DH has left again

[AndHarry]

Third time in as many years. He sat me down last night and said he was unhappy and thought we should separate. I asked him what he was unhappy about and what I needed to change. It was difficult to pin him down to anything but then it came out: he wants me to do things for him like sew buttons back onto his shirts and fix his trousers when there's a hole in the pocket or the hem has dropped. That's it. He wants to put me through all this again because of a few buttons. It's so incredibly pathetic I would laugh if I wasn't crying.

What it actually boils down to is that he wants to feel respected as the manly head of the household, even if he hasn't put it like that. As I told him last night, it's difficult to respect him when I feel like his mother: organising everything, picking up after him, reminding him of essential things that need doing for the kids, coming into the kitchen many days to find it full of dirty crockery from the day(s) before (I cook, he washes up), struggle to tidy up because the bins are overflowing (his job) and have to cajole him into coming out with the kids instead of sticking on a DVD and lying on the sofa all weekend. I have tried and tried in as many ways as I could think of to make things easy for him and do things for him but get ground down by the sheer laziness of his response. The more I do, the less he bothers.

I said I would do everything around the house if that would stop the arguments and resentment, just to be stonewalled with 'it won't work'. I asked him to try doing the household chores he had agreed to do, consistently, and got 'it won't work'.

I pointed out that I had supported him in going to the gym every morning before work and going out with his friends several nights a week so that he gets his own time. Apparently 'it's not that'.

I said how hurt I was that he had complained about what I cooked so I only made the things he said he wanted but he still orders pizza for himself. How hurt I am that when I did as he asked and made his lunches he didn't eat them, preferring to get fast food instead. 'Shrug'.

The fact is that he has a pretty cushy life but, as he repeatedly points out, he is the 'breadwinner' while I only work because I want to, so anything wrong around the house is immediately my fault for not being wifely enough.

I ended up screaming into my pillow with sheer frustration. He didn't come to bed and this morning he wasn't in the house and his car has gone.

Another fall to the tax office to sort out tax credits tomorrow. Another time trying to keep myself together for the kids, dealing with their anxieties over their dad being gone, pretending that he's in meetings or at the gym every evening. Dealing with my parents' disappointment again.

I'm sorry this is an essay. I don't want anything, just needed to get it out.

Take ibuprofen and if necessary alternate with paracetamol to get you through. Then take as much rest as possible.

And eat some proper food too. :)

Nurofen cold and flu, power through til tomorrow evening. I don't mean pull an all-nighter of course!

I survived! Although not without half-convincing myself that I was in the early stages of an OPSI (lethal infection in people without a functioning spleen) before figuring out that my painfully stiff neck was probably caused by the office air conditioning rather than meningitis Who knew divorce would turn me into a hypochondriac?! What a numpty.

A friend shared some self-care tips on FB that I think might help on bad days. Here they are: Everything is awful and I'm not ok: questions to ask before giving up.

The nice news is that mutual friend is talking to me again :)

early stages of OPSI

Just out of interest, how is your spleen? Nice you can laugh at it!

Glad your friend has pulled himself together.

My spleen has been incinerated, so probably somewhere in the atmosphere enjoying the view!

I'm glad too. He was the first RL person I told about all this and I was counting on him for support.

OG! I'm so sorry, I had no idea please ignore my last post.

I know it shouldn't be said on MN but LOL! I am laughing at it, and myself, quite a lot.

Mega multi-rant alert.

To STBexH. Note the soon. I do not have the money or the patience for you to sit on letters from my solicitor for a week before even bothering to read them, then faffing around 'considering it properly' before deciding to seek legal advice. Consider what?! Whether you will be divorced or not? Whether you agree to the petition terms, which I had the courtesy to send you a full week before you received the official letter? Every time you go off to dream up some ridiculous theory about me having an affair or some other way in which this, like everything else, could not possibly be your fault, I get billed by my solicitor for his time spent chasing you up. I am divorcing you, I am not going to change my mind or take any more time to think things over, I'm not taking you to the cleaners or taking the DC away from you. Just. Sign. The. Papers. And when you are asked to send back a letter, send a letter! Not an email! Also, because I am a nice person, I packed a bag of DS's essential things, including his homework, for you to collect when you passed the house on your way to collect him from school. If you don't consider it worth your precious time to read my text properly, do not expect me to run around dropping things to your house miles away when you suddenly realise you need those things after all! And I am not joking about taking your hideous air conditioning unit to the tip if you don't collect it tomorrow. I couldn't care less that it cost over £300, more fool you, I have been asking you for the past 6 weeks to take it away. On that point, I haven't failed to notice that you have made zero effort to collect your own belongings, instead leaving it to me to pack everything for you into nice manageable bags for you to collect at your own convenience. A thank you would be polite, you insufferable, arrogant manchild.

To my solicitor. I do not expect to be billed horrendous amounts of money for complaining about your substandard work. I have now instructed you not to undertake any further work at additional cost to me without my express written permission. Hopefully that will stop you from writing 2 sides of A4 in smug, patronising prose next time you want to comment about my lack of legal training. At my expense

To lovely lady who teaches 5yo DS at church. You are a star and I really thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your work and time with him, for which you are unpaid and during which you miss your own classes and time with your family. Thankyou. Please understand that I do not have the time or energy to coach and coax him into giving a talk or learning 2 songs every week. We get home at past 5 every day because y'know, I work. The last thing either of us wants to do is homework. He gets enough of that from school. I will say this nicely to you in person.

