I AM AN ABUSER

[realtruth]

I am an abuser.
It’s something that just dawned on me.

When I was 17 I was in my first ever relationship... My first ever relationship plus first relationship with someone of the same sex. She was a lot older than me. Very clingy, I didn’t even get to walk out the college gates without her being right there to pick me up... I stopped seeing my friends because she wanted me to herself... I liked it... then suddenly her friends came back into her life. And I became very jealous. And insecure. I wanted her to myself. I didn’t want her to have friends. They didn’t like me, so I didn’t like them. I hated her talking to them about our issues. In fact I hated her talking to them at all. I was manipulative. And would get upset anytime she wanted to see them.
I kept breaking up with her because I knew how I was behaving... how we were both behaving was unnsceptable... she used to call me names etc. my dad was physically abusive and my mum was in hospital for the duration of our 10 month relationship, she was all I had, id stay at her house to escape from my dad. And I didn’t want to share her with anyone.

In the end I broke up with her because I couldn’t cope with how the relationship was. She would use her granddads death as a reason why I couldn’t break up with her. (I first tried to break up with her 2 weeks in but she would say “my granddad died a year ago and I’m lonely” and I’d feel bad and stay...

When I broke up with her she stalked me for about a year after...

Then she got with someone else. And my jealousy started again. I told her new partner that she had pushed me down (which she did when she was drunk and angry but I was telling her because I wanted her back) my ex was very big very big and I was very small...

Anyway... looking back now im an adult. I really feel awful for this. And people say people are abusers on purpose. But I’m a good person... and never had any plans to turn into what I did... I loved her so much. And I have always been a jealous person. She said I belonged to her and I was happy with that. I want to belong to someone. So when her friends came back into the picture. I couldn’t take it. There is no excuse. My dad didn’t want me my mum was in hospital. And she was all that wanted me. So I felt like her friends were taking her away from me. Her friends used to call me an n* (racial word) and created a YouTube channel harassing me and making fun of me. So that’s more why I didn’t want her seeing them.

So here I am now. Married and married to an abuser. We separated. And still in the abuse because he is here all the time with the kids... people say what he does is on purpose. The lies the mind games... The getting pleasure in me being ill and he having to look after me... but now I realised. He is insecure. He has had a bad life were everyone has left him... so what if he like me isn’t being an abuser on purpose. Now I feel I should take him back and accept him for who he is. I feel worthless and depressed when he’s around. But he also does everything for me. Again I have gone with someone a lot older than me.
What is love? He is jealous and wants me to himself. And his full of anger when I hurt his feelings.
With my ex I loved her. Was very jealous and didn’t want anyone around her but me.
I know I am a bad person... but I didn’t mean to be. So perhaps my husband doesn’t mean to say what he says or do what he do.

Thank you for reading. I needed to get this off my chest. I had never seen a well-balanced relationship before. As my dad used to knock me into next week and manipulate the crap out of my mum. So when I met my ex I didn’t know how to act. But I don’t think I’ll ever be in a relationship that isn’t dysfunctional because I don’t know how to be.
I would prefer to not be emotionally and psychological abused because it’s very draining. And exhausting. But I don’t mind being owed by someone who really loves me, will do anything for me. Like my ex did. I don’t mind not having a social life like I didn’t with my ex because she didn’t want me to.
And I would prefer physical violence. Because I know what to expect with that. Obvcourse I would prefer to avoid it. But I have resigned myself that I will always be in a dysfunctional relationship with someone who is obsessed with me, very odd. And not normal who would prefer I was ill so I would be all there’s. That is who I attracted
All I know is I have regrets treating my ex the way I did. I was born jealous. I was born very jealous and I will die just as jealous no matter what I do...

Thinking... the person I married moved miles away from his home. And now has no friends. He doesn’t want to make any despite me trying to get him to be more social. But I just realised I probably would be just as jealous if he did make friends if we were together. I’m like a dog that needs to be put down.

Is there an abusers class I can go to to change me? Because I really don’t mean to be this way or calculate anything etc like apparently abusers doo..yet I am an abuser.

I know what people say about abusers so I am prepared for the insults. But I cant change. Without finding how.; to find out how I had to admit the truth. The shameful truth. I never physically hurt anyone. But being manipulative jealous and not wanting her to see her friends is enough. No one has a right to feel they own someone. Yet I felt like she was mine. The same way she felt I belonged to her and would be waiting outside the gates at college so I couldn't go anywhere with my friends. I now know this isn’t normal.. but at the same time.. I know it doesn't bother me like it should.

LimpidPools - but what if he will never hurt me again? because he wont ever get the chance to im a grown woman now. and he lives hours away so not like il be seeing him often. if this one visit makes his day and perhaps it may make me feel better having a dad in my life again i gues. giving him the chance to be what i needed when i was growing up. im not so sure. i have ignored his texts/calls.. but i wont know if im seeing him i gues till i wake up and do or dont

I'm not an expert on evil people

IME perfectly good people are capable of horrendous acts, that's all.

I have no idea how I'd react if DH had an affair, or what he'd do if I did (not bloody likely!) - it all depends on context. So yes, I find your ex's statement a bit odd: "I'll never leave you" said almost sounding like "And you'll never leave me either" being missing and a bit threatening almost.

I think abusive language when used in rage and upset often escalates a conflict rather than helping resolve it in such a way that both parties can live with the outcome.
AND it's much easier to hit somebody you've just called a cunt…

annie- thank you so much. i know i have improved since i was 17 which is a plus.. i do wonder what made me realise my behavours are of someone whw was abusive today.. nothing happened today i just started thinking of her then it was like a lightbulb momment for me

i do think that some abusers dont want to change because they dont get that light bulb momment that it actually is them.. mayeb they genuinly think its the other fault because there so messed up in there minds they dont see it.. maybe they dont get the lightbulb momment..

i think there are different types of abusers. ones who are calculated do it on purpose to wear there partner down and gain control of them.
and others like me i gues who really dont meen to exibit certian behavours. but do so but once they realise they want to change. when i was 17 i had no motive or anything. or any thoughts in my mind to act the way i did. it just happened.

