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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just stormed out & i feel sad but relieved

43 replies

totallybaffledwhy · 24/05/2015 22:01

Been with my DP 18m, both seperated, he has MH issues (long standing). Things were great in the beginning, we were so good for each other, having been through horrible break ups. However since Christmas he has been slipping away from me. He has history of depression & kept saying he was slipping back, constantly not well etc. The last few weeks have been awful culminating in this evening: happily watching tv then he suddenly had a turn. Kept asking what was wrong & he turned on me 'for having a go at him for being ill'. He swore at me & has just stormed out of my house. I'm feeling a mixture of real saddness that this is the end, but slightly relieved because I've been treading on egg shells fir last few weeks. Please hold my hand & tell me I'll be ok??? I feel a total failure.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 24/05/2015 22:02

Why do you feel a failure? Are you a qualified psychotherapist?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 24/05/2015 22:02

You're not a failure, treading on eggshells is no way to live. Onwards and upwards x

YouMeddlingKids · 24/05/2015 22:04

Two things OP: 1) you're not a failure, and 2) it probably won't be the end and he'll probably be back (explaining why its your fault that he stormed out). Please try to remember that sense of relief and use it to end the relationship, life is too short to be treading on egg shells with your partner.

TheoriginalLEM · 24/05/2015 22:04

It was never your job to fix him. Hopefully he will be able to do that for himself. Its ok to feel sad, but please dont feel guilty.

Original poster
totallybaffledwhy · 24/05/2015 22:05

No definitely not a psychtherapist! But yes, definitely feel like I've been more of a carer than DP recently. I feel like a failure because I'm in my 40s, divorced & now feel like I've list the one person who I thought understood me. And i thought he wanted me too. Seems like depression is a very destructive illness.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 24/05/2015 22:07

How are you a failure because of his issues?

gamerchick · 24/05/2015 22:08

Being with someone should compliment you.. Life is too short to hold someone up so early on in.

Hold on to the relief your feeling and move on.

Original poster
totallybaffledwhy · 24/05/2015 22:09

I know you are right. His issues (many!) are not my problem, but in the last few months I've made the classic error of trying to 'fix' him & taking his problems on my shoulders. I need to be strong & stop this.

OP posts:
FastWindow · 24/05/2015 22:10

It doesn't sound like the end, unless he's taken all his things. Times might be tough for you for a while - do you have it in you to decide what's best for you, rather than him? Eggshells is no way to exist. Sorry - sounds like you went from one disaster to another, with the best will in the world.

Before I come across as glib- I wouldn't post if I hadn't been there. No easy answer.

Original poster
totallybaffledwhy · 24/05/2015 22:13

You don't sound glib Fast, i appreciate your comments. What did you do? Did you walk away or did things work out?

OP posts:
Original poster
totallybaffledwhy · 24/05/2015 22:47

Bump. That horrible empty feeling sick feeling is kicking in... I don't even know if he's ok :(

OP posts:
FastWindow · 24/05/2015 23:09

Depends which mistake... I variously walked, ran, hid... One was so hideous towards me I ran and hid. 23 though, no mortgage, kids, ties. Thank god.

Ultimately it had to be a conscious choice, is it worth saving? I understand that you are worried, that makes you a good human. But he is an adult, and NOT your responsibility. If you can let that bit go, you'll see only you matter. Sounds harsh. But you matter. If he works it out, then good luck. But leave him be to work it out.?

Original poster
totallybaffledwhy · 24/05/2015 23:12

Thanks Fast. I will definitely leave him be, though it's taken every ounce of willpower not to call or text him. I'm so worried about him - but you are right, he's an adult & i can't be responsible for his behaviour.

OP posts:
FastWindow · 24/05/2015 23:18

The main reason why you shouldn't text/ call is that then, you will be actually MORE worried if he doesn't answer. That way a very bad nights sleep lies.

Let him contact you. I assume words were said as he stormed.

FastWindow · 24/05/2015 23:19

It's hard when you love them. Sorry.

Original poster
totallybaffledwhy · 24/05/2015 23:23

Words were said, mostly by him saying how much i fucking annoyed him for 'having a go' at him for not feeling well. He said 'jyst because it's not convenient for you that i don't feel well '??? I asked him not to go, told him i wanted him to stay but he was having none of it. I just don't know what to think/do.

OP posts:
FastWindow · 24/05/2015 23:45

Well, in your place I would be needlessly fretting... But in the morning, things are clearer. Go to bed, get some rest, and give him the space he's asked for by storming. Im guessing he hasn't made any contact? Do yourself the favour he is affording himself and put it away for tonight. This argument will keep until after breakfast.

Original poster
totallybaffledwhy · 24/05/2015 23:50

No, no contact. I'm trying to sleep but can't. Going through all the scenarios for tomorrow. What if i don't hear anything? If i do should I express my hurt & anger or be sympathetic? It's always about him you see, never about how he makes me feel with his behaviour. Thanks for your support though. I really appreciate it x

OP posts:
FastWindow · 25/05/2015 00:42

Be neutral, feel (or try to feel) neutral. Detach emotionally. Try to see the whole thing from your best friends POV. Most of all, Detach. My best advice - give it a clear two weeks and let the fog lift. You'll feel more powerful, trust me.

Laladeepsouth · 25/05/2015 01:45

That momentary feeling of relief you felt is really the key. When you feel that, it really needs to be over. I agree with the other posters: give yourself some time to think through your situation.

faitaccompli · 25/05/2015 12:52

If you can, you need to walk away from this as it is damaging you and not helping him either.

He will be back - I would put money on it. You don't need to live your life like this. You are better off on your own than being put through this scenario over and over again. And, believe me, it WILL be over and over again. Do you want this pain on and off for the rest of your life? If not, then tell him that he left and is not welcomed back.

It will be hard - particularly if he has all his belongings there. Pack them up for him, so he knows you are serious.

If you decide you still want him, then still pack the bags - and tell him that they are being kept packed ready for the next time he storms out.

You cannot fix him. That will be his doctor and medication that will fix him. And it is likely to be a temporary fix. He is showing you who he is and what it will be like to spend time with him. Don't ignore what he is telling you. It WILL get worse.

Original poster
totallybaffledwhy · 25/05/2015 15:54

Thanks faita. I know you are right. I've seen it a few times over the last 3 months & each time it's worse. He called me this morning saying how HE felt better & all the things HE was going to do today. When i told him how sad he had made me all he said was "yes i know, don't think i hadn't noticed'. No apologies. WTAF????

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 25/05/2015 16:01

He's very self absorbed isn't he. Did he enquire as to how you were?

Hissy · 25/05/2015 16:27

Seriously? You are on a hiding to nothing, he sounds very unpleasant when depressed, or possibly, this IS who he is, nothing to do with depression. Back WAAAAAAY off for your own protection, and it'll encourage him to get himself some help.

You are probably best cutting your losses, as I have a feeling that this is the beginning of a very unpleasant behaviour pattern that will do you serious damage emotionally. The timescale is right for an abusers stripes to start to show, be in your guard, ONE more day like this and he needs to be GONE.m

Hissy · 25/05/2015 16:30

Oh and I have been depressed, survived suicide too, not once was I nasty like your P, and certainly would have fallen over myself to apologise to you.

My ex, who turned out to be abusive however would brood and brew his mood and then blow and yes, all my fault