Those of you with lovely partners, can you say what you like about them?

[SnowflakeObsidian]

Hi everyone,

I am just out of my second emotionally abusive marriage 10 months ago and very very tempted to go back as he says he has changed and we have children together and are getting on well. He doesn't really admit that he was abusive though, just says he was "an idiot".

I realised that part of the problem is that I genuinely don't know what it is reasonable to expect. Every man I've been with, to a greater or lesser extent, has been charming and loving sometimes, but basically self-involved, resented making sacrifices, spent money on themselves rather than me and then gave me a hard time about spending money or borrowed money from me, shouted, swore and said cutting hurtful things to me, became moody and grumpy, sneered at my religious beliefs, said crude sexual things to me despite my asking them to stop, or grabbed my breast during serious discussions or said "you just need cock", criticised elements of my personality or body while praising others so I didn't know whether I was being praised or complimented, left me feeling if I didn't measure up they would end the relationship, and withdrew affection or offers of help if I offended them. I've never been able to openly express concerns about their behaviour or the relationship without getting negative comeback or "oh and you're so perfect, it's ALL me." They haven't all done all of these things, and none have done them all of the time, but these are the feelings and experiences I associate with relationships.

I am far from perfect but I do try to be loving and thoughtful. If my partner brings something up that bothers them I try to change it and/or compromise. If I am in a bad mood I find ways to cheer myself up rather than take it out on other people. I don't believe in personal insults and there are below the belt things I'd never say no matter how angry I am. I like to do little things for the people I love and to buy them presents or pamper and treat them. I'm always there for them if they are upset or angry or hurting. I can be lazy and self-absorbed but I'll pull myself out of it if someone needs help or something has to be done. I don't mind if people disagree with me on politics, sex and religion, or anything else really. I'd like to find someone who would do the same for me.

So I thought I would ask you all: those of you who are happy in your relationships, what does that relationship look like? What do you love about your partners? I'm hoping this will help me see what to look for and how to be a good partner myself! Thanks and sorry for long post!

My relationship is one of honesty and trust. It's that simple. I respect him, I am honest with him, I appreciate that he is one of the good guys.

Over the years I've come to realise that self-love is the most important of all, and that if you love and respect yourself it is easier to not tolerate lack of love and respect from those that should love and respect you the most.

So even if I wasn't with my current wonderful partner, if I was looking for someone new, the first red flag would be the last red flag and I would finish the relationship, no excuses. There are decent men out there, I suspect they may be few and far between!

Mine doesn't play games. It's a breath of fresh air to have someone tell me what he feels, no messing around.

Mutual respect. He brings me cups of tea in bed. I make him a flask of coffee to take to work
He listens to me, defends me, cares for me and looks after me. And I hope that he feels I do the same for him

Plus he washes up well

Don't go back.
All the things you do for other people - do them for yourself now.

It sounds so trite, and such a cliche, but until you value and prioritise yourself no one else will.

He makes me feel better about myself, not worse - that's the bottom line.

I'm not constantly trying to second guess what will make him happy or annoyed. We talk things through. When I screw up he'll make me laugh about it or try and sort it out.

He's supportive when things go wrong, he discussed what 'we' should spend money on.

He'll bring me a cup of tea in bed, make breakfast, does all the washing. Happy for me to go out and do my own thing. But he genuinely likes spending time with me.

He's a grumpy sod at times, but so can I be, but it doesn't define the relationship.

Don't go back.

The best way to describe my husband is as my best friend. We get along in the same way and respect each other as best female friends would do. We have a great laugh together, and look out for each other. Although we have the odd argument (but not very often, maybe twice a year?) we never call each other names during an argument because it's always about an issue, and not the person themselves iykwim. We don't always agree on politics or religion fully, but we'd be fairly similar...however I love a good heated discussion over a (good few!) glasses of wine!
We buy each other a nice present at Xmas and Easter if we have the money...if not we stay in with pizza and wine and dance around the sitting room when the kids are in bed!! We're not slushy romantic, but often give each other a hug just out of the blue if we're in the same room...
I have massive respect for him and he does for me too. We are completely equal and get nights out without each other with no issues.

I am not very good with words, I wrote most of the below on another thread so nicked this from there.

I feel completely loved.

DH respects me, my voice, my choices, my thoughts- he shows this with not only his words but also his actions.
He thinks I an amazing and tells me this, but it also shows in things he says to other people about me, however he is aware of not so positive parts to my personality, he is very good at how he responds to these and checks me if I am going to off whack- but he does this in a way where he is still being supportive.
He discusses things with me, we are honest with each other, he respects my opinion (even when we don't agree) and we will work together to get to an outcome we are both happy with.
I know there is not anything he would not do for me, and our families if humanly possible.
I trust him, things may not always work out perfectly but I know its me and him as a team through the shit times and the good.
My happiness is a priority to him (as is his to me), he says if I am happy that makes him happy, I feel the same.
We spend time apart, this is important to us and time away does make the heart grow fonder, if one of us has been away for a few days when they arrive home we really are running to the porch for a hug .
We are both stubborn fuckers so have spent years working on this bit of our personalities.

