please give me some hope/reassurance

[imskintandheismint]

I will try to keep this as short as possible. My bank balance is currently sitting at 110pounds overdrawn, tomorrow I am due to pay childcare fees, I will need to put petrol in the car to get to work, and entertain DS this weekend as it is my (one and only) weekend with him in the month. Other than milk I have enough food for meals to get through the next few days until I get working tax credits on Monday, but by which point I will be right back to square one...overdrawn. And so the cycle will continue

Exp has taken it upon himself to stop paying child maintenance, which is why things are so tight. He stopped paying around christmas, as I didn't agree to what he wanted and this is his way of controlling me. It always has been. I contacted CMS, they tracked him, made a calculation of 450pounds per month, but before the first payment was due he had already quit his job to ensure I didn't receive it (he had always warned me if i went to CMS he would do this, but had no other option as he wasn't paying anyway)

He is now claiming he is starting a business. Which has never been mentioned before in all the time I have known him but knowing him like I do, the sole motivation for becoming self employed is to avoid paying much/anything through CMS.

But my problem is this...if he was genuinely hard up financially, fine. Aren't we all. I'd accept that and make the most of what I have and focus on the positives. But this is a man of considerable wealth

On top of the very well paid job he had, he buys flats, renovates them himself, and then sells them on at a substantial profit. He has other flats which he owns and rents out. They are however undeclared to HMRC. HMO flats which he claims are non profit, and advertises on gumtree so can get away with saying he is not a landlord. (I have reported him numerous times since december, they have yet to catch up with him). And at court a few weeks ago, he stated that he wanted to take DS away on a skiing trip abroad at easter, for a 3 week holiday to spain in summer, then to disneyland florida in October. He wants DS to go to a fee paying school, yet also claims he is unable to pay child maintenance as he is no longer working

But I have no proof of this, other than the 3 flats which came up on a land registry search (which leads me to believe he has recently sold or transferred names on deeds of the other properties I know of)

Can he really get away with this forever? From what I have read on here, CMS are generally pretty useless. I was told on the phone that they can only go by what HMRC have on him, which is nothing, and may well be nothing for a while yet. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that he is doing this to DS. he is aware of my financial situation and could not care less. How dare he do this to DS

I can just about pay the bills, I get all the help I am entitled to, help with rent etc but my disposable income is zero, so after food petrol etc and all bills I have nothing. Exp wants this, he is narcissistic without a doubt, and sees this as a compitition, he wants to be the favourite parent who has all the cool stuff, all the latest gadgets, all the best holidays and for DS to then come back to me and have nothing. He is thoroughly enjoying this.

Is there ANYONE out there who has experienced similar but has managed to get child maintenance? When it come round to birthdays, christmas etc I'm snookered, it's not fair on DS

I have sent the additional income form with proof of the properties i found from the land registry search, and will do a further search to see who now owns the other properties, but he will fight tooth and nail to make sure I get nothing from him. Is there an appeals process for when it comes back as another nill assessment and will they really fight this cause? the last few days I have been sick with worry about what the future holds, it's looking fairly grim

I should also add, we are due to go to mediation, he wants to discuss cm there, but he wants it to be done based on my outgoings, he has asked to see all my bills, childcare etc and thinks it should go down next year when DS starts school as I'll no longer be paying childcare. I could scream

Do you have any sort of relationship with ex. partners parents? Is there any way you could say to them that you need to ask them to buy DS's school uniform (or some other essential) as their son no longer provides financially for DS?

funny you should ask that life

I do actually. exp decided to go no contact with his dad and stepmum about two years ago, and he refuses to speak to them ever again. (his lovely dad kept telling exp to marry me and exp is dead set against marriage-other issues too but that was one)

so I continue to keep in contact with them so that DS has a relationship with his grandpa and grandma, and vice versa

they are fairly well off so I could, but not sure I could bring myself to ask them. although I'm meeting them in a few weeks so will tell them the whole sorry saga, and they may well offer, but one of my friends has a DS two year older than my DS so I was thinking I could ask to borrow some of his old clothes to see me through as I know she keeps them all and has helped me out in the past with toys/car seats/clothes etc

DelphiniumBlue, even

Charis what a complete overreaction. And how fucking dare you accuse me of living in an ivory tower when you damn well know i dont by my posts on the benefits/food bank threads.

I dont own a car. Ive never learnt to drive but i suspected the OP may need hers for work hence my comments.

DH has a car but dont worry.......he has ischemic heart disease arthritis and emphysema so will be giving it up at some point.

And i have experienced many inequalities due to both culture and experiences.

I could write a very long post on health inequality poverty and obesity and how i beat it and what a fight its been including having to adjust to being a full time carer. But what would be the point. Youve only joined MN to goad.
Ivory Tower my arse!

OP I hope you have been paid early so you can rest a bit easier this weekend

Your Xp is paying £50 per week for private ski lessons for your DS but you can't afford to buy clothes for him???

I am utterly speechless at the fuckwittery of the man. Thank god you are no longer living with him. You can get through the rest, somehow ....

I was so in your position, op. He wasn't as bad as your vile ex in that I did get some money pm but if he could muck about, he would. Every single time. Not a week went by without some stunt or other.

This is my story: it destroyed me. It will destroy you if you let it.

