"DP's attitude to our life is making my own life miserable" --- what happens when I tell him I am unhappy

[whatsyourtune]

I posted the thread 'DP's attitude to our life is making my own life miserable' - but I don't know how to link it.

The responses I received were SO, SO, SO helpful, and made me look at the relationship in a different way - I am more open to the idea that this isn't my fault.

I just wanted to give an example of what happens when I get angry/upset at DP's treatment towards me. I am still concerned that perhaps I cause the problems in some way, and this is because of DP's reaction - he gives the impression I have caused the problem. Here's my example...

Yesterday:
DP neglected to tell me something that I had to 'draw' out of him. I knew he wasn't being completely honest, so I had 'dig' a bit, and he eventually said that actually he wasn't able to do X, despite us having discussed the need for X to be done by Y date (can't be more specific here, sorry). What is important here is that the issue was something hugely important to me and to us as a couple, as due to logistics and my work and his work, we really needed something to be sorted by a particular date. Him getting this thing done was vital to getting this thing sorted overall, and removing a lot of stress for us.

When he eventually told me the truth, I was angry, and said "how many times have we talked about you just being honest? If something changes, then let me know, it's much worse for you to do this and it breaks my trust in you. I don't want to spend my days trying to dissect what you mean all the time before I get the truth from you. We also need to find another way round this issue now, and it would have been far better for you to have told me asap. I still don't understand how his can be sorted now or what we are going to do about it?"

DP's response: "I'm sorry. It can be sorted. Stop shouting. I thought it was best, I'm sorry, I made a poor judgement. There's nothing I can do about it now. I really love you and I'm sorry. We will sort this."

Me: Im really upset at this stage - "this happened last week, and the week before, I can't cope with this, I hate you for doing this I can't do this all the time, I fucking hate how you do this. How will it be sorted? You've not come up with anything and I don't even understand the reasons why there is now a problem. You just keep saying it will be sorted."

DP:"Oh fuck this I can't be arsed..."

ME: I hang up the phone.

I then text him and tell him I am in tears at my desk at work and I am so upset he has let me down. I tell him that I don't understand fully why there is now a problem and it's not clear to me what he wants to do to sort it out.

He texts back: I am sorry I reacted like that and shouted. It's not good enough I know. It will all be ok. [referring to the thing I am now quite concerned about sorting out as he has said he can no longer sort x as described above].

I text back: How can you say it will be ok? Why haven't you called to clarify this with me and explain? It's not ok and you saying it's ok is just belittling my feelings."

No response for the next 4 hours. He eventually calls me around 8pm. We talk, he apologises, says how he treated me 'wasn't good.' I explain that first him lying to me until I get things out of him isn't ok, then it's not ok to tell me to fuck off when I'm upset, and then it's not ok to not speak to me for the next 4 hours when he knows I am confused and upset.
His response:

• agrees...says he is sorry
• explains he didn't have time to talk as he had to go to the bank
• says he thought it was best not to call me as he didn't want an argument
• says he thought it was best to cool off for a few hours
• I comes up with something he CAN do to make the situation easier...he agrees that is a good idea.

So, he says he will put into action the thing that will actually help us...I then go off the phone and have a shower, and he says he will call me before bed after he has done said thing (this way essentially making a payment to confirm something that would significantly help logistically for us - ie assisting with the original thing he had let me down on).

I wait for the call back. I eventually call him. No answer. I hear nothing because he has fallen asleep and he didn't do said thing in the conversation because h fell asleep, so it wasn't his fault...he didn't mean to etc etc etc.

This morning I feel so exhausted - had little sleep and feel so drained and confused and as if I never know where I stand. I feel so unloved. I just want to be happy with him and it's like everything is a huge problem for him to just deal with things in a more normal way. It's like getting blood out of a stone

I reckon if you dumped him, you would feel much happier in a very short space of time.

I recognize a lot of what you write in myself when I was younger. I felt I had to keep on trying and could never give up. One of the most important lessons I have learnt is to when to call it a day.

It's time to give this one up, OP. He is not the guy for you.

Honestly?
I'm living with someone whose behaviour (albeit different that your 'D'P) has also been associated with being abusive.

I know that he is NOT abusive. It's an issue linked with some SN. He is trying his best but still doesn't comprehend or can't do some things that are just assumed for most couples.

So I do get the 'But he isn't doing it on purpose' feeling.

