"DP's attitude to our life is making my own life miserable" --- what happens when I tell him I am unhappy

[whatsyourtune]

I posted the thread 'DP's attitude to our life is making my own life miserable' - but I don't know how to link it.

The responses I received were SO, SO, SO helpful, and made me look at the relationship in a different way - I am more open to the idea that this isn't my fault.

I just wanted to give an example of what happens when I get angry/upset at DP's treatment towards me. I am still concerned that perhaps I cause the problems in some way, and this is because of DP's reaction - he gives the impression I have caused the problem. Here's my example...

Yesterday:
DP neglected to tell me something that I had to 'draw' out of him. I knew he wasn't being completely honest, so I had 'dig' a bit, and he eventually said that actually he wasn't able to do X, despite us having discussed the need for X to be done by Y date (can't be more specific here, sorry). What is important here is that the issue was something hugely important to me and to us as a couple, as due to logistics and my work and his work, we really needed something to be sorted by a particular date. Him getting this thing done was vital to getting this thing sorted overall, and removing a lot of stress for us.

When he eventually told me the truth, I was angry, and said "how many times have we talked about you just being honest? If something changes, then let me know, it's much worse for you to do this and it breaks my trust in you. I don't want to spend my days trying to dissect what you mean all the time before I get the truth from you. We also need to find another way round this issue now, and it would have been far better for you to have told me asap. I still don't understand how his can be sorted now or what we are going to do about it?"

DP's response: "I'm sorry. It can be sorted. Stop shouting. I thought it was best, I'm sorry, I made a poor judgement. There's nothing I can do about it now. I really love you and I'm sorry. We will sort this."

Me: Im really upset at this stage - "this happened last week, and the week before, I can't cope with this, I hate you for doing this I can't do this all the time, I fucking hate how you do this. How will it be sorted? You've not come up with anything and I don't even understand the reasons why there is now a problem. You just keep saying it will be sorted."

DP:"Oh fuck this I can't be arsed..."

ME: I hang up the phone.

I then text him and tell him I am in tears at my desk at work and I am so upset he has let me down. I tell him that I don't understand fully why there is now a problem and it's not clear to me what he wants to do to sort it out.

He texts back: I am sorry I reacted like that and shouted. It's not good enough I know. It will all be ok. [referring to the thing I am now quite concerned about sorting out as he has said he can no longer sort x as described above].

I text back: How can you say it will be ok? Why haven't you called to clarify this with me and explain? It's not ok and you saying it's ok is just belittling my feelings."

No response for the next 4 hours. He eventually calls me around 8pm. We talk, he apologises, says how he treated me 'wasn't good.' I explain that first him lying to me until I get things out of him isn't ok, then it's not ok to tell me to fuck off when I'm upset, and then it's not ok to not speak to me for the next 4 hours when he knows I am confused and upset.
His response:

• agrees...says he is sorry
• explains he didn't have time to talk as he had to go to the bank
• says he thought it was best not to call me as he didn't want an argument
• says he thought it was best to cool off for a few hours
• I comes up with something he CAN do to make the situation easier...he agrees that is a good idea.

So, he says he will put into action the thing that will actually help us...I then go off the phone and have a shower, and he says he will call me before bed after he has done said thing (this way essentially making a payment to confirm something that would significantly help logistically for us - ie assisting with the original thing he had let me down on).

I wait for the call back. I eventually call him. No answer. I hear nothing because he has fallen asleep and he didn't do said thing in the conversation because h fell asleep, so it wasn't his fault...he didn't mean to etc etc etc.

This morning I feel so exhausted - had little sleep and feel so drained and confused and as if I never know where I stand. I feel so unloved. I just want to be happy with him and it's like everything is a huge problem for him to just deal with things in a more normal way. It's like getting blood out of a stone

He sounds like a child. No idea of practicalities, organisation and sorting problems out. Since you are not married, don't live with him, don't have kids with him etc I would be thinking about ending it.

Note to self: refresh page before posting. I've missed about a page of great advice and posts from the OP

Even better than what? Seriously sub-par?

Well that's not raising the bar very high, is it.

Glad to see your last post recognises you need to work on your own self worth. That has to be your focus now. Move on and don't give him headspace.
Good Luck!

Oh he can be EVEN BETTER can he? Even better than totally shit? Lucky you!