You HAVE to get control of this. It is your health here - plus your boy's wellbeing. I hesitate to say this but he will use your boy more and more as the years go by. So you HAVE to get a strategy that minimises the effects of his manipulations.

Firstly, I would do a runner with ds seriously revise the time ds spends with his dad. Is there a court order that stipulates the exact days ex has ds? Eg it is not good for you and ds that ex has majority w/e access - you end up being the drudge and ex the sparkly Disney dad. This is BAD for ds.

Ex doesn't care for ds; he is a bad father. Torturing a child's mother is torturing the child. Don't be blackmailed into bending over backwards to facilitate a relationship between ex and ds. ex is a controlling abuser and he is controlling and abusing your boy - not in the same way he is controlling and abusing you (flagrantly) but he is controlling and abusing him by using him to control and abuse you. You have no choice but to be a human shield for ds the way things are now. So change the way things are now if at all possible.

I did everything through the courts. Ex was rich and powerful - also s/e - and the courts ensured he stumped up. I got the crappest settlement but at least I got something. Don't bother with csa. (Or whatever it's called now) - worse than useless. The joy for me was that the courts were much more powerful than bully boy ex and very gradually the power-base began to shift in my favour. Get this to court/use the law - you are a victim of abuse and could get free legal representation on that basis. The courts see his type day in day out and note when eg a rich, powerful man gives up his job to avoid paying cm.

Hang on, have to post - more to follow...

Is stop xo fact until he pays. Two can play at that game. Pay up or take me to court Mr

Weren't you going for every other weekend contact with ex?

springydaffs you really tempted me a few months back on my previous thread. you're advice was fantastic, thank you

flabulous, this is what I want to do, I really really want to do this! not for long, just for long enough to show him that yes, two can play that game. But he would immediately go straight back to court and it would be about contact so child maintenance would not be allowed to be discussed, so need to think very carefully about how next to go with this

yes city, but we never got to speak in front of the judge. we both took advice from our lawyers, came to an agreement and the judge rubber stamped it

I'm really regretting that now if I'm honest. my lawyer said I would never ever get eow because exp had DS every weekend from when he was 9months old until he was 3 (but only because I had to work every weekend as I couldn't afford to pay childcare)

then in court last week I stupidly agreed to exp now having DS for an additional few hrs every Wednesday after preschool, in the hope he would give me another weekend day (I now get one full weekend and a Sunday) how naive I was!

helped me, not tempted!!

yes davidtennants, I was in shock also at first....yet not at all surprised-if that makes sense. he's evil

On a crap tablet - can't edit or scroll

Ex clearly hasnt quite understood the power of the law bcs he's so far pissed all over csa. So use the law - your situation is precisely what it's there for. Tho don't assume the law is like the films - it isn't; but it has a better chance of pulling off a fair enough approximation of justice than the CSA. Eg I used the law to get eg a restraining order against ex; to get access times written in stone to precise days and precise times; to get monthly maintenance.

You have to wise up and get canny, op. You're fighting for your life (I'm not exaggerating) and you can't afford to be resentful - or noticing minutiae like crap saucepans - bcs it drains your power. You can't afford that, you need it for the fight of your life - for both you and for ds. So -

• contact Women's Aid and get the ball rolling. They will support you in all ways: practically, emotionally, legally. They are the experts. 0808 2000 247. Call at night, 7pm-7am, as lines busy during the day. Get them on your team.
• get your gp onside. GPs are powerful. Get everything recorded with your Gp. They are also a gateway to a variety of services - all the better for you and ds.
• do the Freedom Programme.

I haven't finished

He is more powerful than you. You know this in your gut (its why you are spitting feathers) so don't be stupid! Eg don't big-up to his size: he will crush you.

So be circumspect, be canny, use stealth to win the war. Dx

*xx not dx ffs

I'm so glad you were tempted op imnotgoingtocallyouskintandhimmint

My ex is like this . I had the same battle with the csa. He was self employed. Had a zero income according to hmrc. They wouldn't investigate
I gave up in the end. Not what you want to hear. it will get easier but there is no instant fix. I took years to build up a career.
Anyway Charis I am going to take your advice and ditch my luxury car. Can you tell me the best way of carrying a Henry vacuum cleaner, 15 litres of magnolia paint and associated equipment (decorating) on the bus? What huge trolley would you recommend? Genuine question

Obviously the stuff is for work. I'm not taking it sightseeing.

Anyway Charis I am going to take your advice and ditch my luxury car. Can you tell me the best way of carrying a Henry vacuum cleaner, 15 litres of magnolia paint and associated equipment (decorating) on the bus? What huge trolley would you recommend? Genuine question

Get real, you sort it out, and organise, and compromise, as does anyone without the luxury of a car.

I really don't care if you want a car, just don't pretend you are not amongst the richest people who ever have, or ever will inhabit the planet.

It is hard and unfair and he is horrible.

What about getting a job over the weekends you don't have your son? Even bar work or something to top up your income?

Agree on budgeting/car comments too. Money saving expert forums have some great tips and there's a book called the frugal gazette you could get from the library.

Chchange I think thats a good idea. Trouble is the OPs ex sounds like the type who would cancel contact at the last minute and generally fuck her about which would then mean she would have to have back up childcare in place in case he does this and i bet he would.