please help me judge whether this is ok or not, I have noone in RL to ask.

[alwaysaskingquestionz]

A couple of things have happened that once again made me question whether I'm being touchy and oversensitive and looking for a problem in everything my DP does, or whether he is genuinely being unreasonable. I cannot make this judgements myself and I have nobody at all to ask.

DP gets frustrated when I cannot do certain things he has asked, moving heavy furniture, map reading and flat pack to name a few. (I have other talents in the arena of sewing and baking squidgey chocolate cakes, we can't be good at everything IMO!). This takes the form of huffing and puffing, eye rolls, comments like 'you can't have really tried', generally being in a visibly wound-up mood directly due to my failure to complete said task.
(FYI - I always try my best. Tis one of my 'things'). Here's where it gets difficult - he doesn't shove me, call me names, tell me to fuck off, and it's difficult to explain how subtle this is, but he conveys a general air of being dismissive, disappointed in me, and angry that I haven't done what was asked.

Example 2! Heating is fooked. Apparently I woke DP up in bed last night by 'forcibly lying next to him' (verbatim!). He was annoyed enough to tell me this morning. I suggested that I could use a sleeping bag until the heating is fixed, as I was completely unaware I was doing this and must have been cold and cuddling up to him instinctively (surely anyone else would thing this was sweet?!). DP then had a MASSIVE go because I failed to 'apologise for the pain and suffering I caused him'.

Yes, 'Pain and Suffering'.

When we talk about these things I'm told that it's normal for him to feel frustrated with me. I agree completely but have suggested that being frustrated does not justify unkindness or rudeness, we should still show each other care and respect; DP disagreed and basically told me that if he is frustrated by me, the fact that I am the cause makes it automatically reasonable and expected that he should get angry AT me.

Remember, he has never called me an awful name, hit me, told me to fuck off, so as far as I know he is being completely unreasonalbe and I'm being over sensitive? I know everyone gets angry at everyone sometimes but I just think there's no real need to make someone else feel small just because they pissed you off, if they didn't mean to do it.

Once I asked him if he's aware of the impact his bad moods and associated taking out on me has on my happiness, my confidence? He countered this by citing the impact my depression has had on him. So I can't get very far in a discussion to resolve these things as we ALWAYS end up discussing something I've done wrong which is just as bad/worse!

If you've stuck with me this far, thankyou. Please help. I can't go on like this.

I agree with Attila (as usual!) that your DP is emotionally abusive...

I see that he has never called me an awful name, hit me, told me to fuck off but I have to tell you as someone who has been there, it is a sliding scale and it is likely to get worse the longer you put up with it.

All abused women, myself included, utter the line "he wasn't like that in the beginning" and this is why - it starts with mild disappointment, then outright not valuing you or your contribution, then belittling, then blaming and deflecting any fault there might be back to you and then soon afterwards the insults start... "You are hopeless / can't do anything right / can't do a simple thing by yourself..." The name calling is soon behind and the rest...

You are not being oversensitive. You need to think very carefully about what you want out of a relationship in the future and whether this man can give it to you.

I agree with the others in everything except your example number 2. I do not do snuggling up when sleeping, neither DH or I can sleep like that.

If I'd disturbed my DH's sleep (or visa versa) then we'd be upset that we'd disturned the other enough for them to feel the need to mention it and would acknowledge and apologise. I can't understand why you wouldn't do that?

Having said that, DH and I are reasonable and respect each other's strengths and weaknesses and specialise in our general roles accordingly.

Yours sounds like an arse. Have you called him on it? Asked him how he'd feel if you put down his efforts to insert something you're good at here as you'd never want to make him feel bad for things he's not able to do to your standards.

He doesn't sound like a nice man. I don't think you're being touchy at all.

Joysmum - he said she had caused "pain and distress" by bodily moving near him- a bit over the top?! No apology needed i would have thought. Sounds like he wants her in a perpetual state of apology.

Pain and suffering over someone lying close to you in bed? Can you see how ridiculous this is when it's written down? If you'd laughed and told him to get over himself, you'd have been blunt but not too far off the mark.

You can't be the only person in his life who doesn't always do things exactly the way he wants them. This must happen at work etc. Do you think he huffs and puffs at those people, or tells them they've caused him 'pain and suffering' by misreading a document or putting their coffee cup down too loudly or whatever? I would bet not. This is just for you, to keep you in your place and feeling guilty

I would tell him that since you cause him pain over small things, you're clearly just not suited and you should end things. Watch him backtrack then. He likes it like this, you see.

Oh that's surely exaggerated - "pain and suffering" caused by you snuggling up because you're cold in the night. Just wondering whether your family would dote on him if they heard his tone and saw the look on his face when he came out with that. Always in the doghouse is a crappy place to be.

He really does sound like a right pompous arse op. Very unkind and unpleasant. For what it's worth, my dh would jump at any opportunities to whop out his toolbox and assemble stuff, or use his considerable strength to shift furniture and his IT skills to rescue the laptop when I spill gin on it
Next time he moans at you, just tell him you'll have to 'get a man in'. And bake said man a squishy chocolate cake.
This is not me being against the feminist cause btw - is just that I'm five foot nothing and dh is big and strong. Plus he's the one in possession of the precious tool box and he just enjoys doing that kind of stuff.

Please don't let him twist the truth anymore by making you think somehow you are to blame and that you have a problem that needs fixing.

For example, if he can't sleep properly due to the 'pain and suffering' then he can sleep in the spare room, no? It's his problem, not yours.

