Straw poll - is it healthy to check a DP's phone?

[hannah0030]

Interested in the consensus on checking a DP's phone? I've got friends that say it spells the end of a relationship because it's a sign of no trust, and also friends that say it's completely fine, they don't think their DP is being unfaithful, they're just nosy and like to see how their DP interacts with friends etc. Thoughts? And do you think it's different for younger generations?

Once you start checking phones and facebook accounts etc you have either a) lost the plot and/or b) there is something very wrong with your relationship.

I wouldn't do it.

ask. if DP says ok, then go ahead. if not, no!

DP and I don't really have rules on this, but I assume we are both reasonable about it. I only access DP's emails if I am looking for logistical information (banking, trip details etc). I wouldn't ever read personal emails. that's just not right.

I would never expect to "check" a partners phone or vice versa. However I would think our relationship was in trouble if I wasn't able to use their phone if I wanted/needed too and I'd have no problem with a P ever picking my phone up/using it.

If my P was secretive with their phone I would want to know why.

Why would a trusting P not share their code with you - the trust argument works both ways doesn't it?

We use each others phones all the time, doesnt bother either of us. We have the same pass codes for phones/tablets etc aswell. We don't read each others messages though unless asked too.

I wouldn't want DH to check my phone so I wouldn't dream of checking his!

No , not healthy at all

Doesn't bother me or him.

Unfortunately I come with baggage and my DH has always known this but thought my insecurities were worth putting up with, so he wanted to be reassuring and help me heal.

If he'd minded, I'd never have learnt to trust again as quickly and we wouldn't now be 22 years into a wonderful relationship as is have self destructed it rather than risk the hurt again.

I'm very grateful my DH is an understanding and non-judgey person who just wants me to be happy and secure. He always understood I did what I did because it's what I needed to do, not because I enjoyed being a mess.

no

(DCs phones, yes, we are responsible for their safety and emotional well being - another adult's phone, never in a million years)

No way. We use each other's phone and I'd be totally happy with him reading anything on it or reading me text messages that arrive when he's checking the cricket scores but sneaky reading messages would be a massive lack of trust red flag.

If you feel the need to check your OHs phone then usually there is a lack of trust going on.

No. Never have, never will.

I don't personally have a problem with him checking my phone, but it's the underhand nature of it that is unhealthy. Even then, telling me he wants to check my phone is a bit controlling sounding.

My DH could grab my phone and read my messages if he wanted, but why would he felt he had to? Even though I'm okay with it, I can't think of a reason that's valid and indicative of a healthy relationship.

• Wanting to know what I'm up to? Why doesn't he ask? Did he think I'd like?
• Wanting to see how I interact with friends? Isn't that a bit parental? Why does how I am with friends matter to him (as long as I'm faithful that is).
• Not trusting me?

So sure, check my phone if you want, but we need to talk about why you think you need to.

I find it bizarre (reading on MN) how a DP will hand their phone to their OH for them to "check" it. How undignified it that in a relationship. Like the person is on a leash and, having been caught out, they are then giving the message they need to be checked up on, because they are incapable of being trustworthy.

If it gets to that stage, I would say the relationship is dead in the water.

I don't think being "nosey" is a valid reason to look at a person's mobile device. No different to opening someone's private correspondence and having a nose. Really disrespectful. Maybe they weren't taught boundaries as a child.

If I had the need to check a guys text and emails, I'd be calling time.

I find it bizarre (reading on MN) how a DP will hand their phone to their OH for them to "check" it. How undignified it that in a relationship.

I only see that happen when they've cheated and it's a bit late for them to be worried about dignity.

Like Lavender but I'm the syc person. We have shared calendars and email programs for us and preteens. Everyone can respond to everything. We both work in time sensitive jobs where responses need to be instantaneous.
We have both been cheated on too.

Some of you know my story. I checked. And was horrified by what I found and the result is game over.

By way of background I knew his pin for years and would never have looked - the fact I could meant I wouldn't. He changed his pin at the time his affair started and I was immediately suspicious and wanted to know what he was hiding. However I actually thought I was being paranoid.

When I finally figured out his code I looked because I wanted to put my mind at ease rather than trying to catch him out.

He has said that he wants to rebuild but his actions are not backing that up. I asked to see his phone the other day and he refused. That was the moment when I thought "I am done". He either has something to hide or his privacy matters more to him than my peace of mind.

Well, I must admit, I did at one point, check my ex-partner's phone, as I was suspicious that he was playing away & I was pregnant & hormonal (not that I'm using that as an excuse).

Understand that prior to checking, I did ask him numerous times if things were okay, as I had a hunch.

It turns out that he was having an affair with FIVE different women & it later came out in the wash that he had missed the birth of our child because he was with one of his 'women'.

I am not proud that I had to go Inspector Gadget on his ass but I am pleased that I was able to find out the truth without thinking I was losing the plot.

I am in a different relationship now & have never felt the need. In fact, it has never even crossed my mind

I think its OK if you have a genuine reason to be concerned, and have tried addressing it verbally to no avail. Its not healthy or OK to just have a nose though!

I know several people who would still be being used and walked all over if their suspicions hadn't led them to check in on their partners. It gave them the proof that something was going on, and they weren't just going crazy. It also gave them the strengthen to end an ultimately unequal relationship. So overall it depends on the circumstances I think.

Well said, FU. If I had not have checked, I would have blamed it on my hormones. And it's not like my ex was going to 'fess up any time soon.

And goodness knows what Hell I would still be in today :-)

I can't say that I'd mine my partner having a nose through my phone, to be honest. He knows the PIN and I'd be happy for him to have a bit of a look through my photos and texts if he wanted. Different kettle of fish though if he was demanding to look through my phone on regular occasions, or if he was doggedly/obsessively working his way through all the content on there.

As for me looking through his phone... well that's another matter as I have snooped in the past . I felt uneasy about his contact with an ex-girlfriend - I looked through his phone and found texts that I wasn't particularly happy about, although they did not point towards anything actually going on. I'd say they were verging on inappropriate (by my standards) but he (apparently) thought that he was just being friendly. We were able to have a talk about it and he has become more open with his phone, in order to put my mind at ease. I know the PIN and could access it if I wanted, but don't feel the need anymore. Although I'll sometimes pick it up if a text comes through and shout to him "there's a text from your mum/dad/friend/colleague etc."

Everyone's different and everyone is entitled to their privacy, but I'd say the problem comes when one person is fiercely protecting their phone, never lets it out of their sight, never lets their partner touch it, even. That would signal to me something more than just wanting privacy.

Sorry, massive post

its all about balance, when I was younger and holier than though I'd say "oh no you must never invade their privacy" etc. But I've seen and learnt a lot since then and its not as simple as that. I saw a funny meme on Fb the other day that said something like "relationships only lasted so long in the past because your grandma couldn't see that your grandad liked that bitch Maurine's picture on Fb and messages jean on Snapchat"

It's a terrible idea,and one that I've only seen advocated since I joined MN. If you've never thought it OK to read anyone's diary,why would you read a phone?

Well DH and I are both glad I did because it proved that my past with someone else wasn't my future with him. I learnt to trust again because of him.