Enabler FIL dying DH in pieces

[NCwithOutlaws]

I don't know if any of you remember my previous thread which was about Narc MIL and Enabler FIL writing to my DC's headteacher asking for an update on progress. We've been NC with Pil for several months.

Now DH has had several flying monkeys contacting him telling him his F is in hospital dying. D is in bits crying. He feels conflicted as he knows from Therapist the letter to headteacher was deplorable, threatening and game playing. Furthermore, that they'd crossed a line and that there is no chance of reconciliation as result. However, with the bombardment of messages from relatives telling him how he should be there for his father, let bygones be bygones and so forth he's in bits. I'd appreciate any thoughts.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

What, your DH thinks the medical experts are wrong?

I think if your FIL is seriously ill in hospital it wouldn't hurt for your DH to visit and ask after him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"He thinks that the medical experts are wrong and that people who have a very vested interest in getting him to toe the line are right".

Who is the "he" you are referring to here, your DH?.

[Miggsie]

Your DH is being manipulated - hospitalisation and illness is a common tactic of people who are manipulative.
The number of times my grandmother was having a stroke and dying and we all had to rush round - it was a demonstration of power, nothing more.

If the doctors say it is non life threatening, they are most likely right.

When the flying monkeys next ring ask exactly what the medical condition is and the prognosis.
Then ring the hospital and check with them - what is the prognosis and likely date of release.

Then your DH will see they are just using this as way of getting back at him.

If your DH goes, then finds it was all a trick - will he be prepared to cut them off forever? Otherwise they'll do it again and again.

Illness (strokes and cancer are the top choice) are a great way to manipulate people. My grandmother was dying for well over 30 years. Only my mother ever dared suggest she was faking it.
When my grandmother actually was dying my mum was so sick of it we didn't visit at all.

[hereandtherex]

Bite your lip and don't say anything.

Buy a bottle of your favourite booze from when the old twat pegs.
Whoops of joy and corks a'popping when my MIL died.
I had to go through the motions with DP but, deep down, it was a dancing partaaaay.

[NCwithOutlaws]

Sorry the "he" is DH.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why does your DH think the medical experts are wrong?. (He after all has not had several years of medical training).

[NCwithOutlaws]

He thinks they're wrong because several different family members have told him that FIL is dying and may not last the next couple of days.

[sykadelic]

When my DH and I went NC for a few years with MIL (and FIL avoided us as a result), we received a text from MIL at some point during the NC period saying words to the effect of she "had breast cancer and we didn't even care". We spoke to FIL who said she had a mammogram, there was an abnormality and they were waiting on the biopsy results. They just thought it was a cyst. We never heard anything after that so... yeah... not breast cancer.

We are talking now but only because MIL is better at controlling her manipulation and I think because she realises we WILL cut her off again if she tries any of her nonsense.

If DH wants to go check on FIL then he should, but I think he needs to think about what he will do. If he goes there sobbing, apologising etc etc then they've won and all that work to see their manipulations is for naught. I would assume that the in-laws wouldn't all be there at the same time so I'd go with him, wait outside the room so he can chat to FIL and then leave if the other family members come or FIL tries anything.

[Miggsie]

Multiple relations are ringing to tell your DH the FIL is dying because they have been told to - they believe the story they have been given.
Doesn't make them right - it makes them gullible and manipulated.
That's why they are flying monkeys - they have bought into the fantasy that the PIL construct around themselves.

[mojo17]

Exactly the misinformation would not be coming from the medical professionals
Has he asked the flying monkeys/relatives who told them that he is dying?
If he decides to go it would be a perfect opportunity to speak to the docs before he goes in to see him to really get the facts and then he could decide to actually see him or leave.
It oil so hard for him to think that his family are not telling hi. The truth but they have are possibly relaying lies he has to at least see that

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I wonder if the flying monkeys were told by your MIL that her H is supposedly dying. What have the flying monkeys here based this on?. This misinformation is not coming from the medical professionals.

