need to tell you a tale. Why bother?

I'd take this at face value and be cool about it. I'm assuming you're a new couple if you haven't met his friends. I can easily imagine wanting to catch up with old friends without my OH too.

Nolim · 25/05/2015 10:08

If i were ok with not being invited to the event i would be ok with the woman staying.

SinglePringle · 25/05/2015 10:16

He's been completely upfront with you.

My boyfriend has friends he's known since he was 8 and they're from all over the world. I'd understand if he wanted to catch up with them without me - they have a history I'm not part of. Ditto for me with some of my mates - sometimes I want to see them without him.

I'd totally take this at face value.

SylvaniansAtEase · 25/05/2015 10:19

Yes, if he's going to cheat, then he can easily do so with you being none the wiser if he's hours away - so her being there on her own is a red herring really.

What I would have a bit of a problem with (depending partly on how long you've been together) is this 'I want you not to be there so I can catch up 'properly'' - to me, that's a slightly red flag and I would mentally mark the card.

If you've only been together a very short time, then fair enough - slightly different, you aren't necessarily yet 'his partner' and it might be awkward. But if you're established as a couple, this is a Bad Sign. The kind of bloke who puts his partner/girlfriend into a different category to his friends - I've known a few, and without exception they have all been either major or minor wankers - the kind who don't see their partners as equal, as part of their social circle, who see 'her indoors' as something you spend time with for particular purposes and have a different persona for. It's misogynistic and immature - 'the lads' get together and have fun, then he dutifully scrubs up and takes 'the missus' out to the cinema just the two of them. Yawn, and fuck off. And it's amazing how often 'the lads' includes a few women that they don't want the missus to meet, because she wouldn't understand their 'laddish banter'.

Hopefully all that's a MAJOR over-interpretation :) But if he makes a habit of wanting to keep you in a separate box to his friends, DUMP. The point of being in a relationship is that you like each other so much you want to BE great friends - on every level. Anything else is bullshit! (and fucking boring).

Original poster
PinkPearlClutcher · 25/05/2015 10:21

I completely trust my DP. I'm mostly upset I was not allowed to stay, and just don't like the whole situation.

The three of them are friends from uni - they lived together for 2 years.

I've been with DP two years, and met pretty much all his friends. That's why this situation was odd - that he didn't want me there.

I was never okay with it in the first place, I was upset but agreed to it because I didn't have much choice. He knew I was upset by it.

I just don't know what to do now...Im so upset this morning and I don't know whether to talk to DP about it - though he already knew how I felt and did it anyway.

I don't even know what they did or what their plans were, I don't know the sleeping arrangements, and I'm afraid to ask because if they shared a bed I'll be livid, but it's possible! And I don't think DP would have thought anything of it.

I feel like I need some coping mechanism to help me cope with all the emotions going on :(

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 25/05/2015 10:25

Ah come on, you completely trust him but you think they might have shared a bed?
If you trust him, what is there to be so upset about it?

It's normal for people to see their old friends without their girlfriends/boyfriends. It's not normal to have such a problem with your boyfriend spending time with old friends without you.

SylvaniansAtEase · 25/05/2015 10:26

You seriously think they might have shared a bed and that 'he wouldn't think anything of it'??

Unless he knows that you also wouldn't think anything of it, then that's seriously bad stuff. The rest of your post is also pretty awful.

Reading other responses on here, it's clear that a lot of people wouldn't feel as strongly as my post above - fair enough (and I can relate to the wanting to catch up specifically with individual friends). However, once there's more than two people there, that kind of goes out of the window, and it's a meet up, not a personal catch-up.

Yes, it's odd he didn't want you there.
If he knew you were upset, that's pretty bad.

Coping mechanisms: for today, get out there and do something. Either talk it through with a friend who knows him, or get out and do something which takes your mind off it. And no, don't call him. When he calls, tell him you've seen a very different side to what you thought he considered a good working relationship and tell him you need time to think about that.

SanityClause · 25/05/2015 10:29

I think it's weird that he didn't want to introduce you to his old friends, of either sex, frankly, particularly as you have been together for two years.

I mean, I would've thought they would spend some time, just the three of them, then you would come the next day, or something like that.

But your DP knew you were unhappy about it, and he did it anyway. Does it really matter if they slept together, or not? Where is he putting you, in his list of priorities?

Lacoba66 · 25/05/2015 10:32

OP, sorry but you quite clearly don't "trust him completely" ( and for what it's worth I think 99% is enough to give-but then I may just be a bit cynical)

I'm curious to know that, you say that you have been together for nearly 2 years, but is this the first time that they had arranged to meet? Is she someone that he has spoken about much in the past 2 years?.

I 'get' that they may want to reminisce about the good ole days, but if you are an important part of his life, then surely an introduction would not have been unreasonable, even if it was the following day.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 25/05/2015 10:34

This is one of those that if it were gender reversed he'd be called abusive and controlling..."you don't even live together and he's going mad at you because you won't bring him to meet old friends he doesn't know? Run away!"
Why is it acceptable for women to control mens friendships and behaviour but not the other way around?

Lavenderice · 25/05/2015 10:36

I think you're being ridiculous. You're stamping your feet because he wanted to have a catch up with friends he used to live with, they probably spent all night talking about 'old times' and you would have been bored stupid. Then you immediately think that because one friend can't come he automatically jumps in bed with the other.

badbaldingballerina123 · 25/05/2015 10:37

There's no point saying you trust him completely if you don't. In the circumstances you describe , I wouldn't trust him either.

Lavenderice · 25/05/2015 10:37

Exactly Winterofourdiscounttents15

MrsNextDoor · 25/05/2015 10:39

I think it's fine to go out with friends alone....my DH and I do. But as you'd never met them, this was....or should have been...the ideal time to introduce you.

I wouldn't like that either. When DH and I first met, he introduced me to all of his mates in turn....and I did the same...on nights out generally.

SanityClause · 25/05/2015 10:48

Where did the OP say she "went mad" about not being invited? She said she was upset! She wasn't controlling. She acknowledged that she has no choice ie, that she couldn't control his actions.

I should imagine DH would be a bit upset if I had friends I didn't want him to meet. He might then decide they weren't his cup of tea, in which case, he probably wouldn't see them much, after, so I would usually see them on my own. Or they might all get along like a house on fire, which could only be good.