please help me judge whether this is ok or not, I have noone in RL to ask.

[alwaysaskingquestionz]

A couple of things have happened that once again made me question whether I'm being touchy and oversensitive and looking for a problem in everything my DP does, or whether he is genuinely being unreasonable. I cannot make this judgements myself and I have nobody at all to ask.

DP gets frustrated when I cannot do certain things he has asked, moving heavy furniture, map reading and flat pack to name a few. (I have other talents in the arena of sewing and baking squidgey chocolate cakes, we can't be good at everything IMO!). This takes the form of huffing and puffing, eye rolls, comments like 'you can't have really tried', generally being in a visibly wound-up mood directly due to my failure to complete said task.
(FYI - I always try my best. Tis one of my 'things'). Here's where it gets difficult - he doesn't shove me, call me names, tell me to fuck off, and it's difficult to explain how subtle this is, but he conveys a general air of being dismissive, disappointed in me, and angry that I haven't done what was asked.

Example 2! Heating is fooked. Apparently I woke DP up in bed last night by 'forcibly lying next to him' (verbatim!). He was annoyed enough to tell me this morning. I suggested that I could use a sleeping bag until the heating is fixed, as I was completely unaware I was doing this and must have been cold and cuddling up to him instinctively (surely anyone else would thing this was sweet?!). DP then had a MASSIVE go because I failed to 'apologise for the pain and suffering I caused him'.

Yes, 'Pain and Suffering'.

When we talk about these things I'm told that it's normal for him to feel frustrated with me. I agree completely but have suggested that being frustrated does not justify unkindness or rudeness, we should still show each other care and respect; DP disagreed and basically told me that if he is frustrated by me, the fact that I am the cause makes it automatically reasonable and expected that he should get angry AT me.

Remember, he has never called me an awful name, hit me, told me to fuck off, so as far as I know he is being completely unreasonalbe and I'm being over sensitive? I know everyone gets angry at everyone sometimes but I just think there's no real need to make someone else feel small just because they pissed you off, if they didn't mean to do it.

Once I asked him if he's aware of the impact his bad moods and associated taking out on me has on my happiness, my confidence? He countered this by citing the impact my depression has had on him. So I can't get very far in a discussion to resolve these things as we ALWAYS end up discussing something I've done wrong which is just as bad/worse!

If you've stuck with me this far, thankyou. Please help. I can't go on like this.

Is it ok for someone to come home having had a bad day and take it out on the other person? Or wake up grumpy and be passive aggressive and unkind just because they're tired? I honestly don't know if this is ok, that's why I'm asking.

And this ^ is NOT ok.

If a person has a bad day, talk it through with the other person, don't inflict it on them - it is not ok to take out your bad mood on someone else, particularly when the mood is not their responsibility or within their control. That is bullying.

If a person wakes up grumpy because they are tired, they need to either go to bed earlier or learn to manage their own mood - DP is not a 5 year old child or a moody teenager. He is a man accountable for his own behaviour.

It's not OK.

Did need to read your whole op to realise you are with a Controlling arse.

Thiamin your life now. Your choice if you want it to get worse which it will if you stay with him, or leave and give yourself a chance to meet someone lovely.

I'm concerned by the fact that you have no-one in RL to share this with.
Why is this? Does your OH not like to share you or do you have trouble making friends?

Sounds like my ex

So there's your answer !

Is it ok for someone to come home having had a bad day and take it out on the other person? Or wake up grumpy and be passive aggressive and unkind just because they're tired? I honestly don't know if this is ok, that's why I'm asking.

Definitely NOT OK.

I have bad days and can wake up grumpy. At worst I withdraw a bit and let people know that I am grumpy and I'm best left alone or quiet for a while.

It's not an excuse to lash out or to be unkind.

but can I ask, what do your partners do when something has pissed them off and they're in a bad mood around you?

They usually just want a hug, or a sit down, or just say 'I've had a shite day, i'm exhausted/angry at x/can't be arsed to do y' and we have some food, either have a rant with each other at the shiteness/person [not AT each other, note] and I crack a joke and direct some swears at the thing/person and we get on with it. We might go for a walk, pop to the garden to get some fresh air. Same with me, I'll usually go for a lie down/snooze and if I can't be arsed to cook, he will or we will get a takeout. That doesn't happen very often though as I do enjoy cooking more than takeouts.