And I agree, how do you know it even happened?

Do you huff, eye roll or get frustrated when he fails to produce a squidgy chocolate cake?

Thought not......

I know my OH is shite at flatpack furniture and reading maps, so I do that and he makes the drinks whilst I get on with it. He has other talents and I let him do those instead. I wouldn't dream of showing displeasure at him not doing the things right - I might rib him a little and tell him to put the kettle on whilst I get on with the job in hand but that's part of being in a partnership.

He sounds like a right wanker to be honest.

Where's his kindness?

You know in your gut it's unacceptable which is why you posted. Will he change? Seems not. You say you're all alone - are you sure you've no friends to confide in? May I ask if you used to but he pushed them away? You say DP not DH - how entangled are your lives, can you move out? Sending hugs op.

Flat pack furniture - if there was a way to 'cock up' flat pack furniture, my DH would find it! We had many a laugh about this - before correcting the mistakes and sorting it out together. We ended up looking at the flat-pack box, rolling eyes and laughing before we even started! The instructions would say 'this will take about 1 hour to assemble'. We ordered a take-away and got a bottle of wine out because it would take us 4 hours!

Feeling the cold - my highly pressurised job meant that I often got into bed at 3am. DH had been in bed from 11pm. I would try to undress quietly and get into bed without disturbing him. I was/am always cold. He would rouse a little and say, "It's okay, put your feet on me." If I didn't stop shivvering quickly, he would turn and wrap me in his whole body so I could get warm and sleep.

map-reading - my DH couldn't read a map for love nor money! He was an old-time copper and he knew every street, back alley and fast exit route from walking a beat, then cruising in a police car. He could only give directions via pubs and police stations! His mind worked so differently to mine. I was navigator/map-reader and he was driver for our long journeys off his 'patch'.

We played to our strengths - which is what I see you are suggesting in your OP. Yes, I could drive the sewing machine - he was better at driving the lawn-mower. I could bake and decorate - he was better at cooking exotic main meals.

This is not a stealth boast - I lost DH in 2001. Just an affirmation that your values and understanding about loving relationships is absolutely spot-on!

As for the comment about 'pain and suffering' .... hmmmm....is he a grown up adult or a teenager?

Ooops - xpost with AlternativeTentacles

I must type faster!

never called me an awful name, hit me, told me to fuck off

That has to be the lowest set of standards for a life partner possible.

What is a normal, proportionate response to another person when they are not as good as you at something?

I would say to him, if she's that bad mate and she makes you that angry frustrated with how she cannot do a simple task. What the hell is in it for you? Why don't you LTB you must be a saint to put up with all this that she does.

But, actually his head fuckery is draining and designed to trip you up at every stage. He sets you up to fail lovely tell him to go fuck himself.

I'd like to meet this man and talk about some "pain and suffering"

Do you need this overbearing self-entitled twat father figure in your life?

Think how much nicer it would be to share your deliciously squidgey choccy cakes with a man who happily shifts heavy furniture, reads maps, and puts together flat packs as you busy yourself at the sewing machine, while both of you look forward to cuddling up together every night?

It's time to get out from under, honey. If you carry on like this you'll become a shadow of what you were meant to be.

If you keep asking someone to do something that you know they are not good at, and get upset when they're still not good at it, you are the one being unreasonable.

How often do flat pack furniture, moving heavy furniture, and reading maps come up for you, anyway? I can't see the first two coming up very often unless you work in a furniture warehouse or something, or insist on moving the furniture around or getting new furniture all the time. If he's the one who wants the furniture rearranged, he should be moving it. As for map reading, why not use a satnav like everybody else does? Google Maps makes an app for smart phones. That one sounds as silly as complaining that you aren't very good at sewing your own clothes.

Agreeing with the other posters. He is treating you like a nuisance-child.

kind of ironic considering the extreme immaturity of claiming pain and suffering from contact in bed and taking zero responsibility for managing his emotions when he is frustrated by normal life things.

Agree with Vivacia. You've set the bar very low for behaviour you think is acceptable.

Your partner is aggressive, controlling, dismissive, doesn't care about you, and doesn't even see you as a separate person from him (Hence his bafflement that you don't demonstrate the same aptitude for flatpack).But he can turn on the charm for outsiders - so much so, that your family 'adore' him.

This is not a best friend OP. This is not someone you are getting on well with. This is a garden variety emotional abuser. His behaviour will escalate when the going gets tough.

Message poster AnyFucker Thu 14-May-15 17:53:50
I'd like to meet this man and talk about some "pain and suffering"

Brilliant!

OP can I say that from what you have described, he sounds like a sanctimonious arsehole! I want to say just tell him to f**k off, but if that's not what you're ready for then, at least pull him up on all the things that you are good at and treat him with the same 'contempt' that he serves you with!

Life really is too short for this, and you have given 8 years of your life to a man that has no true integrity or kindness in his bones, let alone in his mind! ( feeling so angry for you

sorry just wanted to pop in and say I appreciate your messages so so much, I don't have time to reply properly as I'm at work but I will do as soon as I can.

Sadwidow28 I wanted to thank you particularly for your lovely words about your relationship and I feel very honoured that you'd share your beautiful memories with me.

If you're seriously claiming that someone snuggling up to you in bed caused you pain and suffering, you're being an immature drama llama.

Do you have children?

If you don't, imagine how it would feel to see him meet their best efforts, their affection, their normal behaviour with this attitude and words. It would hurt you deeply, I know it would. Because it's not right