However, you have to realise that you will NOT get any support from him, that you will have to live your life as if you were single and unable to share some responsibilities. If you are happy to live your life like this and accept that you will never have the 'perfect' couple life you were hoping for/expecting, then go ahead.
You can find solutions on your side (Basically doing it all yourself and never relying on him), accept that some things will not happen (eg whatever you wanted to see happening to help you as a couple).
And then you will still have a relationship wo being too angry.

But before going that way, ask yourself.
Are you REALLY happy to live like this?

Just seeing your last post.

Serioulsy, you are saying yourself that he is not meeting your need for TRUST. And hasn't done so repeadetly.

And you want to build a relationship with him??? How in earth do you want to do? Wo trust in a relationship, there is nothing.

Imagine what this would be like if you shared a home or even had children?

He wouldnt step up at that point. Yes, you might have nice furniture if he had felt like splashing the cash one day. Sometimes your children might have new shoes.

But day in, day out? Never being sure if he had done the things he said he would. Never knowing if he would be there for hospital appointments. Whether he would even turn up for the birth.

Imagine having to explain to a small child that though daddy said he would be there for bedtime/bathtime/birthday, something had come up so he wont be there. Having to say this time and again.

That is what your life would be like. It is turning you inside out. What would it do to a child?

I literally cannot get through to him that he breaks us, almost daily, with the way he treats me. He just honestly does not see it.

If he doesn't hear you, he doesn't hear you.
If he doesn't see it, he doesn't see it.

Let it go. You've had ample proof now that this isn't working. How much more do you need?

There is nothing wrong with the way you are presenting the issues to him, OP. He doesn't want to know.

You're dealing with the very entrenched, ingrained, and possibly almost unconscious behavior of a personality disorder. (Just posted similarly on another thread.) He receives some sort of satisfaction/enjoyment from avoiding the demands that others try to place on him, unless of course they coincide with HIS specific goals and desires. Passive-aggressive or covert-aggressive behavior is difficult to understand to a rational person. But he's playing a game where he maintains control and stays as the focus and center of the action by doing nothing (usually regarding someone else's or supposedly shared plans), often at the most upsetting of times, and then can claim innocence. Pretending to be "doing the best he can," while making everything so convoluted and complicated and dependent upon him, and then avoiding blame. He loves for others to have to WAIT for him, and underneath, I think, he's (all these "he's" referring to the personality type in general, of course) really quite insulted that another person would presume upon his life and his precious time. Almost anything can end up being a battle for control, but you'll never know when's going to happen until after he's "won." RUN!!!

should read "never know when it's going to happen"
I forgot to mention that one tip-off of this disordered personality type (which may actually be edging upon demand avoidance as mentioned by another poster) is the way he'll often not seem seriously troubled in any real way during or after causing you terrible distress because of something HE has failed to do or follow through on. Untroubled as in falling asleep (I believe him there!) after failing to do a specific crucial thing for the second time, almost immediately after promising. He had escaped being forced to fulfill a task, so he was okay really with the way the day had turned out! Living like that is self-sabotaging and makes no sense, but his modus operandi is different from other people's.

"I would love more than anyting to actually enjoy a relationship again and feel happy, loved and secure"

Love your own self for a change OP. What you want will not be obtained with this man so stop trying to produce and or maintain something that is not there. You cannot magic up a new personality transplant within him; this is who he really is.

This man is a master of manipulation and unsurprisingly he has tied you up in knots. He is going to take an awful long time to recover from. I would start that recovery process now by telling him this is over.

laladeepsouth thanks for your post.

Honestly, the way you describe that is exactly what impact my DP's actions have on me.

The problem I have is that if he were to read what you said, he would 100% think it was utter shit, and say that he DOES care, he DOESN'T want control and that of course he doesn't INTENTIONALLY make things complicated. And I believe him that he he doesnt think he treats me this way - he really doesnt. He doesnt see it at all and would dismiss your post and play the 'rememebr all the nice things I do, easily fogotten arent they!" card.

Have you asked him to go to counselling and work on himself? If not you could insist on that. If he says no, he's a lost cause and not worth another iota of your time and emotional energy. Run and don't look back!
(FWIW I would find a grown man who is so wrapped around his mummy's finger a COMPLETE turn off)

Stop analysing and start dumping.

Why are you continuing to go over the rights and wrongs of this? Don't play endless ping-pong in your head - where is that going to get you? You know what you have to do. Stop making excuses for this man who is obviously is no good for you! It doesn't matter why he is being a git, he just is a git. You don't need him in your life.

Good luck.

It really doesn't matter what he would think of anyone's analysis. Or how many different ways his behaviour can be analysed.

What matters is that you are not happy in this relationship.