I think what you're missing is probably the father that you deserved and not the father that you perhaps have. I completely understand your need to find out, and I'm certainly not telling you not to.

However, unfortunately, he is probably in many ways the same man he always was. All I wanted to do is give you a kind of permission to walk away again if you want to. (Not that you need my permission. God no, I'm a stranger on the internet, but sometimes it helps to hear that actually it's ok to do that.) My strong feeling is that you should be kind to yourself. Whatever that means to you in the situations that arise. And being kind to yourself is not the same as selfishness.

The choice is always yours, and I really hope that you manage to make decisions about your life that make you feel comfortable and allow you to be happy.

pacific dog actually that is intresting you say that because actually that is exactly how i saw it " il never leave my husband no matter what because he would never leave me no mattter what." so i stayed longer than i wanted to lol wow that is reallly intresting because when he said that in the loving way he did i did not think " Oh he must mean im not leaving either" but that was essentially what kept me in the relationship..wow this is very strange for me right now that you got that from that

The first reply you had, although it sounded a bit flippant, was very true. Very few of us have managed to grow into our best selves at 17. It is not the same as a 40 year old who is set in their ways and who has had every opportunity to learn to do better.

limpid :) yes i do need permision :) And its very strange you say that and put it like that because it some what takes the preasure of me, and i thank you for the permision because i feel i need it. to make me not feel as bad. i know deep down i dont want to see him. even if it does turn out to be this amazing renuinian. im managing fine without him..

thank you limpid i wish i had you in my pocket.

does that mean i still have hope limpids? and means that i might not be like i was when i was 17 when i go into another relationship? i do really want to change xx

the say when you know better you do better.. unfortunatly i dont know much ahaha

Yes, real, you will change because as you said earlier...you have had that lightbulb moment.

I don't think abusers plan to abuse, in my experience my abusive partners all had shitty lives and most of them are in what appears on the surface to be healthy relationships now. I think maybe after many failed relationships sometimes they have that lightbulb moment you mention?

Of course you have hope! There are a couple of things you can give some thought to perhaps. One is treating other people like you would like to be treated yourself. And the other is doing the best that you can with the information you have at the time. You're a bit older now and have a bit more information available to you. And as a previous poster already said, you don't like the way you behaved at 17. You're not keen to do it again. That's a really, really good sign. (Which strongly suggests that you'll be ok.)

But, you know, you won't be perfect all the time. You'll make mistakes. You'll behave unreasonably. That's what people do. But it's like being on a diet. Just because you had one biscuit when you didn't want to, it doesn't mean you have to go on to eat the whole damn box. If you make a mistake, you accept it. You apologise. You move on and you try not to do it again. But you don't assume that it completely defines who you are as person.

That's not a get out of jail free card. You don't get to just do what you please the whole time and say sorry and forget all about it. That's not what I mean - and not what I'm suggesting you would do. But you know what you don't like. Unfortunately, you've been shown a whole lot of what you don't like and so you will probably accidentally copy it from time to time. But you have the power to see that it's not ok and to stop doing it. Without hating yourself.

And you probably now a lot more than you ever wanted to, or than you would ever want your own kids to have to learn.

*know

Oh and to answer your earlier question, even in a healthy relationship you occassionally say things to each other that you shouldn't...as long as you are sorry and apologize afterwards.
Difference of opinion and rowing are not abusive.

Op

If you get time Google a website called hiddenhurt. Look out at the side bar for personal stories of men and women who have been abused. It might be good for you. You will see yourself and your ex partners behaviour in the stories and read the effect it has.

Similarly stop looking back, look forward. It's doing you no good to look at that relationship. Your getting nothing from it.

I accept your idea of love is twisted. A normal relationship is accepting that the other person exists independently of you. You aren't one but two individuals. With a life together but also apart, friends, family, jobs etc.

Anyone demanding to be the centre on a persons universe is going to become unpopular with that persons friends and family because you are trying to isolate them.

thanks so much for explaining everything

the first one i can do :) i treat people in general better than i want to be treated lol

and that is so funny how you word things. i am defo the you eat one cookie HAVE to eat the whole box lol so perhaps there is some traits here that i will be working on :)

i do feel alot better about this :)

I'm glad you feel better. When I said treat people as you want to be treated, I just meant decently though. Don't give more than you can afford to and don't give more than they deserve (that's where the working with the information you have bit comes in - you get to think "if I was a selfish wanker (for example) what's the best I could hope for?" And then you still get to decide if you're ok with giving it.

You will probably have to learn how to treat yourself kindly at the same time as treating other people well. It's not something that is easily learnt overnight, especially if it has never been successfully modelled for us.

I wish you all the luck in the world with this.

Oh, I'm so glad you feel some of this has made you feel better.

Use that lightbulb moment - what you've come to realise about yourself is not a 'verdict', it's a starting point. Work with that.

I am not religious in the least but think that the 10 commandments have a lot of very profound truth in them: 'Love thy neighbour as yourself' - implying IMO that the ability to truly treat other people with respect and love (in all its many different meanings) we have to love ourselves, really accept ourselves as we are, warts an' all .

Re permission: it is often really helpful to be given permission to do something we hesitate to do even though we know it right, but have been conditioned not to do, by a perfect stranger. Most people think what they know is 'normal' and a perfect internet stranger can hold a mirror up, so to speak, and say 'no, this is not what you have to do'.

Onwards and upwards - you sound strong and capable, keep on trucking!