Enabler FIL dying DH in pieces

[NCwithOutlaws]

I don't know if any of you remember my previous thread which was about Narc MIL and Enabler FIL writing to my DC's headteacher asking for an update on progress. We've been NC with Pil for several months.

Now DH has had several flying monkeys contacting him telling him his F is in hospital dying. D is in bits crying. He feels conflicted as he knows from Therapist the letter to headteacher was deplorable, threatening and game playing. Furthermore, that they'd crossed a line and that there is no chance of reconciliation as result. However, with the bombardment of messages from relatives telling him how he should be there for his father, let bygones be bygones and so forth he's in bits. I'd appreciate any thoughts.

[KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable]

Wait for the test results.

[Icimoi]

Well, the relatives were telling your DH at the weekend that FIL might only have two days to live, and he's now past that period. Might that help him to believe what the hospital says and not the relatives?

[NCwithOutlaws]

Cross posts. Nope. But did ask several times if it's a particular type of cancer and they said they're awaiting test results.

[NCwithOutlaws]

Thank you all.

[RandomMess]

Has your DH actually told the nursing staff what he's been told so they can refute it?

It's such a classic tactic

Your poor DH being made to suffer by their game playing

[paddlenorapaddle]

Hang in there NC we've been NC with the PIL's from hell DH decision for nearly 8 years it does take work but its like breaking an addiction it may well take several attempts but you can get there together.

First things first your DH needs support to build his self esteem back up his parents have really done a number on his self esteem which is what is making him doubt himself and keep ringing up the hospital for updates

Defo back to the therapist

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I hope your therapist can help your DH find some inner strength and peace surrounding this.

If FIL does turn out to be terminal I'll eat my hat then the idea of visiting out of hours so as not to bump into other toxic flying monkeys might be a good one.

OP I'm sorry you are (both) going through this. My dad really is dying of cancer and my parents are bonkers and difficult and a bit poisonous sometimes, and that is hard enough - but it's nothing like what you guys are dealing with.

[NCwithOutlaws]

Meerka, incredibly it hasn't. I think it's due to the fact that his uncle told a very detailed account of the FIL's cancer. That coupled with the emotive words: "you're the man now", "they need you" and "do the right thing". Pulling at the heart strings much

[Meerka]

I hope your husband can keep his feet on the ground. The senior sister's assessment has to help!


so perhaps will time, when probably FIL will miraculously get better.

[NCwithOutlaws]

The lies are detailed about FIL's cancer. Apparently it's an aggressive and incurable strain which is clearly different to the medical practitioner saying on Sunday that it is not terminal.

The drama and control games continue .

[Meerka]

Then it sounds like his uncle has either been lied to extensively or has a vested interest in thinking FIL is dying. Because he actually scoffed rather than saying 'what, really? I must ask her myself!", I suspect that he has a vested interest I'm afraid.

[NCwithOutlaws]

Annie, even today when he called for an update he was told by a Senior Sister that FIL seems well in himself and that they're waiting for test results. Shortly after DH spoke to his uncle who told him that it's cancer and FIL hasn't got long. When DH repeated what the Senior Sister had told him his uncle scoffed in disbelief. Which then led DH back to feeling very upset and conflicted.

It's frustrating for me as he won't think objectively and rationally. I feel like I'm watching a car crash in slow motion.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Good lord. Does he really think that the family are more likely to be right because there are more of them?

I didn't mean to imply he should go to the hospital, but that if he felt he should and it turned out not to be serious he could cut them out again. But if he isn't strong enough to reinstate NC once broken then perhaps he shouldn't.

[Pico2]

I'm a bit surprised that your therapist has been so directional. I don't disagree with what you are doing, but I thought that therapists assist you to make your own decisions rather than giving instructions.

[NCwithOutlaws]

*not to be sucked back in

[NCwithOutlaws]

Precisely. He said it himself on Sunday that he is not strong enough to be sucked back into those negative and emotionally draining relationships.

His family know exactly what buttons to push to get a reaction and on Sunday he came ever so close to crumbling. He's agreed to talk things through with a Therapist instead of waiting until one of his parents is actually in their death bed.

[Homebird8]

Just supposing that the doctors are wrong and your FIL died. Perhaps your DH could think about what happens then. There would be a funeral and presumably a gathering of more family including the flying monkeys. If he had seen his F then it would be hard not to be sucked into the drama which is bound to be associated with the funeral. If he had chosen not to go he would still have the choice of not attending the funeral or going if he felt he wanted to. He has that choice anyway but it's harder to stay away if he's been in contact around the death. And then after seeing him and then a funeral, it's even harder to go NC again with the rest of the clan.

[differentnameforthis]

Good Luck!

[rockybalboa]

x-post!

[rockybalboa]

Is there any chance your DH can run this by your therapist before he goes and gets sucked in? I personally would be very surprised if it was the doctors who were wrong and the nightmare manipulative flying monkeys who are right but maybe your DH can't see this.

[NCwithOutlaws]

Thank you Peppermint and different. I completely agree with you both. Speaking to Therapist is something he was reluctant about but I'm going to insist he does so that he can work through his conflicting emotions.

[PeppermintCrayon]

If one of my narc parents was dying, people telling me I had to go to the hospital would not be appreciated.

In the event that this does occur, your DH needs to take care of himself and think carefully how to do that before rushing back into the grip of his family and exposing himself to further manipulation and abuse at a time when he will be vulnerable.

One of the things I have worked through in counselling is how to cope when my abusive parents really are dying. I strongly suggest your DH does similar.

[differentnameforthis]

PeppermintCrayon No, it's not

I would be weary...it could be a ploy to get him sucked in again. I hope you dh doesn't walk in with his eyes wide shut!

He needs to be very careful!

[PeppermintCrayon]

Surprised by the number of people saying he has to go to the hospital if FIL is indeed dying. It's just not that simple. It's just not.

[NCwithOutlaws]

Thank you all for your wise words.

Based on his behaviour and words this weekend I know he is at risk of being sucked back in again if he goes. However, it's his decision. I've made it clear that if he does go that our DC will under no circumstances going with him. Our therapist said that DC should have no contact with their paternal Aunt nor GPs as they are far too manipulative and toxic.

Once again thank you all for taking the time to reply. It really helped.