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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Being in love is a disease

88 replies

DanielGray25 · 20/05/2015 10:25

They say that love is blind. Rubbish. Love is the most clear sighted thing in the world. Attachment is blind, because its stupid, because its based on a false belief and we call THAT love.

"I am in love with you" "I love you" What? Do you love me or do you love yourself? Do you know what "in love" means? It means I want you for me, I am possessive of you, I am not going to be happy without you and I emotionally depend on you. That is a drug, that is a disease and this disease according to society is the supreme virtue of life. Its garbage, but who dares to say this?

You are blind and full of yourself when you are in love, ever thought of that? You don't actually see the other person because you projected onto the other person a hopeful idea of them and that's what you love. You dont actually love the person.

This is why relationships are the biggest cause of conflict on this planet, why most people are generally quite miserable, why half of marriages end in divorce and a good portion of "successful" marriages are full of hard work and very mediocre. Everybody seems to be going into them with blinders on and when the relationship ends they usually end up hating each other.

The main preoccupation of society is to keep society sick. The only answer is to take the blinders off, ignore what everyone else is telling you love is, allow the other person to be free and have no expectations.

Can you do that? Or will you continue to spend your whole life trying to make something work that isnt designed to work, like most humans do?

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 20/05/2015 12:35

Also, I'd like some of what you're having please and thank you

What about a parent's love and attachment to a child?

StickEm · 20/05/2015 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoreOfWhabylon · 20/05/2015 12:37

Anniegetyourgun · 20/05/2015 12:37

You do realise that most of the threads on this board are started by people who have problems because they have problems they need help with? It's not because most of the relationships in the world have problems, it's the nature of talkboards that you mostly hear about the ones that do. There is some wonderful advice available on here for people who either need to leave their partner or need help in relating to each other in a healthier way. There is no advice on here for people who have a truly loving, respectful relationship because the only thing to be said is "party on, dudes".

I'm single following a long marriage that didn't work out for me (because it was with the wrong, damaged person) but have observed a number of lovely lifelong partnerships. No, they're not perfect, because people are not perfect; but living on one's own has its drawbacks too. It's a matter of choice, preference and a hefty dose of luck.

Am reminded of a song...

Withalittlesparkle · 20/05/2015 12:39

Ironically your desire to teach people how to avoid conflict is actually creating conflict!!

StretchyTheMonkey · 20/05/2015 12:49

I truly love your advice because I can hand on heart say I don't need it, i free go on I set you free, on your way sweetheart. HTH

StretchyTheMonkey · 20/05/2015 12:50

I feel I can say "go on I set you free" even

mummytime · 20/05/2015 12:54

If the planet was big enough that we could all live so far apart we'd be unlikely to meet, there probably would be less conflict. It would also be pretty lonely, and we'd die out.

Conflict isn't necessarily a bad thing. Neither are arguments and certainly not compromise.

Sometimes things go wrong or people are so damaged that they can't really form relationships.

Pain is not necessarily a bad thing - just ask someone who/or whose children can't feel pain like here.

missqwerty · 20/05/2015 12:59

I think you have a very obscure way of looking at things OP. You keep talking about things been beneficial. Love isn't measured on been beneficial. Because I love my child I do my best to nurture them, which often means I suffer sleepless nights, worry and exhaustion. Because I love my partner I overlook our differences and work towards having a balanced relationship where I love myself too. Because I am human I sometimes nag, feel jealous, frustrated or sad about my relationships. We are all imperfect but love drives us to be the best possible version of ourselves. A happy relationship accepts imperfection, has healthy boundaries and a balance of both persons needs.

You have some valid points on infatuation, I totally agree. Some people never recognise that it isn't a sustainable state and they chase it like a drug, hence affairs etc, or they nag and try turn their OH into the projection they want them to be. However, as I said earlier. Your dismissive judgement on relationships is at the other end of the scale. If your opinion was grounded in reality then either life would stop existing as people wouldn't procreate. Or they would procreate during infatuation, then the mother would then selfishly abandon motherhood. Love drives relationships, it does exist and it does work for many people. You talk like attachment is wrong, without it you wouldn't be here now. Your parents clearly love each other to see past the ebbs of life, your mother clearly loved you to nurture you. If you don't want to be part of the cycle of life and you view things differently, that's your perogative. But don't come on here judging everybody like they are beneath you and somehow deluded in their ways.

pocketsaviour · 20/05/2015 13:25

I'd be interested to know what responses you thought you might get on Mumsnet, compared to the ones that you got when you posted this identical thread on bodybuilding.com and on a MRA forum?

Pinklaydee1302 · 20/05/2015 13:32

Ok mr no mates ....go back your grey life and let us LIVE ours

BoreOfWhabylon · 20/05/2015 13:43

Hah pocketsaviour, I saw the bodybuilding posts too!

OP has also posted other incisive thoughts there, eg

" It would take a very unique women for her to convince me to have sex with her"

and

"Getting cancer can be the best thing that ever happened to you. There are people who get terminal cancer with 6 months to live and they say that"

Anniegetyourgun · 20/05/2015 13:58

"It would take a very unique women for her to convince me to have sex with her"

Well that might be true, but not necessarily in the way he means.

