Straw poll - is it healthy to check a DP's phone?

[hannah0030]

Interested in the consensus on checking a DP's phone? I've got friends that say it spells the end of a relationship because it's a sign of no trust, and also friends that say it's completely fine, they don't think their DP is being unfaithful, they're just nosy and like to see how their DP interacts with friends etc. Thoughts? And do you think it's different for younger generations?

Oh just interested personally - I thought the MN consensus was that it wasn't healthy at all, and so was surprised when the consensus from my friends was that is was fine....asked my DP who said he wouldn't mind if I looked through his messages, which again I was surprised at!

"its not really that simple is it? either trust or leave..."

I think it is that simple, actually. I wouldn't want to be with somebody who I felt the need to check the phone of- if you see what I mean.

each to their own i guess. i'm not rushing to throw away a 20 year relationship that still has life in it and am still glad i checked

But checking their phone won't stop an affair. I personally couldn't stay with someone who felt the need to stray knowing there's the chance it could happen again, especially the long affairs. They hid it once and can hide it again. It would eat me up knowing that

No, definitely not.

I think it's an invasion of privacy. Not on. It's like going down someone's bag just wrong

I don't think that the the OP means checking your DP's phone if you're suspicious but checking it when you have no reason to. Seeing how they interact with friends etc isn't a reason IMHO.

No.

Definite no no for me

I dunno. I don't think it necessarily means The End, but it's not great is it. I made a deal with myself never to do it again because I have in the past and it's upset me and it's completely my own fault. He has a right to privacy as do I. So although I'm tempted every time I see it lying around simply because I'm a nosey mare, I never ever do it anymore because I don't feel good afterwards. I don't think he would ever cheat and anything aside from that is his business and none of mine, so I don't.

We're really open with phones, know each other's pass codes and DP has his fingerprint programmed into my phone. I sometimes respond to messages on his phone and we'll certainly use each other's if the others is low on battery. However, I'd never dream of sitting and looking through all his messages to see who he is communicating with and how. For us it's about trust, i trust gems not doing anything dodgy and he trusts I'll not read his personal messages and vice versa. But I guess it's easy to feel so comfortable if you have no reason to doubt the other person! Sorry for he ramble!

Not at all.

Completely unacceptable in our relationship.

Greaterthanthesumoftheparts- we also operate like this.

We will pick each other's phone up to ring/text mutual friends or family if that is the closest phone to us and will sit together using our phones. We are both very open with them, but purposely going through the one persons phone would be a definite no-no.

Very unhealthy and also meaningless in many cases.

I worked with a woman who had previously been cheated on so in her new relationship she had a rule that both of their phones were open to the other at any time.

A while later I was at a wedding where one male guest was ALL over most of the women there. Turned out to be colleagues new husband!. She probably still thinks he's not a cheat because he lets her check his 'phone at any time.

No, not healthy

Another couple who have the same swipe code and will read out texts if we're closer to the other persons phone while they are doing something.

But it would be utterly, utterly wrong to just check their phone in secret.

I can understand why some people feel driven to do so but at that stage, the invasion of privacy is probably the least of your problems.

It wouldn't even cross my mind - my partner knows my passcode but I don't think he's ever used it unless I asked him to, and until he upgraded to the latest phone with the fingerprint thing I had his too. I see messages pop up on his phone all the time and they are pretty much all about sport, or meeting people to watch sport - yawn!

We don't 'check' per se but have a very open phone/gadget/everything else policy. Nothing to hide, both know each other's passwords etc., etc., so if one of us wanted some information on the other one's phone/gadget it is there to be had.

DH is into having everything sync/being updated and all that nonsense so I let him get on with it, I often come downstairs to find some new operating system or app that he thought I might like installed - fine with me as I am not particularly interested in doing all that stuff. Our e-mail accounts are in the mail programme on every computer/laptop/ipad/phone we own.

I rarely look tbh but if I wanted to it is all there to be seen.

Not healthy. Weird weird weird.

Lavender - we have the same. The lock codes are the same on all phones / ipad for example so I absolutely could get anything I wanted from DH's phone. But not checking how he interacts with his mates!

I do. I'm nosy. I wouldn't give a toss if he did mine

Badgers!

That would piss me right off Badgers

In 30 years I have never felt the need to check my husband's phone or he mine. It probably helps that we have them just knocking around the house and neither is secretive with them. We even use each others sometimes. Oh, and we trust each other.

I suppose it may be very different if there were other reasons not to trust your partner, but I can't see any excuse to snoop without just cause.

No, not healthy at all
We are perfectly able to access each other's phone, computers etc, but it would never even occur to me to check through his messages - why on earth would I want to? He is allowed to have private conversations with his friends.