please give me some hope/reassurance

[imskintandheismint]

I will try to keep this as short as possible. My bank balance is currently sitting at 110pounds overdrawn, tomorrow I am due to pay childcare fees, I will need to put petrol in the car to get to work, and entertain DS this weekend as it is my (one and only) weekend with him in the month. Other than milk I have enough food for meals to get through the next few days until I get working tax credits on Monday, but by which point I will be right back to square one...overdrawn. And so the cycle will continue

Exp has taken it upon himself to stop paying child maintenance, which is why things are so tight. He stopped paying around christmas, as I didn't agree to what he wanted and this is his way of controlling me. It always has been. I contacted CMS, they tracked him, made a calculation of 450pounds per month, but before the first payment was due he had already quit his job to ensure I didn't receive it (he had always warned me if i went to CMS he would do this, but had no other option as he wasn't paying anyway)

He is now claiming he is starting a business. Which has never been mentioned before in all the time I have known him but knowing him like I do, the sole motivation for becoming self employed is to avoid paying much/anything through CMS.

But my problem is this...if he was genuinely hard up financially, fine. Aren't we all. I'd accept that and make the most of what I have and focus on the positives. But this is a man of considerable wealth

On top of the very well paid job he had, he buys flats, renovates them himself, and then sells them on at a substantial profit. He has other flats which he owns and rents out. They are however undeclared to HMRC. HMO flats which he claims are non profit, and advertises on gumtree so can get away with saying he is not a landlord. (I have reported him numerous times since december, they have yet to catch up with him). And at court a few weeks ago, he stated that he wanted to take DS away on a skiing trip abroad at easter, for a 3 week holiday to spain in summer, then to disneyland florida in October. He wants DS to go to a fee paying school, yet also claims he is unable to pay child maintenance as he is no longer working

But I have no proof of this, other than the 3 flats which came up on a land registry search (which leads me to believe he has recently sold or transferred names on deeds of the other properties I know of)

Can he really get away with this forever? From what I have read on here, CMS are generally pretty useless. I was told on the phone that they can only go by what HMRC have on him, which is nothing, and may well be nothing for a while yet. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that he is doing this to DS. he is aware of my financial situation and could not care less. How dare he do this to DS

I can just about pay the bills, I get all the help I am entitled to, help with rent etc but my disposable income is zero, so after food petrol etc and all bills I have nothing. Exp wants this, he is narcissistic without a doubt, and sees this as a compitition, he wants to be the favourite parent who has all the cool stuff, all the latest gadgets, all the best holidays and for DS to then come back to me and have nothing. He is thoroughly enjoying this.

Is there ANYONE out there who has experienced similar but has managed to get child maintenance? When it come round to birthdays, christmas etc I'm snookered, it's not fair on DS

I have sent the additional income form with proof of the properties i found from the land registry search, and will do a further search to see who now owns the other properties, but he will fight tooth and nail to make sure I get nothing from him. Is there an appeals process for when it comes back as another nill assessment and will they really fight this cause? the last few days I have been sick with worry about what the future holds, it's looking fairly grim

I should also add, we are due to go to mediation, he wants to discuss cm there, but he wants it to be done based on my outgoings, he has asked to see all my bills, childcare etc and thinks it should go down next year when DS starts school as I'll no longer be paying childcare. I could scream

My ex doesnt contribute either. He doesn't work officially but earns cash in hand. He will never work 9-5 as he genuinely doesn't think he needs to support his children.

You will never change the mindset of a man like this and you have to accept that it is up to you solely to provide for your child.

It would be worth getting legal advice but in my case nothing could be proven.

Also, there is no way I'd let him see your outgoings, fuck him!
i don't know this bloke ( if I did I'd tell him to his face what an absolute c##t he is) but he makes me so

I'm sorry your having to deal with this too whatamayday. I bet there are hundreds of thousands in the UK. can I ask how is your relationship with your non paying exp? how do you deal with it?

all I want is a quiet life, some fairness, and we'd get on fine. it's depressing that this looks impossible though. I don't see myself being able to forgive him. I can see myself becoming unreasonable from now on, like he is. he will want flexibility at some point with contact agreement. ie on fathers I am due to be with DS, I expect he wi want him and I would normally ha e no problem switching weekends or days to facilitate that, but as he wouldn't do the same for me on mother's day there, my answer so be, bite me!