How are you feeling? Are you wavering? Be honest.

Well quite.

But he's not going to have a complete personality transplant so it's not even true.

He might buy more flowers for a time, while fucking up the OP's plans again...

Yes, I'm wavering. We had some happy times. He;s just got worse as time has gone on. I just want to be happy and I'm 100% not feeling happy when I have to deal with his shit.

You are not THE problem. You thinking you are the problem is your real problem.

You arent married, or even living togetherm it is time to break up. He wont get better until he both wants to and has to. That won't happen if, in the end, you keep finding solutions, or giving up on things he makes impossible.

Go on your way. Leave him to his mother.

Of course he was going to say the bare minimum in order to maintain the status quo.

Is the bare minimum really enough to keep you where he wants you?

whats - being even better than pretty shit is still going to be pretty shit.
He cares about you? What???
No. You don't "care about" someone who is meant to be your life partner, you love them. LOVE them. You care deeply about what will make them happy.

STOP wavering because it ain't going to improve, it's only going to get worse. A few happy times do not make up for what you're experiencing now. I'm tempted to suggest you do a "mood chart" to see how much of the week you feel happy and how much you feel sad/frustrated/angry because of him - betcha the second section would be a bigger percentage than the first!

It doesn't matter what he says now, he's shown you exactly who he is, and how he's likely to be for the rest of his life. Soooo - decide if it's worth the few crumbs of happiness to put up with the rest of it - and when you've decided it really isn't, then dump him properly.

He considers himself to be innocent, he is "good," without evil intentions/actions in any way: he is always doing the very best that he can.

It can be very cathartic, when he tries to use 'doing my best' as an excuse, to inform him that his best is, frankly, crap.

Wont change a thing, but it will feel great to say it.

The only thing that you can change is your continued participation in his pretense of having a life. And it is a pretense. He floats along, seemming to be and do the things an adult ought to be doing, but in reality, he isnt. You are doing all the work. You always will be. He will occaissionally manage to provide something kind or useful, in a minor way, the sort of thing anyone could do, not just a partner. eventually you will notice that had you not had supplies/groceries/cash he wouldnt have managed the gift or action, and you seem to be cleaning up the mess he made in doing so.

he loves me, he can be EVEN BETTER than before, and that he cares about me
His response is called lip service.
He will talk a beautiful symphony of what he thinks you want to hear (or what script has worked on you before). Words are easy and words don't take long. No, he is not sincere.
You should know the drill by now.

A turd rolled in glitter in still a turd.

There are worse things than being alone, whatsyourtune. Sacrificing your mental health just to be in a relationship is a wrong, bad, unhealthy choice that will have long term consequences (taking years from which to recover).
Don't be desperate. Value yourself more.

google passive agressive personality disorders. His behaviour is very controlling and while you are left dangling and upset he is in complete control and avoiding actually doing anything.

He says the right the things but does nothing leaving it all up to you, it doesn't get any better if anything in your attempts to solve the problem you end up deeper and deeper in the quagmire of his games

He doesn't love you enough to sort out simple things or tell you the truth about something

The real question why are you so hell bent on taking responsibility for him and putting up with this crap

I've told him I want to end it. His response is that he loves me, he can be EVEN BETTER than before and that he cares about me.

So a continued respect for your position, then .

"I want to end it."
"OVERRULLED!"

Awwww OP don't worry this whole mindfuckery will end!
It was predictable he was going to try and tell you sweet words to keep you around and play with you until HE decides he is done.

Don't forget you came on here because you're unhappy.
Don't forget how you described to us that he doesn't take the way you feel into consideration and that makes you miserable

Remember how happy you used to be before and how you said you need to make sure nobody must ever get the chance of making you feel this way.

The last step is always the hardest which is why so many of us back down at the mast minute but eventually there are 2 most common case scenarios:
1- You end up finding the strength to end things and leave
2-You stay and you pay the price for it (severe depression/suicide...)

Don't let him get inside your head again. Get him out of there for good.
Thinking of you xxx

He doesn't even accept that he's been treating you badly so how is he going to improve things?

It's over, block his number and sort yourself out.

Hope you're staying strong, OP. Even if not, you have come a long way in the past few days and that can not be undone.

Just wanted to say: try to give up on the hope of him "getting it". He won't, and he won't respect your right to end it, either (as you've already seen!).