Friend (woman) stayed at DP's house?

[PinkPearlClutcher]

My DP and I live a few hours apart right now. This weekend he had arranged for a couple of old friends (man and woman) to come up Sunday night for a night out. He asked whether I minded it being just them as I've never met them and he wants to catch up properly. I was a bit pissed off but agreed.

Then yesterday afternoon it turns up the man couldn't come so woman was coming on her own. For the record I have no doubts that this was a last minute change and not pre-arranged. But I'm so upset and angry about it! I just feel like Ive been kicked out for another woman to come and stay!

I know I'm probably being jealous and controlling and I'm trying not to be, so I made it clear I was upset but didn't make a big fuss. But today I've woken up alone at my house, and I HATE the fact she's there at his house.

Would you have let this happen? Would you be ok with it? And how on earth do I get over it and stop feeling so resentful?

Ok but your OP is titled 'friend (woman) stayed at DP's house'.

You need to have a good think about what is really bothering you and either make your peace with it or have a chat with him.

As I've said, I would leave it because it doesn't sound to me like he's done anything wrong or tried to mislead you in any way.

She told him she was pissed off but agreed to it...as if she has any right to agree or disagree. Says a lot. She "made it clear she was upset", and now she's fuming and ranting here.

Seriously, you bring your husbands along with you anywhere? To meet old friends he has nothing in common with, work colleagues, mum and baby group buddies etc etc? I don't believe you. And if you had a friend who did that, you;d think it was weird and that he wouldn't let her out without him.

If he's your partner, why is he having another woman to go out with and stay in his house? Old friend or not, that doesn't sound as if he views you as a partner.

If he'll put you off, tell you not to come because he's with them/her, he's demonstrating as clearly as he can that he values them more, and that you don't rate very highly with him.

It all depends on the nature of your relationship, doesn't it? You think of him as your 'partner', someone you are sharing life with, so when something like this happens, you feel uncomfortable. He thinks of you as his 'girlfriend', someone he knows and spends some time with, and he's not uncomfortable with putting you aside when he wants to.

I would be wondering how close the relationship with these friends was when they all lived together. Was it more than a friendship at times, particularly as your BF would think nothing of sharing a bed with this woman?

You say that you were not allowed to stay, so he really, really didn't want you there. I presume that means quite a gap before you see him again.

I wouldn't be happy either.

I don't see a problem sorry. People are allowed friends of a different gender to themselves without it being anything sinister. how would you feel of you couldnt see your friends without your dp because he was convinced you'd be cheating. wouldn't you feel controlled and suffocated?

The dp "let" the woman go visit so her husband trusts her.

You don't get to dictate who your partners see. and he's been totally honest.

tbh if I was planning to see a friend and had to fork out fir a hotel when said friend has a perfectly good spare bed or sofa based on a strangers bonkers ideas of my intentions I'd be really pissed off.

If he's your partner, why is he having another woman to go out with and stay in his house?

Because that woman is his friend. He was going out with his friend. He was having his friend to stay. Nothing to do with his relationship with his partner.

Also, with regards to him not wanting you there, I kind of get that tbh. friends have their own in jokes and a life before they met partners. at a social gathering it's fine you make small talk and mingle. but it is very very hard to properly catch up and laugh about the old days when you have to constantly explain stuff to people or ensure they are getting involved in the conversation.

The OP has not said that the friends are a couple.

There is also the possibility he didn't want the OP there as she has jealousy issues and might not be very nice to the woman in question?

yy walter

it's very awkward talking to friends when the OH is sat there practically pissing up their leg.

winter

sorry

You don't live together so surely you do things by yourself at times? Why shouldn't he be allowed to see friends without you always being present?

Like another poster has said, if a man controls his wife he is called all sorts yet some women seem to think it's ok the other way round.

Let him enjoy time with his old friends, you don't have to be included in everything he does.

Why do some people think that being in a relationship suddenly makes you able to dictate who people can be friends with? All this talk of 'allowing' people to do things, and "cards being marked" sounds completely exhausting.

If any partner, live in or not, tried to tell me I had to include them in any social occasion I would be mighty pissed off.
However the fact that he might have had her in his bed and think nothing of it would be unacceptable.

OP, you do realise that you are in danger of not being a "cool" girlfriend here.

OP he's entitled to have female friends y'know?

I don't see any problem in what has happened, especially if they are are old friends. You boyfriend has been honest and open with you. What's wrong with him having visitors?

Catmaze I don't know about being 'cool' but I know I wouldn't stand for someone telling me who I could and couldn't have visiting my house.

Hmm, something just doesn't quite add up on this one. I just don't buy that there was ever an 'other male friend' in this mix to begin with.

I agree with Turnip.

I'm sorry that you're upset OP, I think this is going to upset you more but I'll try to couch it gently.

You say you've been 'with your DP for 2 years' but what does that really mean? For example, my friend had an affair going on for well over 2 years... it doesn't mean that she was 'with him' for 2 years though. The point I'm making is that you don't live together, presumably don't spend that much time together and have a long-distance relationship, albeit you met his friends presumably when you were last at his place.

I know people use the term 'DP' for their relationships as a shorthand but I think sometimes it can distort the nature of the relationship completely.

To me, it sounds like a boyfriend that you've been seeing on and off for 2 years. If that is the case then really, you have a much looser relationship than you think/want to have. Under those circumstances then you really have no business dictating when and where he sees his friends, with or without you.

I can see why it's difficult for you but perhaps this is not the relationship for you. Jealousy and mistrust will kill it - and I think that wouldn't change if you live together/move closer to each other.

But they don't live together, don't see each other all the time - he has AMPLE time to meet up with and shag whomever he wants to so why would he even have needed to mention this couple if it was just a ruse to see this woman?

I think some posters are projecting their own, possibly more partner-stable circumstances and using those as some kind of 'gauge' for OP's situation. How is that helpful?

Because he didn't want her to visit that weekend and he needed a reason, he's got to tell her something. And if he tells her upfront he feels less like he's doing something on the sly.

I don't agree that you can't set the terms for your own relationship. OP may be happy to have a LD relationship but not for him to be seeing women when she's specifically uninvited. That's up to her.

You're being ridiculous. You've gone from saying you trust him to he might have shared a bed together.

I see friends on my own and so does DH, it's no big deal.

How do you know that, Twinklestein? You don't, do you? None of us do, including OP.

How much time has OP spent with this man over the two years?