But it's not right, I can do without the negativity as it will grind me down, whereas he thrives on it, but no chance Will I agree to anything he wants, even at mediation if I go...why should I!

was hoping for some encouraging posts of where sanctions have been put in place against men like this, self employment has been seen through and proof of other income was possible, and women got some justice but I guess they will very few and far between sadly

if nothing comes of cms though, I feel like getting my local MP involved. (whilst being able to put the situation in a box and forget about it when needs be)

the last few days it has affected me massively, with worrying about bills etc. I've been snappy with DS which I feel terrible about. the stress is showing

It's not the 'right' answer, but the moment I realised I was not going to get anything from ex and decided to stop chasing was freeing for me. It meant I could focus on my own finances and find ways to support ourselves without his 'help'. Anything I get now is a bonus and spent on new clothes for dc (last time I got anything was back in July last year, about 150 euros).

So, I know he should pay. But he is going to do his darndest not to and use it as a tool to control and upset you. Take that power away by assuming he won't give you a penny and make sure you have enough each month based on that. Make sure CMS know each month he isn't giving you any so you have full access to child tax credits and work credits, as well as housing benefit top ups if you need them.

if you contact csa explain to them about rental properties and they will send you a form out to complete, put as much info on this form and it will get investigated, give them any evidence you have.
my xh had a lot of caravans that he let out but didn't declare, they investigated this but i still didn't get cs because the rentals have to be bricks n mortar, he was charging between £250-£600 a week for 15 caravans that was always being used. my xh was even claiming benefits for me and dd for a year after we left. i tried to claim myself but couldn't, xh kept telling benefits me and dd was still living with him. i was left with cb to live on. that was only because i contacted them and got cb transfered to my bank account. we lived on my visa card for a year, paying min payment out of cb.xh didn't care if we had food or not, he said we could go back to him if we wasn't satisfied.

bloody hell stressesoutnfedup I think your ex has outdone mine! wow. there are no words......as someone has already said, how can men like this look at themselves in the mirror

you're absolutely right pop. very wise words, thank you. And I think in time I will accept it, that may even be in a few weeks, but not yet, I'm not ready to accept it. the fire in my belly is too strong and rightly or wrongly, I want to make his life as difficult for him as he is making it for me.

I know that's not the most mature or sensible thing to do but he had an opportunity to do the right thing meaning we could get on and do right by DS. But he has chosen to war, instead and make things impossible for me as punishment.

When DS was 6 months old, he tried everything he could do to get back with me, including asking me to marry him as he had cheated, dumped me when I was pregnant and showed no regard for my well-being etc, funnily enough the answer was no. I had seen through him by that point and could see his jekkyl and hyde ways. I feel this is punishment for that-his ego is huge and would've been massively bruised by that rejection, and he will always try to hurt me

I know I appear very angry right now, which I am. and I hope it will pass, but I cannot treat this man with respect from now on, and don't see how I can possibly be reasonable with him when he asks for flexibility with contact. I will accept it though, one day...

Does he pick ds up now?

yeah he now collects and drops off, he gets DS 3 weekends out of 4, and one night midweek, every week for a few hours. I wanted the weekends to be split a bit more fairly so offered him the midweek contact in the hope he would come and go with an extra day for me at a weekend but when that was agreed to, he said no. so I'm regretting that as I now have to see him pretty much 3x per week

ok ok that may be seen to be in DS best interests to have loads of contact, but I have given him more and he is giving nothing back. He had the whole of the Easter holidays with DS there, I'm fed up being reasonable

I really do feel for you skint. I would love to give you some reassurance that men like your ex get their comeuppance but unfortunately I can't.

My ex is another who is well off but plays the system to avoid paying maintenance. It is incredibly frustrating but if you are the sort of man who is minded to behave like this it is, unfortunately, easy to do so.

I did get some joy by writing to my MP who got involved with CMS (or CSA as they were then) so you could try that.

Btw your feelings are entirely understandable.