Op, you say your problem is that if he read lala's post he would think it was utter shit. No - that's not your problem, it's his problem. Your problem is that because you believe he's not doing it on purpose then it's really ok, and actually he will change if you can just make him see what's happening.

Why do you think so little of yourself, that you think it would be cruel not to hang around while he makes your life hell, on the off chance that you can change him ?

He'll do the same to the next girlfriend, it's who he is. Why he's like it ? Leave that to him, his mum and the therapy room.

I feel so lost and empty.

When I get upset it's like he is mocking me...yawning, doing other things, randomly in the middle of a conversation telling me he needs to cook some food, falling asleep.

I feel so broken and lost and humiliated. Then when he wants to, he will apologise and say he understands why I am upset.

My mind is such a mess and I constantly feel like im going to be sick :(

Can't you see that this is showing you this is a bad relationship?

You've been telling him you're unhappy repeatedly throughout the entire relationship, and it has never gone in and nothing has changed.

Even if you managed to confront him so that he listened, he would just deny it all anyway.

You don't need to tell him you're unhappy any more you just need to tell him it's over.

How long will you continue to flog this horse until you admit it's dead?

I don't know :(

I know I need to end it. I know that now. It just feels so sad.

I so wanted a future with him and I really, really did care about him. In a weird way, I feel sad that if it ended he would think I stopped caring. I havent stopped caring (though I admit I am at that point), but I have started to realise that this is bad for me.

I do also think that perhaps there are men out there who would be a little more...stable, in their approach to having a relationship. A little more conventiona and not such a mindfuck.

I am getting there, it's just so hard.

I read one of these aspirational quotes that turn up on facebook all the time and for once it really resonated with me. I think it might be relevant to you too, so I have gone to all the bother of finding it again...

" She realised she had devoted a whole book to someone who treated her like a footnote. So she put down the pen and stopped writing."

Think about it. You seem to be hugely invested in this man, his feelings, his personality, and he doesn't seem to be equally invested in you.

OP, I'm glad you got something out of my post I was a little worried that I had really overdone it but just felt so strongly I wanted to try to convey to you the process that I think is going on. The essential problem is that your partner of course will never see it, never admit to it, never feel that he has anything to "change" because that is the very essence of his disorder. He considers himself to be innocent, he is "good," without evil intentions/actions in any way: he is always doing the very best that he can. That you would try to inform him or enlighten him about himself would just be too, well, ridiculous! And of course he would think that these posts are crazy female ramblings and ravings; he's never going to internalize anything "critical" of his character.

I myself would really, really love to know if people with these types of disorders are calculating with intent or are somewhat unaware of their core motivation. But in any event they are slaves to this protective refusal to give in. That's why they can't compromise. That would be giving in. He'll agree in his mind the "agreement" was just words you said. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. He will decide what to do, not you. And so on and so on. Once you see it for yourself (I mean really SEE it), you can't see anything else. When you begin to see that blankly "innocent" expression that looks oddly detached, pleased with himself , and self-satisfied when you're melting down in frustration and disappointment or that flash of anger and contempt when he feels you've insulted his essence, his integrity, or something well, you'll see that the relationship is hopeless. If all of the posters on this thread are right, and I'm really sure we are -- all you can do is distance yourself mentally and stop expecting anything from him. I sincerely wish you the best!

You haven't stopped caring, you have decided to stop being treated like shit!

All your posts are about him - what he thinks, what he says, what he would say, what he would think etc etc etc.

Please OP, put yourself first. Decide how you feel. If you find that hard, think what you would say to a friend who had described their relationship to you the way you have written about it on here...and then dump him!

Is this the same guy that is moving away for work op? And not keeping his promises about moving in together?

What is hard for you to let go is the future in your head you had planned.

Love, it's never gonna be how you imagined. Ever. This guy has no respect for you.

When you pin so much on a fantasy its really hard to let go as you think its just around the corner. Well it's not. Otherwise you would have met it.

Don't waste any more years on this bloke. If you want a family and kids you need to let him and those dreams go and go find some one else that will treat you like a queen while your still young enough.

You need to think about YOU and not worry about some one who has let you down for years.

Come on - you know he is not going to change.

Tbh he is a twat - he gives you just enough attention to keep you in your place.

it really wouldn't surprise me if in a few months you are in here heart broken because he has met the love of his life and is moving in with her. If you mean that much to him you would have been swept of your feet and living happily together. But your not. Your still in thevdame situation as last year .

You don't need a big blow up to walk away.

Different day; same shite.

DTF.

He doesn't care about you, just move on and stop clinging on to him. It is doing your self-esteem no end of damage.