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Relationships

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Original poster

Friend (woman) stayed at DP's house?

68 replies

PinkPearlClutcher · 25/05/2015 09:30

My DP and I live a few hours apart right now. This weekend he had arranged for a couple of old friends (man and woman) to come up Sunday night for a night out. He asked whether I minded it being just them as I've never met them and he wants to catch up properly. I was a bit pissed off but agreed.

Then yesterday afternoon it turns up the man couldn't come so woman was coming on her own. For the record I have no doubts that this was a last minute change and not pre-arranged. But I'm so upset and angry about it! I just feel like Ive been kicked out for another woman to come and stay!

I know I'm probably being jealous and controlling and I'm trying not to be, so I made it clear I was upset but didn't make a big fuss. But today I've woken up alone at my house, and I HATE the fact she's there at his house.

Would you have let this happen? Would you be ok with it? And how on earth do I get over it and stop feeling so resentful?

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 25/05/2015 13:19

Eh? I have not said I know anything, we're all speculating. I would have thought you would be aware of that.

You asked 'why would he even have needed to mention this couple if it was just a ruse to see this woman?' And I answered.

NotDavidTennant · 25/05/2015 13:21

There are people who would, if invited to a reunion of old uni friends, insist on taking their partners along? How bizarre.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/05/2015 13:22

You said, "Because he didn't want her to visit that weekend and needed a reason, he's got to tell her something. And if he tells her upfront he feels less like he's doing something on the sly"

That's really not speculating, it's stating something as 'fact' when it isn't.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/05/2015 13:24

That's not bizarre, NotDavidTennant, anymore than it would be if I had a reunion with old uni friends and didn't take my husband along. He wouldn't know them and would be bored.

I find it a bit more unusual to take partners along when the meet-up isn't with friends that he'd know/would want to meet because they're ongoing friends of mind.

Twinklestein · 25/05/2015 13:26

Eh? As I've already said, you asked the question 'why would he do x' to which I answered 'Because y'.

It's a hypothesis not a statement of fact.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/05/2015 13:32

... fair enough, Twinklestein.

ceecee32 · 25/05/2015 13:47

Back in the day, when I was in the Army and for a while the only female in the squadron I became firm friends with some of the blokes and felt for a time as if I had tons of big brothers.

I am now part of a group of 4 who organise a reunion (4 blokes and me), the reunion is for partners but a couple of times a year we meet up and stay at each others houses as it saves on hotel fees.

I have never felt any inkling to sleep with any of them - there is a saying that I got from my time in the forces - you don't sh*g your mates.

One of the blokes partners hates it, they don't live together but she always finds a reason to turn up. I can probably understand why but it completely changes the dynamics of our group and we can't behave as we would normally always having to explain long running (25 year old) jokes. Talking about people who she has no idea who they are.

Although its not my problem I just wish that she could trust him enough for us to have our time together, to discuss the old days, twice a year

shirleybasseyslovechild · 25/05/2015 14:06

what winter says.

Original poster

PinkPearlClutcher · 25/05/2015 15:53

Okay, so lots of conflicting opinions. Some helpful, some quite ridiculous.

For those interested, we are in a very stable relationship of two years, we dated for 6 months prior to that. Certainly not 'on and off', no idea where that came from

We see each other every weekend, and he will be moving back here at some point, and we plan to buy a house together.

I do trust him, I don't for one minute think anythings happened, I'm just upset I was spevifically not invited - I suppose the major issue is wondering why? Is he embarrassed of me? Does he think we won't get along? Or as others suggested, perhaps they just wanted to catch up by themselves.

He's met up with her for a drink once in the two years we've been together, but they text every so often. I have no problem with that.

The sleeping in the same bed, I can see my partner doing that and seeing it as a non-issue. He's shared beds with male friends, he'd see it as the same thing. For me, that's a boundary crossed. I don't know how to ask without seeming a bit crazy though.

OP posts:

Lweji · 25/05/2015 16:19

Sorry, but it sounds like you don't trust him and somewhat controlling as well.

Would you have let this happen?

It's not up to you to let or not let it happen.

You can choose to walk away if you don't trust him, though.

Do you spend every weekend together? Personally, I'd probably have enjoyed a weekend for myself instead.
If you don't normally spend every weekend at his, are you only annoyed that she is there and not you? Would you be upset if it had been a male friend?