In my mind, why would I take it out on him? It's not his fault. Likewise it's not mine. Don't stay and be a verbal punchbag love. It really isn't the way to go.

No, not okay to take one's mood out on others. It's fine, IMO, for someone to say they are tired, for example, and to need a bit of downtime, but stropping and making it into someone else's fault is not adult behaviour, by a long chalk.

OP yes, relationships are a compromise. There's good and there's bad, and sometimes we get grumpy with each other. But over all, both of us attempt to make the other one happy, so if one of us is doing something which makes the other one unhappy, we talk about it, and decide between us whether the person doing it can stop, or whether it's a reasonable thing to do and so the person who doesn't like it has to change their reaction to it.

It's a two-way street. If your DP is always the one "tired" and grumpy (tiredness is a classic excuse for abusive behaviour, btw) and you're not allowed to act the same way towards him, then that's not ok. How would he react if you behaved the same way towards him as he does towards you? But you wouldn't do that, because you have more consideration. He doesn't seem to have much consideration for you.

Dh has a stressful job, he often feels stressed when he comes home. After a few conversations about the effects his stress has on the whole family, he now comes home, might be a bit uptight for a little while and then tries to do something nice with the children to cheer himself up. Like snuggling up and watching the Simpsons.
If he has been short with any of us he will apologise that evening once he cops himself on (or I tell him to cop on). His words 'I'm sorry for being snappy with you, I was stressed about work, but I shouldn't take it out on you', then we might have a hug.

There is sometimes a time for giving the out-of-sorts person space and sometimes a time for offering constructive help. Usually as an adult I imagine it's down to the grumpy one to sort themselves out and not make the whole house suffer. It's infantile expecting a partner to endure rages and sulks.

If he has a monopoly on being impatient and demanding it must be demoralising.

What do YOU do when you are in a bad mood, always? Do you take it out on your partner yourself?

To what extent are relationships a trade in though?

To the extent that it doesn't compromise your integrity, and brings you more benefits than sacrifices.

This relationship compromises your integrity, given the absence of respect and kindness.

but can I ask, what do your partners do when something has pissed them off and they're in a bad mood around you?

Have been lurking on this thread OP and felt the need to answer this.

My OP is rarely irritable despite his job, doesn't try to twist his moods onto me or make me responsible for his feelings. The last time he was a bit off was due to some stress at work. He came home and looked stressed. I asked him what was wrong and he told me. He said he needed some time alone and took the dog for a long walk. When he came back, he said he was sorry if he'd snapped at me (he hadn't BTW) and wanted a cuddle.

Now I appreciate that we're all different. I'm a moody bugger myself but I accept responsibility for my actions and really try not to take out my frustrations out on others. Your OH should be doing the same. He should not be projecting his feelings on to you or yo-yoing between declaring undying love for you or behaving like a dick.

Oh and he accepts that I'm better at some things than he is. He's brilliant at making things and I'm excellent in the kitchen. We're different but complement each other. It's called a partnership.

remember the old saying:

Before you diagnose yourself with depression, first make sure that you are not just surrounded by arseholes x

When I have had a bad day and I am short with my children (don't have a partner) I smile immediately and say 'I'm ok just a bit stressed. Not with you give me 10 minutes for a bath and I will be fine'. I do the same with adults too.

I have been trying to convince myself that the good times (which to be fair is most of the time) make up for and outweigh the bad moments. But I've read all the posts and they all remind me instantly of every time this has happened and the sinking 'giving up' feeling I always have when I decide there's no point trying to make him understand anymore. Then it's forgotten until the next time. But there have been too many times and everyone on this thread, real people with independent thoughts, has said I'm in the right, so this gives me confidence. I am completely financially dependant on him at the moment, I expect and hope that this will change soon. I can't make plans until then.

