please help me judge whether this is ok or not, I have noone in RL to ask.

[alwaysaskingquestionz]

A couple of things have happened that once again made me question whether I'm being touchy and oversensitive and looking for a problem in everything my DP does, or whether he is genuinely being unreasonable. I cannot make this judgements myself and I have nobody at all to ask.

DP gets frustrated when I cannot do certain things he has asked, moving heavy furniture, map reading and flat pack to name a few. (I have other talents in the arena of sewing and baking squidgey chocolate cakes, we can't be good at everything IMO!). This takes the form of huffing and puffing, eye rolls, comments like 'you can't have really tried', generally being in a visibly wound-up mood directly due to my failure to complete said task.
(FYI - I always try my best. Tis one of my 'things'). Here's where it gets difficult - he doesn't shove me, call me names, tell me to fuck off, and it's difficult to explain how subtle this is, but he conveys a general air of being dismissive, disappointed in me, and angry that I haven't done what was asked.

Example 2! Heating is fooked. Apparently I woke DP up in bed last night by 'forcibly lying next to him' (verbatim!). He was annoyed enough to tell me this morning. I suggested that I could use a sleeping bag until the heating is fixed, as I was completely unaware I was doing this and must have been cold and cuddling up to him instinctively (surely anyone else would thing this was sweet?!). DP then had a MASSIVE go because I failed to 'apologise for the pain and suffering I caused him'.

Yes, 'Pain and Suffering'.

When we talk about these things I'm told that it's normal for him to feel frustrated with me. I agree completely but have suggested that being frustrated does not justify unkindness or rudeness, we should still show each other care and respect; DP disagreed and basically told me that if he is frustrated by me, the fact that I am the cause makes it automatically reasonable and expected that he should get angry AT me.

Remember, he has never called me an awful name, hit me, told me to fuck off, so as far as I know he is being completely unreasonalbe and I'm being over sensitive? I know everyone gets angry at everyone sometimes but I just think there's no real need to make someone else feel small just because they pissed you off, if they didn't mean to do it.

Once I asked him if he's aware of the impact his bad moods and associated taking out on me has on my happiness, my confidence? He countered this by citing the impact my depression has had on him. So I can't get very far in a discussion to resolve these things as we ALWAYS end up discussing something I've done wrong which is just as bad/worse!

If you've stuck with me this far, thankyou. Please help. I can't go on like this.

I have suffered from depression

I have had nothing but support and love from my DH, though I have felt guilty, and I know it has not been easy for him

But he has done it because we love each other and I'd do the same for him.

You are NOT being over-sensitive. You are being human

....the Mr Smiley Normal behaviour will follow any episode where he has dumped his aggression on you (and found the experience very refreshing, no doubt).

He can then guilt trip you because you are still angry, and haven't got over it yet - while he's being so nice today. It's a clever trick, isn't it?

Btw - I think your map reading, flat pack and furniture moving skills will blossom when you're not being undermined in this relationship.

He enjoys putting you down.

Whereas Kindness and respect are the number 1 requirements in a life partner.

He is no partner to you.

Yup

I have worked with children who have been abused. It makes them muddle-headed, vigilant, anxious, unable to do their best. I think this is what happens to anyone who is repeatedly told, or behaved-towards, as if they aren't good enough

He sound horribly abusive, OP. Please leave him. There's an interesting thread on mumsnet with abuser profiles - sounds like a Mr Right to me. You should take a look. Not sure how to link but heres the thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

Oh the link worked

This behaviour you describe is not acceptable. It is subtle but wears you down.
I was with someone like this for years - I thank my lucky stars I moved on from this man who was angry with the world, including me....but his behaviour towards me was as you've described - never "shouty shouty" or physical, but subtle undermining of my confidence.

I am now married to a lovely man, sure we both have strengths and weaknesses but we are kind and respectful to each other and are a team.

It takes time to move on from something like this but you deserve to be happy.

I would also question whether your family really do love him, I doubt they would if they read your post.

Not sure of your situation with regards to children - my wake up moment was when I realised that I could not expose any potential kids to his subtle mean comments and constant undermining of me, when I am a successful woman in my own right. One time he was so mean he left me shaking and that was my lesson.

Good luck.

I failed to 'apologise for the pain and suffering I caused him'.

lmao! tell him the only 'pain and suffering' experienced will be by the door hinges as you slam it shut after his emotionally abusive arse!

If the best thing you can say about a person is that they don't hit you, swear at you or call you names, well that's not a very high bar is it?

This man is a shit. And I bet he appeared at a point in your life when you were unhappy and vulnerable to begin with. I also bet that he is in a job that he considers 'beneath him', or was regarded as a Bright Young Thing in a fairly overcrowded field when he was young, but he wasn't bright enough to become a megastar.
Because right now he's an inadequate loser who is bullying you to make himself feel better. You say your family think he's 'wonderful' - were they very critical of you when you were a kid? Did your father bully your mother? Sometimes horrible parents actively encourage a man to bully the daughter they have decided is 'bad' and needs to be kept under control ie browbeaten into submissive misery.