SevTSnape · 20/05/2015 14:04

How can you say I am addicted to drama? You've never met me, you don't know me.

I was making a point, but you seem to go around spouting your opinion as if it is fact. I imagine you're also one of those that believes in conspiracy theories, such as 9/11 being an inside job etc. BUT - that is not me telling you that is what you are, that is me telling you what I think you are.

I have been in a toxic relationship which was very EA and DV on both sides. I'm not proud of that time of my life at all, but I wouldn't change that time of my life because the experience has helped me become the person I am today. I'm completely NC with ex, but I hope she is a better person from the experience as well.

However, I am now in a very happy relationship and I don't know if I could've managed it without my previous experience. It feels like we are best friends living together, making a life together and just having fun. It's a wonderful experience, it truly is. Occasionally, my MH issues make the relationship hard, but we now know how to cope with those moments, and since discovering it was a MH issue, we are working very well together.

As someone whose parents divorced when I was a toddler, I was very much against marriage and monogamy, but now that I have experienced the wonderful happiness that someone can bring to your life, I would love for my DP to get down on one knee... I have considered asking him too.

If you plan on being alone forever, OP, then that is your choice, and I respect that. However, I do not appreciate the way you are preaching to us. I do not appreciate anyone trying to tell me how to live my life. I am happy and to me, that is all that matters. I would not tell someone who is single that their life is miserable and they should shack up and marry the first person who comes along. So please don't tell us we should all be single to be happy. That's for us as individuals to decide.

missqwerty · 20/05/2015 14:18

Here's another post from the body building forum by the OP! Clearly he thinks that he is the pearl of all wisdom-

"The more you focus on women the worse your life will be. Someone has told you that you need them for something or that they will add value or give you something that don't already have so you are trying to get validated. The moment you really give all this up, are ok with giving it up and aren't using giving it up as a technique to get women is the moment you'll see the light and the moment that things will start happening to you…you're still trying to make it happen instead of let it happen. Women want to bang, period. And they want to bang right now. While you're busy wasting your time talking to them, all of these women are banging someone else who doesn't talk to them. No matter what you want long term, the path is the same. Stop pursuing and the avalanche will begin..."

SOrry OP but not all women are that naive, the shit you spout there doesn't apply to us all. I certainly am repelled by men that use the chase to attract women, I'm attracted to men who are upfront and genuine with zero drama or mind games.

pocketsaviour · 20/05/2015 14:21

Women want to bang, period. And they want to bang right now. While you're busy wasting your time talking to them, all of these women are banging someone else who doesn't talk to them.

Apart from the ones who are posting on Mumsnet, obvs.

TBH I'm getting the impression OP is still in his teens, or perhaps early twenties. It'll get better, son.

FredaMayor · 20/05/2015 14:28

It'll get better son - the weed may not be helping either...

FredaMayor · 20/05/2015 14:30

....and the yoga classes must be a revelation.

LadyBlaBlah · 20/05/2015 14:36

Psychopaths find it hard to truly love people.

Just saying.

nicenewdusters · 20/05/2015 14:46

That's all terribly interesting op, but the question we'd really all like you to answer is whether or not you wash your car keys ?

Also, are you related to David Icke ?

Stormtreader · 20/05/2015 15:37

"Women want to bang, period."
Ah, I see whats going on here then.

The OP is a Nice Guy. A Nice Guy whos been ground down by all the selfish women in the world who hes talked to and yet, unaccountably, they didnt then want to have sex with him. I expect the woman the OP was In Love With led him on mercilessly, talking and being friendly, until eventually revealing her cruel Womanly nature in that she already had a boyfriend and thought they were just friends. The evil cow!

So now he preaches his grand mission of how Love Is A Lie! Because he Loved a woman, the image of her he had in his mind (while watching her covetously from a distance as she spoke to friends, went shopping etc) and yet shes banging That Other Guy. This is true heartfelt High Drama!

IrianofWay · 20/05/2015 15:44

FWIW I agree the 'being in love' is like a sickness. It's a temporary imbalance of hormones and it can make you feel great and it can make you feel out of control. Is life simpler alone? Probably.

However it is possible to have a happier life with someone than without. Maybe you need to let go of traditional expectations though. Long-term relationships are not meant to make you happy, they are meant to be a stable, secure foundation for you to go on and make yourself happy. Ditto your partner.

50shadesofknackered · 20/05/2015 16:08

What a load of old shit! You have a very strange view on women and life in general IMO. You sound odd and bitter. You've either had a bad break up or you're having trouble getting a woman in the first place.if this is why you truly believe I feel for you a bit, you'll end up living grey, empty life. Good luck with that!

SevTSnape · 20/05/2015 16:18

ooohhhhhh, I get it now!

This is the guy who's mother came on here to try and get a woman to take his virginity!

Soz, OP, this is the reason you're still a virgin

weedinthepool · 20/05/2015 16:22

Love isn't a construct! Either by society, the individual or the mind. I love my 3 children, that's not fine, I feel it. If you are not preoccupied and you are 'free' from love what the fuck are you doing hanging around relationship boards?

Look love, you are not Jean Paul Sartre and your arguments are rubbish. Go do some more thinking.

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