Snowflake, I can tell you one thing, my relationship doesn't in any way resemble what you've just described, and it saddens me and makes me angry to see you thinking of this as 'normal', or even asking for other people's descriptions of their 'nice' partners for information on what 'normal' and functional might be like.

Why on earth are you tempted to go back to a man who treats you the way you describe? Or rather, I can see exactly why a woman so browbeaten and brainwashed by longterm mistreatment by more than one man, might be considering going back, but that's not a good reason, it's to do with your own low self-esteem and (understandably) warped perceptions of what a decent relationship looks like.

I have a basically happy, functional relationship, and have been with my partner (now husband) for 23 years, with one young son. I like and love him because he's clever, kind and funny, and understands me better than anyone else on the planet. He's a calm, easy-going, sociable, yet highly-ambitious man, who shares my own work ethic and politics. We have monstrous rows, but usually end up laughing halfway through. He's an excellent father and wonderful, feminist male role model to our boy. We've both supported one another financially at different points in our relationship as we retrained or changed direction, both made compromises (including international moves) for one another. I've currently changed direction and am earning very little, and he's supporting me. I wouldn't claim it's any kind of perfect model of a relationship at all, but we're happy with one another, and it works.

Please don't go back to your ex-husband, and work on your self-esteem and boundaries. Would you want your children to grow up thinking this kind of relationship is normal, and to enter into this kind of relationship themselves?

I think you have answered your own question in your paragraph about what you are like. You should expect no less than that from someone else in a relationship.

As far as my DH, there are many things I love about him, but I think the main ones that stick out, are that he is funny, and kind. He is not perfect, and neither am I, but he has never sworn at me, or resorted to personal insults. When I get home I know I am safe, and DH is on my side, whatever is going on outside.

Oh I am sorry you've had this to deal with. One thing jumps out at me - you said these men were 'loving sometimes'. Well, that's not love. If you love someone, you love them all the time.

I don't think you need to work on being a good partner - your priority should be working on loving yourself, if that's not too cheesy!

I wonder if you'd be better off staying single for a while? Just to find out who you are and what you really want?

I come out of an abusive relationship less then two years ago and I didn't know what was normal, what was right or what was wrong. I went to lots of women's groups about DV and how to recognise it and in future relationships and how to work on myself by just improving little things in every day life.

Now I've been with my new DP for about 8months we took things very slowly and it's getting more serious now but it still completely shocks me how different things are this time and how it even feels different.

My new DP treats me like an equal, never talks down to me or puts me down or makes me feel small, worthless or embarrassed of something. He's caring, honest and open. Helps with the little things like washing up with dinner, cooking and breakfast in bed. He always puts my needs first before himself

I've had two marriages: one a little like your bad experiences, and one the opposite. Key features of my current most excellent relationship are mutual liking (different to love), mutual respect, shared values based on generosity of spirit and fairness, and acceptance that neither of us are perfect.

I had no idea I deserved this kind of relationship but it turns out we all do, and there are men out there who are like this too. Amazing! Hold out for a good guy, it's really worth it (and so are you).

He's kind and loving and my happiness is his priority.

I'm a better person for having him in my life.

Hi OP, read this post: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody/AllOnOnePage#14219935 - it's about the difference between normal and abusive relationships.

Have you had any counselling? Maybe you would find the Freedom Program helpful?

I do think you need some support to help you avoid returning to an abusive relationship.

You deserve SO much better than this man.

He's a genuinely good man. Id trust him with my life and know he would take care of it.

He's kind.
He's funny.
He's hard working.
He's artistic and sensitive (animal lover, environmentally aware etc) but manly (can fix cars and stuff (the feminist part of me is ashamed of typing that).
He's a brilliant dad - takes care of the kids, does activities with them, encourages them.
He's supportive of me - altered his own working pattern to support mine, tells me I'm great etc.
We're equals.

My hubbie makes me feel special, is fun to be around, honest and kind. Please don't settle for anything less than you deserve- and you deserve to be treated well ALL the time.

I've been married for over 10 years.

He's kind
Tolerant
Patient
He loves my family (wants to visit my parents and siblings more often than I do!)
Kind
Caring (tea in bed every morning and constantly checking up on me if I'm not feeling well)
I've never been in any doubt that he adores me - he makes it obvious every day

I don't think for a minute that I measure up in the same way.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 6yrs. My new DP tells me he loves me and why he does. He is supportive of everything I do. Everything we do is as a team, so I never feel resentful and put upon. We can talk about anything. We like doing the same things in our leisure time. He has a great relationship with my dc. He is thoughtful. He makes me laugh.
Basically he is the opposite of my ex, who had a dreadful temper, picked at everything I did and treated me like the housekeeper/nanny.