Great post SGB

He's constantly setting you up to fail isn't he.

He sounds foul - a big fat bully who makes you feel disgusting and 'less than'. Just so horrible to chide you for inadvertently cuddling up to him in the night. As for 'pain and suffering' - what a complete bastard.

I too think your depression will vanish when you offload this vile piece of work.

Hello Always

Map reading - AA Route planner or google maps, type in place A then place B it will provide you with written instructions, mileage, google photos. Sat navs are great in the dark or in one way systems in a strange city.

Flat pack - You can employ local people who specialize in putting these together for a fee

However it seems to me that you are fed up of the drip, drip of criticism
I suspect that in the near future one more moan will be the "straw that broke the camels back"

You have two choices let the remarks roll off your shoulders without a care or you can get angry

Everyone is good at something, everyone is bad at something

If he asks you to do something you dont want to do, suggest just saying NO eg heavy furniture

Have you tried saying no at the point of asking ?

OP, this is not how someone who loves you, treats you. You deserve SO much better. Please don't continue with this.

normal for him to feel frustrated at me

How long are you going to put up with this bullshit?

Look up "Gaslighting"

Always - just because you've been with him 8 years is no reason to continue to put up with it. I had years of thinking my ex would change (ie I could change his attitude by becoming more competent / less annoying).....he didn't.
As someone else said above, once you get out of this corrosive situation, you should feel better - funnily enough my ex wanted me back when he saw the happier and more confident person I became on my own with him. Being single was far less lonely than being in that relationship.

I spent many months lurking on relationship board posts as I came to realise that I was also in an emotionally abusive relationship.

always as others have confirmed, this isn't right. Trust your intuition please! I wish I had, this subtle undermining has been the whole story of my 25 year marriage, (complicated in my case by the fact that we are both in the same construction related profession so I was always being called on to 'prove' myself) and it will get worse. I'm divorcing him now, the litany of my failings he's come up with is staggering and comical (for instance I don't program the tomtom fast enough, wtf? and I have too many pairs of brown boots) so you'd think he would be delighted to divorce but sadly not.

But what I wanted to add...it's not totally relevant but something I've had to deal with in my own mind, is that he really does FEEL these things. He really does feel anger/rage/disappointment at your abject incompetence to live up to Perfect Woman who lives in his mind. He's not pretending just to make a point. So that's why the only advice is to leave, you cannot make him see that on balance you're actually a great person, and of course you shouldn't have to. That 'pain and suffering' comment says all you need to know about his entitled self centeredness.

You have two choices let the remarks roll off your shoulders without a care or you can get angry

I disagree, she has more choices.

Has Mr Wonderful fixed the heating yet? No? Start huffing

It's called emotional abuse. Everything you have written about the nasty things he has said is followed by you agreeing you did something wrong or apologising.
He is using passive aggressive techniques to run you down. Please see it for what it is

To what extent are relationships a trade in though? I'm worried that I'm expecting too much, that because he's supportive of my career and makes me laugh and all the good things, that it's normal for there to be some bad points that I should just get on with. I'm not explaining myself very well. Just that there are so many good bits to the relationship, should I not be happy? Maybe the problem is with me?

No children, I want them at some point but I'm scared to put myself in the position of relying on him and needing him (he has been shit at supporting me in the past, is much better now though). Reading back none of this looks good.

I think I just don't have any perception anymore of what is normal and how much of someone's bad mood you should be reasonably expected to put up with, as part of being a supporting partner.
Is it ok for someone to come home having had a bad day and take it out on the other person? Or wake up grumpy and be passive aggressive and unkind just because they're tired? I honestly don't know if this is ok, that's why I'm asking.

Oh and I don't want anyone to think I'm arguing or disagreeing, everything that's been said has been frighteningly bang on, and I am so thankful for all your opinions, this is so helpful, I feel understood for the first time in this which is nice as it's normally a confusing swirly mess in my head.

Killing my own thread here.. but can I ask, what do your partners do when something has pissed them off and they're in a bad mood around you?

No children, I want them at some point but I'm scared to put myself in the position of relying on him and needing him (he has been shit at supporting me in the past

Please read this back lovely - this along with everything in your OP tells you everything you need to know about this man and how he views your relationship.

If my DH is pissed off and in a bad mood around me, he will say "I am in a bad mood because of..." and we will talk it through together. He is not often in a bad mood BECAUSE of me, because we would already talk about it before that point - reasonably and respectfully and without apportioning blame. Living with another person can be difficult sometimes but it shouldn't be THIS difficult. You are walking on eggshells around this man and you deserve much, much better.

The fact that you state

He hasn't hit me called me names or told me to fuck off

Reiterates how much he has dented your coinfidence that you seem to think you are lucky