I AM AN ABUSER

[realtruth]

I am an abuser.
It’s something that just dawned on me.

When I was 17 I was in my first ever relationship... My first ever relationship plus first relationship with someone of the same sex. She was a lot older than me. Very clingy, I didn’t even get to walk out the college gates without her being right there to pick me up... I stopped seeing my friends because she wanted me to herself... I liked it... then suddenly her friends came back into her life. And I became very jealous. And insecure. I wanted her to myself. I didn’t want her to have friends. They didn’t like me, so I didn’t like them. I hated her talking to them about our issues. In fact I hated her talking to them at all. I was manipulative. And would get upset anytime she wanted to see them.
I kept breaking up with her because I knew how I was behaving... how we were both behaving was unnsceptable... she used to call me names etc. my dad was physically abusive and my mum was in hospital for the duration of our 10 month relationship, she was all I had, id stay at her house to escape from my dad. And I didn’t want to share her with anyone.

In the end I broke up with her because I couldn’t cope with how the relationship was. She would use her granddads death as a reason why I couldn’t break up with her. (I first tried to break up with her 2 weeks in but she would say “my granddad died a year ago and I’m lonely” and I’d feel bad and stay...

When I broke up with her she stalked me for about a year after...

Then she got with someone else. And my jealousy started again. I told her new partner that she had pushed me down (which she did when she was drunk and angry but I was telling her because I wanted her back) my ex was very big very big and I was very small...

Anyway... looking back now im an adult. I really feel awful for this. And people say people are abusers on purpose. But I’m a good person... and never had any plans to turn into what I did... I loved her so much. And I have always been a jealous person. She said I belonged to her and I was happy with that. I want to belong to someone. So when her friends came back into the picture. I couldn’t take it. There is no excuse. My dad didn’t want me my mum was in hospital. And she was all that wanted me. So I felt like her friends were taking her away from me. Her friends used to call me an n* (racial word) and created a YouTube channel harassing me and making fun of me. So that’s more why I didn’t want her seeing them.

So here I am now. Married and married to an abuser. We separated. And still in the abuse because he is here all the time with the kids... people say what he does is on purpose. The lies the mind games... The getting pleasure in me being ill and he having to look after me... but now I realised. He is insecure. He has had a bad life were everyone has left him... so what if he like me isn’t being an abuser on purpose. Now I feel I should take him back and accept him for who he is. I feel worthless and depressed when he’s around. But he also does everything for me. Again I have gone with someone a lot older than me.
What is love? He is jealous and wants me to himself. And his full of anger when I hurt his feelings.
With my ex I loved her. Was very jealous and didn’t want anyone around her but me.
I know I am a bad person... but I didn’t mean to be. So perhaps my husband doesn’t mean to say what he says or do what he do.

Thank you for reading. I needed to get this off my chest. I had never seen a well-balanced relationship before. As my dad used to knock me into next week and manipulate the crap out of my mum. So when I met my ex I didn’t know how to act. But I don’t think I’ll ever be in a relationship that isn’t dysfunctional because I don’t know how to be.
I would prefer to not be emotionally and psychological abused because it’s very draining. And exhausting. But I don’t mind being owed by someone who really loves me, will do anything for me. Like my ex did. I don’t mind not having a social life like I didn’t with my ex because she didn’t want me to.
And I would prefer physical violence. Because I know what to expect with that. Obvcourse I would prefer to avoid it. But I have resigned myself that I will always be in a dysfunctional relationship with someone who is obsessed with me, very odd. And not normal who would prefer I was ill so I would be all there’s. That is who I attracted
All I know is I have regrets treating my ex the way I did. I was born jealous. I was born very jealous and I will die just as jealous no matter what I do...

Thinking... the person I married moved miles away from his home. And now has no friends. He doesn’t want to make any despite me trying to get him to be more social. But I just realised I probably would be just as jealous if he did make friends if we were together. I’m like a dog that needs to be put down.

Is there an abusers class I can go to to change me? Because I really don’t mean to be this way or calculate anything etc like apparently abusers doo..yet I am an abuser.