I am probably on safe ground also when I state that MIL is enjoying all the drama that is surrounding her H, she is lapping it up. She also has the flying monkeys doing the work for her as well. Those people as Miggsie rightly states are both gullible and manipulated.

[Meerka]

What miggsie says. If the hospital says there's no danger - the relatives have been told to say that he's dying.

It really is extremely common for controlling relatives to say they are at death's door. Very very common - and a low trick.

There are two options:

1. when the flying monkeys come along, tell them that according to the hospital doctors in charge that there's no danger and really, they themselves have been heavily misinformed, it's a pity, they ought to speak to the hospital doctors themselves.
   
   
2. go, and stay reserved and strong. ONLY suggest this if he isn't at risk of getting sucked in again. Given the hospital's assessment, this is 100% a calculated effort by someone to ensnare him again. It would be used as a reason to establish LC again and then to build on that to full contact and efforts to control him again.
   
   
   The downside of saying that the hospital have said there's no danger is that if anything should happen (doctors are not infallible) it might make your husband feel bad. But he can only go on the best information he has, and the docs are a helluva lot more reliable than a number of hoodwinked and untrained relatives.

[NCwithOutlaws]

Thank you all for your wise words.

Based on his behaviour and words this weekend I know he is at risk of being sucked back in again if he goes. However, it's his decision. I've made it clear that if he does go that our DC will under no circumstances going with him. Our therapist said that DC should have no contact with their paternal Aunt nor GPs as they are far too manipulative and toxic.

Once again thank you all for taking the time to reply. It really helped.

[PeppermintCrayon]

Surprised by the number of people saying he has to go to the hospital if FIL is indeed dying. It's just not that simple. It's just not.

[differentnameforthis]

PeppermintCrayon No, it's not

I would be weary...it could be a ploy to get him sucked in again. I hope you dh doesn't walk in with his eyes wide shut!

He needs to be very careful!

[PeppermintCrayon]

If one of my narc parents was dying, people telling me I had to go to the hospital would not be appreciated.

In the event that this does occur, your DH needs to take care of himself and think carefully how to do that before rushing back into the grip of his family and exposing himself to further manipulation and abuse at a time when he will be vulnerable.

One of the things I have worked through in counselling is how to cope when my abusive parents really are dying. I strongly suggest your DH does similar.

[NCwithOutlaws]

Thank you Peppermint and different. I completely agree with you both. Speaking to Therapist is something he was reluctant about but I'm going to insist he does so that he can work through his conflicting emotions.

[rockybalboa]

Is there any chance your DH can run this by your therapist before he goes and gets sucked in? I personally would be very surprised if it was the doctors who were wrong and the nightmare manipulative flying monkeys who are right but maybe your DH can't see this.

[rockybalboa]

x-post!

[differentnameforthis]

Good Luck!

[Homebird8]

Just supposing that the doctors are wrong and your FIL died. Perhaps your DH could think about what happens then. There would be a funeral and presumably a gathering of more family including the flying monkeys. If he had seen his F then it would be hard not to be sucked into the drama which is bound to be associated with the funeral. If he had chosen not to go he would still have the choice of not attending the funeral or going if he felt he wanted to. He has that choice anyway but it's harder to stay away if he's been in contact around the death. And then after seeing him and then a funeral, it's even harder to go NC again with the rest of the clan.

[NCwithOutlaws]

Precisely. He said it himself on Sunday that he is not strong enough to be sucked back into those negative and emotionally draining relationships.

His family know exactly what buttons to push to get a reaction and on Sunday he came ever so close to crumbling. He's agreed to talk things through with a Therapist instead of waiting until one of his parents is actually in their death bed.

[NCwithOutlaws]

*not to be sucked back in

[Pico2]

I'm a bit surprised that your therapist has been so directional. I don't disagree with what you are doing, but I thought that therapists assist you to make your own decisions rather than giving instructions.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Good lord. Does he really think that the family are more likely to be right because there are more of them?

I didn't mean to imply he should go to the hospital, but that if he felt he should and it turned out not to be serious he could cut them out again. But if he isn't strong enough to reinstate NC once broken then perhaps he shouldn't.