It sounds like they wouldn't have a lot of time together. Perhaps if they were coming for longer, then he'd be happy for you to be there as well?

Worst case scenario, they have a fuck buddies thing going on, and you are right not to trust him. In that case, leave him, don't try to control him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/05/2015 16:45

OP... that would have been helpful information to include at the start really. It's quite a drip feed.

Why are you so bothered that he didn't want you to be there with his uni friends? You see each other every weekend and this was just one, not a regular thing.

Why are you on about him sharing a bed when you don't even know that he did? I don't think you do trust him, not if that's the conclusion you came to without grounds for it.

You do sound controlling and a bit needy.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 25/05/2015 17:17

You keep insisting you trust him but your actions and feelings say different. You wouldn't have such a problem with her being there if you didn't think something might happen between them.

The other issue is you can't make everything he does be about you. He wants to see his friends without you. Thats normal behavior. You are just making it be all about you. Thats not.

Jengnr · 25/05/2015 17:36

He wanted a night with his mates instead of his partner. That's not a bad thing - it's not healthy to be living in each others' pockets. You've got a problem with this mate being a woman - only you can decide if that's something you can square in your head.

I don't think he's done anything wrong though.

Norest · 25/05/2015 17:44

I have a friend who I only see rarely because we live so far apart. We have the sort of friendship where it is just lovely to be 'just us' for a night or two, get some proper quality time together.

One time a partner of mine forced their way into our weekend, despite initially seeming to respect it (think partner showed up out of the blue pretty much, with a friend in tow!! on the pretext they were going off elsewhere and only popping in to say hi. they were here for most of the weekend!!) and it really changed the tone of our interaction. We both regretted not putting our foot down over having that QT just us, and have ensured that since then we are firmer. We have to travel over five hours to get to each other and only do this twice a year so if our respective partners (I have a different one now thankfully!!) can't respect that then i think they are bieng a bit unreasonable.

It has nothing to do with not wanting my partner to meet or spend time with my mate btw, just that we only get those two visits per year and it's lovely just us for once.

ImperialBlether · 25/05/2015 17:55

I would be insulted too, OP. You are his partner and they're his friends. Are you never to meet, then? If he and you buy a house, will he never see them when he's with you? I could understand him saying that you might not enjoy it much because they'll be talking about old times, but to tell you to stay away? That would piss me off.

CotswoldQueen · 25/05/2015 18:28

I can see where you're coming from OP.

No, he technically hasn't done anything wrong but I too would feel hurt because you HAVENT met them. It would be different if you'd already met them and he just fancied a night with them, but the fact that you haven't met them after 2 years, you have an opportunity to and you still weren't invited, I can see why that would hurt. Like another poster has said, are you just never to meet them?! What about when you two buy a house together, is he going to ask you to leave the house for the weekend so he can have his mates around?!

No, I'd be peed off too but I would never say anything.

Twinklestein · 25/05/2015 18:55

I agree with Cotswold - I think it makes all the difference that you haven't met them.

If you were living together and you'd met them then it would be totally fine that he wanted catch up time with his mates.

But the fact that:

a) you only see each other at weekends so you've sacrificed a half of the time you get together, and you won't see him for another week

b) you've never met them so you'd think he'd want to introduce you

makes it rude.

The normal way to deal with it would be to say he'd like you to meet his friends, but he's worried you might get a bit bored if they catch up about people you don't know?

Which makes me wonder if there's more to it and whether the guy was ever actually coming.

It is a bit odd to spend an evening with another woman that you're specifically uninvited to.

If you're not happy about it then say something.

SuperFlyHigh · 25/05/2015 19:11

I go from on the one hand as thinking you're being insecure and distrustful of your partner especially as on the one hand you say your relationship is secure and you're thinking of buying a house together.

However on the other hand I don't think there is any reason for platonic friends to share a bed together. Your OH could sleep on the sofa etc…

I only say this because years before I used to sleep in the same bed as a platonic friend which was fine at the time as he often lived in shared houses and me sleeping on the sofa or him would've been a bit strange.

When I had a boyfriend though quite rightly he wasn't happy about us sharing a bed from then onwards (and probably before), he was proved right as a few years after I did end up dating the platonic friend.

This is just my thoughts though…

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