I never received a penny from my DS father because he is in another country...so obviously have not had to deal with contact/shared parenting etc though I tried to encourage it for many years for DS sake.
it was very tough financially for a number of years (no tax credits in my day - I would have loved to have worked pt!) but in the end I just had to get on with it & try not to dwell on the unfairness of it...my DS has grown into a lovely young man - according to everyone!
My most lasting regret is being on my own - for many years I had no time, energy or consistent babysitting to sustain a social life & anyway thought that no-one could love my son as their own (legacy of my own stepmother experience!) but I do wish I had addressed this sooner/younger when there might still have been some good men available!

that's encouraging flip! I'll go down that route also when the time comes

ocelot well done for doing it all on your own and at how well he turned out I hope you are able to find someone (if not already in a relationship) who is good enough for you.

I work 30hrs pw, but a social life is not an option for me (other than having friends over) as money does not allow it. yet get to hear about all the wonderful things exp and his 22yo girlfriend (he is 38) got up to each weekend, which usually involves eating out at restaurants all weekend long, and going to expensive fun places ie zoo, Aquariam etc.

I do have some perspective of course. I realise a lot of people have it way harder, and this may seem to some people as a non issue/first world problem. and I thank my lucky stars each day I have my good health (other than a certain condition which means I'm at hospital 3x a week but it will never be life threatening)

But it is hard not to have a pity party at times I suppose. sigh.....

But I'll still hold out for someone to come along and say right this is how it's done, you can do x, y and z and he will be caught out!

although legal advice is my next route. I have heard about a children's act where men get taken to court to be accountable for their responsibilities, although can't find much info online but hope my solicitor can help with that one

skint check your bank account today. Its a bank holiday on Monday They might have paid your tax credits early.

Charis a car is not a luxury The OP may need it for work.

Oh yes, I didn't think of that Helena good idea. TC are usually paid early on bank holidays.

Bless you op. I really hope you get some joy soon
If u were you I'd be too.
I can't believe he gets ds 3xweekends. Thats unusual. Hey let's hope 22 year old gf gets pg soon, he may back off when he has a new baby and gf to control.

you're right! I'd almost forgotten about the bank holiday, phew! I can relax a little now

Nothing useful to add, just wanted to say I'm outraged on your behalf, OP. I don't know how this man can live with himself. How awful.

Charis a car is not a luxury The OP may need it for work.

This statement is utterly unbelievable. A car is the height of luxury, and totally beyond reach for many workers. There is no way I would ever have the dreamt of luxury of being able to apply for a job, or live in a home where I needed a car.

Charis a car is not a luxury The OP may need it for work.

This is such an insane statement that I am going to have to take a screen shot of the page, because no one is ever going to believe this was said.

Even when people talk about the astronomically high standard of living that is considered normal in this country, and the massive unreasonable expectation and demands of some of the population, no one would ever believe that it is possible for someone ever to think a car is not a luxury.

Helenadove if a car is not a luxury to you, then you are living in an ivory tower, and have probably never even dipped a single toe into normal life. I will never take anything else you ever say seriously. Nothing else you ever say can ever be taken seriously,

Charis I will never take anything else you ever say seriously. Nothing else you ever say can ever be taken seriously

How ironic.

Please do explain how the OP can travel to work without public transport being available, especially working zero hours in the care industry.

Make sure you let us know your credentials of your extensive experience in this industry, along with your encyclopaedic knowledge of every rural area in the UK and it's full public transport provision.

Seriously? Living out where I do, most people would be unable to get to work without a car. Public transport is scarce and rarely goes to the towns when you need it to.

Nothing else you say, Charis1, can ever be taken seriously. Ever. Ever.

Over reaction much?

charis, 75% of UK households have a car - that's what an official survey found in 2012. The 25% who don't, may well struggle - but it doesn't follow that a car is a luxury.

C'mon Charis. Can't you imagine that if you grew up / live in the countryside and only one bus a day goes past your house, a car can be a necessity rather than a luxury?

Mmm, I don't think Helena is the one who people will think "can never be taken seriously again", especially after reading that bizarre over-reaction to a perfectly sensible comment.

If you have a job where you need to drive then a car isn't a luxury.

I speak as someone who has never owned a car.

I missed the bit about him wanting to know about your outgoings. It's none of his business, he's just trying to bully you. What a bloody cheek!