Those of you with lovely partners, can you say what you like about them?

[SnowflakeObsidian]

Hi everyone,

I am just out of my second emotionally abusive marriage 10 months ago and very very tempted to go back as he says he has changed and we have children together and are getting on well. He doesn't really admit that he was abusive though, just says he was "an idiot".

I realised that part of the problem is that I genuinely don't know what it is reasonable to expect. Every man I've been with, to a greater or lesser extent, has been charming and loving sometimes, but basically self-involved, resented making sacrifices, spent money on themselves rather than me and then gave me a hard time about spending money or borrowed money from me, shouted, swore and said cutting hurtful things to me, became moody and grumpy, sneered at my religious beliefs, said crude sexual things to me despite my asking them to stop, or grabbed my breast during serious discussions or said "you just need cock", criticised elements of my personality or body while praising others so I didn't know whether I was being praised or complimented, left me feeling if I didn't measure up they would end the relationship, and withdrew affection or offers of help if I offended them. I've never been able to openly express concerns about their behaviour or the relationship without getting negative comeback or "oh and you're so perfect, it's ALL me." They haven't all done all of these things, and none have done them all of the time, but these are the feelings and experiences I associate with relationships.

I am far from perfect but I do try to be loving and thoughtful. If my partner brings something up that bothers them I try to change it and/or compromise. If I am in a bad mood I find ways to cheer myself up rather than take it out on other people. I don't believe in personal insults and there are below the belt things I'd never say no matter how angry I am. I like to do little things for the people I love and to buy them presents or pamper and treat them. I'm always there for them if they are upset or angry or hurting. I can be lazy and self-absorbed but I'll pull myself out of it if someone needs help or something has to be done. I don't mind if people disagree with me on politics, sex and religion, or anything else really. I'd like to find someone who would do the same for me.

So I thought I would ask you all: those of you who are happy in your relationships, what does that relationship look like? What do you love about your partners? I'm hoping this will help me see what to look for and how to be a good partner myself! Thanks and sorry for long post!

Totally agree with PP, sign up to the Freedom Programme.
Either call Womens Aid and do it in person or sign up on line.
That will help you set your boundaries and spot red flags well in advance.

Good relationships are based on trust and respect.
No-one calls each other names (unless in jest).
No-one puts the other down.
You help and support your partner as much as you can.
You share your life and all responsibilities that go with that.

Please do NOT go back to him. He's still minimising the abuse. You are far better off out and away from an abusive prick.

Freedom Programme Do it!

Me and DH have been together for over 10 years now, here are some things which stand out:

• He has NEVER made me feel frightened or unsafe. He is kind to me, and to others. He has never shouted at me in anger, never sworn at me, and if he thinks he has been a bit blunt with me he will apologise straight off the bat.

• He respects me. He doesn't expect me to always agree with him. He never makes me feel patronised or small. He can admit when he is wrong. He makes me feel good about myself (he even seems to like the bits of my peronality which drive me nuts). I am calmer and feel more positive when he is around.

• He shows me that he loves me. He's always reaching out to hold my hand when we're walking down the street, he likes to tell me he loves me last thing at night (just as we're falling asleep), he's not very good at communicating how he feels sometimes but he really tries because he knows how important I think it is.

• He is as honest as the day is long (in fact he sometimes gets himself into trouble by being too honest)! We can talk about pretty much anything.

• He trusts me, and has never given me any reason to not trust him. He encourages me to meet up with friends (he knows I am an introvert so sometimes socialising is tricky), but is more than happy for me to stay home if I prefer (even though he's an extrovert so he doesn't really get it).

• We are a team. He's my best friend. We are not joined-at-the-hip, but we love spending time with each other. He makes me laugh harder than anyone else.

Don't get me wrong, he's no perfect-husband-robot - he doesn't always notice when things needs cleaning, he's messy as hell and snores like a train when he's had a drink! BUT I can totally deal with those, as long as I get all the good stuff.

P.S. Please stay away from the ass-hat

The thing I like most about DH is that he respects me and values my opinion. So, if we disagree about something, he'll listen to my point of view and may change his mind based on what I've said. I also love it when he says nice things about me to a mutual friend. He's not one for thoughtful presents but that doesn't matter compared to the above.

no games, honest and straight up, won't ever call me names or invade my space, is very similar to me on an intellectual level, holds similar beliefs but respects me if mine differ from his. Respectful and kind, basically.

i feel safe, loved and protected

He trusts me, he gives me space and time to do my own thing, he never shouts at me or swears, or callse names and he respects my job, my role as mum and he is equal in his contribution to childcare and household tasks. I try to give him all the same back. He, in fact we, are not perfect and we squabble sometimes but we are trusting and hhomest.

I feel safe. He's on my side.
He makes me laugh, and tells me I make him laugh.
He's a good son.
He wants to spend time with me, but encourages my independence.
He tells me he's proud of me.
He changes his pants more often after I asked him to.
I feel respected and trusted.
We are different but complement each other.
We row, get on each other's nerves, but never make the other feel bad for our own bad moods.
He brings me coffee in bed.

Please don't go back OP. He's showing you no respect. He doesn't make you feel good about yourself. You deserve better.

Just seen all these messages and they have brought tears to my eyes. I'm going to read them over and over and memorise them! It's brought home to me just how little I've been expecting. I went to boarding-school and didn't spend much time at home, plus my dad, much as I love him, has his own issues. I married my first boyfriend and broke free from him ten years later, and it just seems to have continued from there. I think I had better stay single for a while and work on developing my own self-esteem. I will definitely look into the Freedom Programme! Thank you, thank you, thank you, everyone who is sharing the story of their own healthy relationships - it is such a contrast and makes me think that might be out there for me someday.

Snowflake u can have it all, I was once like you and didn't know I could have any better. It still shocks me to this day whwn I see a friends husband been a nobhead to them. Years ago that was me and it was normal to me. Not anymore! Good for you on working on yourself, eventually you will have such a decent standard set that you will naturally attract the right man and know when to instantly dismiss a tosser!

He's my best person - and he makes me (most of the time!) the best person I can be. He's funny, and clever, and kind, and oh, so patient, and he's the best kisser ever. On a more trivial level, knows all the words to every Smiths/Morrissey song, he's exceptionally tall and can reach high things that I can't, and he lets me watch trash TV even though he really, really hates it. (Although I could do without his "insightful comments" on the soaps, tbh.)

He enables me to achieve my dreams.
He is kind.
He takes care of me
he is honest
he cares
he supports me and loves me as I am

He also has an awful temper, incredibly messy, incapable of giving an accurate time line for anything (in his world 3 hours is 40 minutes) incapable of turning his ridiculous amount of talent and brain power into money!

I love that he makes me the best version of myself and I do the same to him. Without him I am scatty and bulldoze others emotions. Without me he takes himself too seriously and forgets the little things.

After I left my controlling XH I was single for a year. We had been together for 27 years and I had learned to watch every utterance for fear of giving offence and paying the price.
When I met DP I couldnt believe that I could be honest with him and speak my mind and he didnt go off in a huff, shout at me or make me feel bad. He either apologised or laughed at me kindly and moved on.
Being with the right person who makes you feel safe and loved is worth the effort to relearn the lessons about how we should be treated and dismiss the losers!