I know what people say about abusers so I am prepared for the insults. But I cant change. Without finding how.; to find out how I had to admit the truth. The shameful truth. I never physically hurt anyone. But being manipulative jealous and not wanting her to see her friends is enough. No one has a right to feel they own someone. Yet I felt like she was mine. The same way she felt I belonged to her and would be waiting outside the gates at college so I couldn't go anywhere with my friends. I now know this isn’t normal.. but at the same time.. I know it doesn't bother me like it should.

how can jelousy be born out of insecurity.. i wasnt insecure at birth. yet ive always been jelous?

Well, because children are more likely to thrive with a parent who is happy about who she is, confident in her choices wrt partners, loves herself enough to love others unconditionally.
I did not mean to say anything negative about you as a mother at all.
I think the fact you posted your OP says something about the conflict you have within yourself.

How can anybody have been jealous 'at birth'?
Who told you that?

If all sounds a bit strange and distorted tbh.

im nto sure how i go about relationships i have only had 2 in my whole life lol and im 24 :/ one was the girlfriend the second i married.. so not much experiance there

pacif i mean iw as jelous from birth because my earliest memorys of jelousy was when i was 2 or 3. and i was jelous about this boy could ben who gave this girl yvvone a lolly pop. sounds normal but i was very angry about it

anyway what i mean is everyone has a level of jelousy but i can be jelous of a stranger

Id like to make it clear though i sound as crazy as someone in a mental assylum. I am a fully functioning adult lol who looks after her kids and manages just fine lol these are just the things that go on in my head , my genuine worryes. but nothing that has manifested itself to effect my life or my family in a negitive way. i have a very healthy and happy relationship with my children.

give over a child is more likely to thrive with someone who is happy with who there is. GOD someone help most of us then because im pretty sure most people arnt fully content with who they are. jeeze guys you are just to much. my kids are bloody thriving just fine. god can you imagine.. that was one thing i was confident i was doing okay with. more than okay infact. one thing im getting right.and yal just ripp that right out of my grasp jeeze

How about you guys lay of my kids? as thats one thing i dont need advice on. and stick to telling me how to cure this abusiveness within relationships. and how i can get my ex help even if we dont get back together.

Just because it goes on in your head, does not make it any less real or painful or difficult to deal with.
Why did you post? Did you just want to vent or are you looking to change anything?

err you had my sympathy until the last post. crazy. mental asylum???

you are not an abuser. you are still very young and at 17 with an older gf i can't quite see you an abuser.

I don't know how you have managed to enjoy your life by being as you are.

Your children's personalities and behaviour are made up of your behaviour, what they have seen and heard, been exposed to growing up.

Just like you really. You didn't manage to survive in a emotionally healthy relationship and the children will witness the dysfunction.

I'm not critisizing you here but you need to know that your children are a product of their environment. You say you are both abusive characters so don't underestimate the effect of that on the children. It won't be necessarily be apparent now but once they have adult relationships then you will see.

Oh, and you don't sound 'crazy' btw.

You cannot get you ex to behave any differently than he does.
You can only change your response to his behaviour.

I'm glad you and your DC have a good relationship, I was not implying otherwise.

buzzarbard honestly ive had counseling and come to terms with my past and infact i am supposed to be seeing my dad tommorow after 5 ish years. so hows that for getting over the past. my past didnt make me pretend to my ex that her friends had bad mouthed me on msn as a reason why she shouldnt talk to them. this is not normal behavour. this is what people class as a buse in the context of an adult relationship. i was with an adult a fully grown adult. so i would say its an adult relationship. so due to it being in that catogry if you tick what an abuser does. i fall into that catigory. what im looking for is ways to change.

Sorry x posted.

Go to the GP. And tell him you need help for serious jealousy issues.