To Tesco delivery drivers. I know the parking outside my house is terrible. I live here. I am sorry that I have steps up to my front door. I did not choose this house and have lugged a baby, toddler and pram up and down those steps for several years, so I know it's a pain. The reason I pay for you to deliver to me is so that I don't have to contend with the parking or the steps, while juggling two small children and a week's worth of shopping while my not-so-darling-husband looks on from the sofa. Please stop moaning about it. At least to me.

To my line manager. As we are in full-on recruitment mode, it does rub just a little bit that the people I'm recruiting and training will be earning more than double what I do for the same job, in which I have far more experience than any of them. I know you have requested a promotion and a serious pay rise for me, thank you, but if that does not materialise in the next month or so, I will be actively looking elsewhere.

To DD. I know it's hot daring but please, go to sleep. Lying on your bedroom floor for 3 hours every evening while you alternately demand a drink, a new nappy, a wee wee, a poo poo, a story, a song, the Lion King, your baby, your doggy, a cuddle, a kiss, a hand-hold, call Grandma, call Auntie M, call Auntie S, call baby Ry-Ry, mummy close eyes, mummy open eyes, mummy shh, mummy naughty... is really boring.

To me. You do not have an eating disorder, rosacea, suspicious moles, an OPSI or meningitis - MENINGITIS !!!!! - and you are NOT pregnant! For goodness' sake get a grip before you turn into one of those hypochondriac, self-absorbed drama-llamas that bore you stiff.

In general:

• £350 on new tyres for the car?!
• Hayfever (I really do have this one ;) )
• Wrong complimentary sauce from the Indian takeaway: :(
• Tonsils that I was supposed to have out last year but got kicked off the waiting list because I had work commitments. I hate you and you will be cut out with a very sharp knife just as soon as I and the NHS can manage it. And after the summer holidays, of course.

I went over to my parents' house for a hug and some sympathy, but luckily for them they were out so I can share the rage with you lovely MNers instead :)

Oh Holy Shit ........ have a cool shower, big glass of something....
It will improve, KOKO !

ummm will these help ???

To STBexH.
"Send the signed divorce papers by X time. If not, I'll simply go to court.
Collect things for DS yourself or buy them.
Your stuff WILL be taken to the tip if not collected by X time. Air conditioning and other belongings."

And then let go and think of something.

:o It's days like today when I'm very glad I don't drink as otherwise I'd be a raging alcoholic. A stiff gin is sometimes tempting. Instead, I have a DVD pinched from my parents' house

Thanks all. Now you can see why I'm on anti-D's for PMT!

Have you considered relaxation techniques?

Maybe a brisk walk?

A martial art? If it's available where you are, try Krav Maga. Or boxing. Something you can let go of all the rage without acrobatics or Karate Kid style training. :)

Yes, I have a self-hypnosis CD that I use most nights. I've been for a walk and when I'm not feeling so rough with hay fever I'm quite into the Jillian Michaels kick-boxing workouts. I do feel much better now but earlier I had that stupid call from H and I'd just had enough.

Crikey OP. Have you considered changing solicitor?

Plenty of times. I considered it tonight but H has finally said he's going to sign the thing so I hope the worst is over and it will be a case of sign, file, repeat.

Why on earth is the silly bint writing smug letters to you at all? She should be doing what is necessary and that is it. I don't suppose that, in your kick-boxing persona, you can refuse to pay for it?

Anyway, here's some stuff for you , something there should help a bit!

Because I pointed out that the statement he prepared bore absolutely no relation to the facts and H would be unlikely to sign it. Apparently my lack of legal training makes me unqualified to comment on what happened in my own marriage and I should leave it to the expert

Anyway... The DC are staying at my parents' house tonight and I told DM about the 'Harry's having an affair' story. She did exactly the same as the two friends I've told face-to-face did: laugh, ask where he thinks I would have had the time, and generally be incredulous. That's great to any sensible person but later on the rebel in me started feeling a bit defensive I briefly pondered which men I know might want to have an affair with me, couldn't think of a single one, then realised that as I was spending my child-free Friday evening cutting the grass and weeding the path I could hardly expect any different! When on earth did I become such a boring homebody? I ditched the gardening and have organised a night out with the girls, woohoo!

The night out is not to organise an affair, just to get out of the house and have some fun. I thought I should probably clarify that...

Harry, it truly does get better you know. The day will come when you get some 'me' time in the evening, you will feel ok with the world and the stbxh is exactly that. It may take a while, but keep it in your sights.
But, do give your solicitor a kick up the arse - you're paying them, not the other way round.

Thanks, I'm sure it will. It feels so odd having all this time to fill. There's plenty to do but the range of available options is overwhelming sometimes.

I wonder how much he'd charge me per kick? :o

I find it amusing that your soon to be ex was whinging that you weren't making him feel manly enough, when he isn't a man himself but simply a snivelling, worthless green discharge.

I don't know, I think he could go a few different ways from here. In no particular order:

1. Get counselling for the very deep-seated issues he has, grow up and turn into the great man I think he could be;

2. Carry on as he is, probably re-marry quite quickly, slide away from his religious beliefs and end up the worst version of himself that I worry he could be;

3. Slowly turn into his dad, in a financial mess but never seeing any of his problems as of his own making and living in a fantasy world where could be king if only he wanted to be;

4. Commit suicide.

I hope for number 1, fear for number 4, worry about number 2 and expect number 3.