He just stormed out & i feel sad but relieved

[totallybaffledwhy]

Been with my DP 18m, both seperated, he has MH issues (long standing). Things were great in the beginning, we were so good for each other, having been through horrible break ups. However since Christmas he has been slipping away from me. He has history of depression & kept saying he was slipping back, constantly not well etc. The last few weeks have been awful culminating in this evening: happily watching tv then he suddenly had a turn. Kept asking what was wrong & he turned on me 'for having a go at him for being ill'. He swore at me & has just stormed out of my house. I'm feeling a mixture of real saddness that this is the end, but slightly relieved because I've been treading on egg shells fir last few weeks. Please hold my hand & tell me I'll be ok??? I feel a total failure.

[Hissy]

Just end it. Tell him you don't like how he treats you, that it's definitively over and that you don't want further contact.

[AnyFucker]

Do what suits you best

you don't owe him any lessons in how to be a decent human being

[wallaby73]

It's called minimising......how can you call him to account if it never really happened? (As he is now indicating by his behaviour....) he's trying to knock you back into line. If you want months and years of more game playing and emotional turmoil, well he's clearly ready and waiting for you. However, I think you know you deserve a lot better than this.....and you have the power of choice here too you know....

[totallybaffledwhy]

Goodness think I'm a bit scared about what to expect! As predicted he called today, STILL no reference to Sunday night, no acknowledgment or apology. It's like it never happened.

if i do see him again to give things back etc what should my strategy be? Just tell him it's over & walk away? Tell him why? Let him know how much his behaviour hurts? Tell him he's totally f*ed up??? Don't know what is best!

[wallaby73]

OP, anyfucker speaks the truth......stand firm!

[AnyFucker]

batten down the hatches, love

when the "breezy just getting on with it" tactic doesn't work, then he will switch to the Charm Offensive

if you manage to withstand that, he will turn nasty again

mark my words

[Hissy]

agreed, expect revised tactics.

you are at war now love, but he can't know that you know this. do not budge an inch.

[Hissy]

MANY abusers go to the docs to get a diagnosis/medication so they can play the depression card, they don't take the meds though.

having been on ADs myself, I understand, IME the side effects are hideous, if you don't need to take them, you seriously wouldn't. In my case they didn't work anyway, not past a few weeks anyway no matter which one I tried. Interesting he says it affects his behaviour... what makes him NICER? :)

They are all so lovely because that is what they want you to believe - they pour love and attention that they want back - but only for them. they don't want you to have it, it is merely about what they need. to begin with this bouncing off of attention/affection is enough, as they are so starved, but like any drug, they need more and more.

It gets harder and harder for them to maintain the nice, because the nice is not natural.

this is why you need a good 2 years to see who someone really is.

Any one of us would be mortified at the situation, and would be falling over themselves to find out the status quo. If this were a neighbour even, you'd pop round and apologise and give them some satisfaction as to why you'd behaved the way you did, you would perhaps even try to justify it, what you wouldn't do is sulk and blame them, not when you have had a chance to reflect. Depression is anger turned inwards, it is insecurity and directed at self, yes you can lash out when frightened, but the thought of someone hating you more than you hate yourself is unbearable.

IME anyway.

[wallaby73]

Totally - you are doing so well. Please be on your guard "talking" to him; to him you haven't behaved as he expected you would, so be prepared for him to try reeling you in or manipulating you further to get you "back into line".....please be so very careful. Is there really any reason to see or speak tohim at all? You may play by decent and fair rules but he doesn't....

[totallybaffledwhy]

Goddess & Wallaby- thanks for your posts. They have really been the wake up call i need. I hadn't thought of it as a cue to see how i would react. He would be expecting me to chase after him. Thank goodness i haven't. I am expecting a call today as he has his dcs & will probably want me & mine to join them. But i won't as i need to talk to him away from dcs. I'm intrigued as to whether it's a conscious thing when men do this, or whether it's just innate behaviour. And how can they be so lovely in the beginning? God, will i ever find a decent man? I honestly thought he was it, i really did.

flabulous- he is currently not on meds - is totally refusing to go back onto them as (bizarrely!) he said it affects his behaviour...!

[FlabulousChix]

Is he getting treatment!? It is treatable with the right medication.

