"DP's attitude to our life is making my own life miserable" --- what happens when I tell him I am unhappy

[whatsyourtune]

I posted the thread 'DP's attitude to our life is making my own life miserable' - but I don't know how to link it.

The responses I received were SO, SO, SO helpful, and made me look at the relationship in a different way - I am more open to the idea that this isn't my fault.

I just wanted to give an example of what happens when I get angry/upset at DP's treatment towards me. I am still concerned that perhaps I cause the problems in some way, and this is because of DP's reaction - he gives the impression I have caused the problem. Here's my example...

Yesterday:
DP neglected to tell me something that I had to 'draw' out of him. I knew he wasn't being completely honest, so I had 'dig' a bit, and he eventually said that actually he wasn't able to do X, despite us having discussed the need for X to be done by Y date (can't be more specific here, sorry). What is important here is that the issue was something hugely important to me and to us as a couple, as due to logistics and my work and his work, we really needed something to be sorted by a particular date. Him getting this thing done was vital to getting this thing sorted overall, and removing a lot of stress for us.

When he eventually told me the truth, I was angry, and said "how many times have we talked about you just being honest? If something changes, then let me know, it's much worse for you to do this and it breaks my trust in you. I don't want to spend my days trying to dissect what you mean all the time before I get the truth from you. We also need to find another way round this issue now, and it would have been far better for you to have told me asap. I still don't understand how his can be sorted now or what we are going to do about it?"

DP's response: "I'm sorry. It can be sorted. Stop shouting. I thought it was best, I'm sorry, I made a poor judgement. There's nothing I can do about it now. I really love you and I'm sorry. We will sort this."

Me: Im really upset at this stage - "this happened last week, and the week before, I can't cope with this, I hate you for doing this I can't do this all the time, I fucking hate how you do this. How will it be sorted? You've not come up with anything and I don't even understand the reasons why there is now a problem. You just keep saying it will be sorted."

DP:"Oh fuck this I can't be arsed..."

ME: I hang up the phone.

I then text him and tell him I am in tears at my desk at work and I am so upset he has let me down. I tell him that I don't understand fully why there is now a problem and it's not clear to me what he wants to do to sort it out.

He texts back: I am sorry I reacted like that and shouted. It's not good enough I know. It will all be ok. [referring to the thing I am now quite concerned about sorting out as he has said he can no longer sort x as described above].

I text back: How can you say it will be ok? Why haven't you called to clarify this with me and explain? It's not ok and you saying it's ok is just belittling my feelings."

No response for the next 4 hours. He eventually calls me around 8pm. We talk, he apologises, says how he treated me 'wasn't good.' I explain that first him lying to me until I get things out of him isn't ok, then it's not ok to tell me to fuck off when I'm upset, and then it's not ok to not speak to me for the next 4 hours when he knows I am confused and upset.
His response:

• agrees...says he is sorry
• explains he didn't have time to talk as he had to go to the bank
• says he thought it was best not to call me as he didn't want an argument
• says he thought it was best to cool off for a few hours
• I comes up with something he CAN do to make the situation easier...he agrees that is a good idea.

So, he says he will put into action the thing that will actually help us...I then go off the phone and have a shower, and he says he will call me before bed after he has done said thing (this way essentially making a payment to confirm something that would significantly help logistically for us - ie assisting with the original thing he had let me down on).

I wait for the call back. I eventually call him. No answer. I hear nothing because he has fallen asleep and he didn't do said thing in the conversation because h fell asleep, so it wasn't his fault...he didn't mean to etc etc etc.

This morning I feel so exhausted - had little sleep and feel so drained and confused and as if I never know where I stand. I feel so unloved. I just want to be happy with him and it's like everything is a huge problem for him to just deal with things in a more normal way. It's like getting blood out of a stone

Here is your last thread OP

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2377260-DPs-attitude-to-our-life-is-making-my-own-life-miserable-but-is-this-my-fault?msgid=54342609#54342609

Everyone is saying the same things they are here

Why do you keep starting different threads ? Are hoping that eventually someone will come along and tell you that he's a great guy And he can't help it . That he has a disability or memory problem that only relates to you - it doesn't affect his work, his friends and the rest of his life

That he will make a great husband and father

Or do you want someone to tell you that you can change him if you just love him more ?