Getting your ex help is not your concern tbh. But you said he is with you and the kids all the time and you are still being abused, so I imagine this is why people are worried for your children's emotional well being? They will pick up on things even if you think they are unaware.
I wouldn't focus on being 'abusive' in the past relationship; it sounds dysfunctional but you don't sound any more abusive than she was. I would seek help to talk through your issues from childhood though, as this is probably affecting the types of relationships you get into and your self esteem. Also, being jealous doesn't last necessarily ! I was a very jealous teenager but at 39 I can honestly say it's not an emotional I remember feeling for a very long time.

the original . well im fine without your symptathy what the heck? why would i post saying im an abuser and your giving me sympathy keep your sympathy hun thats not what im after. and i am exagorating. i feel by some of your responces you think im crazier than i actually am

the original. its such a shame you say that because just because i was the younger person does not make what i put her through any less.. just because she was older doesnt mean i couldnt be the abuser... ( i am just saying in general someone can be younger.

and by the way pacific. though i dont love myself I LOVE MY CHILDREN UNCONDITIONALY. thanks.

Therapy is the only option I'm afraid. I don't think you should see your Father, it will stir up (and obviously has) everything you feel from your childhood.

Labels like Crazy, Abuser etc aren't going to help. You need to go back to square one with the therapy.

I hope you find answers.

why are people arguing with me telling me i am not an abuser.. if i posted this as a 40 year old man. you would be different in your responce. how can i fix this if people keep saying " because your young your not an abuser" well i aint gonna be young forever. what if i am 40 and still like this. i dont want to make someone feel like they can only be with me and no one else.. i dont want to feel how i felt with my ex when she went out with friends..

op, while no abuse is ever justified, it can often be explained. Let me give you an example:

When I was seventeen I went out with someone who was five years older than me. he had had a troubled upbringing; his parents had dropped him off at boarding school when he was seven and never come back. Consequently he was taken in by one of the teachers, but the insecurity was always there, the knowledge that he had been thrown away without so much as an explanation and had no idea where his parents and siblings had gone.

Throughout his teens he tried to cultivate relationships. He was generally a kind, caring person who people found funny, entertaining, but reality is that he tried too hard.

And then we got together. In the beginning all was well, but as his feelings for me intensified he became more and more possessive, fuelled I think by his fear of losing me - he'd never had anyone before, and he didn't see himself without me. The jealousy became unbearable - I wasn't allowed to have friends either male or female, if I talked to people he questioned why, he tried to control my every movement, would ring me sobbing that I had been talking to someone he perceived to be a threat - etc etc. It was incredibly wearing.

Then one day I went to talk to a friend he didn't approve of, he objected and I told him that I would do as I pleased. In order to stop me he grabbed me and hit me. I ended the relationship then and there.

I don't actually believe that he was a bad person. But that doesn't justify the way he treated me, but what he went through as a child does IMOgo some way towards explaining why he acted in the way he did. but pleast do note that there is a difference between explanation and justification, and the one does not equal the other.

it is possible that your xh has some deep-rooted issues in his past which have made him the person he is now. But the way to get past those would be for him to undergo serious therapy in order to get past those issues and deal with the behaviors that have resulted from them. In the meantime you do not deserve to be in an abusive relationship, and so your only avenue here is the one out of this relationship.

Similarly if you have issues from your past which have led to jealousy now you can seek help to get through those, as well as to overcome the guilt from your past relationship.

Nothing is insurmountable, but the recognission that your behaviors can be destructive is the first step to changing things to hopefully do things differently and find future healthy relationships.

No need to shout

And what QuiteLikely said.

Hope you meeting with your dad goes well.

buzz, i dont much want to see him either but he text me saying " im coming up to see you and the kids on the 16th hope thats okay" ( he is not seeing the kids as i dont want them to know him) but i agreed id go. part of moving on is forgivness. ive noticed alot of similarities between me and my dad unfortunatly.. so i gues i forgive him.

im sorry pacific for shouting.. i am very sorry and there was no reason to get moody with you

CAN that person come back who was suggesting something about an agreed submissive relationship please?!

Have you looked into the " freedom programme".
It can also explain the cycle that you get into with controlling relationships and how to break the cycle, so you can recognise an healthy relationship.