I am an abuser.
It’s something that just dawned on me.
When I was 17 I was in my first ever relationship... My first ever relationship plus first relationship with someone of the same sex. She was a lot older than me. Very clingy, I didn’t even get to walk out the college gates without her being right there to pick me up... I stopped seeing my friends because she wanted me to herself... I liked it... then suddenly her friends came back into her life. And I became very jealous. And insecure. I wanted her to myself. I didn’t want her to have friends. They didn’t like me, so I didn’t like them. I hated her talking to them about our issues. In fact I hated her talking to them at all. I was manipulative. And would get upset anytime she wanted to see them.
I kept breaking up with her because I knew how I was behaving... how we were both behaving was unnsceptable... she used to call me names etc. my dad was physically abusive and my mum was in hospital for the duration of our 10 month relationship, she was all I had, id stay at her house to escape from my dad. And I didn’t want to share her with anyone.
In the end I broke up with her because I couldn’t cope with how the relationship was. She would use her granddads death as a reason why I couldn’t break up with her. (I first tried to break up with her 2 weeks in but she would say “my granddad died a year ago and I’m lonely” and I’d feel bad and stay...
When I broke up with her she stalked me for about a year after...
Then she got with someone else. And my jealousy started again. I told her new partner that she had pushed me down (which she did when she was drunk and angry but I was telling her because I wanted her back) my ex was very big very big and I was very small...
Anyway... looking back now im an adult. I really feel awful for this. And people say people are abusers on purpose. But I’m a good person... and never had any plans to turn into what I did... I loved her so much. And I have always been a jealous person. She said I belonged to her and I was happy with that. I want to belong to someone. So when her friends came back into the picture. I couldn’t take it. There is no excuse. My dad didn’t want me my mum was in hospital. And she was all that wanted me. So I felt like her friends were taking her away from me. Her friends used to call me an n* (racial word) and created a YouTube channel harassing me and making fun of me. So that’s more why I didn’t want her seeing them.
So here I am now. Married and married to an abuser. We separated. And still in the abuse because he is here all the time with the kids... people say what he does is on purpose. The lies the mind games... The getting pleasure in me being ill and he having to look after me... but now I realised. He is insecure. He has had a bad life were everyone has left him... so what if he like me isn’t being an abuser on purpose. Now I feel I should take him back and accept him for who he is. I feel worthless and depressed when he’s around. But he also does everything for me. Again I have gone with someone a lot older than me.
What is love? He is jealous and wants me to himself. And his full of anger when I hurt his feelings.
With my ex I loved her. Was very jealous and didn’t want anyone around her but me.
I know I am a bad person... but I didn’t mean to be. So perhaps my husband doesn’t mean to say what he says or do what he do.
Thank you for reading. I needed to get this off my chest. I had never seen a well-balanced relationship before. As my dad used to knock me into next week and manipulate the crap out of my mum. So when I met my ex I didn’t know how to act. But I don’t think I’ll ever be in a relationship that isn’t dysfunctional because I don’t know how to be.
I would prefer to not be emotionally and psychological abused because it’s very draining. And exhausting. But I don’t mind being owed by someone who really loves me, will do anything for me. Like my ex did. I don’t mind not having a social life like I didn’t with my ex because she didn’t want me to.
And I would prefer physical violence. Because I know what to expect with that. Obvcourse I would prefer to avoid it. But I have resigned myself that I will always be in a dysfunctional relationship with someone who is obsessed with me, very odd. And not normal who would prefer I was ill so I would be all there’s. That is who I attracted
All I know is I have regrets treating my ex the way I did. I was born jealous. I was born very jealous and I will die just as jealous no matter what I do...
Thinking... the person I married moved miles away from his home. And now has no friends. He doesn’t want to make any despite me trying to get him to be more social. But I just realised I probably would be just as jealous if he did make friends if we were together. I’m like a dog that needs to be put down.
Is there an abusers class I can go to to change me? Because I really don’t mean to be this way or calculate anything etc like apparently abusers doo..yet I am an abuser.
I know what people say about abusers so I am prepared for the insults. But I cant change. Without finding how.; to find out how I had to admit the truth. The shameful truth. I never physically hurt anyone. But being manipulative jealous and not wanting her to see her friends is enough. No one has a right to feel they own someone. Yet I felt like she was mine. The same way she felt I belonged to her and would be waiting outside the gates at college so I couldn't go anywhere with my friends. I now know this isn’t normal.. but at the same time.. I know it doesn't bother me like it should.