I agree with MyCatIsAGIT :
He makes me feel better about myself, not worse - that's the bottom line.

I've been in abusive relationships, and to be honest when I met my lovely DH I didn't respect myself enough to expect respect. Fortunately, he's a decent, kind person so he treated me with respect and consideration. Thanks to his support I'm in a much better place, and I now know how I should be treated, but the point above about how your partner should make you feel is absolutely the basic thing to consider.

best wishes to you, don't go back to something you know was wrong.

If my DH does or says something to annoy me, I do not feel afraid of telling him so. I may choose not to say anything, especially if it's minor, but I know that he will not take criticism of an action as criticism of his entire self.

My needs, wants, ambitions etc are of equal value to his. At the moment he is supporting me through study, financially and emotionally, and we have discussed his future ambitions whereby he might want to go back to education, when I will be more than happy to support him.

We each know the other is imperfect, and occasionally we irritate each other or get impatient, but these flaws do not mar our love or our relationship. We don't love each other despite our flaws (which would suggest the love would be stronger if only 'you could be better at X' or 'stop doing Y'), but accept the whole of each other as a person, without trying to change or improve them.

MyCatIsAGit - I could have written your post, exactly!

I can relax around my other half. :-) I don't have to worry about bruising him unintentionally with something I say or do, unlike a previous (very sensitive) boyfriend I'd been with who I'm now realising had a lot of the hallmarks of an emotional abuser - the 'psycho' ex, drinking heavily, 'in love' in 5 seconds flat but reluctant to tell anybody we were actually together, suspicious and clingy, and constantly checking up on me, particularly if I was out for the evening with friends. I did the smartest thing I've ever done when I left him ... and only a few months later I found my fiance.

I knew I was in love when I forgot to take my phone into work one morning. With my previous b/f if I hadn't answered one of his multiple texts instantly then he'd be sulky or accusative in the evening when I got home, so I sent my now fiance an email telling him I'd forgotten my phone at home, as I didn't want him to worry I was ignoring him or something. Fiance's reply basically made me laugh out loud - he sent a response thanking me for letting him know and played out how the day would have gone if I hadn't told him, with his email showing him getting increasingly panicky that he'd done or said something to piss me off!

Maybe you had to be there, but I read that and after I laughed I relaxed - his was a normal reaction to what is a perfectly commonplace occurrence. Previous b/f acted like I'd done something treasonable forgetting my phone. Current, lovely fiance made me laugh about it and realise I'd not done anything unforgivable.

He's lovely and every day I'm thankful for being with him. Even on his grumpy days he's never grumpy at me, just grumpy at the situation that made him grumpy in the first place. Then he apologises for being grumpy anyway. :-) I love him to bits.

He also gives the best hugs. _

Ex, meanwhile? I'm glad he happened just as a point of reference to show me the difference between a true gentleman and an utter wanker.

Nobody is perfect, but to me my DP is special. I go on nights out with the girls and look around the room and see men (women too) hovering over women after a quick fumble and it makes me feel sick! I makes me feel lucky I guess as I know I have a respectable DP. He looks after me when I'm poorly, is a huge support to me when I'm anxious, he always sticks up for me and wouldn't let anybody hurt me. He does lots of housework and he's taken my two children from a previous relationship on as his own. He shares everything and is never greedy. We argue at times but never at any point has he been aggressive or called me names or tried to manipulate me.

From day 1 he has always been straight with me, no silly chasing games and if I'm honest at first without the chase I worried as I equated longing for love. In time I soon realised I couldn't be without him as he's pretty amazing!

Ok il shut up now, but seriously it's no wonder you don't know what a relationship should be like. None are perfect, but if you find somebody who caring and loves you then he would do everything in his power to not hurt you.

He's just a love. He thinks about me and DS all the time and puts us first. He looks after us, does a lot around the house etc. He's very loving and caring, always texts me to see how I am when away from him.
We share values- we think the same about politics, religion, money etc which helps. We rarely row properly. I have strops sometimes - short and minor but still- and he puts up with me :)

I so needed to see this post after having a bit of a wobble today about a relationship I recently ended with a man who wasn't making me feel good about myself in many ways. Thanks x

I feel a lot of joy. Joy that I know him. Joy that he holds my hand to watch tele or in the car.
Again my partner has grumps. But they are not at me, he is very clear why he is grumpy and whether / what I could fo to help (but he does not consider that my responsibility). He is open. No subject is off limits. I value him and his views and he values me, mine and says and behaves to confirm this. Everyday.

My husband doesn't have to be right. And he's kind. These are the biggest things for me.