Straw poll - is it healthy to check a DP's phone?

[hannah0030]

Interested in the consensus on checking a DP's phone? I've got friends that say it spells the end of a relationship because it's a sign of no trust, and also friends that say it's completely fine, they don't think their DP is being unfaithful, they're just nosy and like to see how their DP interacts with friends etc. Thoughts? And do you think it's different for younger generations?

I looked through my ex's computer for the first time after 13 years. I didn't have any concrete reason to do so, but a strong feeling that he was lying about something.
He sure was; I found pictures and videos of him fucking prostitutes, lengthy Skype messages sexting a 20 yr old Bulgarian lass, Skype messages pressuring one of his female employees (again, early 20s) to send him pics, emails to 20yr old Tasmanians of him wanking, his interactions on dogging and swinging sites.
So glad I checked as it gave me an escape route from a thoroughly miserable time in my life.

He did of course, whine that it was all my fault as;

1. I told him I was leaving - he would have stayed.
2. I was 'jealous' and if I had just not been, then he would have continued fucking around happily without any need for us to split up (!).' It wasn't his infidelity, you understand, it was my inability to accept it.

Took me two weeks to leave the git - would I invade a partner's privacy again? Absolutely.

The naivety of women who say 'I would just ask him, and trust him' is hilarious; not many lying weasels say 'oh, yes, I am a cheating, lying bastard and maybe we should split up, now you ask'.

Nope.
You've described a very extreme example there, Loves
However, for me and dh, I think if privacy was breached on either side it would be a deal breaker. Dh and I would never check each other's phones unless there was an emergency.
I'm convinced that part of the reason we've lasted so long is our respect for each other's privacy.

I know two men well, bith having long term affairs, both with doting wives. They occasionally may feel suspicious of their oh behaviour, i dont know. They may feel the need to check their husbands phones. It wouldnt matter as bith of them have two phones. One is left in car over night only
Used at work or when working away.

I wouldn't and don't check my husband's phone as a matter of routine, no interest, privacy and so on.

If his behaviour changed, say he started taking it everywhere, wasn't openly leaving it lying around (losing), or he started behaving suspiciously, it would be the first place I would check!

I posted that I had done just this a few weeks ago. Why did I do it.... New Facebook account, secretive, trips away etc....turns out lots of new "platonic" female friends. I guess a bit like an earlier post I think inappropriate he thinks fine.

I've been married nearly 20 years and realtionships are dynamic. Am I right.... Of course not. I would have been so confident in my condemnation of anyone doing this 5years ago.

The argument has now boiled down to me snooping rather than him sending over familiar messages to girls from school asking them to meet him. I do wobble as I know that I am wrong. He has not crossed any line allegedly.

Okay, so the general consensus is that it is wrong to check, but like love pointed out, most men will deny, deny, deny.

So, do you finish the r'ship, forever thinking that your intuition could be wrong? Or do you find enough evidence to make an informed decision on what you want to do?

It's the not knowing that drives you crazy.

We have no privacy with phones - we use each other's and we have both flicked through messages and emails without permission if we are looking for something we need like info or contacts. Being so open means we do not need to snoop.

the trust argument works both ways doesn't it?

This. All those people who say "Eeuw! No! Relationship would be over straight away!" If they genuinely mean this, they clearly place their right to keep things from their partner over & above that partner's convenience or, potentially, emotional security. I'm less nosy than I should be, but I would still never trust anyone who was that keen to keep themselves locked down.

My exes read my journals, which I found extremely invasive - these were 'thought diaries'. As regards my appointment diaries, I bloody expected them to read those, or how would they know when I was free? If I had a partner now, I'd password protect my journals but they'd have access to everything else if they wanted it. If they over-used that access, I'd know something was up.

I think it's horrid to dismiss some of the very painful posts on here, where people have snooped due to feeling there were hidden problems in their relationships. It's weird to put a secrecy rule above everything.

Not healthy at all, whether it is from lack of trust or nosiness, we all need some privacy.