Baffled bemusement and astonishment that you go from 0 - 90 with frustration and rage.

If he can't see how he winds you up by now, I doubt he will later. Deliberate or not he is not moved by your distress either. You aren't a good match for each other.

whatsyourtune I know how low and neglected you feel. But well done for starting to admit that however much you wanted/needed this to work it is not doing you any good to stay with him.

Look it doesn't matter how many threads you start on how many forums, so long as in the end we get to help you out. That's why you came on here in the first place.

Totally toally normal to be in dznial for a while about how DP must not see how he crushes your heart because really who does that? Sadly you've now found out that some people do. He has his own issues and I know you care about him but you also need to remeber that you need to care about you. Especially if you're current DP does not make you feel that he genuinely cares.

It's a difficult thing to do. But i must stress that some posters have made the point of you not being married and having children together being a plus...it is! I should have left nearly a decade ago but I let him get away with the abuse. Soletimes it takes a while to realise there is abuse.
If you are slowly beginning to see it then slowly begin to accept in your mind first that you deserve caring and happiness and that you need to get onto the next oage of your life in order to achieve happiness.

You deserve it and it does not mean you will stop caring about him (you seem worried about that a lot). It just means you recognise you need to start caring about you

Do keep posting if you need a little pick me up Xx

Ok - let's suppose you two stay together. And have kids. One day you need him to pick the kids up from school because you have an important hospital appointment.

Do you trust him to be there at 10 past 3?

Or are you concerned that you will wake up from surgery to 27 missed calls from the school?

OP - If he frustrates you now through his behaviour, imagine putting up with when you have small children. He might manage to remember pick ups - because he might care enough about his children to factor that in - but he might not manage to get home in time for them, so he'll be calling you to let you know he's going to be late and can you do it instead. Or one of your friends. Or your mother. Or basically anyone else.

If you think he winds you up now, I can 100% guarantee that it will only get worse, the more you're tied to him. My DH isn't like yours in many respects, but he does have a few annoying traits, that, despite him knowing how much they wind me up, he has zero intention of reining them in. Daily begging for him to stop winding me up has no effect. Net result, several years down the line, it's been like a war of attrition and it's diminishing any love and respect I have for him, because I'm irritated to fuck all the time. I should probably get out too but I don't because he has many more redeeming features than irritating ones - but it's like sanding the same spot on my skin every sodding day, and every day he does it.

Don't waste your time. Go and find someone else who does care if he upsets you. Who has normal responses to your feelings and who genuinely apologises if he fucks you over. You say you still care about him now - after a few more years of this shit, you won't. Save yourselves both the time and wasted life and let him go.

Agreed with Thumb save yourself years n years of feeling this way. Don't underestimate the amount of damage this will have caused you mentally yrs from now. It's already started and it won't stop until put an end to it by walking away FOR YOUR OWN GOOD
Xxx

Look, no matter how many threads you start, this guy is just not into you, nor is he in any way worried about your needs, let alone wanting to start meeting them. He keeps you dangling just enough to keep you in the relationship.

Whilst you are spending your time trying to change him (like that will ever happen) you are taking yourself away from finding someone who is compatible and a future partner.

And you are so worried about looking cruel, you cant even end it because of what he might think. He doesnt seem to give a shit about what you think though, does he?

He will break you. He has cracked you already.

Don't bother having a dramatic break up where you say everything that's on your mind in the desperate hope he will come to his senses and beg your forgiveness.

Cut contact quietly and instantly. By the time he notices and realises you are serious, you will already have begun healing.

Grumple has a point about to go about it. It might bethelosteffective way. Ithink you know if you try to sit downwith him he might try to "win you back" only because he thinks he's entitledto doing what he does n nobody should get rid of him.
It's a good thing you don't live together. You can cut contact you can.