[wallaby73]

OP it strikes me that this is an absolute critical moment - he has just really let his mask slip and shown you what he is capable of, and he is now closely watching how you react to this to size up whether you "fit" , just how far he can manipulate you, basically he is sizing you up as his next "woman to abuse". Please do not let it be you; you have done so well not to respond, he is banking on your kindness, decency and vulnerability to come chasing after him, for him it's then "let the games commence" please for your sake and your children's, don't let him back in your lives

[goddessofsmallthings]

He's not only told you who he is - he's shown you.

It's time to bin him, honey, and let long-term relief at being free of his moods flood over you - after being weighted down by his problems, you should feel light as a feather at the prospect of having only yourself and your dcs to please.

[totallybaffledwhy]

Well it's nearly 24 hours on & he hasn't been round to apologize... I've got a banging headache, I'm sore all over & it's taking all my strength to hold it together for my kids. I am proud that i haven't called him tho (despite wanting to every minute!). I've just read the abuser profile thread & WOW what a read. A mixture of mr sensitive & mr depressed i think. Made me shudder reading it, it's such an accurate description...

[Hissy]

Meant to say, I'm no expert either, but having had full blown depression AND an abusive partner, there COULD be signs that this is not as he's telling you.

Many male abusers cite depression as an excuse/carte Blanche to abuse, I could be wrong of course, but if you gain some space/distance, you should be able to see the wood from the trees.

Depression or not, you don't have to be in a relationship that makes you miserable. And most definitely NOT A failure of yours love.

[Hissy]

Give yourself some space love, you'll see better then what the situation really is. (((Hug)))

[totallybaffledwhy]

Lots of food for thought. I've been through EA & divorced once before. It's difficult to tell whether it is depression or not as im not an expert. No didn't ask how i was, nor did he want to come & make amends right away. I would be falling over myself to make sure someone i had hurt like this was ok. Guess that tells me all i need to know... Thanks for all the really helpful replies.

[Hissy]

He's escalating. I don't think this is depression love, sorry.

[Hissy]

Oh and I have been depressed, survived suicide too, not once was I nasty like your P, and certainly would have fallen over myself to apologise to you.

My ex, who turned out to be abusive however would brood and brew his mood and then blow and yes, all my fault

[Hissy]

Seriously? You are on a hiding to nothing, he sounds very unpleasant when depressed, or possibly, this IS who he is, nothing to do with depression. Back WAAAAAAY off for your own protection, and it'll encourage him to get himself some help.

You are probably best cutting your losses, as I have a feeling that this is the beginning of a very unpleasant behaviour pattern that will do you serious damage emotionally. The timescale is right for an abusers stripes to start to show, be in your guard, ONE more day like this and he needs to be GONE.m

[RubbishMantra]

He's very self absorbed isn't he. Did he enquire as to how you were?

[totallybaffledwhy]

Thanks faita. I know you are right. I've seen it a few times over the last 3 months & each time it's worse. He called me this morning saying how HE felt better & all the things HE was going to do today. When i told him how sad he had made me all he said was "yes i know, don't think i hadn't noticed'. No apologies. WTAF????

[faitaccompli]

If you can, you need to walk away from this as it is damaging you and not helping him either.

He will be back - I would put money on it. You don't need to live your life like this. You are better off on your own than being put through this scenario over and over again. And, believe me, it WILL be over and over again. Do you want this pain on and off for the rest of your life? If not, then tell him that he left and is not welcomed back.

It will be hard - particularly if he has all his belongings there. Pack them up for him, so he knows you are serious.

If you decide you still want him, then still pack the bags - and tell him that they are being kept packed ready for the next time he storms out.

You cannot fix him. That will be his doctor and medication that will fix him. And it is likely to be a temporary fix. He is showing you who he is and what it will be like to spend time with him. Don't ignore what he is telling you. It WILL get worse.

[Laladeepsouth]

That momentary feeling of relief you felt is really the key. When you feel that, it really needs to be over. I agree with the other posters: give yourself some time to think through your situation.

[FastWindow]

Be neutral, feel (or try to feel) neutral. Detach emotionally. Try to see the whole thing from your best friends POV. Most of all, Detach. My best advice - give it a clear two weeks and let the fog lift. You'll feel more powerful, trust me.