I can't imagine life without him but I keep getting visions of spending long lovely days with a nice friendly happy bloke and a couple of cute wriggly babies, I know this isn't him. It's scary and heartbreaking but there it is.

And yes, he is Mr Right, and yes we met when I was young and vulnerable. Although to buck the trend - he did done truly awful cruel things right at the start, I was too blind and headstrong to admit it was wrong and just put my best years into it, and gradually things got (marginally) better.

When I'm annoyed I take a deep breath and control myself, cos I'm an adult and I don't think it's worth hurting other people, in fact I couldn't bear it. When I do ever snap I immediately apologise.

Always there are options for you - you don't have to stay with this man because you are financially dependant on him... Do you have any friends or family who could help you out in the short term?

At least start making some plans for yourself - this situation is not going to get any better and the longer you stay where you are the worse it is going to get. Don't waste any more of your life on a man who doesn't value you.

I don't have any friends. I'm not good socially, people don't seem to stick around. It's just me on my own. Family are great but they live abroad. I can't earn any money for the next few months. He's supporting me completely which makes me feel guilty for even considering leaving.

always It is possible that he has also played a part in isolating you socially to a certain extent and I am also sure that he is pretty pleased you feel dependant on him too, whether he would acknowledge it or not...

You have nothing to feel guilty for at all... I am financially dependant on DH at the moment - I lost my job before Christmas and fell PG very shortly afterwards so haven't been able to find a permanent job, although I have been temping here and there. Although I absolutely appreciate and value DH supporting me, I don't feel guilty that he is or indebted to him and he would absolutely hate it if he thought I was feeling that way - we are partners - when one has a tough time, the other one picks up the slack - that's how it is supposed to work.

Could your family help you out with some money in the short term? It just seems to awful that you are so unhappy but have to stay where you are... There has to be an alternative for you.

I am sure someone else will come along with some much better ideas than me but I am thinking of you and I hope you are ok.

I very much doubt the good times are most of the time

• or, if they are, they are heavily dependent on you 'behaving yourself', making sure you don't upset him, or annoy him. I bet you know exactly what he doesn't like, what not to do or say around him...

People like this actively train their partners. They specifically, deliberately, carefully train them with cruelty: get it wrong and it will sting, you will be punished. The more they know you, the more they know what to use to punish you to greatest effect.

It happened again today but I saw it coming this time. Mostly due to this thread. I think I was punished for not going along with what he wanted. He's being really really nice to me now

He doesn't sound very nice and you don't sound happy with him.

Hi OP,

There are red flags and abuse alerts all over your posts. He blames you for everything that goes wrong. He behaves appallingly by being cruel and undermining and then blames you for his appalling behaviour! He nitpicks and sets you up to fail at things he already knows you are not good at. And you get punished for standing up to him.

Definitely do not have children with this man.

He will get worse. I wonder if his controlling behaviour has coincided with your earning potential dropping? He thinks he's got all the cards. You are now more dependent on him and he thinks he should have all the power and control. He does not think like you think. He is not on your team. He senses weakness and doesn't see you as equal to him. He is waiting to crush you.

You don't see your relationship this way. Doesn't matter. To him it is a power game of winner and loser. You have to be the loser, as far as he is concerned. He gets to be in control and you are trained to stay in your place. Scary. Quite a shock that it is happening to you. This sort of thing happens to other people doesn't it? (Don't worry that's what I thought too).

You have been with him for eight years, but only recently is he showing you his true self. Don't think the old one is coming back. This is the real him. I'm really sorry, but it's a very familiar 'abuse story'. It happens gradually, no-one is abusive all the time, there are still 'good times' which eventually peter out completely. By then your head is spinning on its vertebrae.

Just think what it would be like if you had a baby with him? Believe me, do not have a child with a controlling man. He will kick you when you're at your most vulnerable and it is frightening. He doesn't have to 'do' anything like hitting, swearing etc. but he can still turn your life into a waking nightmare. I've been there and I could hardly work out how he did it.

Really and truly, please consider leaving this man. He won't make you happy. Start finding the nice man to have your lovely wriggling babies with. You know this in your bones. Stay with that feeling. It'll be rough for a while, but it will be worth it.