Tentacles your post is patronising. She hasn't askedfof ppl to sit herfown n givd her lecture she has asked for help...

I meant it might be the most effective way *

Thanks for the replies.

I started a second thread as the first one was really helpful in looking at my DP's treatment towards me in a different way ie not blaming myself constantly. I wanted some support in how to deal with his reaction when I try to tell him that he is hurting me.

I'm not in denial so much as I was just seeking some more support. I am taking the comments on board and really appreciate how much my mindset has shifted from thinking this is all my fault, to realising that he actually makes a choice to treat me like this and disregard my feelings.

Thank you.

" I wanted some support in how to deal with his reaction when I try to tell him that he is hurting me. "

I think most posters understand that you want to stay with him . You want us to tell you how to feel better when the man you love tells you he doesn't give a flying fuck about your feelings and your life .

Posters HAVE told you how to deal with it . They have told you that you have two options

1. Stay with him and accept it will get worse

1. Leave now and find somoene who treats you with love and respect

Many posters have shared quite movingly about what it's like to have kids with a man like this . I'm sorry you haven't found these posts helpful, because I think people have given a lot of themselves and their time to help you .

But you are asking the impossible " please tell me how to change my boy friend to be the way I want him " .

Isn't it quite arrogant to look at someone and say "I see how you are but I'm going to make you different and then you'll be the person for me"? You know how your partner is. He has shown you over and over and over that he will not take your feelings into account. That is how he conducts relationships. Why should he change that because you want him to? He sees nothing at all wrong with what he does. He thinks he's fine. So you standing there demanding change is just going to annoy him. You're wasting your time.

That's not what I am asking. I was talking something through about how my DP treats me, because my head is a mess. I'm not interested in trying to change him, I just needed to work out if I was doing something wrong in the relationship.

Yes you are doing something wrong, you are expecting your partner to be a different person to the one that he actually is.

You've already told him multiple times that he's hurting you, what's the point of going over it again? What do you think will be different about his reaction to how it's been in the past?

No, I don't think it will be different. I know if I stay with him, he won't change, and it's not me who has caused the problems. Aside from letting him behave this way.

The best thing you can do is:
a) get out of this relationship
then b) get some counselling or go on the Freedom program or something to sort your head out.

I doubt you can sort your head out while you are in the relationship because he is messing with your head (and whether or not that is deliberate is irrelevant).

So what you really need to ask support for now OP, is how to end it without getting caught up in his manipulations.

Yes, though I think if I ended it, he probably wouldn't be too bothered. I need to sort my self-esteem out after this to ensure I never allow anyone to make me feel this crap ever again.

I appreciate the replies.

Really sorry you're in this place whats, it's awful I know. But this overall is a good development in your life. You've seen this guy for what he is before you get too entangled with him and you recognise that there are things that need to be sorted out in your own head before you can embark on another relationship. You are giving yourself every chance to lead a happy life as a single person or to find someone who genuinely loves you and will be a good partner to you.

Do you think you are going to end the relationship?

It's a shit realisation, OP, and a tough one to integrate when you've been feeling responsible for another person's behaviour and trying to blame yourself for so long.

You'll be ok. Letting go, and walking away, is hard but ultimately very liberating.

I think you may be surprised OP, if you end it, he may well, despite treating you appalling, try to hang on to you with more manipulations and promises to change. Which he won't, and you'll waste another year of your fertility...

You know him really well. You know what his reaction will be when you tell him how you feel.

What do you think? Get angry? Tell you to fuck off? Hang up and give you the silent treatment? All three?

It's not you. He's done a good job of making you think it is, though. Eroding your self esteem with a drip-drip of toxic behaviour

There's some good information on MIND about self esteem. Healthy self-esteem is very important in dealing with people like him. Think of improving it as strengthening your twat-buffer!

We'll be here too

I've told him I want to end it. His response is that he loves me, he can be EVEN BETTER than before and that he cares about me.

You lot are good at pre-tempting this!